to not let DS go out for a treat when he has behaved badly.

[BlueBlueSea]

The school phoned today to say that DS (14) is going into isolation next week due to bullying and racist behaviour.

DH and I are furious, he has been told off, grounded and banned from screen time for a week. He will also apologise to those concerned.

DH had bought tickets to take him to a gig this evening, they have been looking forward to it for weeks. I said he should not take him, that it was mixed messages if he gets told off, given a punishment and then taken out for a treat. DH disagrees and says the tickets were expensive and it would be a waste, and he will make sure he does not enjoy it too much. My view it that they have been paid for and the money spent so going or not cost the same and that DH could go on his own.

Am I being overly harsh?

What did he actually do? How has he responded when you and his teachers discussed his actions and punishments with him?

I agree with you.

I agree with you.
Alternatively, you could let him go but make him repay the money - doing chores etc. But personally I wouldn't let him go.

DH could invite a friend so the tickets aren't wasted?

I agree with you 100%.

No night out tonight.

I know it spoils it for your dh (he could still go?) but you can't let your ds go imo.

I agree with you as well. How is he going to "make sure DS doesn't enjoy it too much"?? Slap him round the head at regular intervals?

I think your DH should invite a friend or something. I suspect he was looking forward to doing it with your son, but I think this is an instance when he will have to do without his son's company in the interests of driving home how appalling his behaviour has been.

Bullying and racist behaviour - he wouldn't be going out till he was 18 if I was in your shoes.

Has the school gone into detail? Is he remorseful at all?

He was abusive verbally and there was racist content. He does not seem remotely sorry and says that it was a joke.

Well, they have gone. DH felt I was being overly harsh and he did not want to waste the ticket.

Might be on my own here and I may be too soft but I couldn't not let him go. I would think I was stopping quality time for him and dad. I would do the other punishments and drag them out to give him plenty of time to think about what he had done.

Well you husband is effectively telling your DS its ok for him to be a racist bully. Nice parenting

Your dh doesn't seem 'furious' and DS isn't grounded. DS isn't even sorry so I think you would be wise to brace yourself for the next bulling/racist incident as nothing that's happened this time seems to indicate he will change.

Yanbu.

I think it's utterly ridiculous to let him still go. Wow.

If it were me, id have made him give the tickets to those he had been bullying. I would have driven him around there made him apologise in front of me, and watch him hand them over.
That would have done it.

In your shoes I would also now be furious at my DH too.

Unless he doesn't have a concept of what he is saying (very small or has some additional needs) the fact that he thinks it's a joke is even more worrying.

I don't have teens so I can't say what I'd do but my gut reaction is a definite no to a lovely gig with dad!

Bet you're double pissed off now

Your dh is dick.

What's the point in grouding him if he still gets to go to prearranged events.

I think your dh is quite selfish. That's why he has taken him. Because he wants to go and he doesn't want to go alone.

I can't believe your ds thinks what he did is no big deal and your dh and reinforced this

Thanks everyone, I was starting to feel that I was the one being unreasonable and being a nasty stepmum. The other kids are shocked that he has gone. DH could have taken one of them instead.

I agree MrsBobDylan this is going to happen again.

Give the other ticket away to a mate and your DH can go with them. It will teach your DS that bad / unacceptable behaviour has consequences.

No way on this planet my DS would have been going to a concert after that kind of behaviour I'm afraid.

The treat and the incidents are completely unrelated. You treat your children because you love them and enjoy spending time with them. Has this changed?

If you are punishing him separately then he doesn't need the additional punishment. Its unfortunate that it has fallen on the very night you found out but if you have been looking forward to it for weeks then I don't think its fair to take it away. Unless you said 'you can go to the gig if you're good'.

This is why I also dislike father Christmas being used as a bribe. Children do not get presents because they're good. They get presents because present giving is nice.

Dont get me wrong, he needs a serious punishment. But I think over punishing is as damaging as under. May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb right? So maybe next time he'll punch him whilst verbally abusing him.

Take his exclusion time to talk this over with him - again and again and again. This is far more important and will have more lasting impact than being grounded.

So he isn't actually your DS but he is your step son?

Does he live with you both full time?

I agree with wellthen

HackerFucker22 He lives with us full time, and has done for the past 10 years. I would have felt the same if it had been any of the other kids.

Wellthen interesting to see there is another viewpoint. Maybe if he had been sorry I would agree, but there is no remorse and he refused to apologise at school when asked to.

Gosh, yes, I can't believe they've gone.

The fact that he has refused to apologise, shows no remorse and thinks he's done nothing wrong, would be enough for me to say he shouldn't have gone tonight. If he's shown remorse and been sorry then I probably would have let him go as he's getting other punishments.