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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let DS go out for a treat when he has behaved badly.

118 replies

BlueBlueSea · 13/11/2015 17:24

The school phoned today to say that DS (14) is going into isolation next week due to bullying and racist behaviour.

DH and I are furious, he has been told off, grounded and banned from screen time for a week. He will also apologise to those concerned.

DH had bought tickets to take him to a gig this evening, they have been looking forward to it for weeks. I said he should not take him, that it was mixed messages if he gets told off, given a punishment and then taken out for a treat. DH disagrees and says the tickets were expensive and it would be a waste, and he will make sure he does not enjoy it too much. My view it that they have been paid for and the money spent so going or not cost the same and that DH could go on his own.

Am I being overly harsh?

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueBlueSea · 14/11/2015 14:26

I have not seen DSS this morning. DH is in a foul mood, they had a miserable time and DSS was sulky and still would not accept that he had done anything wrong. DH feels really bad about it but does not think keeping him at home last night would have helped.

We are not leaving it to the school to punish, and there are other punishments/consequences in place.

I still feel strongly that the wrong message was sent by taking him out. There are issues and complications in the back story. However, I do not feel they make any difference, he did something wrong, got shouted at and some sanctions made then went off out to dinner and a gig.

I posted just to see if I was on my own in being shocked that DH still took him out.

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 14:31

DH feels really bad about it but does not think keeping him at home last night would have helped.

Taking him out didn't help either.

Don't know what to suggest OP. I agree with how you are handling it. But if dh is over ruling you not sure what you can do, short of losing your shit with dh

IguanaTail · 14/11/2015 16:03

Your DH is in a foul mood because he knows he did the wrong thing.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/11/2015 16:24

Yeah, I agree your DH is grumpy because he did the wrong thing.

He needs to get over that, though, and come down on DS like a ton of bricks.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2015 16:28

DH is in a foul mood, they had a miserable time and DSS was sulky Good and still would not accept that he had done anything wrong Very bad.

KeepOnMoving1 · 14/11/2015 16:29

I'm shocked at your dh's approach to this whole situation. Does he realize in a few years this 14yo could be a racist, violent thug the one we read stories about. As it is this boy has no inkling how seriously wrong his behaviour is, his own father is condoning it. He's going to have a bigger problem on his hands in a few years time.

OddlyLogical · 14/11/2015 17:13

I agree with wellthen

If you had a holiday booked due to leave today, would it be reasonable to cancel that too, or leave him at home as punishment?
What if the concert was next month - should it still be cancelled?
It's a coincidence that this incident has happened on the day of the concert.

There needs to be clear consequences for his behaviour, but that doesn't mean that you don't still love him and want to spend time together.
He obviously has some issues that need dealing with. There's something causing this behaviour that you really need to get to the bottom of. Spending time together with his dad should be a good opportunity to get him to talk and try to find more about what is going on. Just punishing him will not stop this kind of behaviour.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/11/2015 17:32

There needs to be clear consequences for his behaviour, but that doesn't mean that you don't still love him and want to spend time together.

That is such wussy nonsense. Seriously it makes me cringe. That kind of wishy washy parenting is what you use on toddlers, not teenagers with an attitude problem.

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 17:35

That is such wussy nonsense. Seriously it makes me cringe. That kind of wishy washy parenting is what you use on toddlers, not teenagers with an attitude problem.

I agree with this 100%

He obviously has some issues that need dealing with.

quite possibly he does. However that doesn't excuse him of his behaviour or give him a get out on the consequences.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2015 17:53

If you had a holiday booked due to leave today, would it be reasonable to cancel that too, or leave him at home as punishment? Straw man. A holiday would be difficult to cancel, can't leave him behind etc. A concert? Cancel away.

OddlyLogical · 14/11/2015 17:54

quite possibly he does. However that doesn't excuse him of his behaviour or give him a get out on the consequences.
Of course it doesn't excuse his behaviour or get him out of the consequences, but getting to the bottom of the problem is FAR more likely to prevent a repeat occurrence.
Consequences AND time together in a way that encourages him to open up and talk. What is going on that has caused this behaviour? If you don't get to that, don't expect it to stop.

OddlyLogical · 14/11/2015 17:55

A holiday is no more difficult to cancel than a concert. You just don't go.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/11/2015 17:56

'Spending time together with his dad should be a good opportunity to get him to talk and try to find more about what is going on. Just punishing him will not stop this kind of behaviour.'

And look how it worked out.......

The OP said 'DH is in a foul mood, they had a miserable time and DSS was sulky and still would not accept that he had done anything wrong.'

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/11/2015 17:58

OddlyLogical
"Of course it doesn't excuse his behaviour or get him out of the consequences, but getting to the bottom of the problem is FAR more likely to prevent a repeat occurrence."

He won't admit that he has done anything wrong, So there is a high probability that he will do exactly the same again.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/11/2015 17:58

Holidays are different, though. Why should the whole family miss out?

MySordidCakeSecret · 14/11/2015 17:59

no way in hell if he was mine.

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 18:02

OP I don't think I could cook or clean for a racist. There's no way I would be spending anytime with or helping a racist

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 18:05

but getting to the bottom of the problem is FAR more likely to prevent a repeat occurrence.Consequences AND time together in a way that encourages him to open up and talk. What is going on that has caused this behaviour? If you don't get to that, don't expect it to stop.

Nothing that is going be on is an excuse for being racist and then not even think you have done something wrong.

All the talking in the world will not excuse it and even if there is a huge revelation that makes it a tad more understandable, it's still wrong and still has consequences.

Also lets have a look. Dh and ds went out....did it help the situation. Is the ds now remorseful?

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