To be offended by DH taking a week out from a current business trip and flying to South Africa without telling me?

[HoomanBean]

To give you a bit of history, my DH travels abroad on business 4-5 times a year. He's self employed and still setting up business and we're not that well off, but nor are we struggling.

Now, my DH has decided to go away to Asia for 2 weeks on business. I felt it was not 100% necessary to actually travel but could see his point of view in the need to actually travel there in person. He pays for this by withholding some of the money he's earnt on previous business trips to pay for future trips so although both our wages are paid into the joint account, he doesn't add everything he earns additionally into the join account.

Two days ago, he texted me to say that he's flying to South Africa from Asia to pursue another business opportunity with a friend there. He knew he was going when he booked the ticket 3 weeks before flying but didn't tell me until thd day he was flying. I texted back asking him not to go and that it was a waste of money and to just concentrate on his business in Asia atm but by the time he'd received my message he was already in Johannesburg.

I feel betrayed and deceived by him although I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable. Part of me says he's a grown man and doesn't need to tell me where he's going. He's spending his own money and although it's money that would otherwise be spent on his family, he's entitled to go anywhere in the world without my permission.
The other voice in my head is saying that purposely withheld information from me and that makes me feel as though I can't trust him anymore. I know he would say that I'm always discouraging when he wants to embark on these new opportunities but I have seen him throw money away on countless business trips that came to nothing. He would say that he can't handle my negativity when he's trying something new and maybe it's best not to tell me until he's there.
I feel hurt and upset to think of him flying all the way to South Africa without even telling me. He's got sisters there and I know he was thinking that he'd meet up with them too as he hasn't seen them for a few years.
I'm torn between trying not to take it personally and taking it extremely personally. He hasn't been in touch since yesterday morning and I want to sort my head out before he calls.
What do you all think?

Hooman. Sounds as if you've done some very useful thinking. Good luck when you raise all this with him when he gets home.

Angry and upset is a fair response. Good luck.

I know he'll try to brush it off as unimportant and that he'll try to turn the tables and make it my fault.

Are your feelings unimportant? How does he brush those off? Does he not give a shit how you feel? This is the crux of the matter. He cannot 'argue away' your objection to being lied to.

And if you did confront him and he told you he didn't tell you because you'd have been negative, then what else does he feel justified in lying about? So in his world, lies are ok if they enable him to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

He's a liar and a coward then.

You know when you tell him that you're heartbroken at how he's treated you and your feelings and he tries to argue back etc. you ultimately need to iterate and reiterate that it doesn't matter whether he thinks you are being unreasonable or not you are heartbroken end of

Big hugs

He didn't get in touch for five days . That's rubbish.

You have the right to be angry. Don't let him minimise your feelings

So, you post a one-sided account of a scenario and, as you had hoped, receive feedback and suggestions that conform to your view.

Some unaffected, bitter contributors gleefully seek to split you up from your current husband.

Then, having been pushed down the 'LTB' avenue, you begin to see all of your husband's actions in this light and report back that his subsequent actions confirm you in this view (funnily enough).

He's a lucky fella.

Undoes he normally go days without talking? Doesn't he skype the DC? Don't the sisters want to chat to you and the DC?

Personally I'd be pissed off, and as you're the one keeping the home fires burning whilst he does his thing, you have every right to be.

However, it's done now. As usual. So, do you have a moan, he defends or apologies galore. you suck it up because it's easier? I think you're either a team or not a team. He appears to think he's boss and an international man of mystery.

If you normally manage with all this stuff, what's going on in your life that makes it untenable now? He has form, and you've dealt with it in the past, as you say. Try to talk about you!

DH and I both travel with work (employed). Because we respect each other and have joint responsibilities, we tell each other as soon as we make a commitment when it is and where we will be.

Permission isn't needed (assuming no clashes), but basic courtesy is. Part of this courtesy is not deliberately extending a work trip for a jolly without chatting it over with each other.

I hope he comes around and realises why you are upset over this trip.