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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let DS go out for a treat when he has behaved badly.

118 replies

BlueBlueSea · 13/11/2015 17:24

The school phoned today to say that DS (14) is going into isolation next week due to bullying and racist behaviour.

DH and I are furious, he has been told off, grounded and banned from screen time for a week. He will also apologise to those concerned.

DH had bought tickets to take him to a gig this evening, they have been looking forward to it for weeks. I said he should not take him, that it was mixed messages if he gets told off, given a punishment and then taken out for a treat. DH disagrees and says the tickets were expensive and it would be a waste, and he will make sure he does not enjoy it too much. My view it that they have been paid for and the money spent so going or not cost the same and that DH could go on his own.

Am I being overly harsh?

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 13/11/2015 19:10

I totally agree with wellthen.

Sunnyminimalist2 · 13/11/2015 19:14

I wouldn't have taken him particularly in the light of him not caring. I would have backed the school.

Sunnyminimalist2 · 13/11/2015 19:14

The lack of remorse is worrying

PolterGoose · 13/11/2015 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 13/11/2015 19:19

YANBU.

Your DH isn't acting like he is furious about the behaviour. He's sending the opposite message and undermining your 'consequences' - your DS has hardly been grounded when he's away to a concert. It's a rubbish message to give all your DCs. Do you often have a completely different approach to parenting, discipline and responsibility?

DimlowChips · 13/11/2015 19:22

Ive just read the OP out to my DH to ask what he would do in this situation. His response was 'hell no, he wouldn't be going!'

YANBU

pointythings · 13/11/2015 19:25

YANBU, your DH is undermining you and the school. Not going to the gig would not have been 'extra punishment' but a logical consequence for truly appalling behaviour. I wouldn't be impressed with my DH if he's pulled anything like this and if either of my DDs had behaved like this they would have been in very serious trouble.

BertieBotts · 13/11/2015 19:38

Hmm, true, excessive punishment doesn't foster remorse, so from that angle perhaps it makes sense to treat as separate things.

Is it that the term he used is in common parlance among his peer group and he thinks all of the adults are being hopelessly out of touch for finding it offensive? And he thinks that the verbal abuse was "banter" and again adults hopelessly out of touch? Or is it that his intention was to offend and he is acting tough?

anotherbloomingusername · 13/11/2015 19:40

I'm with flumplet. The tickets would have been handed over to the person he had been bullying. But then I have been told this week that I am the meanest mother in the world.

cestlavielife · 13/11/2015 19:43

Surely it isn't a one off behavipur ? What's been going on ?

I agree that tickets bought etc and punishment is at school but there has to be more to it. Whats the back story? Out of character or pattern of behaviourr ? Bullies have issues that need to be addressed.....

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/11/2015 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 13/11/2015 19:57

I don't believe in excessive punishment or carrying punishments over for actions at school but racism and bullying are about attitudes as much as actions. That is why I would have been re-inforcing that his attitude was unacceptable not rewarding it. Because he hasn't shown any understanding that his attitude is wrong.

londonrach · 13/11/2015 19:58

Dh takes a friend rather than ds. Yanbu op

BigChocFrenzy · 13/11/2015 20:01

So he'll go into school on Monday and boast about the great time he had at the gig with his dad.
That'll really show the school - and your DS - how seriously his dad considers racist bullying.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/11/2015 20:06

Yanbu. No doubt someone will be along soon to tell you yabu because your his step mum. It's irrelevant. He was racist and bullying, he needs to be taught that it's completely unacceptable and that there are consequences.

Please ignore this The treat and the incidents are completely unrelated. You treat your children because you love them and enjoy spending time with them. Has this changed? peace&love shit. It's crap. Applies to a three year old, not a teenager who understands that there are consequences for bad behaviour.

Original poster
BlueBlueSea · 13/11/2015 20:22

Six months ago I would have said this is out of character. I do think that he meant it as a joke (he is not the brightest of kids and does have slight issues with social relationships) but the arrogance of insisting he did nothing wrong and not seeing the other persons view is very worrying.

There have been a few other occasions where he has acted as if he is better than everyone else. My other kids go the the same school and they have come home hearing about it from other people. There was no provocation, he was also given the chance to apologise before the other child reported it, he refused.

About 7 years ago, DS 1 did something similar at school. exDH and I came down on him like a ton of bricks. He almost had Xmas cancelled. We felt this behaviour was totally unacceptable. After two weeks of grounding and no screen time, we stopped the punishments, we never had a repeat of the behaviour.

OP posts:
iMatter · 13/11/2015 20:51

Please feel free to shoot me down in flames but I think your dh's decision was an appalling act of selfishness.

He wanted to go to this thing this evening and nothing was going to stop him, even if it meant effectively condoning ds's behaviour.

Good luck going forward op.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/11/2015 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury · 13/11/2015 20:55

He's being punished at school. Isn't that usually the stance on here? No double punishments?

I think you should let him go and have time with his Dad and his. dad can use the time travelling there or when they get something to eat to talk to him about what's gone on.

LyndaNotLinda · 13/11/2015 20:58

I wouldn't want to look at my son if he'd been excluded from school for racist bullying, much less go out to a gig with him.

It's not about punishment - he's old enough to understand it's completely unacceptable behaviour. But that's not what his dad's told him. He's told him that's absolutely fine.

I'm really appalled by some of the responses on this thread

NickiFury · 13/11/2015 21:02

I think wellthen has it spot on. My parents were horrendous over punishers and I don't think our relationship has ever recovered. I think missing the gig would make him even more angry and defiant and shut down communication. Dealing with and punishing a teenager is different from a primary school aged child. I think some posters on here don't realise that.

MrsHenryCrawford · 13/11/2015 21:09

I also agree with wellthen. Over punishing will just shut him off from you

JoySzasz · 13/11/2015 21:10

Exactly Nicki
I also think many parents are unaware of what their teens actually get up to.
It is a time for treading gently, despite the obserd and unacceptable behaviour they exibit on occasion.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/11/2015 21:30

Cannot understand how stopping a teenager going to a concert because they were racist and bullying could ever be construed as over punishing. Hmm

'You were bullying someone and you were racist?! I'm disgusted at your behaviour. It is completely inexcusable! Now go get changed out of your uniform and we'll go to the concert I treated you to tickets for.'

Fucking pathetic that anyone might think taking him to the concert is the way to go. Although, I suppose all teenagers are ever so sensitive, we better not mess them up by showing them there are consequences.

LyndaNotLinda · 13/11/2015 21:30

It's not punishing. It's not wanting to spend the evening with someone who's a racist bully.

Why are people treating this like he's just been a bit naughty? Confused