Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have a little life and blame my dp

139 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 17/11/2015 11:48

Not sure why I am writing this but feel so lonely and fed up at the moment. Dp is away alot for work. He occasionally makes out that he would rather he didn't but in reality I know he loves it. He is usually away a week at a time and always stays in nice hotels with saunas, swimming pools and his day has usually finished by 5:30. I can tell by the way he packs all his clothes, swimming shorts etc that he is looking forward to being away from the mad house. This in turb means that my days are so much longer looking after 2 young children and by the end of the week I am so tired. I work 12 hours a week but never seem to have enough hours in the week. I get woken up at least once a night and without help I feel so tired. When decided to start a family he wasn't travelling for his job so this isn't really what I planned our life would be like. Alot of my friends tell me how much their husband do in the evenings and how they go out but it just never happens. My dp's mother is in hospital 150 miles away so every every weekend he goes upto see her which I don't resent but it means that I am on my own alot. How do other people cope? Sorry for the moan. Last night getting a text to say he was in the bar overlooking the sea was just too much, while I was faced with a pile of washing up and loads of other jobs to do!

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 17/11/2015 18:04

your DH should listen to the woman he chose to marry and have DCs with

I agree, but unfortunately they're not married.

Namechangenell · 17/11/2015 18:12

Just caught up on this. Your parents are ill too? And yet he gets to fuck off and visit his sick mother at the weekend, whilst you hold the fort? And take care of the children? When do you get to see your parents?

OP - please, stand up to this idiot. He has it absolutely made. Or tell him you'd like to split and go for 50/50 custody. A friend did this, and she is like a new woman. Her ex, on the other hand, is still getting over the shock of what being a parent actually entails!

Don't enable your DP anymore!

LaCerbiatta · 17/11/2015 18:14

Get a full time job, invest in your career, one where you need to travel a lot preferably. Then you won't have this situation, then you'll have to share the being at home and looking after the dc.

Many women choose this, they chose to give up their careers, to be at home. It's hardly surprising that men see them as the "wives", is it?

Sunnyshores · 17/11/2015 18:18

unfortunately "full CSA support" when you're unmarried doesnt pay for much. There is very little you can do apart from make sure the house is in both your names and any bills are in his name.

Want2bSupermum · 17/11/2015 18:22

Oh and the comment about the other wives coping. I had that one. I told DH that yeah they cope, you could say I am coping but I am not happy.

I then spoke to the other wives and it was shocking just how much help they have. The wife of DH's boss had her parents move to the US, 3000 miles from Denmark, to help her cope with their 3 young DC while her DH was travelling. The wives of other sales office managers are either now divorced or putting up with their 'D'H continuing to travel and having relationships outside of their marriage. The wives are trapped because often they are abroad and would be left with nothing if they left.

So yeah I told DH that unless he wanted a bitter ex with shared custody he needed to check his attitude at the door.

Whattheuh · 17/11/2015 18:23

How old are the children?

BeautifulLiar · 17/11/2015 18:25

But you can't force someone to have 50/50 custody?! If me and DH split up he'd see the DC as and when he's home (not that I agree with this) but he wouldn't leave his job Confused

LittleBearPad · 17/11/2015 18:29

Oh and the comment about the other wives coping. I had that one. I told DH that yeah they cope, you could say I am coping but I am not happy.

This.

I spent six months overseas with a one year old for DH's job. He was on secondment and worked horrific hours throughout the entire time we were there. I have never been so lonely. If his weekends had been affected by work and I hadn't seen him then I would have got on a plane with DC and left him over there to finish his placement.

I coped but I wasn't happy - at all. I may have told him Wink a few times.

BeautifulLiar · 17/11/2015 18:32

Can everyone just clarify why it matters so much that OP isn't married? Genuinely curious, as I'm in a v similar situation, except we got married last year...

Sunnyshores · 17/11/2015 18:40

in a very rough sense being married entitles you and the children to 50% of your husbands wealth, probably the family home until children are 18 and probably an income for the wife if she gave up a career or helped him in his.

In a very rough sense being unmarried entitles you to F**k All.

Want2bSupermum · 17/11/2015 18:40

BL When you are not married the DH, as the wage earner, isn't required to pay support to the mother of the DC. Also, the lower wage earner, normally the mother, isn't entitled to 50% of the pension or any other major assets held by the higher income earner.

Now you are married you are entitled to support in the event of a divorce.

LittleBearPad · 17/11/2015 18:41

It makes a big difference to the OP's right to financial support (not child support) in the event of a separation. Also affects inheritance tax, next of kin etc.

Sunnyshores · 17/11/2015 18:43

and I add bitterly this is the case if youve lived with for 22 minutes or 22 years!

Want2bSupermum · 17/11/2015 18:45

Also, try being in Japan and wanting a divorce as a Western woman! The couple didn't qualify for their divorce to be heard in Denmark so got divorced in Japan at huge expense plus she got shafted. She is now living in Denmark in a 2 bedroom flat and struggles to make ends meet.

One of my stipulations is that we do not relocate to locations with wonky legal structures. Here in North America and Europe you know your settlement will be fair. Elsewhere in the world, not so sure....

MrsLupo · 17/11/2015 18:51

Notthinking, apologies if I'm well wide of the mark, but do you think he could be seeing someone else? It was my first thought when I read your OP and tbh I'm astonished no one else has suggested it. Works away and looks forward to it while insisting he doesn't, then spends every other weekend away too?

Your update only made me think it more. The only reason I can think of why he would text something mean and twattish like 'I'm in a bar overlooking the sea' (apart from being a mean twat, of course) is because it feels like a plausible enough lie when what he's really doing is something worse. And then it turns out his mum has dementia and probably isn't in a position to verify whether/when he came to visit or not. Oh and he's concentrating on getting fit in what little spare time's left over after all that.

Hmm

Sorry, OP, but my antennae would be well and truly flapping. Apologies for any offence if I'm wrong. Either way, I really feel for you.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/11/2015 18:58

All the posts I think are assuming you have several very young children.
Op hasn't said though.
You're not going to tell us now you have one teenage dc are you op?

MissBattleaxe · 17/11/2015 18:59

Yes, the OP has said she has two young children. It's in the original post.

MitzyLeFrouf · 17/11/2015 18:59

She says 'two young children' in the OP.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/11/2015 18:59

Immense apologies, I've just re read. So sorry, ignore me.
He's an arse.

Narp · 17/11/2015 18:59

arethere

She says '2 young children' in the OP.

Narp · 17/11/2015 19:00

X post

Narp · 17/11/2015 19:01

... and actually, having two teens and being lonely, unassisted and frustrated would be bad too

MissBattleaxe · 17/11/2015 19:06

Op, when are you seeing him next? Is any of this advice helping you form a plan? Whatever the case, I hope you feel supported by the number of us who agree that he's being a selfish git to you.

lorelei9 · 17/11/2015 19:23

OP, your title talks about a "little life"

what was different before you had children? Is DP spending any time with the children? You need to leave him in charge of them while you get your social life and hobbies back.

BeautifulLiar · 17/11/2015 19:52

My husband doesn't have a pension or a mortgage so does being married still make a difference financially?