To expect an 11 year old to be able to eat off the adults menu

[Icklepickle101]

Me & DP have been invited out to dinner by the in laws, text from MIL said 'you choose where we go, we aren't fussy'.

I text MIL I've booked a table at a local pub type and a copy of the menu. I then get a reply asking if we could go somewhere see as there is no children's menu for SIL age 11.

I could understand if the menu was fairly out there but there are things like a chicken Kiev or pie and mash but apparently these aren't suitable as she won't eat it all anyway.

I suggested she could eat something from the starters menu with a side but apparently this wouldn't be a balanced meal?

AIBU to expect and 11 year old (secondary school age!!!) to be able to choose something from the adults menu and not to want to change where we are going to accommodate her?

I agree mintyy and I think that if ever a text was begging for a passive aggressive response, then MIL's daft text - you pick but make sure you pick somewhere that SIL likes, but pretend that's not why you picked it - was definitely in line for it.

Yanbu. My dc1 was the fussiest eater ever until he hit 15, many times he ended up with just a plate of chips, but if it's a regular pub there must be fish n chips, spag bol, chicken n chips, pasta etc on the menu.

Firstly, I don't think that anyone who eats foie gras or snails/frogs legs has any business calling us weird about food! Those things are minging!

OP, my dad's little sister was like your sil. She was completely indulged by my grandparents. In the 40 years that my parents have been married, she has not improved much! Nip it in the bud now, by not indulging her strops. If she eats the food at home, she can eat in a restaurant or not come. Choice is hers!

Meant to add, I would text back and say that restaurant have agreed to male child sized portion so all sorted and you have booked it. Present them with a done deal. Child needs to be taught that the world does not revolve around her.

Yes, just pick up the bloody phone and have a conversation. Honestly, this whole thing has taken you 5 hours and it's still not resolved. If you speak to your MIL (or better, your husband does - they're his family), then this can all be sorted out in 5 minutes

I couldn't be arsed to have all this angst over a chicken kiev. Get your pjs on & stay in!

YANBU - Most places will do smaller portions for children if you ask them. My 3 year old regulary eats smaller portions off the adult menu and my 10 year old very rarely opts for the childrens menu.

PS can I come - chicken kiev is my favourite

I like LetGo's suggestion above, given that MIL has now taken the 'oh, you should go where you want' route. And tell your DP that you always have the option not to go somewhere you don't want to, since you're an individual with your own freewill and all that.

What a shame we can't hear the SIL's side of the story.

Especially as the OP's is obviously coloured by the fact that by her own admission, she doesn't like her.

As someone who is pregnant, OP, how do you think you'll feel if one day one of your family members says they don't like your DC and describes them in such disparaging terms?

How pregnant are you OP? Shouldn't MIL be putting your comfort first at the moment? Just tell them you chose the pub because it's quite/comfortable/has food you can stomach etc. Then if they still say no, invite them all around for a takeaway.

The mean remark about 6 month olds eating from the adult menu being stealth boasting is rubbish. DS Is just not a nuggets and chips child. From about 18 months we would order one adult meal (usually fish) for him and his cousin (6 months older) to share. That said they'd still have Chips with it!

Children are individuals and not all individuals are likeable. Now she may well grow up to be charming but then again she may not. The OP is allowed to not like sil as she is at present.

Rhonda I really hope my children never make up horrible lies to intentionally try and make someone feel bad and out them in a really awkward situation. Regardless of age this is wrong and if my child ever did this I would be mortified.

I really hope ashen she is more mature we get in and have a good relationship, I don't like havjng a strained relationship with her as it must be awkward for DP. I'm just fed up of her behaviour.

When we go for dinner I will be 36ish weeks and on crutches (have been for 15 weeks due to spd) so somewhere easily accessible would be handy.

If I was relaying ridiculous demands like this, I'd think my family were perfectly entitled not to be particularly keen on either of us tbh Rhonda.

You don't have to excuse all behaviour and like someone just because they are family.

Hah, Mintyy - DH has to persuade MIL to pick up the phone because he gets sick of endless text conversations full of 3 worders when he's trying to get to the bottom of what technical thing has been FUBARed, this month.

Another one here who can't understand why people can't phone each other to sort things out. My solution would be to get SIL a Happy Meal and let her eat it in the car while the adults enjoy their pub meal!!

And given the way this is turning out, Ickle I'd forget Pizza Express and stick with the original pub and say that if SIL can't work out a few options from the adult menu with MIL in advance, then you'll understand if SIL can't be with you, that evening.

Even when DS1 is finding a choice difficult, we work together on being "grown up" and dealing with something unwanted politely.

There's a way for you to win here, while keeping everyone happy. I know, because I have to follow this script with my SIL who is 35, but never mind every time we eat out.

Commiserate with MIL about the terrible offerings in restaurants these days - what would SIL's ideal meal be? If she designed it herself, what would she like? I guarantee this will turn out to be something at least similar to an offering on the menu.

Call said pub, explaining the situation - most people have at least one awkward relative imo, so if you're nice, they'll likely agree to make the meal for SIL. (In our family it always ends up being a request for plain pasta with tomato sauce, chillis and garlic bread - we've received this in an Indian before now, with prior planning.)

Turn up on the day serenely thanking the staff for their trouble, MIL is happy as precious princess has her meal, SIL is happy because she thinks she's won (even if she still has a face like thunder - you won't be able to change that unfortunately!) and you win because you calmly sorted a tantrum and got to eat somewhere nicer than a chain place.

Repeat each time you eat out. You can't change their behaviour, but you can change your response to it!

I'm surprised at the responses you've had OP.

You dislike DPs little sister and she is clearly having problems with her brother having left home / you / new baby on the way.

Rather than focusing on how to improve your relationship, help her feel secure in your extended family, making the dynamic a happier and less strained one for when your new baby arrives, you're getting cross about where you go for dinner and a fussy eating 11 year old.

She's not fussy. she eats it at home and anywhere else.

there's a 13 yr age gap she's used to pretty much being an only child given teens spend their time out the house at schopl ot in their rooms.

Maybe because the ILs issued the invitation, she'll be 36 weeks pregnant, and feels buggered about, and the DP says his sister can eat stuff on the nice pub menu, but the MIL says apparently she can't and need a a child's menus, but the pub says it can do smaller portions because the OP made the effort to ask, and MIL says the OP must choose the venue but not choose, oh but yes she must after all choose, and DP says she can't refuse to go, and OP thinks they'll be paying for their own as usual anyway.

There is a similar age gap between me and my sibling. They didn't act like this when I got a partner and had dc. My parents would not have indulged this sort of behaviour. It's natural for sil to miss her brother and most people would understand and sympathise. It is possible to do so and still not give in to bratty behaviour.

Rhonda I really hope my children never make up horrible lies to intentionally try and make someone feel bad and out them in a really awkward situation. Regardless of age this is wrong and if my child ever did this I would be mortified

But maybe if they do, (because you will find out when you have your own that at certain points they will do things that mortify you), your family member would have the maturity and common sense to say they dislike your child's behaviour, not that they dislike your child.

My children are older, but I do so hope that when they were 11 the grown ups in their lives would have cut them a bit of slack. Which of us would like to be judged on what we were like at 11?

OP- the thing about 11 year olds is that they will be completely different people in a couple of years. When she's a bit older she will probably be your baby's fantastic, super cool favourite auntie. And there is nothing a baby needs more than super cool aunties. So find another restaurant. Let your mother in law buy you dinner for a treat. And just wait for your sil to grow up. She will.

LongHard - the SIL isn't a fussy eater - the menu gas things on it that she does eat, and she has eaten meals from the adult menu when eating out before - it sounds as if she is just being deliberately difficult about this meal.