Aibu? Dm and ddad questioning my parenting long

[Esmeismyhero]

I have written a fair few threads about things that are going on at home. I have had a few days to think and I need some support, advice and anything you lovely mnetters can offer.

This post is outing but I'm past caring and I don't want to name change.

My dd is 3 yrs old 4 in March, she was born with the 7th cranial nerve missing (resulting in a paralysed face on the right side) now she's older other medical needs etc have become apparent.

Hyperacusis - we always knew she was sensitive to sounds but now she is able to vocalise what hurts, is uncomfortable etc. We have been referred to ENT to have tests and possible have a hearing aid that emits a low frequency so sounds are not painful.

Long sighted - her right eye has a larger perscription ion than her left but she needs glasses and the optician thinks she will always need glasses. No other eye problems apart from needing eye drops because she cannot close her right eye.

Recurrent infections - Utis mostly, she has had scans on her kidneys which appear normal but has microscopic blood in her urine constantly and has been hospitalised twice for iv antibiotics for uti alone. She is now under a renal specialist.

Sleep apnea - she would stop for up to 20 seconds, due to her paralysis but she had enlarged tonsils and adenoids, she had her tonsils and adenoids removed on Friday just gone (and the reason everything has blown up), she was hospital until yesterday because she suffered a bleed from the throat and had a post op infection which she was admitted for.

Behaviour issues - this is the link to my thread

Blood disorder - she has a condition where her blood clots too much so is monitored after operations and treatments but so far hasn't had to have blood thinners.

Hypermobility - again she has been referred to a specialist.

So in all dd has had problems since birth but I think we have all coped very well, dd was going to preschool but has not been in 2 weeks due to sickness (uti) and medical appointments plus an operation.

She has been referred to an education psychologist who will assess dd before she starts school in September to see if she needs additional help etc.

So dd had her adenoid/ tonsillectomy on Friday, she was released Friday night, Saturday morning she had quite a big bleed and was admitted again (apparently this can be common) she then started having rigors and fevers in the 40s so she was treated with antibiotics and released yesterday afternoon.

So Monday I came home from the hospital and dh stayed with dd for a few hours, I got my ds from school, tidied up a bit, got some more things for hospital and just had a break because I was exhausted.

My ddad had a day off work and didn't even ask about dd but proceeded to lay into me with the following points.

• dd shouldn't of had her tonsils out because she never had tonsillitis (obviously but it was for sleep apnea which my parents think doesn't exist and I'm just being over protective).

• the reason she got an infection after the operation is because I gave her a bottle of milk, plus she didn't need the operation anyway.

• I'm forever getting her tested and in his words "she's been stuck (I guess her means blood tests) cut (I guess again he means operations) and tested and she isn't having a childhood.

I'm taking away her childhood because she's always in hospital or being tested for something.

She's had two general anaesthetic Mris because they didn't know what was causing the palsy.

In ddad and dm words "there are children with spina bifida and worse conditions that dd and because she doesn't have anything life threatening" I should stop all treatments and let her be a kid. When she is older and has the ability to make decisions then she can be tested "poked and prodded".

I tried to explain to them that I know they are worried as am I but I cannot stop her having her glasses, hearing tests etc because she needs these things.

My ddad then said I was making everything seem bigger than it was (I faked her opticians exam and apparently just requested her tonsils removed and the Drs agreed) and so they will support me but they won't give me any sympathy.

My ddad said he was going to report me to social services for child abuse because "I won't leave her alone".

I did ask why they chose to do this when dd was in hospital and I've got enough guilt about dds medical conditions and apparently I was making it about me again.

I was so tired and tbh the thought of not getting my dd medical treatments she needs because my parents (who have given me enough problems, I've been through hell with them tbh) think I should let her be a kid is ridiculous.

Ddad said I didn't even let her play with dolls? I don't know what that was about but I think he was clutching at straws.

I went back to the hospital in tears (I didn't get a word in edge ways to try and make them see reason) dh is furious.

My dsis lives next door to me and our parents are round everyday, I'm not an argumentative person so I just stayed quiet, this morning they came through my back garden to access my sisters house.

I went round to say dd had been released and to say hi. Ddad walked off and didn't say a word, dm just said she knew she was released, then looked in my back door saw dd had just pants on then lectured me on why she wasn't dressed. The reason is because she is very itchy, hot and still having fevers. The house is warm and I'm not going to make her uncomfortable.

Dh wants to move, I want to scream. We're so stressed out and now I'm worrying about social services knocking on our door because of my parents.

I spoke to my health visitor and she said nothing would come of ss because I'm doing everything a responsible parent would.

I've made an appointment with our gp to discuss my parents concerns and she is going to kindly write a letter to ease their concerns, I don't know what else I can do. I just need to concentrate on dd getting better but now I hate myself for everything she is going through.

I have depression from when I was a teenager and suffered panic attacks etc and after my parents rant at me I had a panic attack which I haven't had in years. It was horrible.

What do I do? Aibu? I need someone to talk to.

Don't walk away from them.

Run.

Fucking leg it - they are toxic.

In my experience grandparents seem more likely to criticise and judge than support and praise your parenting skills, it is awful to deal with :( and you shouldn't have to. I would run for the hills and move away and then keep them at arms length or go NC. This is particularly terrible of them because you are clearly an amazing parent and should not have to doubt yourself and stress about ss on top of everything else, they should be supporting you not giving you more problems. Reassure yourself that ss would just speak to your GP and be told there are no problems and this is classic ridiculous grandparents. I don't understand it but older generations seem to just love bitching about the parenting skills of our generation (most recently I had a lot of stick for using socket covers as apparently it is completely impossible for a toddler to electrocute themselves by sticking their finger in a socket, I overheard them having a huge bitch fest about this and how over the top I am to use socket covers). You don't need to consider why they think what they think because your instincts are right with your child and doctors are in support of you - they are just intent on bitching about your parenting, I think whatever you did they would probably find fault unless you were to let them make all the parenting decisions. Sounds like they want control and are getting more and more lairy with you as it becomes clear you won't do what they want, control freaks seem to get increasingly aggressive the more they dont get what they want. Get on rightmove now :)

Don't pander to them op and find the 'off' switch. You cannot continue to absorb their interfering, toxic comments. Normal, caring parents would have found a way to support you and keep their I'll judged comments to themselves. Your father sounds like a bully. They might well be worried for their grandchild, but you are their child and what they are saying is eating away at your confidence as a mother. You sound like a wonderful, caring mum who is doing your utmost for your dd in very difficult circumstances. I think you need to concentrate on your own family and put as much distance between yourself and your parents as possible. Their influence over your life, your emotions and your feelings is not healthy.

I really recommend asking your GP to refer you to local mental health services perhaps for CBT for anxiety. I had this and it really helped me to set better boundaries and be more assertive with horrible family members, also to understand how their behaviour had affected me, how it wasn't my fault, but most of all to have more confidence in my parenting and be less anxious. They have undermined your confidence but you can get it back. You may find that simply not living so near makes all the difference though. They obviously have totally insane ideas about bringing up children and the things they have said are just plain awful. I had a school friend who went through a childhood of major operations and problems and she is one of the most positive, determined, ambitious and caring people I know, obviously it was very difficult for her but she responded well to the challenges, she had the support of her family and she also made lots of friends in hospital, and learnt a lot. He is wrong that this is all bad, you and the doctors are making her better and caring for her. What a total tw**.

Was just about to suggest same as April, counselling might help you sort some things out in your head, maybe learn some ways of dealing with your parents etc? Sounds like they've been controlling their adult children for a very long time and are presumably trying to control your DCs lives now.

I remember some of your other threads Op and I agree with others that the whole dynamic is pretty fucked up. I don't believe your parents will ever change, support you, treat you as an adult and so you need to be the one to change. Stop sharing information, don't try to convince them of anything and oh dear god MOVE the hell away from them as soon as you can!

I have the app with gp tomorrow am so I will talk to her about counselling etc and you know what fuck the letter for my parents.

My ddad is round my sisters now and used our back gate, just walked past dd and ds at the window. They were confused so I think I need to sort the back garden issue asap.

I told dc that grandad was very busy and he will see them later :(

Can you stick a padlock on the gate?
That might show him you mean business- but why do they use your back garden for access?

I wouldn't get your GP to write a letter, it wont make any difference, and just drags the Dr into your Dad's games.

^^ to this

Padlock on the gate. If they complain, tell them it's not like they're coming around to see you all, plus you need to show that the house is secure and not a public through way for when you put it on the market in the next couple of weeks

I think it's unlikely the GP will agree to write a letter as like us, they know it will be pointless trying to engage with your DF.

I don't think it is as simple as 'if he had a clear explanation from a professional he would get it'. You've already said you can't take him to appointments as he gets abusive - why would a letter convince him? Plus much of his reasoning has nothing to do with reality - it's more 'how can this have happened to my family when I am perfect, must be the fault of that useless daughter of mine' which of course no letter is going to change.

it's so toxic - move, definitely move. boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are needed and fast for your daughters sake, your husbands sake and for your own mental wellness.

what a lot you have on your plate OP.

Padlock the gate, it's not a public right of way. If you have to tell them anything then tell them their attitude hasn't been helpful and from now on they are either supportive or silent. For the record it's none of their business and I wouldn't tell them a bloody thing. Can't imagine how hard it must be to have all that worry on your plate, be kind to yourself x

and hugs to you Esme
I can't even begin to understand where your father and mother are coming from; they're totally weird.
You're doing the very best for your dd, and ds, and you definitely don't need these toxic bullies anywhere near your life.
I've just read your other threads and I wanted to say you're an amazing, very capable mum so don't let them undermine you.
Take care x

I agree with all the others do something so the evil old goat can't use your gate anymore.

What he is doing amounts to mental and emotional abuse of your children Esme,it sounds like both him and your Mum have been doing this to you for years,please don't let them do that to you or your lovely children any longer.

You sound like such a good Mum and a really nice person your parents really don't deserve you,your loyalty or your love.[hugs]

Agree with locking the gate and not getting gp involved.

Your father isn't interested in anyones opinion but his own! I'd lay odds that applies to everything?

Esme please believe me you are so strong,having gone what you went through when you were only a child yourself and coming out the other side of that is huge and not many people could.

You are being the parent that you should have had and deserved when you were a child.

Sending an unmumsnetty hug. I have a 2 year old DS who has complex medical issues and it's really hard, especially when people criticise and minimise your child's problems. I find minimizing the detail I give to various family members reduces the negative comments. I just say that DS is doing well, thanks and not go into detail about his latest hospital appointment, lumbar puncture etc. It must be difficult when they see you so often though. Agree that a padlock for the gate is needed.

Your parents are absolutely fucking horrific

Agree with your DH, even if it means staying in the same town for continuity of care you need to put some physical space between your family and them.

Padlock the gate. He sounds awful. What kind of a man ignores his grandchildren like that? Why does he go through your garden anyway?

Your parents are just hideous, nasty and well just awful

A complete aside point any chance that Johansen therapy would help with your DDs hearing? My DD was much too sensitive to certain frequencies and it completely changed her hearing curve and made it about 98% "perfect" opposed to inverse!!!

You are doing amazingly well to cope with all your dds needs without the utter nastiness and bullying from your parents.

Lost for words.

Parents use my gate to get into my sisters house from the back as there is no parking at the front.

I've done a very bad sketch, my dsis also uses my gate so we get quiet a lot of traffic which I don't mind but my dc will see my parents ever time they come round, every am and pm.

Just lock the gate and apologise to your sister for the inconvenience your parents behaviour will cause her by not being able to use the short cut!!!

Tis the only way - they'll have to walk around the front.

Doesn't dsis have a gate? Tough anyway. Make sure the gate is locked in future.

She does have a tiny tiny gate, not very child friendly usable. She has 3 dds and it would be very difficult for her.

Dh and I will talk to dsis on the weekend regarding parents not using the gate but she can.

My ddad is completely blanking me (fine by me) but walking through the garden so dd see him then not seeing them is really mean. So dh and I will explain our reasons and if she gets angry she will have to deal. We're doing her a favour but I can't upset the Dc.

Dh have also decided that when my ddad does decide he's not going to blank us and eventually just walks into my house like nothing happened then I'm going to calmly and firmly inform him that unless he respects dh and I and our decisions then we cannot have them in our lives.

If he has a fit (he will) then we go NC but if he agrees then we will have boundaries (like not just walking in our houses overriding decisions with the Dec).

How does that sound? Should I word it differently?

Thank you everyone xx

I think i'd worry about what they may say to the kids, ie your dd that she doesn't need the medication etc
I know there are cases of parents making up illness for their kids but it's clearly not the case here.
I've read your other threads and i feel so sorry for you.
It's like they think your kids are their kids, and that they know better?
My god your dds asthma mask, i still use the tube they give to kids and i'm in my 30's!
My mother is a bit like your parents i have invisible disabilities and she finds it extremely hard to get her head around it, but wow!
I have a serious blood condition, as if they don't think it or any of her other conditions aren't serious
Yes get your fence/gate fixed. They clearly have boundary issues too.