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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the adults should get presents too?

135 replies

lborgia · 22/11/2015 20:09

Last year my SIL and family asked if we could just do presents for the children. They were saving up for a trip and somehow this became almost as big an issue for the whole extended family as it was for them. The kids only idea was part of their saving scheme. They have suggested it again this year. Money is not am issue for them, and i don't think it's the reason for their decision.

SIL2 was happy with this as her routine line is "i don't matter, it's all about the kids" with ref to any sort of occasion.

I feel quite strongly that i want my children to know that the adults in the family are as important as their cousins. I have thought about this long and hard and 1- I don't like being told what to do, 2 - it doesn't stop us doing it differently as i could ignore the edict.

I really really don't care if i get a present i don't need another shopping note pad or scarf in my lifetime but somewhere in my head I've got this strong feeling that it represents a bigger issue. I think I've answered my own question, yes AIBU..

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesArePretty · 23/11/2015 07:25

We do adult gifts as agree that christmas is about family not just the children.

I choose carefully so no scarves or Booots 3 for 2 and nothing is tat. It's not hard to find a gift that will be liked.

Mehitabel6 · 23/11/2015 07:28

I love scarves and things from Boots!

pictish · 23/11/2015 07:53

I'm in the no presents for adults camp myself. Like Christmas shopping when you've got kids to buy for isn't time consuming and expensive enough, without providing tat for adults they can buy for themselves if they want it, as well.
No - time and money constraints say nay to adding extra to the load to shop for grown ups as well.

Mehitabel6 · 23/11/2015 07:58

We stopped when we were just exchanging bottles of wine.
I don't understand how people afford it.

atticusclaw2 · 23/11/2015 08:01

The reason many people don't do adults is because the whole thing gets completely out of hand in terms of cost.

We realised a couple of years ago that things had become silly when we sent off the presents for the three children of an old friend of DHs whom we hadn't seen since our wedding. They live at the other end of the UK and we'd never even met any of their three children. We decided to call it a day when we received from them for DS2 the identical present we'd sent to their DS1. It literally had become a swapping of money.

That's what it becomes for adults. We buy for grandparents and great grandparents but not for adults with children i.e. siblings etc.

Mehitabel6 · 23/11/2015 08:04

And where would you stop? As the nephews and nieces get partners and children it gets more and more!

pictish · 23/11/2015 08:11

I concur with things getting totally out of hand regarding cost. We have three kids, one of which has a birthday on the 20th of December. No amount of tat for adults is worth being completely cleaned out and starving in January for...we simply do not have the funds (or the time spent at the shops/shopping online ffs) to include them.

pictish · 23/11/2015 08:17

I don't understand how people afford it either mehitabel - they either have lots of lovely lolly to play with and don't miss it, or they are getting themselves into debt and putting it on the card.

We would miss it and we won't get into debt to buy nonsense for adults who, within our families anyway, have a lot more money than us.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 23/11/2015 08:20

I think as well (if OP is still reading) that it doesn't matter how thoughtful or appropriate you believe your gifts to be, if the recipient has requested no gifts it won't be appreciated. It won't matter what it actually is.

I also think it's pointless buying in January - what the hell d'you do when you've got your SiL a £30 cookbook in January only to find out at the start of December that she's never going to cook again and has taken up rock climbing?

pictish · 23/11/2015 08:24

Or that the cook book has ended up in the bargain bin at Bookworld for £3.

carabos · 23/11/2015 08:27

I'd like to stop buying presents altogether. We only have three under 18s in the whole extended family and I'm the only one who bothers to do gift buying properly i.e. consider the recipient and their interests and buy appropriately. Everyone else does the cheap crap from the Body Shop / market in the wrong size /colour that goes straight into the charity shop bag on Boxing Day. It's pointless consumerism and I hate it.

ohtheholidays · 23/11/2015 08:27

YABU,I love giving at Christmas but I really don't care about getting anything back.That's not what Christmas is about!

I bought for all my nieces and nephews when they were growing up,there's only 7 years between me and the oldest.But now they're all adults and the one's that have children I buy for they're children and my nieces and nephews love that I buy for they're LO's,my 2 nephews that are still single and don't have children I buy for them.Once either or both of them are in a relationship I'll buy for they're partners as well and then if they go onto have children I'l start buying for they're children instead.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 23/11/2015 08:30

Tbh pictish I think that would piss me off even more!

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 23/11/2015 08:35

My family does a Secret Santa for grownups - would that be a good compromise?

Dh's family only does presents for the children, which is fine by me. Christmas is more about being together for me.

I do sometimes get the children to make a present for the grownups - usually something edible.

Original poster
lborgia · 23/11/2015 09:38

milk, can't believe there are more posts but when i last looked they tended to be rages against tat and buying for hordes. I completely agree with everything along those lines.

To reiterate, it amounts to a couple of extra presents per family, it's what we've always done, so am not changing status quo. To answer you specifically, of course I'm not going to give them presents if they don't want them. I've already bought them, but i have spoken to my friend/neighbour and she and i love what i bought for the SILS so we're going to have them Grin DH has said he still wants to buy for his parents, so do I, and I've already had FIL on the phone saying he's not being told what to do and will be giving everyone presents (which is charming except it's MIL who has to do the work). That's the thing, everything turning into a million conversations.

Oh and btw, last year having railed against being told what to do, and being told absolutely no presents for adults, both SILS brought us all "a small something"/"a contribution"/a bloody present!

oh the holidays you've misunderstood all my posts. I don't need a present. I don't care whether i personally get a present. I want my children to realise adults are relevant, to enjoy giving, not just receiving.

I'm done, I've bored myself to death!

OP posts:
pictish · 23/11/2015 10:04

I'm not quite sure why the kids need to understand it's for the adults too. They're kids...let them have it ffs. Soon enough they'll be adults themselves with an adult perspective. Why do they need to gain that now?

The adult bit of Christmas isn't the prezzies, it's the time off work imo.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 23/11/2015 10:18

OP - that's why I put "if OP is still reading". I figured you'd probably seen enough of a 50/50 split to not need to read any more Grin

Collaborate · 23/11/2015 10:21

Not read the whole thread.

You can't dictate someone exchanges presents with you. You can still get them one, but to do so without making them feel awkward for not having got one for you would be difficult. So YABU.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 23/11/2015 10:26

In our family there are 9 adults and 1 child, can you imagine if no one else got presents, the poor kid would be overwhelmed being the only recipient of gifts! And would also learn nothing about the art of giving.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 23/11/2015 10:28

And I like getting presents!

dementedpixie · 23/11/2015 10:31

Everyone buys for children but we also buy for any adults with no children e.g. My brother gets a present as he is childless with no partner.

Janeymoo50 · 23/11/2015 10:53

I just think it's nice to get a small pressie too for the adults, Secret Santa is a good way round this - budget of £5.00 shouldn't really break the bank.

redstrawberry10 · 23/11/2015 11:04

The reason many people don't do adults is because the whole thing gets completely out of hand in terms of cost.

either that, or you get cheap tat, which I wouldn't want.

Christmas can be fun. More fun if you don't have to buy cheap tat for adults. I am in the alcohol/consumables if necessary only camp for adults.

specialsubject · 23/11/2015 12:28

The adult bit of Christmas isn't the prezzies, it's the time off work imo.

oh yes. That is all that ever mattered; time off without arguing for it! Pity it couldn't be swapped for a better time of year but there you go.

NotEmptyNow · 23/11/2015 13:07

I think it depends how many children there are in the family, if you all have children, then I suppose it makes sense. But if some of you don't or there's only a few in the family then I think siblings should still buy for each other. My DBs been suggesting this for years as he couldn't be bothered to buy presents. As there's only currently 1 child in the family it would be a pretty joyless Christmas! Also do they mean cutting out gps aswell? If that's the case then it's very sad.