To think I have a little life and blame my dp

[Notthinkingclearly]

Not sure why I am writing this but feel so lonely and fed up at the moment. Dp is away alot for work. He occasionally makes out that he would rather he didn't but in reality I know he loves it. He is usually away a week at a time and always stays in nice hotels with saunas, swimming pools and his day has usually finished by 5:30. I can tell by the way he packs all his clothes, swimming shorts etc that he is looking forward to being away from the mad house. This in turb means that my days are so much longer looking after 2 young children and by the end of the week I am so tired. I work 12 hours a week but never seem to have enough hours in the week. I get woken up at least once a night and without help I feel so tired. When decided to start a family he wasn't travelling for his job so this isn't really what I planned our life would be like. Alot of my friends tell me how much their husband do in the evenings and how they go out but it just never happens. My dp's mother is in hospital 150 miles away so every every weekend he goes upto see her which I don't resent but it means that I am on my own alot. How do other people cope? Sorry for the moan. Last night getting a text to say he was in the bar overlooking the sea was just too much, while I was faced with a pile of washing up and loads of other jobs to do!

I agree he needs to support you more, either physically at weekends or by providing outside support (or both) but I would also say, this time will pass.

It sounds like he has a good job and an opportunity to progress and is a trusted employee.

When my dcs were tiny, dh was working abroad most weeks. I was you at home alone, which at times was exhausting and dull, and as you say you never get a day off, or a lunchbreak even! But now my dcs are a bit older, I am the one travelling abroad for work trips whilst he is mostly UK based.

Looking back I took the back seat to allow him to provide for us and progress his career, we could do that as I was home full time. Now he is UK-based and I am taking the trips and he is the one getting them out the door with homework/kit/instruments etc and checking the evening homework whilst I skype from a foreign land. We are a bit like weather vanes when it comes to our jobs, we can't both be out front at once, one has to stay back. Now it's my turn to catch up. He will be looking to change his job in 2016, so at that point if he needs to put the hours in as the new boy, I have enough good will in my company to delegate my travel to others and take a step back, or at least stop pushing forward.

Whilst your dcs are tiny, this is his time and you need to agree with him that your time will also come, to keep the balance in your relationship. It's a team effort and only one person can be scoring goals at any given time, someone else needs to line up the balls until it's their turn to get a kick at goal. Play the long game.. Sorry for rubbish football analogy!

Other people don't "cope". They get divorced.... eventually.

For context - how many business trips has he had since the beginning of September for example?

OP I really feel for you

This was exactly me, still is really but now my children are older its easier and I have more of a life myself - none less tedious and unfair though and definitely not the life I chose.

When I dwell on it I feel useless, pathetic and like Ive wasted my life and dreams, I can get over those feelings as I know Ive raised 2 beautiful children and have made a lovely home. BUT what I cant get over is the bitterness and resentfulness I feel towards DP. I told him I was struggling, told him the children needed him and still he didnt bother and never really understood (I should feel lucky, his job is well paid, he is working really hard, long hours, would give up if he could etc etc).

Anyway, youre not at that stage, but you need to act now. Explain how you feel and hopefully he will take notice and change his working patterns. In the meantime you also need to explore ways to regain something of yourself or just some time to do nothing.

Sorry to hear about the ill people in your family OP.

I can see why he goes to see his unwell Mum (and respect him for wanting to) but in general, things can't continue like this. You're too stressed.

Tell Mr BigShotCareerMan that he can hire a cleaner for you, pronto. And an ironing person. Tell him that you don't give a toss about the "other wives". And tell him that whilst you care about his career, you don't need stealth-boasts about beaches and saunas.

Of course one of the red flags here is that he's a DP and not a DH.

I'd be interested in hearing how finances work, whether you've got your name on the house, access to all money, etc, as you're taking on all of the home life/work to facilitate his career and his dipping in and out of family life when it suits.

I think it's way easier being a LP than doing everything with an unequal partner, the resentment is draining.
I can see why you didn't think you would get a good reception with this problem because your husband has minimised your very valid upset to shut you up.
YANBU.

He's taking the piss and basically wants a week's break in the sunshine and a full night's sleep.

Not sure why he needs to have all this time away form home?

If I were you I would insist on :

A. Getting a cleaner
B. Not working 12 hours a week (unless you love your job)
C. A break for you, as in a weekend away.

'He is becoming quite fit as he has lots of free time to exercise'

Alright for some eh.

DrGoogle

What he said.

Just to echo DrGoogle's post, if this is the tip of the iceberg & there are other inequalities in your relationship such as the family money, then feel free to start another thread in Relationships, it usually more supportive than AIBU. (On AIBU you will get posters' opinions about what's wrong. In Relationships you will get opinions & suggestions on how to deal with it :) )

I feel for you. I have three DC, one with ASF, and am 24 weeks pregnant. DH works away more now than he ever has done before.

BUT he only really stays in Premier Inns, and never boasts about it. I don't think he's ever taken his swimming knickers and he finishes a lot later than 5:30.

I don't know what the answer is. It feels like my social life depends on his work...

Sorry ASD*

Ah - I missed that he's a DP. How old are your kids?

I'm going to be the lone voice of dissent. Yes, the situation sounds tough, but you are also benefiting from your DP working. You say that you work 12 hours per week - could you do this if he wasn't working? As a lone parent, this situation sounds pretty cushy to be honest.

I agree with Dr Google. OP, do you realise how vulnerable you are financially? If you split up you've lost your career and you won't get any compensation for that.

As a lone parent, this situation sounds pretty cushy to be honest

The point being that OP is a lone parent, despite being in a relationship.

As a LP you don't have some bugger calling you to tell you he's about to get into a Jacuzzi after his three course meal!

I used to have a job like your partner's, Not. It was brilliant, I loved it.

I bought in cleaning, laundry and DIY services, as I wasn't home enough to sort my own life out. I had no children.

You could point out to DP that he has this option; what he doesn't have any more is the choice of a home life on tap, provided by your good self at no extra cost.

One idea would be to price up the cost of outsourcing the whole lot - daycare and night nanny included. This opens various alternatives, such as outsourcing enough of it to keep you sane or having him pay you a realistic amount as a salary, or rearranging his priorities so he takes a fair share of the responsibilities for his life & family.

Good luck

I wouldn't cope with my husband working away. I think it is fine for you to stay that this was not what you signed up for, it's not working for you and he needs to look for something that's not got so much any travel.

I too think he is taking the piss if you've voiced your concern and he's just basically ignored you. You're facilitating his fancy career by looking after his children 24/7. He needs to make some compromises too and I'd suggest the first would be looking for another job.

The OP is not a lone parent.

As a LP you don't have some bugger calling you to tell you he's about to get into a Jacuzzi after his three course meal!

No, but you also don't get the financial benefits of that, and the option to work 12 hours a week.

I think your situation is quite common OP, not just with DPs or DH that work away but those that are at home but work long hours too. I also think many men view their time off as 'me time' while any spare minute a women has she uses it as a chance to catch up with chores.

I totally get how you feel resentful about being a lesser person than you were before. I have tried to explain this to my DH and he really doesn't get it. He would love to work part time and spend more time with the kids like I do but when I say ok let's do that all goes quiet

You might also point out to him that he has no idea whether the other women with partners who work away are happy with the situation or not. You can see from this thread how many women have been in the situation you are in and were not happy about it, it doesn't mean they've told everyone they know. My DH's friends and work colleagues would have no idea that I am thinking about divorce.

I'm a single mum with 4 year old dt's (not at school yet) also working! I find the best way to cope with the relentlessness is to write a list of things that need to be done that really matter and not worry about the little things. They are both settled at 6.30pm so I use the evenings to get things done and have time for me, even if it's just a bubble bath or trash TV.

My DH has always worked very long hours and has a quite time consuming hobby.

The years when my children were pre-schoolers were undoubtedly the hardest and I felt resentful at times. However my DH was working all the hours as it is his own business so it wasn't as though he was having a great time either.

However things that have made it easier for me and these are largely dependant upon having £££. I outsource dull stuff so cleaning/ironing/gardening (well dull to me anyway). I book babysitters so I can go out with friends - even if tired do it as you tend to feel better for doing so.

I work part time but on the days I don't then I meet friends for coffee etc so I have a decent social life. However my children are all at school which helps.

If his job is unlikely to change and you can afford it then I would pay for help at home/babysitters etc.

My DH is away at least 3 days a week and to be honest I quite enjoy it - I have a routine as do the children. He is also very appreciative of what I do and knows it is a lot in terms of managing everything especially as we are currently embarking on a lot of building work.

I think you need to talk to him some more. And the weekend when he is at home then carve out some time for yourself.

The "option" to work 12 hours a week is almost certainly for the family's benefit and not the OP's. There probably won't be access to help with childcare costs because of her DP's earnings, so the return on working longer hours seems small for the household. But the opportunity cost of working less time in paid employment for the individual is huge. It's fine when it's balanced out by other renumeration, but in the case of that renumeration being in the form of a DP's or DH's pay check, you are left with little power in the relationship and completely up the creek without a paddle come a separation.