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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Embarrassed about moody 'd'H

79 replies

Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:31

First post having lurked for a while. Concerns my husband. We have no children yet.

Background. Married a year, been living in Manchester for 5 years and have just bought a house in Surrey where we're both originally from. Got the keys 2 weeks ago and in that time my parents who live about 7 miles away have been incredible. So much so that I'm embarrassed to disclose all this but it's important to my point (and I'm fuming). They paid our stamp duty and legal fees (paid also for all of our wedding last year) and also took us on a £1000 spending spree last week to buy bits for the house and have offered to pay for our sofa which is being delivered in 2 weeks. My mum happens to be a brilliant decorator (I'm not being biased) and is currently re painting our house every single day. Added to that, my dad (a builder) has spent the past 2 days building us stunning fitted wardrobes. We are living with my parents until the weekend which is helpful as our bed hasn't been delivered yet. Mum cooks for us and is just all round superwoman.

My problem is my DH. He has a tendency to occasionally be 'in a mood' and he's been very moody today. So much so that it's like he is sucking the joy out of everything. My mum is not one to meddle (I cannot stress this enough) and even she said, "would you prefer if we left you to it". I was mortified because I know what she's getting at. When my parents left earlier my husband didn't even come in from the garden (which he's working on) to say bye. I was pretty gutted. He brought in some shopping with earlier and bought me flowers, would it have killed him to bring some for my mum too? Maybe I'm overreacting but I'm watching his joyless (that's what I nicknamed him earlier) face from the window and have visions of attacking him I'm so angry.

As background - he's a nice person believe it or not from this post. He just tends to have the occasional bad mood and inflicts it on everyone. I come from a family who are pretty cheerful most of the time and wouldn't dream of doing this to each other. His mood is very noticeable and I'm so embarrassed.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2015 16:34

Yanbu at all, I would sit down with him, and talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel. Mabey he feels that your parents are taking over, and because they are skilled, he feels a bit inadequate. I am not sure.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 13/11/2015 16:36

It sounds like your parents are very involved in your lives. Which sounds wonderful for you and them but may not be for him. But he feels like he can't say as it would sound ungrateful.

Willynutsax · 13/11/2015 16:36

I have to say I think your mum and dad are very restrained not calling him a miserable, ungrateful cunt.
I'm not sure I'd have their resolve if I'd spent that ridiculous amount of money and put myself out that much for someone who couldn't even crack a smile or come out to say 'bye'.

RiverTam · 13/11/2015 16:40

Sounds like he could find your mum's involvement a bit mych. I can imagine that he feels a bit redundant right now. Mum is 'superwoman' and he's 'joyless'. That must feel great moving into what should be his as much as your new home.

If I was him I would be worried about the future living so close to your parents, in a house part funded by them and decorated by them.

I think your mum was rught, she should leave you (plural) to it.

VimFuego101 · 13/11/2015 16:40

Maybe he is unhappy with their level of input, or embarrassed that his own parents didn't contribute anything? but if that's the case, he should have politely declined their help rather than accept it and then sit around with a face like a slapped backside.

NoodleNuts · 13/11/2015 16:40

Perhaps he's feeling a bit pushed out? Your mum and dad have paid for your wedding. paid your stamp duty and legal fees, paid for £1000 worth of bits and bobs, bought you a sofa, decorated your entire house and built you fitted wardrobes.

Its very kind of them but if I was your DH, I think I would feel a bit surplus to requirements and would prefer them to back off a bit.

Original poster
Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:40

Thanks for your replies. I wouldn't mind but he was the one who asked them if they'd be willing to do this for us before we moved in. I cannot emphasise enough that they do not impose themselves on us. I just feel like he's spoiled it. My parents aren't loaded but they are very generous. They could be spending their money (and time) on themselves but choose not to.

The problem is that he's lazy and naturally a bit of a winger. Can't be bothered to do the work himself and needs a shit load of praise when he does. He's a 30 year old man.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/11/2015 16:42

Is he OK with them having done & paid for so much?

Perhaps he's thinking that they'll feel that they can just pop in when they like?

Your mum may not meddle, but maybe he's just had enough of her being there!

It sounds as if you are either all at yours or all at theirs!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/11/2015 16:45

Firstly, don't be embarrassed. That's you taking responsibility for his mood.

Secondly, how come you are getting angry but haven't mentioned it to him at all? Are you scared of his moods? Do you "manage" his moods?

Thirdly, don't pretend everything is fine or make excuses for him "I don't know what's got into him mum. He's being a right moody bugger! I am so angry with him."

I would be extremely blunt in this situation. I'd be storming up to him. "DH, you are being appallingly rude to our hosts, my parents. It is totally unacceptable to inflict your own bad moods on other people. Go out for a walk or something until you are ready to behave properly."

diddl · 13/11/2015 16:45

"The problem is that he's lazy and naturally a bit of a winger. Can't be bothered to do the work himself and needs a shit load of praise when he does."

Good grief!

Original poster
Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:45

It's for 2 weeks and then we'll go back to our normal lives of seeing mates, getting on with our normal lives and seeing my parents once a month. Whatever happened to people being grateful for some (very good) help which will enable you to get settled quicker?! He freely admits that he hates painting. He chose the sofas and was more than happy to accept the money for them. In my opinion he should just be cheery and polite like I would be with his parents. Or anyone else for that matter.

OP posts:
annielouise · 13/11/2015 16:46

Did he ask them to pay for the wedding, stamp duty, legal fees, £1000 for bits and bobs for the house, for them to paint the house and also for your dad to make the fitted wardrobes or did they offer all these things as they're generous and want to look after you and he didn't feel he could say no? I think he might feel a bit "taken over". It's hard living with other people's family too for an extended time, not excusing rudeness.

Arfarfanarf · 13/11/2015 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Norest · 13/11/2015 16:46

Have you talked to him about his moodiness and how he behaves when he gets like that? Is he aware it is an issue? Because you say that you come from a very cheery family..what's his family like?

It's crappy behaviour...does he understand just how crappy it is? Could be he thinks he is just feeling a bit fed up and doesn't realise how badly he is coming across. It's possible anyway.

Wineandrosesagain · 13/11/2015 16:47

He just sounds bloody rude to be honest. All this "maybe he's feeling pushed out", "maybe he doesn't like the level of their input" FFS, he needs to grow up and put on a grateful face. I really dislike people who take help/money from others then resent them because they feel shown-up. twat.

Original poster
Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:48

Thanks run rabbit. This sums up my feelings perfectly.

As soon as he gets in from the garden I'm having it out with him. He comes from quite a 'moody' family and I have told him in the past that I do not tolerate this behaviour. He will apologise and be v pleasant tonight but the damage has been done and I will tell him that

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/11/2015 16:49

X-post.

I just read your update.

If I were you I would tell your parents to down tools until he does more work than them on his house and apologises for being a tit.

I hope you are using contraception. This bloke will be a nightmare if you have DC. You've got yourself a moody lazy manchild haven't you? Oh dear. Good job you've moved to near your parents.

Original poster
Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:49

Wineandroses you have hit the nail on the head. THIS is exactly what has happened here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:51

Runrabbit. Yes you are right. He is a bit of a spoiled brat. This is his only fault. I can promise you I'm not a pushover or a mug. But this trait tips me over the edge when he acts in the way.

OP posts:
Binkybix · 13/11/2015 16:52

How do you know his bad mood is connected to your parents being there? Is it a bad mood that lasts for a bit then passes, or does he have moods that last some time?

diddl · 13/11/2015 16:52

He should definitely apologise to your parents & thank them for all that they have done.

You say that your family are cheery & his moody.

Maybe he finds yourfamily a bit much after a while.

That doesn't excuse rudeness though.

LucilleBluth · 13/11/2015 16:53

Bloody mumsnet! Reverse the genders here. He's probably sick to death of your parents. I'm not saying this is right or wrong btw.

Original poster
Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:54

Binkybix he is the type to have a bad moody sometimes for "no reason". They last a couple of hours then pass. If he's a bit tired, he'll be moody rather than just getting on with it.

Diddl - they aren't moody as such, just a bit serious

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 13/11/2015 16:56

he was the one who asked them if they'd be willing to do this for us before we moved in.

Some posters seem to have missed this. Your DH sounds like a total arse.

WoodHeaven · 13/11/2015 16:56

Yep. And also if you have an issue with someone helping/giving you money/buying stuff for you, you just say so like an adult.
You don't say nothing, get grumpy, accept whatever is offered but be in a mood because you didn't want it.

Acceptiing gifts and then be rude like this is not acceptable imo.