To think I have a little life and blame my dp

[Notthinkingclearly]

Not sure why I am writing this but feel so lonely and fed up at the moment. Dp is away alot for work. He occasionally makes out that he would rather he didn't but in reality I know he loves it. He is usually away a week at a time and always stays in nice hotels with saunas, swimming pools and his day has usually finished by 5:30. I can tell by the way he packs all his clothes, swimming shorts etc that he is looking forward to being away from the mad house. This in turb means that my days are so much longer looking after 2 young children and by the end of the week I am so tired. I work 12 hours a week but never seem to have enough hours in the week. I get woken up at least once a night and without help I feel so tired. When decided to start a family he wasn't travelling for his job so this isn't really what I planned our life would be like. Alot of my friends tell me how much their husband do in the evenings and how they go out but it just never happens. My dp's mother is in hospital 150 miles away so every every weekend he goes upto see her which I don't resent but it means that I am on my own alot. How do other people cope? Sorry for the moan. Last night getting a text to say he was in the bar overlooking the sea was just too much, while I was faced with a pile of washing up and loads of other jobs to do!

Why not get a full time job with lots of time away? Then your other half will have to arrange childcare as much as you will. It really does work for those of us in equal marriage.

BL - I think you would be eligible for a share of his state pension (the earning related part) if you were married...even if he died before pension age.

Ah right, thank you ihate

I hate it when my dh has to travel for work. I have to leave work early/work from home/take time off to be able to do both pick up and drop off and keep up with the demands of my job including working late or on weekends. But my situation is waaaaayyy much better than yours OP. As many working parents we have to be flexible to take calls/reply emails etc late at night/early in the morning/on weekends. Under normal circumstance my DH does more of the childcare and he sorts out the cleaner and babysitter for the occasional date night. He had a very frank conversation with his manager regarding having to leave the office at a fixed time when he is not travelling. If there is a work emergency when he is about to leave he says "i will look into it when DC are in bed, in x hours". sometimes he has to remind ppl at work that as they are not neurosurgeons nobody is going to die because of this. Once or twice someone tried to tell him "why don't you stay a couple of hours to finish this, just tell your dw to do the pick up", he just said "no" and left. When there is an actual emergency, as in DC getting sick, he says "i am out of office, reach out to my colleague Y". And when I have to stay late to work or go to an event he doesn't make a fuss about it. And i go to the gym a few time per week.

So what i am trying to say is that he sees travelling for work as something he has to make up for, not something i have to "cope" with. My works is as important as his and it is not to be his personal assistant/nanny/housekeeper. and that other wifes cope with this is probably not true, unverifiable, and irrelevant.

As someone already mention it is worth to check if a local gym has a creche to get some "me" time, but that is treating the symptom, not the illness op. Woman up and stop enabling him.

I used to travel away with work for 3-4 nights once per month. I loved it!!!!

It's easy peasy, no chores, no-one else's moods to put up with, eat out - what is not to like.

So YANBU he is having an easy time of it because you are there enabling it all to happen.

As his mother's dementia is only going to get worse is there any way of moving her closer (obvs unless she is closer to other more available family?)

My DH was away a hell of a lot. I felt it was my role to keep things ok at home. But I wasn't very happy.

I should have got in a cleaner, got in babysitter/s, found a hobby which involved me being out of the house. And made sure I went out when he was home so that he could see to the DCs on his own, which he never did.

I was a mug.

But for the DC's sake I should have made myself a happier life then I'd have been a happier mum.

I put up with this with xh for a few years. I also "coped", without any family help. But it was bloody lonely and miserable. He used to return on Friday nights, take endless calls and either sleep or work all weekend. I was allowed out for a run once the dcs were in bed but he gave me no other time to myself. As someone who needs space and peace to recharge, I found this almost physically unbearable.

Fast forward a few years - We're now divorced. He still has his jet setting job and pays generous maintenance each month plus has the dcs 6 nights a month. His new wife is now left at home with more young dcs.

I work in a job I enjoy, have a new Dp and a new circle of friends.
Happy days.

Love travelling with work -nice hotels, great dinners out, all paid for. Even if you are working late (and I often did) it is still quite relaxing to get in at midnight, do an hours work sitting in a cushy hotel bed, meet the team downstairs for breakfast at 7 before heading into the office. Your DP is absolutely not sparing a second's thought about how your life works, he is far too wrapped up in his own life which is going quite well, partly because it doesn't seem to bother him if you are happy or not. I'd be issuing some serious ultimatums probably starting with vanishing for the weekend, hiring help, no more triathlons (really?? If he gets to spend so much time in hotel gyms that's his fitness time. when's yours?). Yes, his mum is sick but you are his partner and you and his children should be on average more important while it sounds like the opposite. You should really be posting in relationships as that is the problem.

Reading my post back it conveniently glosses over the years where I desperately tried to make it all work. I just gradually came to the realisation that he was just never ever going to see my needs as important. There was a lightbulb moment one day where he was just entitled and horrid and I couldn't take another day of it.

And life is too short to live like that long term. It is utterly soul destroying.

RandomMess

When DH first started working away I lashed out and would accuse him of having an amazing time in hotels while I was stuck at home.

He reminded me that he's never really enjoyed eating out, so that's not really a plus for him (it def would be for me!) and of course he misses out on pretty much everything with the kids. He'd much rather be in bed with me cuddling than on his own in a Travel lodge (we cuddle every night we're together without fail )

I know he loves some aspects of his job - but he's been in a job he hated before and that was far worse for the both of us, despite him being home at 5 everyday.

I'm a SAHM and it's fucking hard at times but I could never do what he does. I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and spend a lot of time sat on my arse, whereas he's in a very manual job.

I've gone through phases of crying about his work and really hating it, but the truth is we live in a crappy little down and he'd never find another job that pays someone with (as yet) no qualifications £10-14 an hour. His boss is a knob though. I

It's definitely the OP'd husband's attitude that needs to change, not necessarily his job.

You need a plan and the first thing to decide is whether you can bear to stay with this pisstaker.

You are very vulnerable financially due to not being married.

I think the prob is blaming your DP. Because, as is often said on Mn, you can't change another person you can only change yourself.

So the answer is either LTB or change yourself, probably it is easier to start with changing yourself/ your life. And if doing that doesn't result in a happier situation for you, LTB!

I think she can give him an ultimatum. I don't think it is fair to say the problem is that she's blaming her DP.