To be offended by DH taking a week out from a current business trip and flying to South Africa without telling me?

[HoomanBean]

To give you a bit of history, my DH travels abroad on business 4-5 times a year. He's self employed and still setting up business and we're not that well off, but nor are we struggling.

Now, my DH has decided to go away to Asia for 2 weeks on business. I felt it was not 100% necessary to actually travel but could see his point of view in the need to actually travel there in person. He pays for this by withholding some of the money he's earnt on previous business trips to pay for future trips so although both our wages are paid into the joint account, he doesn't add everything he earns additionally into the join account.

Two days ago, he texted me to say that he's flying to South Africa from Asia to pursue another business opportunity with a friend there. He knew he was going when he booked the ticket 3 weeks before flying but didn't tell me until thd day he was flying. I texted back asking him not to go and that it was a waste of money and to just concentrate on his business in Asia atm but by the time he'd received my message he was already in Johannesburg.

I feel betrayed and deceived by him although I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable. Part of me says he's a grown man and doesn't need to tell me where he's going. He's spending his own money and although it's money that would otherwise be spent on his family, he's entitled to go anywhere in the world without my permission.
The other voice in my head is saying that purposely withheld information from me and that makes me feel as though I can't trust him anymore. I know he would say that I'm always discouraging when he wants to embark on these new opportunities but I have seen him throw money away on countless business trips that came to nothing. He would say that he can't handle my negativity when he's trying something new and maybe it's best not to tell me until he's there.
I feel hurt and upset to think of him flying all the way to South Africa without even telling me. He's got sisters there and I know he was thinking that he'd meet up with them too as he hasn't seen them for a few years.
I'm torn between trying not to take it personally and taking it extremely personally. He hasn't been in touch since yesterday morning and I want to sort my head out before he calls.
What do you all think?

So he takes money out of the joint business/family money, and uses it for his new business? I think that's definitely unacceptable.

The cowardly lieing is dreadful. He really should be grown up enough to be honest with you - you've been married for 20 years!

I probably wouldn't want him back for a while, if ever. Tell him he needs to find somewhere to stay for a few weeks while you think about what to do and what you want.

I am sure you don't want a cowardly and deceitful partner, so can he stop being one do you think?

He doesn't take money out of the joint account; he holds back some of his own money from his own business and uses that.

Also, if you run the other business together then how is it that he had time to start a new business but you didn't?

There's 2 business; one is both of us together and the other is what he does on his own. He's gone for his own business. The joint business is not a problem and never has been. We have defined roles and I am very, very committed to it as it's something I love doing. I have taken on additional responsibilities on my own accord that are nothing to do with him and I feel that if I left for 5 days it would affect everyone involved. I don't have any resentment with regards to the first business - wou k d happily continue doing it for the rest of my life even if I did not make a single penny from it as I enjoy it so much.

He has suggested that we go together sometimes. There have been a few trips recently in which we both went together and I had a little holiday whilst he conducted his business. However, they're difficult becasue the DC are young and it means asking my parents to come over and stay with them. I feel that one of should try to be at home during term time with th ed DC and as it's his business it makes sense that it's me. That's not to say I don't get to have holidays myself. We've planned a 4 week holiday for me early next year in which I'll be leaving some of the DC behind. It's usually an family trip but because of certain issues we're having to take it at a different time of the year this time. So then I'll be going whilst he looks after the DC for 4 weeks.

I do feel he's been deceitful and that he's lied by ommission. I do feel he's been inconsiderate to my feelings in not being told. I'm trying to understand why he did it and see it from his perspective and I can see it's because he thinks I hold him back too much with my negativity. But after reading how you all feel about it I feel that I'm not being unreasonable and I should challenge his decision when he gets home.

Hoo....of course you should challenge his deceitfulness but there has been a variety of opinions expressed here....

I've recently had breast cancer and my dh's brother has been diagnosed with parkinsons. This has brought home to us that life can turn on a sixpence and the endless future available for achieving your dreams can very suddenly be cut short. If I could say yes, I wouldn't stop my dh from doing anything he wants to do and he feels the same about me, though we do make an effort to do enjoy things together. Life is short.

It sounds like you have a great life together. I hope you work it out without changing the locks

He's not gone for longer than planned, and it doesn't sound like a big money issue and it doesn't sound like you don't get to go away either. However, his time is not 100% his own to decide what to do with -his choosing to go away is also choosing to not be home with you and his children and should be a joint decision. By lying about where he is going (and lying to you if not himself about why) he is taking you out of that joint decision in an unfair way- you might support him to go run his business but not to go randomly visit his sisters. In any case the lying is an issue for me, the whole thing is probably not a dealbreaker but pretty unacceptable all the same.

Apart from the trip, I'd be wondering what else he also lies about...

You know, tbh, if he'd said to me I want to go visit my sisters I'd have been okay with it. Yes, I would have probably preferred he didn't and stayed at home with me but I would have recognised that it's unrational to feel so and would not have tried to stand in his way. His sisters are his family and h ed has two in South Africa. One lost a 10 year old son a few years ago and has not been the same since. I think she'd appreciate a visit. The other has a difficult marriage and as they have no parents alive, a visit would bring both sisters a lot of happiness. So visiting his sisters is not even the issue. It's the fact that he didn't tell me. That's what I'm finding hardest. Thinking back, he never openly lied either. He kept it from me so lied by omission.

timeisnotaline, thank you for your post. I do feel I have a good marriage. Yes there are some things that are skewed in his direction and some things are skewed in my direction. He probably gets the better deal in many things but I'm not unhappy. I like my life as it is snd gave no desire to go jetting around the world on business trips. I'm not very ambitious and quite content in my life. I wouldn't change much. But there are times when I feel manipulated. When I I look at everything I do for him and the family and feel that I'm the one making most sacrifices for the DC. But then on the other hand I like doing what I do for them. I wouldn't be happier if I left more to him. He does his share, but it's not a fair share by any means.

I do love him crazily. I couldn't live without him and I know he loves me too. I wouldn't be able to leave him for such a thing and in the end, I often end up forgiving him. But then the resentment kicks in and everything gets messed again.

I'm with Lweji. I bet there are other things he hasn't told you and this isn't the first time he's planned something behind your back.
The fact that you weren't even sure if this was unreasonable at the start of this thread is a red flag to me.

OP I would look at this in a "how it's affected me/the kids" way so he's less likely to try and argue.

You knew he was going to Asia. Did the SA trip add any time to his trip? He was already gone from the house, you already knew he wouldn't be back. WHY does SA bother you? It's not the fact he's gone, it's simply the lie.

Now, you think he didn't tell you because you're a negative Nelly... so assume he'd told you in advance and it added no time to his trip "Oh btw one of the deals I was going for fell through so I'm going to try X in SA instead seeing my tickets are already booked". Would you have said no? Why? Do you secretly (or not so secretly) think this business venture is a waste of time and money? And if so, if it started doing better financially would you be more okay with what's involved?

So now the lying. He chose to lie to you (by omission still counts) because, you assume, he thought you wouldn't have wanted to/let him go. So, why is it okay for him to not tell you something? His only response could be because he wanted to go... and your answer to that is that this (marriage) is a partnership. There have probably been many things over the years you "wanted" to do but you didn't/don't make unilateral decisions for yourself that affect the family. You don't need to know everything, but international travel is pretty important!

I think you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about trips and how they need to work. That:

• he only goes for X amount of time (because of family obligations)
• it's only during X periods of the year, unless a contact gives no other options; and
• even if it's during a previously "okay" period he should still double check you don't have your own obligations he doesn't know about so he should ask.

Conversely though you need to agree to be more open minded about where he's going and . As long as it isn't financially detrimental and as long as you have sufficient warning then it's fine. BUT above all else, you need to have his flight information. Sadly, flying doesn't seem very safe to some places at the moment so I'd want to know details (plane number etc etc).

Based on your posts it sounds like he's upset that you're not more supportive and that's something you can work on, but that doesn't mean what he did is okay.

His SA trip seems like a good move- how sad that he didn't feel he could tell you about it in case you wouldn't want him to go.

You are totally justified to be annoyed, in fact, you are justified in being absolutely furious over his deceit and conniving.

His SA trip seems like a good move- how sad that he didn't feel he could tell you about it in case you wouldn't want him to go.

not really. He could have put on his big boy pants and has a conversation about it.

But then he has form for this sort of thing.

He obviously knows he's being unreasonable or he wouldn't lie, be sheepish and hide it from you then blame you for his shitty behaviour. A normal person would talk to their partner about it. He's being like a teenager hiding stuff from their mum.

I haven't read the whole thread. But I think you are right to be pissed he didn't tell you. But yabu to have n issue with him travelling Like this for work. I would consider a 40% conversion rate to business really good, unless the cost of winning that business is greater that the revenue made from it. If I could have a diversion rate like that I would be rich.

We've planned a 4 week holiday for me early next year

'We' being the operative word. You haven't just planned to sneak off - you agreed together.

He is sowing the seeds of resentment and distrust that is what you need to speak with him about.

His desire to go was not unreasonable, you would have been unreasonable to stop him. His behaviour to achieve it is bad news for your relationship somehow you need to get that through to him.

We've planned a 4 week holiday for me early next year in which I'll be leaving some of the DC behind. It's usually an family trip but because of certain issues we're having to take it at a different time of the year this time. So then I'll be going whilst he looks after the DC for 4 weeks.

I'd put money on this being why he did it. He's probably thinking oh OP is going away next year for 4 weeks so I'll sneak in a wee detour on my business trip because lets face it - if she can go away, so can I. Oh and I wont tell her because Im made like that anyway, and neither am I daft - this detour is best kept quiet for loads of reasons.

I previously thought the OP's situation came across very much like the one I was in then I thought to myself - stop it! But this mention of the OP's holiday now makes me think even more, been there, done that, got the t-shirt

OP, sometimes people being blind to whats going on around them can be mistaken for being a good team/being pretty well sorted and the likes. They can be very effective smokescreens and I implore you to take a step back, take a really look at how your life works - then take stock.

I don't know why some people are saying that the trip hasn't got any longer means that OP should suck it up. If her H is taking a week in the middle, that means he hasn't tried to set meetings up so that the whole trip took a week less. It isn't that close from Asia to South Africa - if he's paying an addition al fare, he could have discussed with OP about coming home for a week in the middle instead etc.

As with most people including OP, it's not the trip, it's the lying that is the issue.

His behaviour is childish. He should have discussed it with you before he went.

The Turkey trip behaviour was appalling.

One thing to add - now that we have children, neither my husband nor I would go anywhere without leaving a detailed itinerary of all flights and booked accommodation. Because things happen and the idea that there might be an incident and I don't have as much information as possible to find out if my children still have a father and vice versa is unacceptable.

I've read half the thread but am going to post before reading the rest as I have the rage.

To the poster saying that the dh doesn't need to answer to his wife - wtaf - my DH travels abroad with work, I would expect him to tell me when and where in advance so that between us we can make sure that anything that needs to be done, particularly wrt the dc's will still get done whilst he's away. It's dead simple - "Rainbow I need to go to Spain for a few days next week". "OK fine, I've checked the calendar, I can manage everything / can you do it the following week as I am working late with a customer on Wednesday".

It's basic courtesy really. If the OP has issues with the amount of her dh's travelling that's a separate issue that they need to discuss. The problem here is that the dh is trying to avoid a confrontation by lying and withholding info from his wife. What if the OP had made plans that weekend he went to Turkey? What if she needs to urgently get hold of him and he's not where she thought he was or he's deliberately not answering calls?

From what I can gather so far, the OP's husband has taken money out of his business account to have a break and visit his sisters. Money that would otherwise go into the family pot. It's the use of the money for a blatant jolly that would bother me in this instance, as well as the deceit. If he wanted to go to SA to see his sisters then why the hell not discuss it with his wife beforehand and give her and their children a chance to go too? Or at least say to her that he'd like to take the opportunity to go whilst he was travelling anyway. You know, discuss it like two adults making sure that the family's logistics and finances are all tickety-boo.

In a nutshell, the problem isn't that he's gone, it's the way he's gone about it. OP you have every right to be extremely pissed off.

I've been thinking about all the posts here and for once in my life, thinking about it from a different perspective. I realise he hasn't treated me right and that whatever he perceived my reaction to be, he should have told me.
It's been 5 days now since he left. After his initial text the day he landed he hadn't contacted me until today. He sent two texts saying he's fine and that he hopes we're all okay and that he's in South Africa and will call when he can. I didn't reply.
Since I found out he's gone my overwhelming feeling is that of betrayal. I in turn feel angry and him and sad for myself that he'd do this to me. Part of me feels that I should let it out when he returns and scream at him but anger us something that I had a problem with in the past and I've learnt to control. I don't want to shout and scream at him because I can't see myself feeling better after it. I do, however, want him to know just how much he's hurt me.
I feel hurt and upset. I know he'll try to brush it off as unimportant and that he'll try to turn the tables and make it my fault. Say it's because I wouldn't let him go. Although I honestly feel that if he'd talked it over with me I would have been okay with it but that's with the benefit of hindsight. Really we'll never know how I would have reacted because it's too late for that.
I've been consumed with thinking about him and this whole sorry saga. I can't get it out of my head. I just feel so, so broken up that the one person I trusted more than anyone in the world would do this to me.
I know people here have bigger betrayals to contend with and in the grand scheme of things it's nothing compared to other stories of dishonest partners but this is my own personal little experience and I'm. Just heart broken.
I still love him loads and miss him and I can't seem to balance the anger and dismay I feel with these feelings of love. I wish I could just get over it and enjoy the rest of the two weeks he's away.

Sorry for the ridiculous number of typos in the last post. I hope you all understand what I was trying to say. I just feel a bit shit at the moment.

Might sound strange, but I for one am glad that you are upset as it means that you understand that he is completely out of line.
Not contacting you for 5 days?! I don't actually think you would be wrong to show him how angry you are. Have you decided what you are going to do?
One of your posts worried me, you said you "can't live without him", feeling like that can put you in a position of vulnerability...