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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think parents who dont rsvp are rude?

143 replies

Fantasyland · 13/11/2015 17:32

I don't understand why people don't say yes or no to party invitations (other than child losing invitation at school)
Out of 15 kids only 7 have rsvp and because of the activity I need to know the exact number of kids.

Some of the parents i've managed to catch after school today when the party is tomorrow and they say oh no he cant come but they could have told me earlier! Its so frustrating. is this normal for me to chase people whether they are coming or not?

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 14/11/2015 11:02

It actually is extremely rude and also quite spiteful. The child is sometimes waiting to hear who can come.

People are really weird about this stuff.

I've done a party every year for ds. The first year was whole class and less than half replied. One I chased up actually said they'd let us know closer to the time. We've had people show up who didn't rsvp, people who said they were coming not turn up, people bring siblings that I ended up paying for.

DingbatsFur · 14/11/2015 11:14

It is rude, I don't get it frankly. Party organised in plenty of time, invites out, still missing replies from two people. They have my number, just tell me already.
Bah.

Muskey · 14/11/2015 11:26

there was one mum who was notorious for not responding to invites, not because she was busy but because she would wait and see if her dc got a better offer. One year she rang up my house half an hour before the party started (my mum answered the phone) asking if she could bring her dd and elder dd. My mum said no and told her that she was being very rude. I do love mum as she says it as she's it. Funny enough the woman never spoke to me again. People who do this are rude and I'm sorry to say they know they are being rude but don't care.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/11/2015 12:59

I disagree that it isn't 'extremely rude'. It bloody well is.

Saying 'I forget' is ridiculous. There isn't a smartphone in existence that doesn't have re

KoalaDownUnder · 14/11/2015 13:00

Whoops - reminders built into it!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 14/11/2015 13:20

I was considering starting a thread about this!
Invites sent out a week ago. Eight still have not responded. I have been informed by a different family member that one of the children is 'probably' coming, but what does that mean? Trying to plan party activities when we might have ten guests or 18? How much food? We want to provide sustinence for parents too, but there could be anywhere between 10 or 36 adults how much extra do we get?
Still, we've got around the party bag dilemma. We're using our church hall and I've asked if we can get out the tuck shop stuff used for kids club. We'll pay for what the kids choose, but no worries about leftovers or not having enough.... and all the money goes to the kids club!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 14/11/2015 13:33

Koala and Google calendar is just so easy to use! I don't buy the 'I'm a bit scatty' excuse. I'm scatty, but it all goes in my Google calendar straight away. No more forgotten birthdays or dentist appointments!

FuckOffJeffrey · 14/11/2015 13:40

I think it's rude to not RSVP to an invite, even if it's just a simple text to say yes or no.

I sent out invites last Monday for DD party (at a soft play) a week tomorrow and have not recieved a single RSVP text yet.

I've had 2 verbal confirmations from the parents I know and that is it. I really hope I get some replies soon so I have half an idea of how many kids will turn up and I can plan things accordingly.

Last year we had a party in the house, invited about 25 kids, 8 RSVP'd and 16 turned up on the day. I had assumed the no replys were not going to come but decided to plan for 15 kids to be on the safe side so we managed with 16 but if they all showed up we would have not had enough party bags or food.

I don't get why you wouldn't reply to an invite but turn up on the day anyway? It's not difficult to let the person know you are coming either by text or in person. If my DD was invited to a party and I lost the invite with the number I would go out of my way to speak to the parents on the playground or give my DD a note to pass to the birthday child to say we would be attending but have lost the contact number to RSVP.

The only leeway I give is to parents who do not have English as first laungage (such as DD's friend who's parents are polish) as RSVP is not something I would assume they would automatically know. Everyone else though should know better and I would therefore think they were rude not to reply.

GreatFuckability · 14/11/2015 16:00

Having a calendar mrabs I have to remember to put things in it. Which I try to do, buy occasionally I just forget. I'm not a bad person or ignorant or any of those things, I just have a bad memory. Luckily I live somewhere people don't seem to mind much.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 14/11/2015 16:05

Yes it's rude and it has put me off organising parties.

I sent out invites for a party for one of the dcs and watched one of the mums open and look at the invite then put it in her pocket so I knew she'd got it. I didn't get a reply which pissed me off as the playgym I'd chosen said I either had to pay for that childs place and couldn't have a refund if she didn't turn up. I canceled her spot. It was too late to invite anyone else in her place as well.

Organised a surprise party for dh once and didn't reply from a few people so I assumed they weren't coming and invited others. On the day of the party they decided to let me know they were coming after all despite the invite saying to RSVP by whatever date I'd put. I mean really...what took so fucking long??

It's rude and annoying not to RSVP.

Purplepixiedust · 14/11/2015 16:09

I don't understand why people don't reply. We don't have any trouble with this. Maybe an odd one will forget but all in all everyone replies and most straight away. All seems odd to me. Now the kids are older they prompt each other to get their mums to text too Grin

Purplepixiedust · 14/11/2015 16:10

They are rude not to reply OP.

Oakmaiden · 14/11/2015 16:37

Sometimes at the point I get the invitation I don't KNOW if my child can attend. Because we only have one car it depends on what the rest of the family are doing, so I have to wait and find out. and my husband often doesn't know what he is doing until quite close to the time. By which time I may have forgotten all about it...

laffymeal · 14/11/2015 16:54

If you don't know, just say to the person who has invited you "I'm not sure due to transport" they might even offer to pick your DC up and take them to the party. It's perfectly simple to tell someone you'll get back to them nearer the time.

It always amazes me how people saying they're "busy" or "scatty" or "forgetful" is mitigation for plain lack of manners and a complete disregard for other people's lives.

Pyjamaramadrama · 14/11/2015 17:04

Oakmaiden you should still reply and be honest. The chances are they might offer to take your dc.

I've had to approach a mum before when I was heavily pregnant and say I was hoping he could go but just in case I didn't expect her to hold a place.

tigermoll · 14/11/2015 18:23

The only reason that all of this "forgetfulness" and "being too busy to remember to reply" persists is because there are no consequences to the behaviour. The parents still get to turn up to the party and their child still gets to have a nice time.

Be brutal. If someone who hasn't RSVP'd just turns up, look all baffled and say "sorry, we didn't think you were coming. I'm afraid we don't have the space" and shut the door. And to everyone who's said "Whoops! I'm just really forgetful", be honest: if your child got turned away from a party that you'd forgotten to confirm, you'd bloody remember next time, wouldn't you?

Pyjamaramadrama · 14/11/2015 18:43

Honestly I wouldn't have the cheek to turn up if I hadn't rsvp'd. If I did forget I'd ring before I went and apologise and check if it was ok.

Micah · 14/11/2015 18:53

I always try to reply.

However over the years I have had - one lost invite, just never received it
One found in the bottom of a school bag amongst a million and one bits of paper, found the day before, one where something happened with the text, and they didn't get it, and one where I transposed two digits, so they didn't get it.

Personally I'm not keen when I do reply, and hear nothing back. It's nice to get a "great see you then", or "sorry you can't come" then I know my reply has reached the party giver...

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 14/11/2015 20:13

Be brutal. If someone who hasn't RSVP'd just turns up, look all baffled and say "sorry, we didn't think you were coming. I'm afraid we don't have the space" and shut the door. And to everyone who's said "Whoops! I'm just really forgetful", be honest: if your child got turned away from a party that you'd forgotten to confirm, you'd bloody remember next time, wouldn't you?

Trouble is with that approach it's the kid who would be more upset not the slackass parent who was too busy or too forgetful to reply.

And that is what would've happened to the child if she'd turned up at dc2's party. I'd taken her off the list as I'd hadn't got a reply.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 14/11/2015 20:24

Do you think you would ever be forgiven by the school community if you shut the door in a child's face?!

I rather think you would be cold shouldered by the other mums for that and your children would never get asked to any parties ever again!

irregularegular · 14/11/2015 20:41

Strange. Everyone pretty much always replies here, it's never been a problem. But for quite a few years now all invites are sent by email (possibly with a paper invite later for the benefit of the children if can be bothered). Makes replying very easy.

DisappointedOne · 14/11/2015 20:52

The only leeway I give is to parents who do not have English as first laungage (such as DD's friend who's parents are polish) as RSVP is not something I would assume they would automatically know.

Erm, RSVP is french........

OhBigHairyBollocks · 14/11/2015 20:52

Yep. Just had DDs party. 12 children from nursery invited. Six replied. Another two replied after I chased up with the nursery. Four didn't reply at all and were no shows. Jut rude!

GreatFuckability · 14/11/2015 20:53

Well, then I'm an awful spiteful person who doesn't care about kids. Hmm or maybe I'm just human with faults. Luckily the parents I know are more forgiving of human foibles than MN seems to be. I don't expect to be accommodated at parties if I haven't rsvp'd (because I've forgotten the party is on...) and I certainly wouldn't dream of being pissy about not being invited to anything, ever.

Pyjamaramadrama · 14/11/2015 21:08

Honestly great the parents at ds school moan like crazy about people not rsvp'ing. Of course they'd never be rude to the persons face and are always lovely and very accommodating the anyone who turns up.

It's well known the people who never, ever bother to reply.

The thing is if you've invited 15 kids and 12 forget to reply or tell you at the very last minute that they can't come it is very upsetting for the birthday child.