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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving children in cars? Is this ok or not?

142 replies

babarthefuckingelephant · 17/11/2015 21:30

Theres another mum at the nursery that i've noticed since the weather has been getting colder has been leaving her baby in the car while she takes her toddler in or picks her up. Car is locked and usually parked at the end of the path so 10-20ft from the door, and she seems really blasé about it but it unsettles me a bit and i don't know if IABU and just overanxious. Its a small nursery and you can be in and out in a minute or two but then you never know when someone will pull you to the side and it will take longer. I don't know whether to mention it to somebody, but then I leave my baby in the car when i go into the petrol station to pay for petrol (about the same distance and time), so am i just over worrying?

OP posts:
Original poster
babarthefuckingelephant · 19/11/2015 00:44

Thanks for all the replies. I think i overthought a situation that wasn't really my business to notice and it made me question my own behaviour i think more than the mum doing it because it occurred to me that i really didn't know if it was ok or not, and started thinking about the fact I do leave my kids in the car at the petrol station (I had seen a thread on fb slating somebody for doing this) and when I saw this woman at nursery I started wondering if I should be doing the same thing with my baby because that might be better than getting her out in the rain or whether it was really irresponsible. I think what worried me the most was that I don't know and I couldn't decide. And I'm usually really decisive with these things but my judgement seems to have gone out of the window. Im not sure if any of that makes sense.
I wouldn't have actually reported the lady to social services or anything like that, but I'm intrigued to find out if that is the sort of thing that would actually bother them or not. I would have probably had a word with the lady first or one of the girls in the nursery, Ive seen a few threads where people have been so vilified for it and when i realised I was doing it at the petrol station I felt like I didn't know if I actually should be concerned or not?
God i feel so stupid.

OP posts:
Senpai · 19/11/2015 02:05

I am clearly an ineffective patent then. My 2yo runs all day every day. If only I knew how to teach someone with no perception of danger the risks associated with running into the road. I wish I was you senpai

I'll tell you my secret: I hold my child's hand as I walk her to the store, then stick her in the trolly. Problem solved. Crazy what a little parental supervision can do.

You can't leave your child in the car. You find a way to adapt and keep them safe even if you have to get a silly backpack with a lead on it. It's a bad habit to get into, because the one time you're leaving your child in there on routine and lose track of time could be the time they get heat sick.

Senpai · 19/11/2015 02:06

Kind of hypocritical senpaito comment on other people's parenting and then go on to say how you couldn't be left in the car as a child.

Uhm... How does how I acted as a child have anything to do with my parenting and telling people not to do it?

If anything, knowing exactly what sort of shenanigans I'd get into give me more authority to tell people kids need supervision. Grin

00100001 · 19/11/2015 06:26

Senpai - you clearly don't have a bolter Good for you, parent of the year award coming your way.

Senpai · 19/11/2015 06:37

Senpai - you clearly don't have a bolter Good for you, parent of the year award coming your way.

Did it ever occur to you that if my toddler followed commands like a robot, I wouldn't have to hold her hand and put her in the trolly so she couldn't run amok? All toddlers have no sense of self preservation. Mine bolts just like anyone else's child. The difference is, I understand the responsibilities that come with being a parent, and prevent her from doing this.

That's not being parent of the year, that's baseline behavior of what is expected of all parents. Just like making her wear a seat belt and supervising her in the bathtub.

I'm not going to pretend that letting your child flirt with death in a car park is normal a parenting mistake. It's not. Minimizing neglectful parenting does no one any favors.

I worry for your children if you think basic safety and common sense sets a bar so high that it's considered parenting of the year for you though.

00100001 · 19/11/2015 06:46

Oh I'm sorry, I was forgetting you're perfect at parenting, and we're not. I do like how your child is never ever put in danger.

I presume you stay awake at night monitoring your child, just in case, and that you go with them to the toilet at all times, and never let them go out of the room unaccompanied... ever. I presume your child has never once banged their head? or stubbed their toe? or ever had any sort of injury?

Life happens, people aren't perfect but, implying that someone leaving a child asleep in the car whilst they pay for petrol is neglectful is VERY damaging and unfair. It is not neglectful. Implying that any parent who had a child that made a bid for freedom is somehow neglectful is also very damaging.

SocksRock · 19/11/2015 06:54

I have two that like to run. No trolleys in the shop, plus my 6yo runner is too heavy for me to lift even if there was a trolley that he would fit in.

I understand my responsibilities as a parent very well thank you, and doing a risk assessment on the best way to keep them safe is part of that. I will not expose them to the risk of multiple moving vehicles, my attention being split between three children and the loaf of bread/petrol I need. My 6yo (and my 2yo) can both run faster than me, and believe me I do not need my shopping experience enhanced by pursuing them round the shop.

They are safer in the car for the 3-5 minutes it takes me to pay for petrol and grab some milk.

Your risk assessment may be different, which is fine - but blanket dismissing choices made by other parents who know their children better than you do, is odd.

And where does it stop? My friend has 6 children ranging from 11 to newborn. Should she be taking all of them out of this car to pay? At what age are you suddenly responsible enough to be left? When you reach 16? Or maybe a bit before that?

RudyMentary · 19/11/2015 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SocksRock · 19/11/2015 07:42

Included in my risk assessment is the fact that it is a garage I frequent often, I know the staff and they know I have children. Sometimes I don't have all the children with me and again the risk assessment is different. If I'm somewhere I don't know, again different. If one of the children isn't feeling well, different. If I need to do a larger shop - well, I probably wouldn't do it in a petrol station, so again - different situation.

And by risk assessment, I'm not talking about paper forms or nonsense. I'm talking about the split second decisions we all make. Crossing the road, which bits of playground equipment to supervise and which to let them do on their own, choosing a childminder, having a shower while the 2yo is napping.

All of these involve risk and everyone assesses them differently. Unless my risk assessment skills are so skewed as to put my children at risk of danger and neglect - and I believe my children are in less danger securly strapped in a car that potentially running under the wheels of one, I can't see the issue.

winchester1 · 19/11/2015 09:44

This must depend a lot on the type of area you live in, it normal here to leave your engines running (too cold otherwise) and kids in the car while you nip into nursery, shops etc.
My two yr old isn't a bolter so I know regardless what some say not all toddlers are. Some get the idea to stop running or they will have to get back in the pram some don't, thats no fault or credit to the parent imo. He however can't do lots of other things which other two yr olds can, thats just the way kids are.

MiaowTheCat · 19/11/2015 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BasinHaircut · 19/11/2015 14:33

*I'll tell you my secret: I hold my child's hand as I walk her to the store, then stick her in the trolly. Problem solved. Crazy what a little parental supervision can do.

You can't leave your child in the car. You find a way to adapt and keep them safe even if you have to get a silly backpack with a lead on it. It's a bad habit to get into, because the one time you're leaving your child in there on routine and lose track of time could be the time they get heat sick.*

Hold their hand? Yes, yes that works just fine. I love dislocating by son's arm by dragging him along by the hand whilst he tries to move in the opposite direction. You clearly dont know what it's like to have a bolter.

Back packs with a lead? Ha ha, if you knew how many of them is tried. He is strong, they break. That's if I can get it on him before he bolts......

Snossidge · 19/11/2015 14:45

I have reins for my 1 year old - he just lifts his feet up.

Senpai - I have a toddler who's just contrary, a strong 3 year old who bolts and a 5 year old who won't run off but is a bit of a dreamer. Dragging the toddler, keeping a death grip on the 3yo, shouting at the 5yo to look where he's going, keeping hold of them all while getting them in and out of car seats or maybe putting the buggy up and down just to contain one of them while nipping into the shop/petrol station etc No, none of that sounds even slightly safer or better parenting them leaving them safely strapped in in the car.

SocksRock · 19/11/2015 15:52

I've never dislocated a toddler shoulder by trying to move in the opposite direction to her.

I have dislocated her elbow though Blush

Google it Senpai, it's called Pulled Elbow and is quite common in small children. Luckily minor injuries put it back pretty easily...

PresidentUnderwood · 19/11/2015 17:53

DD is a bolter & it's got so bad that random strangers help me as she's so unpredictable & scary.

Trust me, I've tried holding her hand, pushchairs, trollers, reigns the lot and she still thrashes around / goes stiff / screams / lies on floor or just runs.

So I leave her in the car. Every single day for at least 2 minutes.

Flashbangandgone · 19/11/2015 19:38

socksrock

Completely agree re risk assessments...

I think the tendency of some parents to assume that the child is necessarily safer when immediately next to you is a skewed risk judgement... The best example being the person who insisted on taking all 4 children across a forecourt into a petrol station for fear of her car igniting! senpai - yours is another example IMO. The risk that a child will slip out of your grip in a busy car park and bolt into the path of an oncoming car clearly seems considerably higher than any risk associated with a strapped in child of a car in view.

Euripidesralph · 19/11/2015 21:27

Senpai are you serious?

I fully understand the reposnsibilities of being a parent ... This includes knowing my child well enough to know he can twist his hand out of mine in a heart beat.... ok granted yes I could probably hold tighter but you know it would break his wrist or wrench his fingers.... shockingly I choose not to do that

Not to mention.... I'm 8 months pregnant so if my DS runs and I somehow by a miracle manage to keep up with a giant baby ... polyhydramia (sp?) And I get DS but unborn DS gets hurt then I'm. Being irresponsible to unborn child

So lovely post .... ignoring complex intricacies of real time risk assessment.... you carry on in the belief that life is black and white.... until something shows you it's not

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