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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To resent MIL for ruining a big family event? (sorry, long post)

172 replies

MGMidget · 16/11/2015 12:03

I am wrestling with my feelings about this. It was my baby daughter's christening yesterday which we also rolled in with a celebration of my birthday since it was a ‘big’ birthday (i.e. turning a decade). It was one of those rare opportunities to get family members together in one place for a joyous occasion. It was also meant to be an opportunity to show my appreciation for the Godparents who are making an important commitment to ‘be there’ for my daughter in the future for which I am very grateful.

I organized the event singlehandedly, battling tiredness to do a lot of it late at night as it’s the only time I could find (I have an older DS too, my DH works long hours so wasn’t in a position to help, and my daughter still wakes up every 2-3 hours in the night).

Everything was going really well and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves at the post-christening buffet lunch in our house. DS even surprised me by opening a bottle of our old wedding champagne – I had no idea we still had any! For a couple of minutes I had one of those dreamy moments where I was thinking I wanted to remember this moment forever!

Then, everything changed. Someone asked me to call an ambulance. My mother-in-law was carried out of the room. Another room was cleared of children and turned into a hospital zone. One of the Godparents is a doctor and my sister-in-law is a nurse so they took over, focusing on reviving her. The doctor send her husband home to get her medical equipment to do some tests. Meanwhile my MIL came round. It seems she had fainted but was fortunately caught before she hit the floor. We were getting more hopeful that this wasn’t too serious. Then she started to vomit, covering herself, the living room and SIL in vomit. And so, it went on, various people running around fetching buckets of water, clean clothes, more calls to emergency services to ascertain if an ambulance should come or not.

Needless to say the atmosphere was ruined and the focus was now on my MIL and what was wrong. People were offering to go home early to get out of the way and leave us to it. Then, more information started to filter out. It seems she wasn’t taking some medicine she had been prescribed by the doctor. The medicine was supposed to calm an inflamed stomach, which it seemed she had developed the week before, and was also supposed to prevent vomiting which would be a symptom of her inflamed stomach condition (it was not food poisoning or a stomach bug). It also seems she had repeatedly insisted on closing a patio door that had been opened to let in fresh air when the room was getting hot and stuffy with all the people standing around, oven heating food etc. Then she had said she ‘needed some air’ and passed out! Knowing all this, now, I can’t help feeling that my MIL brought this on herself and ruined a lovely family event. At the same time I feel guilty for thinking this because she obviously didn’t fall ill intentionally and we were very worried at first.

She’s OK now, just needed a few hours to recover, but that was basically the rest of the event and some time afterwards when we should have been clearing up. DH drove her home afterwards and I’m still clearing up the last of the vomit today (she vomited in more than one part of the house!).

So, having taken stock, I know it wasn’t serious and could have been avoided by simply behaving sensibly and taking prescribed medicine. Am I being unreasonable for resenting her for ruining this event?

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 16/11/2015 14:27

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leelu6 · 16/11/2015 14:33

NotSayingImBatman

Fair enough. The OPs situation is different to yours, however.

She is entitled to feel upset by her MIL, whether anyone else sees it as rational or not (without being told she is 'fucking ridiculous').

MackerelOfFact · 16/11/2015 14:38

It's up to her whether she takes the medication, she's not obliged to just because she was prescribed it.

Maybe it gave her uncontrollable diarrhoea, maybe it made her wobbly on her feet, maybe it made her sleepy or irritable or gave her a rash or affected her vision, and therefore decided that she didn't want to take it on the day of her DGDs Christening.

I doubt she realised she was going to fall on the floor and vom all over your house in front of everyone.

WicksEnd · 16/11/2015 14:40

Back off and leave Batman alone fgs, she's grieving.

MGMidget · 16/11/2015 14:41

Sorry, I realise I wrote DS instead of DH opening a bottle of champagne!

Yes, they did call an ambulance but after doctor stabilising MIL the emergency services didn't send the ambulance. I guess they have to prioritise and there was a doctor present.

I'm annoyed because MIL hasn't taken the medication at all, not that she forgot it in this instance. I know she didn't ruin the event on purpose and I bet she's embarrassed.

Yes I can see I'm being unreasonable and thank you for helping me get my thoughts straight on this. Unfortunately, I feel we have another 'child' to look after sometimes as she doesn't always do what's best for her which has consequences for those who have to pick up the pieces. This time I was annoyed at the impact it had. I can see that its my problem though. Some of you have made some really nice comments which has made me feel better about this.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 16/11/2015 14:48

You really are just looking for a way to bitch about your mil, huh?

Another child to look after - I hope when I'm elderly and need help my ds doesn't feel like that about me. I hope your children don't feel like that about you either.

You just sound awful. Sorry, but I'm not going to lie. Self centered and dismissive of the woman who raised your husband.

NotSayingImBatman · 16/11/2015 14:56

Okay, I've calmed down a bit OP.

My mother in law was a proper matriarch and she adored being the centre of attention. She was dramatic, over the top and, at times, a thorough pain in the arse. But I adored her. She was also kind, funny, generous to a fault and daft as a brush.

Can you not laugh about this? At least a little? I know at the time you want to throttle her but I'm sure she loves her grandchildren, her son and the woman her son chose to spend his life with. Cut her a bit of slack, no one enjoys covering themselves and everyone around them in vomit, she didn't do it on purpose.

Laugh about it. She didn't mean to ruin your party.

laflaca · 16/11/2015 14:59

OP, surely your MIL being ill is much more important than your social event which centred around you. You don't seem to have any empathy or affection for her.

AdmiralData · 16/11/2015 15:03

Op I'm sorry you feel that your MIL ruined your lovely family occasion. I think certain posters have been far too quick to start name-calling. If it's any consolation I can empathise, my alcoholic drug guzzling mother and steroid pumping, coke snorting sister had the most epic fight in the middle of my wedding, and yes they did it on purpose. My BIL drank too much Coca Cola, vomited and so my DH's ENTIRE family left the reception at 9pm (Cheers guys). It has taken me years to get over it. Give it time and you will remember more of the lovely things about the party and less of the bad. I hope your MIL takes a little more responsibility for her health and is feeling better now.

Batman I am truly sorry for your loss.

Preminstreltension · 16/11/2015 15:06

Welcome to family life. It's basically a place where we try to get through normal life and sometimes even organise celebrations and special events while slaloming through health crises, traffic snarl-ups and the fact that someone forgot to bring the white wine....

Honestly, this is what family life is all about. It's not a film. It's about people supporting each other and sometimes having to change plans at the last minute because of something going on that wasn't in the script.

I can't actually count the number of events my children have ruined with their tendency to vomit at inappropriate moments. Luckily their family still love them.

This would be a good moment to count your blessings.

dontcallmelen · 16/11/2015 15:07

Op your last post has got to be one of the nastiest I have read in a long time.
Comparing your mil to having another child, is disrespectful & beyond rude.
PAUL agree with your last post wholeheartedly.

PenelopePitstops · 16/11/2015 15:08

YABU how ridiculous. Reflects more on you that you would think someone would do this. Obviously you've thought about something like this before.

I feel sorry for your MIL.

We had someone do something similar on xmas day, guess what, we supported them, went to hospital and made sure they were OK for the weeks after.

NatalieMc82 · 16/11/2015 15:10

OP, you are not unreasonable to feel upset.
You clearly have at least one young dc, you are sleep deprived and have put a lot of effort into organising an event.
Something has happened and that event has not gone to plan. I would be upset too.
You should be able to feel safe to vent here, thus feeling better and more able to support your DH and MIL.
Ps.. DH saving a bottle of your wedding champagne and bringing it out at your wee one's Christening is lovely. Once your annoyance (and the vomit smell!) has passed I'm sure that will be a lovely memory.

Floisme · 16/11/2015 15:11

...like when FIL stood on my veil at the wedding and I ended up flat on my arse
Oh forget about the op, I want Raptor to come back and tell us more about this Grin

MGMidget · 16/11/2015 15:13

Yes, MIL being ill is clearly important. However, a lot of people who don't see one another very often had the occasion dominated by this. One was my elderly father who I hardly got to speak to because of this. I doubt he'll make it to the next event. He was clearly struggling with this one. He's considerably more ill than MIL who simply needed to take a course of medicine for a week but didn't. As I said, I realise I've been unreasonable in being annoyed with her. I'm sad for other members of the family that things didn't go the way I would have liked though. However, I'm going to focus on the positives of what happened before.

OP posts:
IndridCold · 16/11/2015 15:14

I have been in a similar situation when my DM was ill which spoiled a special family day, and I did feel annoyed with her for a bit even though it totally wasn't her fault.

YANBU to feel upset and sad that a lovely day, that you had worked so hard to put together, ended up so badly. I would say that letting that feeling blossom into resentment can only make things a lot, lot worse in the future.

Put it down to experience, draw a line and move on.

rookiemere · 16/11/2015 15:15

You've taken a bit of a flaming here OP and as you've said your MIL doesn't have form for this, then it is a bit deserved.

But I can empathize with the point of view that this was meant to be your big day for your DD and your birthday and that proved not to be the case.

I still remember vividly at my wedding, my DF walking me down the aisle whilst talking about DMs illnesses. This was 10 years ago and DM is still pretty well apart from stomach complaints that seem to get worse when there is any deviation from normal routine.

She also forgot her medication and I spent my wedding morning driving to the chemists to get it - my parents were apparently so very stressed by the presence of my "horrible" aunt that they seemed to forget that this was meant to be my day and just for once I would have liked to have the consideration of not being stoic old Rookie who sorts everybody out and keeps them right and instead be treated as a bride.

My parents are generally pretty good - just not at big events.

I need to temper that though with the happy memories of MIL who with quite severe dementia, actually was on wonderful form - far better than we could have

The trouble is that family events are stressful and can be over exciting for those who are older and not in the best of health, so unfortunately they do sometimes need nursing through them.

laffymeal · 16/11/2015 15:16

One day you might be a MIL yourself OP. Can you imagine how hurt and baffled you would be by a thread like this in your "honour". You really need to take a good look at yourself if you think you can mitigate the way you feel by blaming your MIL for not taking her meds. Most people forget their meds every now and again and feel awful for the consequences. She didn't think "Guess what, I'll pretend to forget to take these and then all eyes will be on me as I honk up all over myself in a spectacularly undignified fashion of a Sunday lunchtime".

Sorry, but you sound absolutely horrible and I pity your poor MIL and your DH for the pressure you must put on them for everything to be "perfect" and go your way.

MGMidget · 16/11/2015 15:17

PS, sorry, the thread is moving so fast. My response was to laflaca's comment and doesn't make much sense after the subsequent comments!

Yes in response to some of the latest comments, I realise this is part of family life - I should get used to it!

OP posts:
laffymeal · 16/11/2015 15:17

...and for what it's worth at my 50th TWO ambulances were called. One for a broken arm and one for concussion. So give your head a wobble and stop making it all about you.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 16/11/2015 15:20

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MGMidget · 16/11/2015 15:24

Hello, the party wasn't about me. It was primarily a christening but as it fell at the same time as my birthday it inevitably became a celebration of that too. I didn't chose that, others did. We chose the date of the christening to fit in with the Godparents not my birthday!

OP posts:
NanaNina · 16/11/2015 15:28

What whatthefreakin said. Shame on you MGMidget

Aeroflotgirl · 16/11/2015 15:32

YAbVU poor woman. I was expecting tge op to say that MIL was behaving in a very toxic way and was ranting spiking all sorts of toxic bilge. Poor woman was very ill. Hope your not ever taken ill like that op. Have some respect and sympathy.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 16/11/2015 15:36

it inevitably became a celebration

Hmmmmm, I don't doubt it.