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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Embarrassed about moody 'd'H

79 replies

Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:31

First post having lurked for a while. Concerns my husband. We have no children yet.

Background. Married a year, been living in Manchester for 5 years and have just bought a house in Surrey where we're both originally from. Got the keys 2 weeks ago and in that time my parents who live about 7 miles away have been incredible. So much so that I'm embarrassed to disclose all this but it's important to my point (and I'm fuming). They paid our stamp duty and legal fees (paid also for all of our wedding last year) and also took us on a £1000 spending spree last week to buy bits for the house and have offered to pay for our sofa which is being delivered in 2 weeks. My mum happens to be a brilliant decorator (I'm not being biased) and is currently re painting our house every single day. Added to that, my dad (a builder) has spent the past 2 days building us stunning fitted wardrobes. We are living with my parents until the weekend which is helpful as our bed hasn't been delivered yet. Mum cooks for us and is just all round superwoman.

My problem is my DH. He has a tendency to occasionally be 'in a mood' and he's been very moody today. So much so that it's like he is sucking the joy out of everything. My mum is not one to meddle (I cannot stress this enough) and even she said, "would you prefer if we left you to it". I was mortified because I know what she's getting at. When my parents left earlier my husband didn't even come in from the garden (which he's working on) to say bye. I was pretty gutted. He brought in some shopping with earlier and bought me flowers, would it have killed him to bring some for my mum too? Maybe I'm overreacting but I'm watching his joyless (that's what I nicknamed him earlier) face from the window and have visions of attacking him I'm so angry.

As background - he's a nice person believe it or not from this post. He just tends to have the occasional bad mood and inflicts it on everyone. I come from a family who are pretty cheerful most of the time and wouldn't dream of doing this to each other. His mood is very noticeable and I'm so embarrassed.

Wwyd?

OP posts:

HesterShaw · 13/11/2015 17:45

Maybe he is unhappy with their level of input, or embarrassed that his own parents didn't contribute anything?

This.

Not saying it is a proper excuse for his rudeness by the way. And, forgive me, I'd feel a bit embarrassed as a grown woman to be accepting that much help from my parents.

HesterShaw · 13/11/2015 17:48

He is behaving like this because on some level, he thinks you and your parents are not important enough to behave respectfully towards.

And this too.

When my DH occasionally acts this immaturely, I wipe the floor with him. As he does to me.

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/11/2015 17:53

Do people not read the OP's posts - her DH asked for help and everynight asks for an update on the 'plan of action' for tomorrow.

Sounds to me like he's happy for the unpaid labour but can't be arsed to be polite.

God I am way more polite than that to the builders I've got in at the moment and they're charging me £££

Lozza1990 · 13/11/2015 17:54

He does sound ungrateful, I'd put on a smile to just about anyone who helped me out like that, even if they did get on my tits. I'm guessing he doesn't have the same bond with his family, I would just urge you not to let your parents generosity stop you from making your next move they obviously love you a lot and remember they're doing all this because they want you to be happy. His attitude needs sorting, one way or another. Funny, cos I have the same issue with my boyfriend and his 'mood swings' then as soon as anyone other than me or his parents are around he paints a smile on! Bloody idiots, the lot of them!

Enjolrass · 13/11/2015 17:55

When it is unasked for, it is interfering
when it is asked for, some manners are required*

Yes but often the OP is moaning that her dh 'allows mil to interfere'.

expatinscotland · 13/11/2015 17:56

He's a fucking adult. He's in control of how he behaves (of course, someone will be on here in a mo to suggest the poor person is depressed or has autism). You shouldn't have to explain or dig for why he is acting like this.

He's a lazy whinger who is happy to accept this money and help because he cannot be arsed to do it himself.

You're on to a winner here. NOT.

Katedotness1963 · 13/11/2015 17:57

You and your parents are doing most of the work on your first home? I'd be feeling a bit shoved aside too.

My in-laws gave us a cheque when we got married. My mil took dh to the bank to open an account without me...

Too much in our marriage also.

Arfarfanarf · 13/11/2015 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/11/2015 17:59

The OP has stated her DH asked for help. If you take money and lots of practical help - you smile and say thank you.

Honestly, my DH can do the rude thing and it annoys me greatly. I was taught as a child that it doesn't matter if you've had a rubbish day or whatever - when dealing with other people you are polite. It is basic good manners.

I suspect OP's parents go home and don't exactly sing her DH's praises.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/11/2015 18:01

The time to get over feeling 'pushed out' was after your parents paid for part of your wedding, then stamp duty, and before they gave up more time and money to do up your house.

He sounds like a moody, ungrateful brat who has his nose out of joint, because even though he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't want it done for him either!

I'd be having a go at him.

Anastasie · 13/11/2015 18:01

Oh dear. I'm not sure what to say because my feelings about the man you are married to can only be described as damning, and I don't want to tell you to jack it in but honestly - he won't change no matter what you say to him. and you shouldn't be having to say it.

What a complete cock. Is this really who you want to be married to?

WHY?

annielouise · 13/11/2015 18:02

I just find it hard to believe the DH was the one that asked his in-laws can you make us fitted wardrobes and paint the house before we move in please? Where was the OP when he asked them that? Did she know he was going to ask that? Did he clear it with her? If she thought it fine for him to do that why wasn't she the one asking as they're her parents? If she wasn't fine with it why didn't she say my mum and dad have enough on their plate and it's too big a thing to ask.

He might be asking what's the plan of action for the next day but reading between the lines - and I could be well off the mark - he's fed up with the interference. Again, I'm not excusing rudeness.

I think the OP is used to having her parents do things for her. I think her parents love doing things for her and have more likely offered sincerely and generously so the DH accepted. I find it hard to believe out of the blue anyone would ask that of anyone that's not their own parents. Presumably your parents giving you all that money was an offer and also not asked for by your DH? What I'm reading is you sound fairly young have been helped loads by your parents and are used to this but he's finding it claustrophobic.

vgiraffe · 13/11/2015 18:04

Has he always been like this? Just to throw another possibility into the mix - could he be depressed? Sometimes that can come across as being grumpy or rude because people might not be sharing how they are feeling.

Maybe try asking him if everything is ok, because of the way he is acting. And if it is just his personality, that needs talking about too. I would suggest framing it in terms of his behaviour "when you don't say goodbye to my parents, it makes me upset because it seems that you don't appreciate their help" rather than about him as a person "you are so ungrateful" as this is likely to just get his defences up and make an adult conversation difficult.

As others have said, you need to get this sorted out (especially if you are thinking of starting a family together) as it's not really just about the situation with your parents.

HortonWho · 13/11/2015 18:05

What sort an entitled, top notch asshole do you need to be to act like this to your inlaws WHEN YOU ARE LIVING FOR FREE IN THEIR HOME!

Seriously, the only reason your parents don't kick him out is because they don't want to make your life difficult. I don't think allowing their son-in-law to treat them like the shit on his shoe is doing you any favours. You too will allow him to treat you as well.

Anastasie · 13/11/2015 18:12

Actually, thinking about it this does remind me of a very close friend of mine who married a bloke from a far less happy and wholesome background, who could be really sulky and kind of resented her parents, despite them being really lovely people.

I'm still not entirely sure what she saw in him but still. They stayed together for a long time, then got married, then they had two children, and they were living near her folks as his weren't really bothered, and her mum and dad helped out a lot.

When the children were 5 and 2, she got ill, and she died within a year, leaving her husband and children with the big house they had bought.

Obviously her parents were in bits and wanted to keep on seeing the children but her husband fell out with them as he thought they had interfered too much when she was ill, and after a couple of years he sold the house and moved away.

Losing her was awful; now they have pretty much lost touch with her kids, too.

I hope this doesn't sound overdramatic, and obviously it's very unlikely you will be taken from your family and so on but please do consider the bigger picture before having children with him. He sounds immature and a bit of a jerk and if he doesn't get on with your folks, it's not going to be easy or happy for anyone (as he will make sure it isn't)

I sense an element of jealousy and sabotage in this situation.

You have a lovely happy family; you are right, he is spoling it. And he knows he is, too.

Time to stand up for your folks I think. And consider your future as well.

AnyFucker · 13/11/2015 18:18

The problem is that he's lazy and naturally a bit of a winger. Can't be bothered to do the work himself and needs a shit load of praise when he does. He's a 30 year old man.

Why are you with him ?

Brioche201 · 13/11/2015 18:18

3 words
'The Little House'

annielouise · 13/11/2015 18:23

Also you say he chose the sofa. Why? Why when your parents have paid for it did he get to choose it without any input from you? Sorry, finding that a bit hard to swallow unless this is an abusive relationship and he's controlling you in which case why are you there?

AgentCooper · 13/11/2015 18:24

I get what you mean about having a moody DH who comes from a moody family, hiding. My family's not like that at all - if we have issues with each other we tend to shout and have it out then kiss and make up about 5 mins later. In DH's family, everything stews. Even the tiniest thing turns into people not speaking and a deluge of passive aggressive Facebook posts. It's actually fucking shameful and pathetic. There is no way I will let any children of mine behave like that.

If it helps at all, my DH used to be terrible for moods and not explaining why. He once threw me out of his flat because he thought I was making fun of him, but didn't explain that until later. Nowadays he's much better - his moods are not nearly as bad and if he does get a bit moody he apologises. He doesn't keep things bottled up so much anymore, which is so much healthier. This basically came about via me telling him I couldn't live like that or raise a family like that. He is basically a good, kind man with a big, compassionate heart. He just grew up surrounded by bad examples.

Your parents sound like diamonds, by the way.

prettywhiteguitar · 13/11/2015 18:28

This is really depressing, you got married last year !

Why are you putting up with his moods ?

peacefuleasyfeeling · 13/11/2015 18:49

Oh, OP, your posts make me weep into my stew pot. Seriously. I'm like you, from a cheerful, easy-going family where nobody would ever be so inconsiderate as to inflict their mood on anyone else. I can't actually imagine a member of my family in 'a mood'. Angry, yes. Sad, yes. Off colour, yes. Not moody.
With hindsight, when I met DP, I just didn't get his 'moods' as I hadn't ever come across anyone who was thus afflicted before. I think I just blanked them, not knowing what to do with them, thinking him a bit stupid and temperamentally disadvantaged, perhaps. Not in you face, no aggression or cross words, just distant and sullen and not bothering with basic social courtesy. But god, fast forward 15 years and I swear there are days when I see 'that face' and hate his guts. The moods aren't even that frequent but it doesn't improve with time, doesn't get easier to live with, and you'll be able to count into days and weeks those 'few hours' of moodiness all added up as the years go by. Time you'll never have again. You'll be surrounded by friends and family who stick around because they care for you and enjoy your company, and they bare with your DH although they have mentally noted that he is liable to be unpredictably moody, a bit like hard work. You'll be grateful.
Yes, of course there is more to DP (who has in the last few years been diagnosed with depression, although the moodiness has always been part of his make up): he is kind, generous, really funny, considerate, hell, he's even quite self-aware and reflective, and curious about and apologetic for his moods. But, he still indulges them and I hate it. Think long and hard and pay attention to how it actually makes you feel, because you'll be feeling like that again. And again.
Rant over.

Duckdeamon · 13/11/2015 19:04

Agree with the PP who questioned why HE would directly ask your parents to do and pay for/buy things for the two of you. Did he really?

Lazy, moody and expecting praise for things that he should just do: doesn't sound like he'd make a great father or partner if you had DC.

Oysterbabe · 13/11/2015 19:25

Clearly he is being a twat but in his shoes I would really, REALLY hate that much involvement from the in-laws in my new home.
He must feel like it's not really his, it's yours and your parents'. He's probably just realising what it'll be like with them round the corner too.
I wouldn't have accepted it though so he shouldn't be a dick about it now he has.

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2015 19:41

But, Oysterbabe, why doesn't he act like an adult and say, "Really, it's great what you've done for us, but we need to do the rest ourselves." He's too bloody idle to do that, isn't he? He doesn't want to do any of it himself!c
OP, moody people don't often change. I would hate to live with someone like that. Did you know that's what you were getting into when you got married? Don't you ever look at your mum and dad and wish you were married to someone cheerful and helpful and nice?

MiniCooperLover · 13/11/2015 19:53

I think you need to have a very serious conversation with your DH OP. Is he going to behave like this as well when you have kids and expect you to just put up with his moods or general rudeness? Because he's being rude. People saying maybe he's upset, didn't want that level of in-law assistance, then why didn't he say so? He's an adult, what stopped him? No, nothing, because he was happy to accept the financial assistance but hasn't got the manners to be gracious with it? Not good OP.

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