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AIBU?

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Original poster

Embarrassed about moody 'd'H

79 replies

Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:31

First post having lurked for a while. Concerns my husband. We have no children yet.

Background. Married a year, been living in Manchester for 5 years and have just bought a house in Surrey where we're both originally from. Got the keys 2 weeks ago and in that time my parents who live about 7 miles away have been incredible. So much so that I'm embarrassed to disclose all this but it's important to my point (and I'm fuming). They paid our stamp duty and legal fees (paid also for all of our wedding last year) and also took us on a £1000 spending spree last week to buy bits for the house and have offered to pay for our sofa which is being delivered in 2 weeks. My mum happens to be a brilliant decorator (I'm not being biased) and is currently re painting our house every single day. Added to that, my dad (a builder) has spent the past 2 days building us stunning fitted wardrobes. We are living with my parents until the weekend which is helpful as our bed hasn't been delivered yet. Mum cooks for us and is just all round superwoman.

My problem is my DH. He has a tendency to occasionally be 'in a mood' and he's been very moody today. So much so that it's like he is sucking the joy out of everything. My mum is not one to meddle (I cannot stress this enough) and even she said, "would you prefer if we left you to it". I was mortified because I know what she's getting at. When my parents left earlier my husband didn't even come in from the garden (which he's working on) to say bye. I was pretty gutted. He brought in some shopping with earlier and bought me flowers, would it have killed him to bring some for my mum too? Maybe I'm overreacting but I'm watching his joyless (that's what I nicknamed him earlier) face from the window and have visions of attacking him I'm so angry.

As background - he's a nice person believe it or not from this post. He just tends to have the occasional bad mood and inflicts it on everyone. I come from a family who are pretty cheerful most of the time and wouldn't dream of doing this to each other. His mood is very noticeable and I'm so embarrassed.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hidingbehindausername · 13/11/2015 16:57

Lucille - every night when we go back to their house, he enquires as to 'what the plan of action is tomorrow' he WANTS them to do it!!!!!!

OP posts:
AlwaysHope1 · 13/11/2015 17:00

Wow he sounds sp damn ungrateful. I don't blame you at all for being upset. Being appreciative is the least he could do after asking them to get involved. Guess you are learning a lot about his true colors!

CookieDoughKid · 13/11/2015 17:02

He sounds like my Dh. If not careful, the moods can get really bad after a while. You need to find out whats really the problem here so that can be addressed even if the bottom reason is that he is a selfish twat. When it happens to me, I pull him up on it every single time and it has in the past, caused massive blowups. He'd walked out of the room , screamed at me..all sorts. But it blows over and then it doesn't happen for ages. My dh is a good man but needs a good seeing to - talking some sense and blatant telling when he has crossed the line. Otherwise, you and your parents will get walked over and you'll forever hate him as well as yourself.

CookieDoughKid · 13/11/2015 17:03

I know more men like this than women, they get cranky and selfish as they got older and they think the world owes them one.

Arfarfanarf · 13/11/2015 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2015 17:04

Reading more, your dh sounds ungrateful and and an arse, I would be pulling him up on this.

firesidechat · 13/11/2015 17:07

Let's get this clear because I think it makes a huge difference, did he ask your parents for a financial contribution and to do all the decorating in your new house?

Beebar · 13/11/2015 17:07

Yanbu. Your dh sounds a wee bit emotionally immature.

molyholy · 13/11/2015 17:12

He sounds like an ungrateful brat. I would be embarrassed too. If my dh's parents had done all that yours have, I would be tripping over myself to show them how grateful I was. And yes, he should have bought your mum some flowers and also your dad some beers or whatever he likes. If I were you I would be telling him to buck his ideas up and show some thanks!!!

HortonWho · 13/11/2015 17:14

What a fucking wanker. I would tell my parents not to come again and I would absolutely wipe the floor with him for treating my parents like this after HE asked THEM to help. Never mind pay for your stamp duty and wedding!

My blood is boiling just reading your OP. Kind people don't piss on others like this. Nobody is a saint, but ffs you pretend in front of your kind in-laws!

Draw the line in the sand today - you do not treat people who are nothing but kind to you like this. Even when you're having a shit day. He's been doing it to you for so long, he's now crossed the line to your parents.

TPel · 13/11/2015 17:14

He sounds hateful to be honest. I couldn't imagine spending my life with someone like this.
You post saying it is a cycle of a 2 week mood and then it goes back to normal is worrying.
I wonder what your parents really think about him?

Grumpyoldblonde · 13/11/2015 17:19

This is something you will need to stamp on and make clear is unacceptable - if you have children in the future and his moods continue in this cycle, I promise you that your life will become a nightmare. Take it from one who knows.

Enjolrass · 13/11/2015 17:19

I really dislike people who take help/money from others then resent them because they feel shown-up. twat.

I agree but many posters come here moaning about mils doing too much and are rarely told to be grateful.

When it's the mans mother she is interfering. When it's the woman's mother, it's being helpfulConfused

EmGee · 13/11/2015 17:19

I've a friend whose DH is a bit like this happy to accept money and help but a lazy so and so himself however he has the good grace to be polite to his in-laws.

Not at all acceptable. Definitely have it out with him. I would go so far as to say that you think an apology would be fitting bit hard to force a grown-up man to do that or maybe he could offer to treat your mum and dad to lunch out as a 'Thank you' once you are settled in and they visit?

wheelsonabus · 13/11/2015 17:24

Gonna stick my neck out here - are you sure he's in a bad mood? He might be socially quiet and just want to crack on with the garden whilst you're in the house. He's been shopping and bought you flowers and talks to them about the plan of action - he might not realise he's being a bit rude.

PennyHasNoSurname · 13/11/2015 17:26

I would start by asking him to suggest way the both of you can express your gratitude to your parents for the past year and see what he says. Will he suggest treating them to dinner, tickets to something, a night away? Or will he shrug and ask "what for?"

Arfarfanarf · 13/11/2015 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 13/11/2015 17:30

"The problem is that he's lazy and naturally a bit of a winger. Can't be bothered to do the work himself and needs a shit load of praise when he does."

I have a daughter. I have warned her, over and over and over to dump ANYONE who is lazy and a whinger. No matter how they are otherwise attractive, how much they love them (love yourself more) because that never gets better. And when you have kids, well, just read the boards here.

He's rude and ungrateful. I'd pull him up on it.

Eminado · 13/11/2015 17:31

"

The problem is that he's lazy and naturally a bit of a winger. Can't be bothered to do the work himself and needs a shit load of praise when he does. He's a 30 year old man."

Shock
LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 13/11/2015 17:35

Are you sure he was up for your parents doing all of this, OP?

For me this would feel like your parents had totally taken over and I'd hate it. It's great that they want to help but shouldn't the two of you have been doing some of this on your own?

patienceisvirtuous · 13/11/2015 17:36

OP I have a very similar DP to you and very similar situ re my parents who are brilliant.

They usually get on great but DP can be moody (brat attacks I call them!). Tbh mum and dad just ignore his moods when he's in one or make a bit of a joke of it. It is embarrassing though... So I make sure he gets told.

Tbh I can't see it changing, some people can be moody. As long as his plus points far outweigh this negative and you don't condone it.

DP usually apologises later...

NerrSnerr · 13/11/2015 17:38

Did he ask them for some help or to do everything? It's seems an odd dynamic that they'd pay and do so much, I know I'd feel uncomfortable if my inlaws were so involved in my house move.

specialsubject · 13/11/2015 17:44

sulks and moods are for the playground.

adults talk about things that bother them, because they know sulks and moods don't solve anything.

MrsBobDylan · 13/11/2015 17:44

Expat has it - you can't change lazy. Presumably your dh has been like this since you met so don't expect him to change. Do expect him to be completely unhelpful if you choose to have dc together.

My lovely, clever, kind, capable sil is married with kids to a lazy man. By always suiting himself first he makes her life so much shitter than it ever should be.Sad

LetGoOrBeDragged · 13/11/2015 17:44

I bet he doesn't do this at work.

He is behaving like this because on some level, he thinks you and your parents are not important enough to behave respectfully towards. You have to stamp on it now, before it gets out of hand.

He is a grown man and needs to show good manners. There are no excuses - he is just being bloody rude!

If he does feel your parents are a bit too involved, then he needs to stop asking for and accepting their help. Really not on to take from them and not even be polite.

I know it's a bit late to ask, but you describe him as lazy and a whinger. What are his good points? Why did you marry him? Or is this an issue which has only recently emerged?

Not to overreact but a lot of abusive men show their true colours once they are married and have 'got' you. They make you feel so embarrassed by their behaviour that you end up not seeing people because you can't predict how he will behave. The intention is to isolate you.

Now I am not saying this is definitely him - I cant judge just based on your OP, but it is something to keep in mind. Lots of women say their partners are 'lovely' without being able to precisely say what exactly is lovely about them,when it comes down to it.

Anyway, my advice is to call him on it every single time. No letting it go, for the sake of keeping the peace. And keep ypur family and friends close.

I hope I am just imagining worst case scenario.