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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let DS go out for a treat when he has behaved badly.

118 replies

BlueBlueSea · 13/11/2015 17:24

The school phoned today to say that DS (14) is going into isolation next week due to bullying and racist behaviour.

DH and I are furious, he has been told off, grounded and banned from screen time for a week. He will also apologise to those concerned.

DH had bought tickets to take him to a gig this evening, they have been looking forward to it for weeks. I said he should not take him, that it was mixed messages if he gets told off, given a punishment and then taken out for a treat. DH disagrees and says the tickets were expensive and it would be a waste, and he will make sure he does not enjoy it too much. My view it that they have been paid for and the money spent so going or not cost the same and that DH could go on his own.

Am I being overly harsh?

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 14/11/2015 05:50

It is a time for treading gently, despite the obserd and unacceptable behaviour they exibit on occasion.

Yes let's all walk on eggshells around the little darlings, that'll help em grow into sensible adults.

BigChocFrenzy · 14/11/2015 07:45

So the victim is likely to hear how his abuser was treated to a lovely gig with his dad.
If I was the parent of the victim, that would be the final straw that would cause me to report the racist bullying to the police.
To wipe the smirk off the bully's face and hope that had some more longterm consequences for him, maybe when applying for uni, or for certain jobs.

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 07:55

If I was the victims parent, I would certainly be considering going to the police about racist bullying.

To act like he is better then everyone else he must have long term self confidence issues. I would come down hard on the racist bulling but try to work on his general self worth. Is he good at anything OP? You say he's not academic?

DoreenLethal · 14/11/2015 08:26

He should have said "I don't want to share my time with someone who shows no remorse over racist bullying"

No - he should have said 'I didn't know I'd raised a racist bully so as a result of my bad parenting and your bad behaviour we are giving our tickets to the victim and neither of us are going, and we will spend the evening discussing racism and bullying and where we go from here'.

lunar1 · 14/11/2015 08:31

I'm not surprised you are cross with your dh, what on earth does that say to the victim.

Penfold007 · 14/11/2015 08:39

Your H has just made it very clear to you and your stepson that you have no say in parenting him. I would be giving that a lot of thought.

roundtable · 14/11/2015 08:41

You can see why the teaching threads exist about pupil behaviour when you read threads like this.

YANBU OP

Some people really are blinkered when it comes to their dc. Exasperating.

ladymariner · 14/11/2015 08:45

So the victim is likely to hear how his abuser was treated to a lovely gig with his dad.
If I was the parent of the victim, that would be the final straw that would cause me to report the racist bullying to the police.
To wipe the smirk off the bully's face and hope that had some more longterm consequences for him, maybe when applying for uni, or for certain jobs.

^ this

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/11/2015 08:45

YANBU, OP. Your husband has totally failed to back up the school on this. And he's taught your son nothing except "it's okay to be a racist bully - school might tell you off but it doesn't matter because at home you still get to go to gigs and have no repercussions!"

DoreenLethal · 14/11/2015 08:57

He's being punished at school. Isn't that usually the stance on here? No double punishments?

And you really think a school is responsible for all the parenting mistakes that turn out a polished racist bully?

Parents are the ones that should instil common decency, the more they offload onto the schools the worse the problem.

IguanaTail · 14/11/2015 09:29

There is no waaaaaay his dad would ever aportion any blame to himself for any of this - in all likelihood he shared a little eye-roll with his son about how people can't take a joke and how step-mum is trying to spoil their fun. Far easier to side with your child and just focus on having a good time than to challenge bad behaviour.

JoySzasz · 14/11/2015 10:13

I don't expect you to say here what your step son said, but if they are friends - surely there is more to the story?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 14/11/2015 10:25

I read it that the bullied DC was friends with one of OP's other DCs (not with DSS).

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2015 10:26

It would be interesting to hear what your DH's response would be on Monday if after rubbing his victim's nose in the fact that he still went to a concert he came home with a broken nose and a black eye.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 14/11/2015 10:27

I can't believe how many parents think its OK for an unrepentant racist bully to get a big treat like that on the very same day....no wonder there are so many arrogant little emperors and thugs, if that's how their parents behave. Or maybe they're just too lazy to discipline properly, leave it to the school indeed! Wtf?

Op of course you are completely correct, noone with half a brain could disagree. In your shoes I'd be worried about how much worse the kid is going to get,and why your dh takes no notice about your parenting input. That's a big mess you've got there.

JoySzasz · 14/11/2015 10:35

Oh okay, thank you aplace

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 10:52

I can believe what I read here.

The school is not the only place a child should be punished or behaviour like this. That's why they call the parents.

But with the 'let the school deal with it and not effect the poor dear at home' attitude I have seen on here, there is no wonder that schools feel their hands are tied when dealing with bullying.

PolterGoose · 14/11/2015 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 11:27

polter I disagree.

Dd was a victim of horrendous bullying. If the boy had have actually been punished it would have made dd feel better. I can promise you that.

What didn't make her feel better was the 'oh well let's not punish him too much let's talk about our feelings' road that the school and his parents took.

A lot of victims feel better knowing an actual punishment has been handed out. That there are consequences.

Every victim is different. You can not say 'this doesn't make victims feel better'. They aren't a hive with one mind.

Some Kid do learn to try and not get caught. Most then learn....you still get caught.

IguanaTail · 14/11/2015 11:28

Sometimes when you ring home to parents about an issue like this, they just say "what are YOU going to do about it?" Or "well he's fine at home" or just a sigh "ok I'll have a re but he's just a bit stroppy at the moment".

IguanaTail · 14/11/2015 11:29

*a word

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 14/11/2015 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sooperdooper · 14/11/2015 11:52

I completely agree with the OP, and I'd be livid with DH in this situation, he's effectively supporting your DSs racist bullying by having taken him to the gig.

Appalled at some of the views on here of people who think its not serious enough to have warranted punishment outside of school as well as inside - maybe next time the police won't take such a sympathetic view because if I was the bullied childs parents and it happened again knowing the father wasnt backing the school that's exactly where it would be escalated

LyndaNotLinda · 14/11/2015 12:04

It's not punishment, it's consequences.

If he were older, he would have been prosecuted as others have said. If it was in the workplace, he would have been sacked.

Aren't those punishments? Confused

DixieNormas · 14/11/2015 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.