To be offended by DH taking a week out from a current business trip and flying to South Africa without telling me?

[HoomanBean]

To give you a bit of history, my DH travels abroad on business 4-5 times a year. He's self employed and still setting up business and we're not that well off, but nor are we struggling.

Now, my DH has decided to go away to Asia for 2 weeks on business. I felt it was not 100% necessary to actually travel but could see his point of view in the need to actually travel there in person. He pays for this by withholding some of the money he's earnt on previous business trips to pay for future trips so although both our wages are paid into the joint account, he doesn't add everything he earns additionally into the join account.

Two days ago, he texted me to say that he's flying to South Africa from Asia to pursue another business opportunity with a friend there. He knew he was going when he booked the ticket 3 weeks before flying but didn't tell me until thd day he was flying. I texted back asking him not to go and that it was a waste of money and to just concentrate on his business in Asia atm but by the time he'd received my message he was already in Johannesburg.

I feel betrayed and deceived by him although I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable. Part of me says he's a grown man and doesn't need to tell me where he's going. He's spending his own money and although it's money that would otherwise be spent on his family, he's entitled to go anywhere in the world without my permission.
The other voice in my head is saying that purposely withheld information from me and that makes me feel as though I can't trust him anymore. I know he would say that I'm always discouraging when he wants to embark on these new opportunities but I have seen him throw money away on countless business trips that came to nothing. He would say that he can't handle my negativity when he's trying something new and maybe it's best not to tell me until he's there.
I feel hurt and upset to think of him flying all the way to South Africa without even telling me. He's got sisters there and I know he was thinking that he'd meet up with them too as he hasn't seen them for a few years.
I'm torn between trying not to take it personally and taking it extremely personally. He hasn't been in touch since yesterday morning and I want to sort my head out before he calls.
What do you all think?

Also, if you run the other business together then how is it that he had time to start a new business but you didn't? Why do you have so much on your plate that he doesn't have?

I would be so pissed off and in fact I think that would be the end tbh.
I wouldn't see it as his money neither, as you are married.
To me he has spent family money unnecessarily and to hold money bck to fund business trips is erong imo.

This aside he obviously didn't tell you because he knew you would disagree with him, so he deceitfully went behind your back.
I would worry what else he was keeping from me if it was me, but anything less than complete honesty is a deal breaker in my book, so maybe I'm not the best person to advise.

Completely agree with New

oh - sorry if I missed it but I didn't see DC mentioned in your first post.

in that case, er, no, all trips by anyone looking after DC should be agreed upon. If he goes away on a jolly I do think he should tell you with more notice but with DC, he should be asking and checking in the first place! How much time does he spend with his own children btw?

If I say that this is business and this is what counts as him going off on a jolly he'll say what's wrong with me going off on a jolly every now and then.

I assume you also get a jolly now and then which is taken without consulting him?

I think it is important to be at meeting in person at times, rather than skype. I does say a lot about the commitment level. So if it is about getting new business then i think it is the right thing to do.

I think it is reasonable for him to add on seeing his sister to the trip. It makes sense if the journey length is shorter from that point.

You said in your op that you wanted to say no to him adding the visit to his sister, which i think is unreasonable.

Him arranging the trip in secret and keeping it from you is definitely unreasonable.

Maybe you need to discuss why you would have said no to him seeing his sister, would have have said that if he told you in advance? Or just because it was sprung on you?

I detest liars. My exh told lies about everything from have you fed the cat to have you paid the mortgage. How can you ever trust a word a liar says? It is draining.

Surely whilst he is away pursuing his new business :

1. You are left looking after the joint business
2. You are left looking after the house and DC

Therefore you are supporting him in his new business on 2 counts without any discussion...

That is not on! You wouldn't treat your staff like that and you shouldn't treat your wife like that.

Where was the trip to in Asia?

He needs to properly communicate. He owns a business which comes with ups and downs. If he can cope with that he can cope with discussing plans with you. Assuming he's not a timid hedgehog.

Also, if you run the other business together then how is it that he had time to start a new business but you didn't? Why do you have so much on your plate that he doesn't have?

Yes this ^^

I think the issue is that you both have unclear boundaries as to whether you have a say so in what is supposed to be his business.

You have apparently opted out of it, having had the option to opt in, but you still expect to have your opinion adhered to when it comes to deciding his travel.

I can kind of get where he's coming from. He's in charge of this, he wants to get on and do it his way and that includes chasing up some leads which may be a bit flaky but allow him to indulge his love of travel and get to see his family. Isn't that just a rather fab benefit of being your own boss?

I think he's very wrong to deceive you and I'd be livid in your shoes but he's obviously done it because he knows you would object. I guess I'm not sure why you're objecting. Are you upset that he's having jollies that you're not?

Life is short. I'd do what he's doing given the chance.

Of course he should have discussed it with you before hand your married.

Marriage is all about thinking about someone else and including them in your decisions and actions it's supposed to be a partnership.

I'd find it very strange if it was a relationship I was in and the man was only my partner let alone a husband.

Life is short. I'd do what he's doing given the chance

Repeatedly lying and deceiving your spouse is something you'd like to have a chance at

Don't forget walking out on the children without a second thought about who's looking after them Chipped.

Hooman I've just seen you have DC as well that makes what he's doing even more unacceptable.

Em.....well that's an interesting misinterpretation of my post chipped

I clearly said he was wrong in his deception of the op and that I'd be livid in her shoes......or did you miss that bit?

He doesn't have do give it a second thought - the OP is his dogs body who covers his entitled arse when he swans off!

If it isn't making the trip longer and he knew you would tell him not to do it I'm not surprised he didn't tell you.

Closely followed by you saying you would also do what he is doing Marshy.

If it isn't making the trip longer and he knew you would tell him not to do it I'm not surprised he didn't tell you.

Sorry I totally disagree with this.

Lying is wrong. If she would have had an opinion on it, he is a grown man and should have dealt with that.

I would want to take up the opportunity for travel and seeing my family.....err...yes I would chipped!

Just trying to open up a different viewpoint here for the op to discuss with her not so dh. Just after she tells him that he's a complete twat for swanning off to SA without telling her, which of course he is.

The amount of time he is away hasn't changed?? Am I wrong about this?
He didn't tell Op about part of the trip and he should have done but she shouldn't be telling him where and when he can spend his time on a business trip.
She opted out of being part of this business she can't now tell him he can't go to South Africa but can go to Asia.
Most of the comments on this thread are utter bollocks especially what chipped has posted.

He lies and deceives you repeatedly so that you wind up holding the baby, figuratively, whilst he has time to start a second business that involves lots of travel. Then, when you bring up that this is not on and unfair, he basically tells you to go fuck yourself, he's 'entitled' to do whatever he wants.

Says it all, really.

What do I do to turn this round and ensure it doesn't happen again?

Well, you can tell him (and follow through if necessary) that if he does it again that he shouldn't bother to return home.

He is assuming you will just pick up the pieces at home and don't give another thought about who will be with the children. He must get your agreement in relation to his family responsibilities.

On the other hand, it shouldn't matter (if it's his business) where he goes. But for how long and arrangements at home certainly are your business.

In any case, and as it's his business, I'd make sure that the same business doesn't doesn't harm the family. In relation to money or time dedicated to it. We all have to make choices and he has to make his too.

'She opted out of being part of this business she can't now tell him he can't go to South Africa but can go to Asia.'

She had 'too much on her plate' with the kids. He tacked on S. Africa.

I'd tell him to stay there.

Fuck people who lie to you and tell you they are 'entitled' to swan off wherever the fuck they want to whilst you keep the home fires burning.

Glad you're so interested in what I've said Cat

A spouse who tells their partner he is going abroad for three days just after putting his suitcases in the car, is deceitful.
A spouse who says they are visiting one country and them heads off to another and doesn't contact his wife again after telling her, is a liar and disrespectful.
A parent who is happy to go off without telling his DC's isn't a particularly caring parent.

Or maybe I just have really high standards in relationship, expecting to treat and be treated with mutual honesty and respect.