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AIBU?

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Original poster

Awkward wedding family situation

245 replies

Pepper12 · 23/11/2015 22:16

Hello all sorry this may be long!
Backstory I have 2 brothers. Brother 1 is getting married in March. Been together a few years no dcs. Brother 2 married for years has 4 kids from 7 to 2 months.

Brother 1 has asked brother 2 eldest child to be flower girl as she was so excited about wedding. All fine and dandy-dress shoes etc bought last week. Invitations have now arrived and wording as follows ' we respectfully inform that with the exception niece and fiances niece no children will be permitted at the wedding'. Brother 2 wife has gone mad how dare her 3 other kids (who to be fair are 3,2 and a baby) be excluded hence the eldest is now banned from being flower girl. Brother 1 and fiancée have stood firm and explained that niece is old enough and others are too young. Fiancées niece being flower girl is an only child. Cue me getting phone calls from sil and two brothers all wanting an opinion ! Is it awful that I think your circus your monkeys? Grrrrr

OP posts:
Original poster
Pepper12 · 24/11/2015 17:56

Hello have read all responses thanks for all your views. The wedding is in a church around 15 miles from where db and sil live. It appears now that db will go alone. My dad thinks that there is now no point extending invite to other children as sil will decline. Sil to be will take dress back tomorrow so it appears all sorted but not sure how relations will be from now on!

OP posts:
elf2 · 24/11/2015 18:11

Fine to have a child-free wedding but part of that is having NO children. I think it is reasonable to assume that if one of your children has been asked to be a flower girl then your other children would be invited too, as this is a child friendly wedding. Brother 1 should have definitely explained this to brother 2 at the time he asked for his niece to be flower girl.

Brother 1 messed up but that doesn't mean brother 2 should flounce and stop his daughter being a flower girl...unless there is a significant distance between the wedding and brother 2's home. If I were brother 2 then I would try to arrange someone to pick up my flower girl daughter after the photos (ensuring all of those with her in were done first!) and then enjoy the rest of the wedding completely childfree.

It would grate a little having to pay/arrange childcare but then still having a, possibly bored & tired, child in tow for the entire day. Is the two month old baby breastfed?

Headofthehive55 · 24/11/2015 18:11

Well they wont be on the best of terms will they?

Shes not exactly endeared herself to the rest of the family.

how do you feel about it op?

elf2 · 24/11/2015 18:14

Hope everyone manages to have a lovely day anyway Pepper12.
At least there is a conclusion now - hope the resentment doesn't go on for too many years!

SarahSavesTheDay · 24/11/2015 18:15

That sounds like the worst possible result.

LeaLeander · 24/11/2015 18:16

So they are depriving the 7-year-old of her fun experience because a baby and toddler (who won't know the difference) are not invited? Seems childish and petty to me.

I have zero recollection of which and how many weddings my parents attended before I was, say, 8 or 10 years old. Even at that age it would not have occurred to me to question whether or not my sister and I were invited. Maybe we were more docile or passive than kids today but it just wasn't up for negotiation nor was it presented as a negative. It just was - there were grown-up events, there were events that grown-ups and some "big kids" (teens, older cousins) could attend, and then there were full family events.

My uncle was married when I was about 9 or 10; if I recall my paternal grandmother (the groom was my mother's brother) took us to the church to observe the vows quietly from a rather rear row and we were able to congratulate the bride & groom on the church steps, throw rice etc., hug and kiss, see everyone all dressed up, etc. - and then we went back with Gram and spent the night there while my parents attended the dinner dance. No big deal. No hard feelings anywhere. We didn't assume automatic equal rights to the adults (what would there be to look forward to?) nor was our extended family any the less close-knit because some parties and occasions were geared toward adults rather than toward children.

SarahSavesTheDay · 24/11/2015 18:18

So they are depriving the 7-year-old of her fun experience because a baby and toddler (who won't know the difference) are not invited? Seems childish and petty to me.

I agree. Both of your SsIL sound pretty bad here.

Headofthehive55 · 24/11/2015 18:18

elf2 as sil is not going why on earth would db want to stay at a wedding where he might know relatively few people and be without his wife? The church bit yes, but the party?

It's tedious talking to people you don't really know and might never see again.

Headofthehive55 · 24/11/2015 18:20

It might be just me but isn't the wedding the church bit? The rest is a glorified office party!

LeaLeander · 24/11/2015 18:21

elf, I would respectfully think it's fair to assume that there is a distinction between a 7-year-old member of the wedding party and expecting that three other people who are still in diapers and well below school age are her equivalent and should be all-or-nothing on the guest list.

We wouldn't expect a 3-year-old or a 2-year-old to exhibit the same behavior and decorum as the age 7 girl, but by the same token they have different social privileges and status, siblings or not. Just as when they are older, at age 16 (or whatever the family norm) the older girl may be driving, having boyfriends and other privileges not extended to the younger children. Again, does the family never, ever split up for any other reason? Are they always a six-person unit for every other event and experience?

I simply cannot imagine anyone in my family making a fuss because they were asked not to bring diaper-age children to a festive luncheon or dinner.

expatinscotland · 24/11/2015 18:33

I don't blame the SIL. Your brother should have told her what the arrangements would be before she agreed to put her daughter in as flower girl, so his brother and wife could have declined at the outset.

reni2 · 24/11/2015 18:36

Well, it is a solution of sorts. I can understand the family not wishing to split the children, Baby would have to be brought if bf anyway. Of course the bride and groom can invite who they want, equally the guests can say no thank you if they feel the arrangements unfair.

This arrangement would have left the Brother 2 with both babysitter costs and childcare duties at the wedding since bf baby and 7yo would and 2+3 yo wouldn't be there.

elf2 · 24/11/2015 18:37

I see the bit about SIL not going until after I posted headofthehive.

elf2 · 24/11/2015 18:38

I didn't see...tired!

diddl · 24/11/2015 18:46

"Both of your SsIL sound pretty bad here."

Yes of course!

Neither of the brothers have any say, do they??!!

BYOSnowman · 24/11/2015 18:49

A three year old isn't diaper age. I'm not sure why the three year old is being lumped in as a baby

Andro · 24/11/2015 18:54

The 7yo is the one I feel sorry for in this situation, she's the innocent party but she's the one being punished for something she's not at fault for.

Everyone else has handled this very badly, but the child psys the price!

reni2 · 24/11/2015 18:56

I'd have a great big day out at a theme park on the day if I were SIL 2, just so the 7yo can do something special without having the 3yo left behind.

BYOSnowman · 24/11/2015 19:13

Is the three year old a boy?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 24/11/2015 19:27

This isn't the first or second time iv heard of this. To be honest, I can't think of anything worse than taking a 3,2 and seven month old to a wedding and would of got them babysat anyway.

I do think the brother who is getting married should of explained this when asking your dn to be bridesmaid though.

I'd be saying im sorry I don't feel I should get involved.

expatinscotland · 24/11/2015 19:36

'I'd have a great big day out at a theme park on the day if I were SIL 2'

Oh, yeah, because theme parks with a baby and pre-schooler are great fun Hmm. How about a nice spa day?

I'd have told the SIL1 to sling her hook, too.

Bunbaker · 24/11/2015 19:39

It strikes me that the people getting married seem terribly socially unaware. They don't care who they upset in the process of getting their "perfect wedding". They must have the hide of a rhino.

It isn't a great start to majorly piss off the other members of the family.

DinosaursRoar · 24/11/2015 19:40

Problem is, once you do somehting like this, put your 'big day' ahead of family relations, you do usually get your dream day exactly as you want it, but the cost and fall out will go on for a looonnnnggg time afterwards. There's no way it can't spoil the relationship between the brothers.

It's sad that so many couples' push for the perfect day causes family fall outs.

Bunbaker · 24/11/2015 19:43

To me a perfect wedding is when people haven't fallen out. But in both OH's and my families we don't do child free weddings anyway.

Orda1 · 24/11/2015 20:23

Meh I don't really see the problem. It's up to them, no one else. The 7 year old isn't going to be screaming, crying and generally ruining it for everyone like the small ones might be.

Not everyone loves other people's small children.