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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think parents who dont rsvp are rude?

143 replies

Fantasyland · 13/11/2015 17:32

I don't understand why people don't say yes or no to party invitations (other than child losing invitation at school)
Out of 15 kids only 7 have rsvp and because of the activity I need to know the exact number of kids.

Some of the parents i've managed to catch after school today when the party is tomorrow and they say oh no he cant come but they could have told me earlier! Its so frustrating. is this normal for me to chase people whether they are coming or not?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/11/2015 23:17

Worra quite.

But parents etc seemed to manage to do it.

Maybe it's just my happy hazy memories.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2015 23:20

wiggly I'm sorry but none of your excuses so far have lead me to believe your behaviour is anything other than rude.

Unless of course you've been diagnosed with a medical condition that causes such poor memory, in which case I apologise.

My MIL has such a condition and she makes sure she writes important things down, because she has been mortified in the past when she's forgotten something that has impacted negatively on other people.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2015 23:21

Yes Only1scoop parents mostly did seem to manage a polite reply.

wigglylines · 14/11/2015 23:35

I haven't been diagnosed with anything, I haven't ever discussed it with the doctor.

Thay doesn't mean that it's not real. I genuinely forget stuff, it drives me bananas.

Like the physio form i've lost for example. I knew it was lost the same day I went to the appointment. But not only was the form gone, I couldn't for the life of me remember what the exercises were, even the same day i went, and the physio had showed me a couple of times. I will have to go back to the hospital.

I keep forgetting people's names, people i've known for years. I put it down to chronic sleep deprivation and stress because of how fucking tough things are right now.

Rude, in my opinion, is when someone knows they should reply but can't be arsed, not when someone genuinely forgets.

I find judgemental attitudes pretty rude tbh.

JohnCusacksWife · 14/11/2015 23:35

Of course it's rudeness. No excuses for it but unfortunately many people nowadays seem to think they owe no consideration to others.

JohnCusacksWife · 14/11/2015 23:37

How hard is it to check your child's bag each night for letters, notes etc? Not hard at all. It takes 30 secs to send a text. No excuses - it's rude.

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2015 23:43

Exactly, it's not hard at all to check the bag, check the calender and send a text.

Checking bags is a routine all parents need to get into anyway.

AnnekaRice · 14/11/2015 23:56

I have ADHD yes it does exist and also massively stressed with work commitments at the moment. I lose everything. I'm trying very hard to be organised but bits of paper with a number on? that is somewhere among 300 bits of paper which are urgent, or I have never seen it out of a school bag. I feel terrible about it and am not a rude person, or a disinterested person. The times I do see it, I think 'I'll text them let me put it here safely' then I lose it. or I log it as 'dealt with' by seeing it, and lose it. It's pretty stressful.

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2015 00:00

Really though?

300 bits of paper that are urgent?

Can you see how flippant that makes you sound?

Someone takes the time to think of your child and invite them to a party. All they need is a simple text to say 'yes' or 'no' and you're claiming to have 300 urgent bits of paper that it got lost amongst?

At least look at it realistically and honestly.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/11/2015 00:03

wiggly, to avoid having to wait until you get home and 'check your calendar', use the calendar in your phone. You always have your phone on you, presumably?

Then the process is:

  1. Receive invitation.
  2. Check calendar.
  3. Reply 'yes' or 'no'.

Done.

I don't believe that all the people who fail to RSVP are magically more hectic than the previous generation of parents.

People naff about because they want to keep their options open.

Make a decision, commit to doing something, and follow through. It's called having manners and being an adult.

(Yes, I am sick of flaky, rude and selfish people hiding behind being 'busy'.)

JohnCusacksWife · 15/11/2015 00:03

I'm sure no one sets out to be rude but I think you have to accept that, if it's a regular occurrence, you are being rude.

Only1scoop · 15/11/2015 00:04

It's not generally just a 'bit of paper with a number on' though is it?

It's a specific invite sometimes in an envelope or card sometimes in a school bag etc.

So easy to show some courtesy and simply reply.

wigglylines · 15/11/2015 00:05

I do check the bag, every day. I still lose the bits of paper.

If your brain doesn't work like this I can see it's hard to imagine how something that seems so simple to you can be so difficult for others.

But people are being pretty insensitive (or rude even - ironic given the thread!) to people trying to explain to you why this might be hard.

I'm not making it up honest! I wish I could keep track of things, it drives me crazy!

JohnCusacksWife · 15/11/2015 00:08

Wiggly, really, truly, what is so hard about picking up an invitation and putting it beside the phone, on the kitchen table, wherever works for you and the texting back. Really?

Only1scoop · 15/11/2015 00:08

I'm dreadfully forgetful

That's why I get dp and dd to double check they remind me about this kind of stuff.

AnnekaRice · 15/11/2015 00:09

I tend to put it down in a sensible place/ on the top of a pile of 'to do NOW'
so yes,300 is about right (6 conflicting work projects/commitments that could each be f/t in their own right let alone other stuff) I then think about it, look for it, can't find it despite hunting everywhere, or can find it, move it to 'action' it and then can't find my phone so I then put it somewhere sensible and it ends up lost forever. I have now initiated a better system SPECIFICALLY FOR PARTY INVITES (no, really) - I have cleared a section of a bookshelf for this stuff, AND I have bought a 'planner'.
I was recently told a good rule of thumb is to do something straight away if it can be done in under 2 mins. When I leave things to deal with later, disasters happen

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2015 00:11

wiggly why do you consider it rude that people have said they think your actions are rude?

We are on a thread, discussing whether we think not replying to an invitation is rude or not Confused

One day your child will be old enough to step in for you and reply to the invitation themselves.

But there is a small chance that due to your lack of replies during those few years, your child just won't be invited to anything in the future.

That may be hard to read but that doesn't make it rude, not given the subject of this thread.

wigglylines · 15/11/2015 00:11

AnnekaRice I've wondered about ADD also, it does seem to fit. I wasn't going to mention it here as this thread didn't seem particularly friendly, but seeing as you have mentioned it ...

I looked up ADD a while back as I wondered if DS has it, and reading the description was a real lightbulb moment! It was a description of me. And lots of things I hadn't thought were connected with each other.

You say ...

"massively stressed with work commitments at the moment. I lose everything. I'm trying very hard to be organised but bits of paper with a number on? that is somewhere among 300 bits of paper which are urgent, ... I feel terrible about it and am not a rude person, or a disinterested person. The times I do see it, I think 'I'll text them let me put it here safely' then I lose it. or I log it as 'dealt with' by seeing it, and lose it. It's pretty stressful."

Are you me?! That describes it exactly.

Have you been diagnosed? I have thought about going to the doctor but I worried that they might not recognise it and just think I was being silly.

JohnCusacksWife · 15/11/2015 00:15

Wiggly, I don't think it's unfriendly, just that people who have been on the wrong end of non responders are understandably frustrated. We're all busy, stressed etc - it's just a lot of the excuses trotted out here are pretty lame.

AnnekaRice · 15/11/2015 00:15

Also have had health problems in the past year which have not helped. I think it can be tackled with a system. But I do think posters are being very rude about people whose brains are not as a -to- b as theirs. I make endless cockups with things like this and I find it debilitating and stress inducing and altogether awful. It's not a flippant, pfft, a kids party! who cares! response. I don't chuck the invite, or think 'Ill just not reply'. I find emails easier to deal with than memos that sometimes don't make it home, or at least option to reply via email Confused hopefully my new planner/organised invite zone will boost my executive functioning

wigglylines · 15/11/2015 00:16

"what is so hard about picking up an invitation and putting it beside the phone, on the kitchen table, wherever works for you and the texting back. Really?"

The shelves next to the phone are covered in clutter already, including lots of papers, if I put it there it'll get lost in the mess, and I won;t remember I put it there so I likely won't see it again for ages.

The kitchen table is in the dining room which we're using as a store room right now (don't ask).

My place for invites is sticking them to the wall in the hall. But they don't always make it there, and even when they do I often walk past them and forget they're there.

AnnekaRice describes it well. If you live like this, there are already 300 urgent things vying for your attention. A party invite goes into the general chaos of not-so-urgent things and may or may not make it out.

wigglylines · 15/11/2015 00:19

WorraLiberty I'm trying to explain that I genuinely can't remember things - if you just say "that's because you're rude" rather than trying to understand what it must be like to not be able to rely on your memory in the way you so obviously take for granted, then that is pretty rude IMO.

AnnekaRice · 15/11/2015 00:20

wiggly it has a lot of misconception out there but adult ADD does exist - more likely to be that if you had the same problems in childhood. A diagnosis may not help you but it can help to at least understand a bit more about what is happening - eg, neurotransmitters, frontal lobe etc and the full neuropsychiatry of it. There are specialists in the UK, and they are very understanding. It has bad press for the vast unwarranted over diagnosis of it elsewhere mainly. I am also atrocious at losing keys, or other essential things, misjudge time ALL THE TIME which is awful as I feel terrible about that too and I am terrible at replying to text messages - again, if I see it, brain says 'dealt with' and I forget completely.

wigglylines · 15/11/2015 00:21

"One day your child will be old enough to step in for you and reply to the invitation themselves."

My youngest yes, she's on it. But my oldest, his brain works like mine, I can recognise it in him.

I have put the new calendar at his height so that he can see what's coming up too though. (Did that after we missed his mate's party).

JohnCusacksWife · 15/11/2015 00:22

Wiggly, I get the memory thing. I really do. Mine is awful. I have to write a list every day of what needs done or else it just doesn't happen. But I still maintain that simply not to reply is rude. You might not mean to be rude but you still are.