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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the adults should get presents too?

135 replies

lborgia · 22/11/2015 20:09

Last year my SIL and family asked if we could just do presents for the children. They were saving up for a trip and somehow this became almost as big an issue for the whole extended family as it was for them. The kids only idea was part of their saving scheme. They have suggested it again this year. Money is not am issue for them, and i don't think it's the reason for their decision.

SIL2 was happy with this as her routine line is "i don't matter, it's all about the kids" with ref to any sort of occasion.

I feel quite strongly that i want my children to know that the adults in the family are as important as their cousins. I have thought about this long and hard and 1- I don't like being told what to do, 2 - it doesn't stop us doing it differently as i could ignore the edict.

I really really don't care if i get a present i don't need another shopping note pad or scarf in my lifetime but somewhere in my head I've got this strong feeling that it represents a bigger issue. I think I've answered my own question, yes AIBU..

OP posts:
HildaFlorence · 22/11/2015 21:19

My siblings and I only buy for the children , we buy our parents presents and I buy Dh obviously but I am one of five , that would mean 8 adults plus 5 adult grandchildren and 6 children .Far too many and we don't see each other often enough to know what to get to be meaningful .

Christmas is about much more than presents and for me the present part is really for the children

tassisssss · 22/11/2015 21:20

I get it OP. I like buying (and receiving) gifts from my siblings.

Original poster
lborgia · 22/11/2015 21:22

@vestal - oh they're definitely buying their partners something. They both have relatively new partners and a huge amount will be spent on them ☺

I wouldn't even begin to assume they're including my dh and what we buy for each other.

Some pp are being a little bit obtuse. But that's OK. This is definitely not about the tat and consumerism gorn mad. But i think that was clear from my op.

There is a back story about family games, and resentments and my life being so inextricably tangled with my in laws,and generally I've learned to ignore, no is a complete sentence, etc etc. But sometimes I need to react from the gut and this happens to be the topic. Their uptight, sanctimonious, manipulative, and two-faced. But i can't change that. Only my response. (Does that count as a drip feed? )

OP posts:
mrsjanedoe · 22/11/2015 21:23

why do we have to buy presents for everybody?

My kids of course, my parents, but then really it should stop there, unless you all spend Christmas together. I don't really have the time, energy or money to buy something for all adults, siblings, in-laws, uncles, aunties, brother ex-wife, new wife, kids from 1st marriage. It's ridiculous.

This is what Christmas cards are made for, to tell them you think about them. I am happy to send a big box of chocolate per family, but really, can't be bothered with extended family.

specialsubject · 22/11/2015 21:24

the tat exchange has been stopped round here too - although we do swap cards which I like as I think they are quite important to cheer up a miserable time of year.

if I am giving a present to an adult now it is something that will vanish; drink, food, flowers. Everyone I know has all they need and we all have very different tastes.

if anyone gave me anything other than the above it would end up in the charity shop. I've got enough clothes, I wear three pieces of jewellery, I have soap, I don't like scented candles and the house is full of ornaments as it is.

seeing people is the best bit.

OP, your family don't want to spend time in the horrors of the shops buying planet-wrecking crap, and they don't want you to do it either.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/11/2015 21:27

YABU. I'm not poor - but once you start adding up the cost of presents for everyone at Christmas, plus all the food and shit that goes with it I personally think buying for adults is a pointless expense. It's only Christmas, the main part of the celebration is the being together, eating and drinking not the commercial present giving bollocks.

I'm not totally joyless - I do birthday presents for adults as I think an individual's birthday is a bit more significant than Christmas. It also spreads the cost throughout the year.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/11/2015 21:30

OP - if you consider them uptight, sanctimonious, manipulative and two-faced, why do you even want to exchange gifts?

BrandNewAndImproved · 22/11/2015 21:31

Could you not ask if you can do a joke secret santa. Like who can get the best but worst present for under a fiver sort of thing.

NewLife4Me · 22/11/2015 21:33

I don't understand how anybody can argue with other people's decisions on
what sort of Christmas they want.

I also don't understand your reason OP
Why would the children not see the grown ups as important, because they didn't get a present?

I also don't see you are being told to do anything. They were telling you what they were doing.

katienana · 22/11/2015 21:34

One year dh and I were skint so bought each other nothing but still had to buy gifts for his cousins, aunt and uncle, and their kids. Came to about £70. Would have rather have had a nice meal out with dh than 3 bottles of wine 3 boxes of chocolates. That's why I've limited the gift exchange. If I bought for all the equivalent adults in my family it would be insane.
We do secret santa between siblings & partners which works really well. I buy for my parents of course. But if I couldn't afford it I know they'd rather I spend on ds instead.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/11/2015 21:36

Yabu.

starlight2007 · 22/11/2015 21:37

My Dsis helps my Ds get a present ... I am a LP..I tell friends just buy for Ds.. He likes to give me something however I don't think he see's me as less important as I don't get a pile of pressies

Mehitabel6 · 22/11/2015 21:38

We do presents for children and stop at 18yrs.
Adults get presents, DH and I exchange and the DCs get us presents.
It is ridiculously expensive otherwise, we stick to immediate family.

ghostyslovesheep · 22/11/2015 21:39

I buy for my close family - so Mum, step dad, Ex PIL sister and BIL and their son

But that's it so it's not like I have a huge family to buy for - I do it because I enjoy buying gifts - Mum always buys me a few little things - my Sis only buys for my kids

I buy my own presents as well as I am single

Gwenhwyfar · 22/11/2015 21:43

"your point that children should see adults being involved and getting gifts is a really interesting point."

But why though? Why would you want to teach your children that Christmas is about buying gifts. That's not what it's about for me at all.

GrinAndTonic · 22/11/2015 21:45

YANBU. Christmas is about everyone not just children. I have seven nieces and nephews to buy for plus the adults. I start shopping in January and stockpile gifts so it's not as stressful or expensive in December. DH and I dont't have children so it is quite easy to feel left out. My SIL tried to pull the adults only thing this year too.

Translator1000 · 22/11/2015 21:47

Or my brother and I exchange "wish list" presents of exactly the same price entirely for the sake of it.

Me and my sister do the same. I am glad though because if it weren't for her, my Dad from whom I get money and my Aunt who gives us a family style hamper, I would get nothing (I realise that sounds like quite a lot - I guess the fact that dh is not into gifts rankles a bit even though I am used to it) - dh doesn't do presents at any time of year Hmm and our 3 dc receive rather than give.

So I know this year that I will be getting perfume from my sister but am excited about my "surprise" Grin.

MySordidCakeSecret · 22/11/2015 21:49

YABU!

iwantgin · 22/11/2015 21:50

We just do gifts for 'children' now - but it isn't due to money saving issues.

I instigated it and all the adults involved seem quite happy to go along with it.

Would rather not have a houseful of random perfume gift sets and novelty mini body lotions that I will re-gift. As adults - I think if you really want a new jumper then you would go out and chooose and pay for one yourself. Not have to write down the precise details for someone else to 'gift' it to you.

Birthdays are far more of an event in my mind.

Mehitabel6 · 22/11/2015 21:50

Last year we had extended family on the day and so we did a secret Santa with £5 max and that worked well.
I certainly don't start shopping in January!

Translator1000 · 22/11/2015 21:52

(The only adults I get presents for are ditto my Aunt, Dad and sister - no one in dh's family - only 4 nieces and nephews who are still young. So my list of people to buy for includes:
our 3 dc
4 nieces and nephews
my sister
my Aunt
my Dad

and 1 friend who has taken to buying me Xmas gifts (since last year) so I am returning the favour!

Translator1000 · 22/11/2015 21:54

I didn't mean no one at all from dh's family - the nieces and nephews are his!

CocktailQueen · 22/11/2015 21:58

We do pressies for all in our family - our parents, my sister, her husband, their dc, and we spend the same on each person, whether adult or child.

I think it's important that everyone is remembered at Christmas, not just the kids: that wasn't how it was when I grew up, and I don't want it to be increasingly child-centric. Jeez, our dc don't needanything, do they? If you know and like your relatives enough, everyone can get pressies they really like, not just token gifts.

If money is short, you can get meaningful gifts that don't cost the earth too.

elf2 · 22/11/2015 21:59

YABU
Your SIL has asked to be excused from the adult gift exchange - she doesn't want to do it.
You are free to continue exchanging gifts with all the other adults that WANT to.
If you ignore her request and get her one anyway then that is passive aggressive IMO.

TerrifiedMothertobe · 22/11/2015 22:00

Yabu

We have only 8 children between mine and my husbands family, but 14 adults. It costs a bomb and I don't want/need anything, and to be honest neigther do the kids. They get given a crazy amount. I'd rather people saved their money and bought something useful, instead of another bottle of sherry, or some rank placemats or inappropriate m&s soap that will never see the light of day.

Christmas is also about the spirit of giving, not just giving crap!