To think I have a little life and blame my dp

[Notthinkingclearly]

Not sure why I am writing this but feel so lonely and fed up at the moment. Dp is away alot for work. He occasionally makes out that he would rather he didn't but in reality I know he loves it. He is usually away a week at a time and always stays in nice hotels with saunas, swimming pools and his day has usually finished by 5:30. I can tell by the way he packs all his clothes, swimming shorts etc that he is looking forward to being away from the mad house. This in turb means that my days are so much longer looking after 2 young children and by the end of the week I am so tired. I work 12 hours a week but never seem to have enough hours in the week. I get woken up at least once a night and without help I feel so tired. When decided to start a family he wasn't travelling for his job so this isn't really what I planned our life would be like. Alot of my friends tell me how much their husband do in the evenings and how they go out but it just never happens. My dp's mother is in hospital 150 miles away so every every weekend he goes upto see her which I don't resent but it means that I am on my own alot. How do other people cope? Sorry for the moan. Last night getting a text to say he was in the bar overlooking the sea was just too much, while I was faced with a pile of washing up and loads of other jobs to do!

I see a PP has suggested increasing the hours you work outside the home. I think another idea could be decreasing them, or quit entirely! Sounds like you've got your work cut out looking after the DC and supporting your DH's role? How do you feel about your own work?

at Shit town.

for op.
I'd be majorly pissed off too, this isn't what you signed up for, you definitely need to tell him you're not happy and he needs to try and work around it. There's no way on earth I'd do it, I also have 2 young kids (toddler and baby) and wouldn't stand for dh going away a lot, he does the odd night if he's got a meeting a long way away.

It seems out of order too that he likes being away from you and the kids, that's not right.

I'm NOT saying get divorced but I had a useless ex. Buggered off every weekend, made work for me, generally shite. But we when we got divorced I had every other weekend off. 2 whole consecutive nights of sleep. Two days for me. It was awesome to be honest.

You might want to point out that as things stand that option looks pretty good!!

How old are your DC? Suddenly since September, I have managed to get on top of the housework, ironing and decorating and am starting to have a lovely house. I may even have time for a few hobbies soon. All because the youngest DC started school. But DH does take part in family life and hates being away which helps (not much when you're in the kitchen washing up for the sixth time that day admittedly). He also works 14hours a day to condense his workload so as to take the occasional week off (self employed).

Juggling - it's up to the OP of course, but if she's feeling lonely then stopping work is only going to make things worse. And the issue is that her DP is taking advantage of her - something else which would only get worse if she gave up more of her own time to support him.

And - crucially - he's a DP, not a DH. She would be mad to give up her own financial independence for his sake if they're not married.

Like I said, OP, it's up to you. But I really think that Juggling is offering you bad advice.

OP, I was you 15 years ago. I had three under 5, no family close by and I never saw my DP from one week to the next.

I made him perfectly aware of my resentment, culminating in a huge row where I told him he brought nothing but money to our relationship and I had nothing to lose by kicking him into touch, taking his money and finding a new guy to actually spend time with me.

(Massive bluff on my behalf because, in reality, I cannot think of any circumstances under which I'd ditch DP).

Anyway, it was a bit of a wake up call to him, and a few months later he ditched the fantastic job with the big salary and set up on his own, with me as his trusty sidekick. We did it with the expectation that we would be considerably poorer, but have a better work/life balance.

In reality we are financially much better off than we ever imagined we would be, work from home and still have time for the school run and a leisurely hour in bed lunch.

Only raised it as an option Treats
Think the crucial thing is to look at all options
If things aren't working something needs to change!

Fair enough Juggling. I think it would really only be an option if they've had a very serious talk as a couple, and had made a proper commitment to working together as a partnership in a way that worked for both of them. And it doesn't sound like they're at that stage yet.

I have to agree with Treats, OP, please don't even consider giving up your job.

You need to sit down and talk to him to work out how you can have time to yourself too.

I'm in a similar position, my dh applied for and accepted a job which involved travel when our youngest was a baby despite me saying it wouldn't work for me. Four years later he's travelling more and more and I really resent him for it. I hate the way anything house or family related is always down to me, the way he swans in and out the house when he wants and especially the way I'm always expected to look after the dc. Feels like I'm not allowed a life.

Don't let it get that far, have a good talk with him, if he values you he will understand.

If he can't get put of being away so much he needs to provide a nanny and a cleaner to help and I'm generally not one to suggest hired help as a solution

• out of being away

Tinkly that sounds bloody fantastic

YANBU

It's not fair, and you are not enjoying your children because of your daily life. That's not good, you will regret it later, but you have too much on your shoulders right now.

You must discuss with your husband, and be careful. If he wasn't traveling anymore, it might no mean he would be more available:
when my husband is around during the week, he leaves before the kids get up, and comes back after they are in bed, when I am ready to go to bed myself! I have absolutely no help - it's completely fine for us, but some would find it hard.

When he is away for a couple of weeks, my workload is actually easier. I don't have to take care of his laundry, cook his diner, clear up and once the kids are in bed, I can chill in front of the TV.

In my case, it works very well, I just wanted to warn you: just because your hubby is working locally doesn't mean you get more help.

Shakey yes we are very fortunate and we took a risk that may have gone very badly.

But if Not's DH has skills that are such that his company sends him all over the world to represent them, then he shouldn't have much difficulty in finding a different, more family friendly role. Gadding about with your job is often a young person's game; I think a lot of people jack it in when they have a family.

My DH periodically travels with work and our DD is four. Although yes he gets uninterrupted sleep and is wined and dined, he says it can be quite boring and lonely.

It is tough, when you do EVERYTHING and something needs to give. He needs a reality check and needs to know that this is not working for you.

As others have suggested you could book a weekend away. Or because I am a child I would book a weeks holiday somewhere.....just so he could really know what it's like when the tables are turned. I would also whilst away, take regular photos and post updates

Crikey, I'd have texted him back "are you taking the piss?" And I would definitely tell him exactly how you feel and how you need things to change. If he's half decent he'll understand and do something about it.

This is a huge issue in our relationship, DP works in an industry where there is a lot of opportunity to travel and its expected, I however didn't have children to raise them by myself while he's swanning off around the world in fancy hotels and restaurants.
I've said firmly that I won't be in a relationship with someone who needs to travel for work and so far he's held them back with their travel demands, unfortunately even if he moves jobs it will still be the same, I'm not sure what will happen when they give him an ultimatum.
I get so pissed off that the people he works for casually suggest he jumps on a plane to America/Barcelona/Mauritius/Istanbul etc, they know he has a young family to consider.

I don't want a nanny or a cleaner helping me everyday, I want the man that I want to spend my life with, then that I had children with!

It's a tricky situation where there are no winners.

Make him take time off work, then book for you to go away by yourself while he is off to look after the kids... then come back and see how he feels about always being away!

I agree with posters who say it is time for a serious talk and you are being treated unfairly. Why is he going to see his dm every weekend when he is away so much? If he is an only child, this could be a problem, but if he has siblings he should be demanding that they take a turn. Some siblings are only too pleased to leave one person to do all the work and he shouldn't be enabling them. You should point out that you and his children should come first and he should be limiting the weekends he goes to see his dm. You need to have this conversation. It is totally unfair to you and the children.

Thank you all so much. I am quite shocked as reading it back I thought I might sound like a spoilt cow. I now realise that I am not bring unreasonable. I just feel that I am not recognisable as the person I used to be. I love being a mum and know I am incredibly lucky to have to wonderful children but doing so much single handily has made lose my sense of humour and confidence. I am luckily that my parents are local and are very happy to help but my dad has cancer and I hate having to ask favours just because dp is not around. I have tried to tell my dp how unhappy I am but he is always quick to point out other wives who seem to cope well without their partners making me feel silly to find it hard. I just know I am going to look back at this time and realise my permanent exhaustion and at times grumpyness is going to make me feel sad.

If his mum is in hospital does he stay at her home? He can take the children with him next time then.

I have tried to tell my dp how unhappy I am but he is always quick to point out other wives who seem to cope well without their partners making me feel silly to find it hard

Then he is a piss taking arse and it's time to have a think about what exactly he brings to the table, apart from money (assuming he does?).

Another with a warning...don't let him get away with keeping a single person mentality...
My DP didn't work away but had his own restaurant and worked 9am to midnight, 6 days a week, 52 weeks a year. I have worked those kind of hours in the past and I know how hard it is -so I had lots of sympathy.
I worked full time but not as long hours although I did need to bring work home sometimes. I did all the outside nursery hours childcare, all the household stuff (cleaning, washing, gardening, maintenance, DIY), all the household admin, DC's dentist, hospital, drs appts etc, acted as DP's PA and I did his accounts for him). No family around. I did that from DC1 being 9months for 5 years. I knew I was only just coping anyway - so gave up working to have DC2...
Two years later DP sold up so he was around all day. It should have made my life easier but it didn't - it was horrendous.
In DP's head the children were my responsibility - in fact everything was still my responsibility - DP went off to the gym, watched football in the pub etc and he made more mess just being there and it rankled.
In his head he was having a rest after working so hard for so many years - and his mentality hadn't changed into being a parent - he was just thinking about himself.
I remember more than once he disappeared for the afternoon and I ended up waking up DC2 to take on the school run to pick up DC1 in the pouring rain ... not a problem if it was necessary but I knew there were two non working adults in the household.
Anyway the resentment grew, he got an 'easy' job ... he slept in in the mornings and got back just after DCs bedtime - or just before and got them all excited. Then he turned down another job that would have fitted in with school hours and chose one that suited him - not being around in the mornings or bedtime.
Finally we got to the point where the penny dropped for me - my life would be a hell of a lot easier if he wasn't there...and I realised that all those years he had been working the long hours I had been getting up before him and going to bed after him ...
We came very close to splitting up - we didn't but things are still rocky. I am slowly changing his mentality.
But also I need to work on mine - he gets upset that I forget to tell him about things at the school etc - says he feels excluded (although he often doesn't want to go anyway....which is the same mentality really - he has the choice - I don't feel I do)

(When he first stopped working I got the DCs an impulse 'chippy tea' on the way back from a shopping trip ...and didn't get him anything - just didn't think about him - so used to it just being the DCs and I -and yes he was upset.)

He has a different job now and is around in the evenings - but DCs are old enough to get themselves to bed now...

His mum has dementia and is quite poorly. I have never complained about him seeing his mum but he doesn't seem to realise that being away too has such a big impact. Last weekend he was very put out as I put my foot down and said I didn't want him to compete in a local triathlon on sunday as he was at his mums on Saturday.He is becoming quite fit as he has lots of free time to exercise. I on the other hand i feel so knackered and I have no energy to do any exercise apart from walks with the kids!