To be offended by DH taking a week out from a current business trip and flying to South Africa without telling me?

[HoomanBean]

To give you a bit of history, my DH travels abroad on business 4-5 times a year. He's self employed and still setting up business and we're not that well off, but nor are we struggling.

Now, my DH has decided to go away to Asia for 2 weeks on business. I felt it was not 100% necessary to actually travel but could see his point of view in the need to actually travel there in person. He pays for this by withholding some of the money he's earnt on previous business trips to pay for future trips so although both our wages are paid into the joint account, he doesn't add everything he earns additionally into the join account.

Two days ago, he texted me to say that he's flying to South Africa from Asia to pursue another business opportunity with a friend there. He knew he was going when he booked the ticket 3 weeks before flying but didn't tell me until thd day he was flying. I texted back asking him not to go and that it was a waste of money and to just concentrate on his business in Asia atm but by the time he'd received my message he was already in Johannesburg.

I feel betrayed and deceived by him although I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable. Part of me says he's a grown man and doesn't need to tell me where he's going. He's spending his own money and although it's money that would otherwise be spent on his family, he's entitled to go anywhere in the world without my permission.
The other voice in my head is saying that purposely withheld information from me and that makes me feel as though I can't trust him anymore. I know he would say that I'm always discouraging when he wants to embark on these new opportunities but I have seen him throw money away on countless business trips that came to nothing. He would say that he can't handle my negativity when he's trying something new and maybe it's best not to tell me until he's there.
I feel hurt and upset to think of him flying all the way to South Africa without even telling me. He's got sisters there and I know he was thinking that he'd meet up with them too as he hasn't seen them for a few years.
I'm torn between trying not to take it personally and taking it extremely personally. He hasn't been in touch since yesterday morning and I want to sort my head out before he calls.
What do you all think?

I think there are two issues.

One is that he's confusing his job and his hobby. Where he might enjoy travelling, it's very time consuming and it doesn't seem to be the best way of improving the business. 60% of the visits result in nothing - that sounds really bad to me, unless the 40% brings in a hell of a lot of money. That doesn't seem to be the case.

The other is his complete disrespect for you in the way he disappears on his trips. Do you have children together or other responsibilities? He is leaving you in the lurch and that is not acceptable. What's wrong with him putting his trips on the calendar as and when they're arranged? The reason he doesn't do that is because you know that the trips aren't strictly necessary.

He needs to grow up if he wants to make the business work and if he wants the marriage to last.

Enjolrass, but this is not the business we are partners in. It's the second business. This is his own business venture that I opted out of. The one where we are partners doesn't require any travel. This is his own business that he just a sometimes talks over with me. I'm. Not an active partner.

Does that make a difference?

*He's got you well trained hasn't he.

You're married, you're meant to be a team. If one of the team thinks it's okay to sneak around and lie then you have huge issues. I bet your Sils knew all about this trip.*

Oh God. Yes. You're story is very familiar and sadly I have to say that his behaviour does not bode well for a happy ever after with him.

So what do I do? I can't take off for 5 days when he comes back because of the DC and also because of my work. What do I do to turn this round and ensure it doesn't happen again?

I see what you are saying.

Simple fact is that he misled you. That's not ok. In business or in marriage.

So he opened a second business that requires travel?

Does it bring any money in?

Yes it does make a difference. As I said we both travel a lot. We agree diaries as we have a dog who needs to be kennelled if we are both away but other than that we really discuss details of where we are going. It doesn't really matter and the destination can change at short notice for us.

What would I do?

I'd personally explain the moment he walked back in, that being married to a man who repeatedly lies was a dealbreaker. Then I'd walk out the door and go away for a few weeks and tell him I'd be back when he's learnt to treat me with some honesty and respect.

He can look after the DCs.

DH travels regularly (fully funded by his employer, though) and sometimes, where possible, adds on a few days visiting his parents as we live a long way away from them.

He always lets me know well in advance, and sounds me out - it is not about asking permission, it's about making sure it works for all of us, and is a courtesy as I'm left holding the fort.

If he withheld that information until the last minute and then just left, I would be beyond angry. To the extent that it would be chipping away at my ability not just to trust him, but more crucially, to actually like him as a friend.

This behaviour is incredibly damaging.

I think you have to put boundaries in place, tell him this is what constitutes a business, and make it very clear anything else his him going off on a jolly.

I hope it works out for you but the only way you are going to find out if it will is to see how he reacts to you saying - this is not on and it will not happen this way in future.

They haven't all been successful. The one to South Africa is not going to end in anything I can see that clearly but he can't. The last trip he took brought a good amount of money in. It three two trips abroad in total but in the end brought a net profit that was equivalent to 80% of our joint annual income.

The one to South Africa is not going to end in anything I can see that clearly but he can't

That's because its a jolly with a visit to his sisters thrown in.

It's a bit odd that he isn't telling you til the last second. That said, if you're negative all the time then I can see why he doesn't tell you as you don't need demoralizing people in your ear when you're trying to build a business.

40% productive - so what would it be without the travel?

32nd you have a dog, the op has kids so I think that's very different. And just because you don't know where your partner is doesn't mean that's ok for everyone else's relationship. If there's an emergency and you can't locate him?
Anyway op, you have a right to be furious. He's basically dumped entire family responsibilities on you without even any discussions. It doesn't matter if it's for work or not he clearly left it for the last minute intentionally.

If I say that this is business and this is what counts as him going off on a jolly he'll say what's wrong with me going off on a jolly every now and then.

Both of Chipped posts make very good sense & what she suggests is also what I would do, this behaviour is unacceptable & you can't let it continue.

Not all business trips abroad result in success and thats understandable - we have our own business. But this trip was pre-planned and the fact it was hidden from you proves he knew it was not on.

Maybe, just maybe, he was under pressure from his family to go and visit seeing he was on the same continent as them, they may have even told him it would be good for business, so off he went.

Nothing will take away from the fact though that he lied to you and was devious.

Shit. I feel like shit now. I'd talked myself into thinking it was reasonably acceptable and now I'm going to have to confront him.

So he lied to you, twice and blamed you for it. He left without checking whether his children were looked after - he just assumed you would do it because you're the dogsbody. He doesn't listen to you or take your opinion into account about the travelling.

Why is he even married to you if he couldn't be bothered engaging with you or treating you with respect?

If I say that this is business and this is what counts as him going off on a jolly he'll say what's wrong with me going off on a jolly every now and then

And you say "absolutely nothing", but if he won't get your prior agreement and arrange it with you, than you'll be doing the same. Give him the DCs, tell him to call you when he's ready to change and apologise and leave.

Stop feeling shit and start feeling angry.

How fucking dare he treat you like this. Your his wife not his servant.

I think you said earlier you can't go away because of the children, but why is it that he can go away? Does he consider himself to have no children?

Either he didn't think to tell you when he booked the SA part of the trip or he deliberately lied about it. Neither is good. To be blunt, he's disrespectful, irresponsible and a lier. What would have happened to your DCs or your joint business if you had booked to be away since you didn't know about the SA trip?

He's relying on you picking up the balls that he drops.

You need to set some firm boundaries. If I were you I would tell him you don't want involved in discussions about the business he runs on his own but you want informed in advance about all the trips. (This takes away his excuse that you might criticise or veto the trips. Let him run his own business but show he is a responsible DH and father).

Next time he pulls a stunt like this, don't be there for him coming home. He's meant to help you shoulder responsibilities not be a liability.

You're in a difficult position OP, with the business and marriage and family so enmeshed.

You're entitled to be pissed off at him using family money to mix business and pleasure like this. He didn't tell you about SA because he knew you'd object. He knows he's out of line.

Do you ever get to do any travelling for the business, or is that perk only for him to enjoy?