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Original poster

To think I have a little life and blame my dp

139 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 17/11/2015 11:48

Not sure why I am writing this but feel so lonely and fed up at the moment. Dp is away alot for work. He occasionally makes out that he would rather he didn't but in reality I know he loves it. He is usually away a week at a time and always stays in nice hotels with saunas, swimming pools and his day has usually finished by 5:30. I can tell by the way he packs all his clothes, swimming shorts etc that he is looking forward to being away from the mad house. This in turb means that my days are so much longer looking after 2 young children and by the end of the week I am so tired. I work 12 hours a week but never seem to have enough hours in the week. I get woken up at least once a night and without help I feel so tired. When decided to start a family he wasn't travelling for his job so this isn't really what I planned our life would be like. Alot of my friends tell me how much their husband do in the evenings and how they go out but it just never happens. My dp's mother is in hospital 150 miles away so every every weekend he goes upto see her which I don't resent but it means that I am on my own alot. How do other people cope? Sorry for the moan. Last night getting a text to say he was in the bar overlooking the sea was just too much, while I was faced with a pile of washing up and loads of other jobs to do!

OP posts:
DowntonDiva · 17/11/2015 15:25

Thats terribly unkind of your dp to suggest other wives cope well without their partners, manipulative reading it in black and white. I can only imagine it must have took some bravery on your part to tell him how you were feeling.

I spent 5 years working away from home. It was HIDEOUS! I was lonely, over worked and knackered from travelling. However, I would never have sent a message like that, it probably would have read more along the lines of "just ate another shit room service lasagne and miss my own bed".

It seems he see's the household and children as your role and unless you can address this with him your resentment is only going to grow. YANBU, not at all!

sausageeggbacon111 · 17/11/2015 15:47

OP if he is sending you messages about meals and views, unless you have asked him what's it like, seems like a mechanism to push you away. If your partner has a good job which takes him away I will assume he is fairly intelligent. My XH use to wind me up about having to go out with work and clients so most evenings I didn't see him. I left him because he knew exactly what he was doing and pushed me till I told him enough. Turns out it is what he wanted so he could go back to being single again and enjoying the lifestyle. I ended up with almost nothing while he carried on enjoying nights out at the company expense.

So choice 1 is LTB, choice 2 is tell him sort it out or you will LTB and choice 3 is carry on being ground down. Sorry harsh I know but that's how I see it.

Treats · 17/11/2015 16:08

The "other wives cope" line is very revealing. He's made up his mind what "wives" are supposed to do and just expects you to do it. No discussion, no complaints. Never mind what you as a PERSON might want, or how the two of you together as a partnership might function effectively.

But to add insult to injury, you're not even his wife! Is there a story there - is he one of these charmers I often hear about who thinks marriage is just a piece of paper (that gives you the rights to half the marital assets)? Or something you'll get round to one day (when it suits him)?

Tell him that you don't want to be a 'wife' anymore and then see what he says.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

TendonQueen · 17/11/2015 16:09

The definite sign of piss-taking is expecting to spend a weekend day doing a triathlon and being narked that you weren't happy with that. To me that says that he considers all his time as his own, to do exactly as he pleases with, and that spending time with you and the kids, or giving you a break from the kids, comes very low down on that list. I wonder what he'd say if you said 'I'm doing X all day Sunday' and just expected that he would look after the kids? My guess is that this has never happened. Time for the 'come to Jesus' talk as I've seen it called on here. Personally I think he should spend one weekend day with all of you, and one weekend day doing things with the kids by himself so you have a rest. He can go and see his mum with the kids for some, not all, of those weekends.Put it to him
and watch his face drop as he realises his easy life's been rumbled

Dogsmom · 17/11/2015 16:22

The more you say about him OP the more he really does sounds like a twat.

I'd be livid at him pointing out other women who cope, how does he know they cope? They're probably as miserable as you and to compare you unfavourably is a very nasty thing to do.

Also with the triathlon why is he happy to work away then see his Mum and then do a triathlon?

However after saying all that if you enable him to do it then he'll continue but do you really want to force someone to spend time with you?

Sunnyshores · 17/11/2015 16:34

unfortunately with him being a DP you have snookered yourself by giving up a career to have his children. Wish Id realised the price of being 'independent' and so opposed to marriage.

olivesnutsandcheese · 17/11/2015 16:38

On a purely practical level, is there a health club or gym nearby that has a creche? My DH works long hours and is rarely home for the witching hour. He also has to spend a chunk of the weekend taking DSS to see his DM EOW. Consequently I had little time to myself. Joining the health club gave me some proper time to myself and the DC loved the creche as well. You can't put a price on the cost of sanity!

Narp · 17/11/2015 16:40

You are unhappy and you should not have to explain that.

You don't need his permission to get more of a life, but you need his support.

He takes you for granted. You are the default person who is always there, always thinking, and planning, and that is very wearing.

Lostcat2 · 17/11/2015 16:43

What a selfish cunt he sounds op.

Myfavouritebookis · 17/11/2015 17:01

I am in a similar position as DH regularly travels abroad. What really bothers me is that I cannot find a job that fits with school hours. As my DH's travel is so random - some weeks he's here, some weeks he's away, some weeks he's away for one or two days - it is impossible to set up a system where I can work some days and he can take the kids to/from school. A couple of days ago when I was again pointing out how difficult it is for me to find a job and then how tough it would be for me to work AND be responsible for all housework, homework supervision etc he told me that 'other wives manage it', meaning the wives of his similarly globetrotting colleagues. I was really angry and asked if those wives have family living nearby to help out (we don't), how old their children are, whether they have easy access to childcare, whether they had gone back to jobs they had before having children etc. DH subsided into silence. It's unfair to hold up other people's wives as an example as it's impossible to know what their curcumstances really are.

ihatevirginmobile · 17/11/2015 17:10

I understand the lone parent aspect and having to work but actually the resentment of being in an unequal relationship is exhausting.
When DP was working long hours I just got on with it - didn't really mind, it just had to be done.

When he started being around more and doing nothing I objected to doing everything -it made me rage inside - which is actually tiring. Vacuuming is boring - asking someone to lift their feet so you can vacuum underneath is soul destroying...especially if you have just been sorting out their car insurance for them.

Actually read Wifework ..I related to that so much.
Just thought of something relevant to this.
I vaguely know a woman who always seemed miserable, was short tempered with her DCs etc...hard work to be around.
Hadn't seen her for a while but heard she had split up with her partner. I vaguely know him too - he seems really cool, laid back, always friendly and cheerful. I thought not surprised - don't know how he put up with her Blush. Actually he does work away sometimes too. Anyway when I bumped into her again, she seemed like a different person...years younger and much much happier. She had her DCs with her and she was more patient with them. She had got a full time job and when I spoke to her she was heading off for 2 days away at a training course. It really made me think -and realise how unhappy I was and do something about it...
Later found out she was the one who had left him. They do seem to get on still - seem to do a good job of sharing childcare - I see the DCs with both of them (they do both have family around too so I guess that helps)
I remember seeing her from a distance when DD2 was about 3 - her DCs must have been with their dad and she was playing a sport with a group of her friends and I felt really jealous...

Want2bSupermum · 17/11/2015 17:10

So I have a DH who is away a lot. I work 40-45 hours a week which is an 80% schedule. It is tough but I buy in services and have a DH who can't wait to get back home. When DH is home he is with the kids. I do mornings and he does evenings. We have a babysitter from 3:30-6pm as DH isn't the most organized in the evening.

OP - He is taking the piss. You are actually in a vulnerable position because you are not married. I am not sure what work you do but if you worked 40 hours a week would you be able to afford an au pair?

Also he needs to find his balls. Where in the world can he be travelling to that he must leave Sunday night and return Friday? DH tries his best to limit the length of trips and last week had a major argument with someone more senior than him who booked a meeting for him to attend on a Monday at 8am. As DH said, its a sales meeting where all your sales people live abroad. None of them could make it there for 8am on a Monday without forgoing spending time with their families over the weekend. DH was the only one who spoke up but now others are speaking too. Said meeting is now being held Monday afternoon through Wednesday lunchtime. Could your DP leave early monday morning and return Thursday PM, working from home on Friday? That is what most consultants do in my workplace.

Seriously though, look at going back to work FT and earning your own money. If this continues your relationship won't last. Whatever you do, don't stop working those 12 hours.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 17/11/2015 17:11

Sympathies Myfavouritebookis - my DH doesn't really appreciate how disruptive his globe trotting can be to working and family life even though it is more occasional than for some on the thread including OP

MissBattleaxe · 17/11/2015 17:23

Poor you OP. He still has that single guy mentality with that pesky wife who's on his case. He needs to fucking grow up. With kids you get out what you put in and he does not know the joy of the moments you can have with them. By the time he opens his eyes he'll be some distant figure to them and they won't have a proper bond with him.

The only way to sort this out is short sharp shock and role play. Make him "be you" for a week, even if you have to invent a sick friend you have to stay with or something. Then after the week is over, have The Talk.

He changes or you ditch him and he will be paying full CSA for two children. He's a selfish twat who is treating you like a housekeeper and a nanny.

PhoenixReisling · 17/11/2015 17:33

OP the more you write the more selfish he sounds...it also reads that as he spends so much time alone he really as forgotten to think about your needs.

Him countering by saying 'but the other wives cope' proves that he is trying to make you feel bad that you find it hard....Angry.

PhoenixReisling · 17/11/2015 17:35

Well put battleaxe

he is indeed treating you like an unpaid nanny and housekeeper. However, the diffence is they would be entitled to holidays, breaks and time off if you are ill, of which you get none.

PhoenixReisling · 17/11/2015 17:36

they are ill

Lostcat2 · 17/11/2015 17:38

It's tricky isn't it?

My dh has always worked away but when he's home he's ours totally.

Sometimes it's me who wants up go out and party with him while he just wants to stay in and be with the kids. Grin

It's not the working away that's the problem here it's the dhs mindset.

He should plunge into family life at the weekends and holidays.

Not fair on you or the kids op.

Lostcat2 · 17/11/2015 17:39

but the other wives cope

You know what op contact them and see.

MissBattleaxe · 17/11/2015 17:42

Oh and I bet the others wives aren't as happy as he reckons they are. It's probably that the other guys don't describe the rows they have with their wives and make out all is well.

I actually find it really misogynist that he says "the other wives are happy", like its the 70s or something. He's basically telling you to like it and conform without a moment's empathy.

Duckdeamon · 17/11/2015 17:46

You are not married so are in an extremely vulnerable position financially, and should look to address that asap by researching/seeking legal advice on strengthening your position in case you or he decides to end the relationship. If he is unwilling to, for example, sign contracts to protect you financially then it's further evidence that he doesn't have your interests at heart.

Cloppysow · 17/11/2015 17:48

The whole "other wives manage" is very telling. Rather than address your unhappiness and what he could do to help, he's blaming you. My ex used to do this. It made me question me rather than his unreasonable behaviour.

He's got it all. A family there when he needs it and a single life when he fancies.

I'm a single mum, have been for 12 years. I'd rather be alone and working my arse off than with a selfish prick and working my arse off.

ssd · 17/11/2015 17:55

its such a shame there's no chance of a bit of role reversal for a lot of you here, you go off to a full time job mon-fri abroad in a hotel with a pool, whilst the dh's manage cooking, shopping, childcare, cleaning, diy, paperwork etc etc.....

wonder how long some of these deluded men would last!

Salmiak · 17/11/2015 17:56

You sound exhausted and burnt out. Is there any way you can afford to get more help in the house, getting a cleaner, mothers help or an au pair?

How involved is he in family life when he is at home?

Saying that the other wives/girlfriends cope is a ridiculous argument - it's not about them, it's about how burn out YOU are, and what he can do to ease the burden off you.

rookiemere · 17/11/2015 18:01

I think the issue is not so much that he works away. I think it's his lack of respect and thanks for you for holding the fort together "view of the sea" ffs coupled with not engaging fully in home life when he is, you know, actually at home.
Doing a triathalon on the Sunday after seeing his DM on the Saturday is not fair and is not in the least respectful of you OP.
Can you afford to buy in a bit of help and a bit more childcare? At the very least this jet setting lifestyle should be able to cover a babysitter a couple of evenings a week so you could go to a class or go out for a bit.

Oh and the other wives may be happy. They may have constructed lives for themselves that only involve their DH on the periphery, or they may have a lot of family help. You're not them and your DH should listen to the woman he chose to marry and have DCs with.