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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let DS go out for a treat when he has behaved badly.

118 replies

BlueBlueSea · 13/11/2015 17:24

The school phoned today to say that DS (14) is going into isolation next week due to bullying and racist behaviour.

DH and I are furious, he has been told off, grounded and banned from screen time for a week. He will also apologise to those concerned.

DH had bought tickets to take him to a gig this evening, they have been looking forward to it for weeks. I said he should not take him, that it was mixed messages if he gets told off, given a punishment and then taken out for a treat. DH disagrees and says the tickets were expensive and it would be a waste, and he will make sure he does not enjoy it too much. My view it that they have been paid for and the money spent so going or not cost the same and that DH could go on his own.

Am I being overly harsh?

OP posts:

LyndaNotLinda · 13/11/2015 21:32

I probably wouldn't feel like going to the gig either. I'd be too ashamed and upset

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/11/2015 21:33

Society is in the process of making the softest, most immature and incapable adults I've ever known. Half the attitudes here are suited to toddlers, not to young adults who are accountable for their actions!

BigChocFrenzy · 13/11/2015 21:38

Over-punishing is different from rewarding.

It is particularly bad to indulge and reward him when he shows no remorse and doesn't accept he was wrong.
This tells him racism and bullying are not that serious, because normal life can go on.

I agree the DH was considering only himself and his pleasure; he signalled that having this special outing together was more important to him than his son being a racist bully.
More important than the hurt to his victims.

In a few years time, this boy could face criminal charges for such behaviour, or be expelled from Uni or sacked from a job.
Better he learns now and avoids a criminal record.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 13/11/2015 21:41

I don't see this as over punishing.

You get a detention for talking in class - fine - no follow-up at home needed.
You lose break because there was some pushing in the playground - ditto.

You participated in racist bullying which means there was more than one incident then you refused to apologise and still won't accept you did anything wrong?
Well, the school's response hasn't worked because you're still not taking responsibility and you don't leave those attitudes at the school gate hence parents have to deal with it too.

LyndaNotLinda · 13/11/2015 21:46

Anyway, you said he was grounded. When does that start? When it's convenient to your husband?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 13/11/2015 21:50

I can't help but think how this will look to the victim of his bullying too because its likely OP's DS will talk about the gig at school.

Brocklady · 13/11/2015 21:57

There are a few possibilities - firstly, I can quite see how let him go to the event would elicit further anger, defiance and rebellion, resulting in sullen and withdrawn behaviour for some time.

It is also possible that some one to one time with his dad could lead to opening up and getting to the bottom of this. I can't agree that definitely not letting him go is the right answer then.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/11/2015 22:16

So, pander to a racist bully and let him enjoy a special outing, in case his feelings get hurt.
Never mind about the feelings of his victim, who'll probably hear the boasting about this gig; who'll think the whole family is rallying around their abuser.
I was racially abused in school. I felt lower than shit and didn't want to attend school. Like the victim here, probably

I agree you maybe shouldn't cancel an outing for normal school misdemeanours, but this wasn't forgetting his homework, or not wearing his school blazer.

Original poster

BlueBlueSea · 13/11/2015 22:24

Thank you for all the responses.

I still feel that he should not have been taken out for the gig tonight. As pp have said, he was told off and then told to get changed to go out. Mixed message. He is supposed to have other activities this weekend cancelled, not sure that will happen. I have made my views clear, I will now step away and let his father deal with it.

The victim will know he has been out, as he is friends with one of my dc, which I did not know earlier.

OP posts:

BrianButterfield · 13/11/2015 22:26

I wouldn't let him go, and as a teacher I would (privately) eye-roll if I found out a child who had been in this amount of trouble had been taken out for a treat that evening! Spending time with his dad is important but timing is everything. It's not over-punishing - it's natural consequences. Going into isolation isn't getting a detention. It's quite a big deal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2015 22:27

I wouldn't have seen it as a punishment, even. i would have seen it as an opportunity to say, "I can't believe this, I'm too shocked to behave in a normal way, I have to process this so we won't be going out". Behaving 'normally' after such an incident is very strange.

Add to that no remorse and the victim hearing that he has been treated...

Chillyegg · 13/11/2015 22:35

I think you should point out to yourDH and son that racist bullying is illegal. And he's lucky he's being isolated so to stop all this aww I'm a special little snow flake crap not treat him to gigs and let the lad learn that consequences happen when someone is racist.

IguanaTail · 13/11/2015 22:36

There were other options with those tickets. He could have given them to the victim, or taken a friend, or sold them to someone else.

He could have bought tickets for another gig for him for Christmas.

Taking him out for a lovely treat on the night when he had been unremorseful over racist bullying is pretty stupid in my opinion. Suggesting that he will make sure he doesn't have that nice a time is ridiculous. "Come on son, let's go and have a reasonable time".

He won't learn from this because he is getting mixed messages.

IguanaTail · 13/11/2015 22:38

He should have said "I don't want to share my time with someone who shows no remorse over racist bullying".

DoreenLethal · 13/11/2015 22:44

Does your husband not understand what 'grounded' means?

IguanaTail · 13/11/2015 22:50

I think suggest to your husband that he makes him a certificate perhaps and buy him some sweets. Why stop at a great gig? How about a shopping spree?

mrtwitsglasseye · 13/11/2015 22:51

I wouldn't have let him go and neither would my dh. There is very little that would make me cancel a planned treat like that. I'd usually have a separate consequence and take the view that the one to one bonding time might go some way to improving the child's behaviour long term. But in this case, I would want to give a strong message that the behaviour was completely unacceotable and in DH's shoes would have told him that I didn't want to spend my evening with a racist bully. I'd have let him know how sad it made me to miss the special time together and let him carry the weight of that too.

woodlands01 · 13/11/2015 22:57

If my child did anything to warrant isolation in school I would be down on them like a ton of bricks. 'Treading carefully' is not an option with a teenager who is likely to be clever enough to manipulate the situation. Rules, boundaries and punishments are necessary. Punishment in school is not enough - it needs to be followed up at home and the seriousness emphasised. Racist bullying IS illegal as one poster pointed out - I thought any racist incident had to be reported to the LEA and is therefore on the child's record for good. I am a teacher and deal with teenagers every day. Some of the comments on here explain why children think they can act as they can. They are actually spoilt and over-protected which comes across as arrogance, not a nice trait in a child (or adult for that matter).

IguanaTail · 13/11/2015 23:37

It depends on the LA. Some require it, others don't but require the school to have a formal log of it, and for every single report.

hampsterdam · 13/11/2015 23:42

Well the meaning of grounding must have changed since I was a kid. Your dh has undermined you massively here.

GoblinLittleOwl · 14/11/2015 00:33

Translated this means your husband wants to go to the concert and doesn't think his son's behaviour is serious enough to warrant him taking taking any action, too much trouble. Poor type.

passion4pno · 14/11/2015 01:37

It's a hard call that one; on the one hand you don't want to waste your money, but I lc see where you are coming from. I would have tried to give the tickets away to someone and make sure he didn't go. I think it can send moreixed messages.

DixieNormas · 14/11/2015 04:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/11/2015 04:55

I utterly disagree with Wellthen. Going to a gig after twatty racist behaviour? Not a bloody chance.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/11/2015 05:06

'Cannot understand how stopping a teenager going to a concert because they were racist and bullying could ever be construed as over punishing.'

Me either. And as for people who say they leave punishment to the school alone......

Christ almighty.

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