To be offended by DH taking a week out from a current business trip and flying to South Africa without telling me?

[HoomanBean]

To give you a bit of history, my DH travels abroad on business 4-5 times a year. He's self employed and still setting up business and we're not that well off, but nor are we struggling.

Now, my DH has decided to go away to Asia for 2 weeks on business. I felt it was not 100% necessary to actually travel but could see his point of view in the need to actually travel there in person. He pays for this by withholding some of the money he's earnt on previous business trips to pay for future trips so although both our wages are paid into the joint account, he doesn't add everything he earns additionally into the join account.

Two days ago, he texted me to say that he's flying to South Africa from Asia to pursue another business opportunity with a friend there. He knew he was going when he booked the ticket 3 weeks before flying but didn't tell me until thd day he was flying. I texted back asking him not to go and that it was a waste of money and to just concentrate on his business in Asia atm but by the time he'd received my message he was already in Johannesburg.

I feel betrayed and deceived by him although I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable. Part of me says he's a grown man and doesn't need to tell me where he's going. He's spending his own money and although it's money that would otherwise be spent on his family, he's entitled to go anywhere in the world without my permission.
The other voice in my head is saying that purposely withheld information from me and that makes me feel as though I can't trust him anymore. I know he would say that I'm always discouraging when he wants to embark on these new opportunities but I have seen him throw money away on countless business trips that came to nothing. He would say that he can't handle my negativity when he's trying something new and maybe it's best not to tell me until he's there.
I feel hurt and upset to think of him flying all the way to South Africa without even telling me. He's got sisters there and I know he was thinking that he'd meet up with them too as he hasn't seen them for a few years.
I'm torn between trying not to take it personally and taking it extremely personally. He hasn't been in touch since yesterday morning and I want to sort my head out before he calls.
What do you all think?

I'm just going to leave this thread, the utter shit some of you people come out with is ridiculous.
The hysterical bollocks spouted is just insane.

A spouse who tells their partner he is going abroad for three days just after putting his suitcases in the car, is deceitful.
A parent who is happy to go off without telling his DC's isn't a particularly caring parent.

I must have missed OP's posts because this is the first I have read of these 2 points.

A spouse who says they are visiting one country and them heads off to another and doesn't contact his wife again after telling her, is a liar and disrespectful.
Yes he lied and he was disrespectful, a person who refuses to be part of a business and then makes demands in that business is disrespectful especially when IT BARELY EFFECTS THEM!

Rtft Cat

It's really bad advice to tell the OP to just walk out when he returns, leaving the children. Those poor children. Can you imagine how they'd feel if she did a disappearing act?

Totally agree with expat and chipped

If me and dh travel for work we don't expect to know the exact movements of each other we would expect to know roughly where each other is.

Dh - 'I need to go to Asia for 3 weeks, if I go on 'X date' does that work?'

Me - 'yep...what contract is it'

Dh 'it's X contract'

It would be along those lines....but at some point either then there would also be

Dh - 'oh I will be in SA the middle week'

It's not the traveling or having a jolly (although I bet the OP doesn't get jollies as and when she fancy a) it's the fact that he knew and didn't tell her until it was too late.

It's the fact that he hasn't told the OP he is leaving for 3 days until he is putting his suitcase in the car.

I don't really care what other people would put up with. But that's not ok, imo.

Me and dh have kids together neither get to just go away for business or pleasure on a whim without discussing it.

I propose that as as an addition to Godwin's Law, the first person in a thread who uses the word "hysterical" loses the argument. I propose it becomes the Hysteria Law.

I must have missed OP's posts.

Yes, you have, as she did say both the things you quote. Try reading her posts and having a little think, and only then have another go at posting.

The only way to ensure it doesn't happen again is that he doesn't have acces to a bank account to pay for flights. I suspect he won't go for that.

He sounds a knob tbh- putting his suitcase in the car and off to turkey for a few days (!) who does that? It seems weird you wouldn't have been involved in setting up meetings / travel plans/ hotels. Because if you book through hotels.com you end up with free rooms at a hotel of your choice- that would be a treat for you and the DC.

Otherwise he accepts he's being unreasonable and you both share the travel, workload and DC care. And who is doing the books for his new venture?

Don't let him piss all the money away. Take huge drawings, see an accountant and make sure whatever he spends on travel is matched by a transfer to your sole personal account. Which you prudently take out in cash and hide at safe place, in case he or you wants a divorce and he gets half of it.

I can assure you imperial that I fully explain to my DCs where I am going when I travel for business and they are fine. The OP wouldn't be disappearing in the children's view if she explained that she would be away before she left. Which appears to be more than their DF does.

Or are you saying DMs shouldn't travel for work?

catmilk

The op and her dh are working at odds here. It's perfectly reasonable, indeed completely essential, for her not to be lied to about his plans and imo, and I accept that me and catmilk are probably in a minority of 2 here, it's reasonable for him to run his business and take a few perks here and there.

They need to talk about it and arrive at an understanding. Or she could just change the locks before he returns and that would be a great solution for all involved or at least for most of mumsnet it seems

'Yes he lied and he was disrespectful, a person who refuses to be part of a business and then makes demands in that business is disrespectful especially when IT BARELY EFFECTS THEM!'

Barely effects her? Yeah, fuck her feelings. Fuck leaving her with the kids without a second fucking thought.

Your arsehole husband is reading your thread, OP.

Or not reading it as it happens!

No YANBU. If you are married with kids you don't just fuck off without notice be it to the local pub, or SouthAfrica without checking the calendar works for all. That you are contactable in an emergency and your OH has a vague idea where you are. I can see so exceptions where such behavior would be reasonable, unless you are married to James Bond.

Mustbemad completely get the sentiment but I think you may be on the wrong thread...

Thanks marshy, I've reported myself already

That alright - there's been a few fireworks here as it happens

Are you his mum? That he sneaks this stuff past mummy bcs he might get told off.

Either he's married or he's not. Irrelevant it was a business trip and not your business - it could just as easily have been him sneaking off with his mates for a piss-up weekend without first agreeing it with you. You don't do this stuff when you're married, especially for 20 years.

I actually think that the business is the red herring here. The problem is completely unrelated to his business - the problem is that he is being deceitful and disrespectful to you by his behaviour.

And you don't tell people they can't do stuff

But she is disrespecting him by laying down the law about what he can and can't do! If my dh did that to me I'd be very pissed off

He is actually laying down the law about what the OP can and can't do, because he takes off on business just leaving the OP to cover for him in relation to his family responsibility.
If he was single and without children he could do as he pleased. As it is he is responsible for the children too, so he does have to negotiate with his wife to see if she is willing to take over.

Not disputing that but whilst the discussion is "you can't go...well tough I'm going" nothing much is gonna change is it?

Anyway, I'm out

Marshy, I agree that partners shouldn't lay down the law, but that isn't a fair assessment of what OP is saying. She should not be left at short notice to deal with DC, home and business because someone else can't be arsed.

There should be equal rights for going on jollies and that involves discussion and planning.

It doesn't sound to me like the OP says he can't go. She has objections, which are discussed. He just doesn't seem to want to discuss his plans, though.