to be annoyed with DP for saying I love you too much?

[hotlinesling]

Every single time I catch DPs eye he tells me he loves me and/or kisses me. Every single text message he declares his love. In person, if I don't reciprocate he says 'I do...I do...' repeatedly until I say it or - more usually - change the subject. The most annoying one is in the morning. He leaves for work an hour before the dc and I need to get up. He can't help himself and always has to whisper I love you before leaving. This 9/10 times wakes the baby. Am I being a heartless cow for wishing he'd stop or am I right to be annoyed?

Hello, op. Where the heck have you been ?

Dragging kids and dog out for a walk to get away from him doesn

Oops, posted too soon. Bloody phone.

....doesn't sound good. And even then you can't escape his clutches. It sounds utterly draining.

That sounds absolutely exhausting and suffocating. Do you think there is underlying anxiety? It sounds like he is compelled to do this and get your response in order to... Get through every 5 mins?

Would he go for some form of counselling?

Could you try training him out of it?

DH: I love you...
OP: Great, you can demonstrate it by doing the washing up

DH: I love you....
OP: Good, because the bin needs putting out / baby needs changing / I'm dying for a cup of tea / hoovering needs doing etc

Even if it doesn't stop his neediness you should end up with a nice tidy house!

That implies that abuse has no cause other than 'the perpetrator is evil', surely? I would guess that most abuse is related at least partly to some kind of insecurity. Suggesting that his behaviour is not abusive because he is insecure is therefore a bit odd.

Insecurity is needing of reassurance for purely selfish reasons because you can't self sooth your own ego. Abuse is more consciously controlling in nature to tear another person down to build yourself up. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Both are shitty in their own right.

But I think considering slacking on housework and being a general pain in the ass abuse just waters down the term and makes it lose meaning.

Is his behavior acceptable? Not at all. Is it abusive? No, and you don't need to do mental gymnastics to convince yourself that your partner is abusive to justify ending a long term relationship. If you're not compatible, split up.

Op, ask him to stop. If you want changes then you have to tell him what those changes are. Be very clear and then see what happens, if he continues to harass you then you will need to have a long. hard look at your relationship.

That does sound extremely suffocating, I'd be going out of my mind.

I think you've got to be blunt. You need to tell him that this is driving you away, that you can't breathe with the way he is acting right now, that you may love him but you don't like him right now.

It also sounds like you need some space away from him tbh, any far away relatives you can go visit?

When you said about him falling asleep and having his hand on you made my skin crawl, you don't have to put up with this shit.

We say it usually in the morning when we leave and then if i go out/he goes out in the evening we say it. I think I would go crazy if it was constant

Can you not sit him down and say " Look. Please stop, you are crowding me with your physical presence breathing down my neck and your declarations of love are driving me away. Please don't ask if I'm OK, I tell you what - assume I'm OK unless I tell you otherwise. And please stop saying I Love You all the time. Again, I will assume you do unless you tell me otherwise"

Feel free to ignore, I'm a coldhearted cow but I do think he needs telling in no uncertain times. I'd be flicking his hand off, I'd be saying YES, STOP ASKING if he asked if I was OK. I'd be telling him to change the record if he told me he loved me on and on, in fact Id be screaming at him through frustration.

Sounds rotten, OP. He's seeking reassurance that you just don't have to give right now. It must be so frustrating for you having a needy baby and a needy partner.

I agree that you have to be very blunt with him, otherwise your resentment is going to build to the point you can't bear him any longer.

A very difficult conversation though.

I'm assuming op that you haven't actually told him, in no uncertain terms, to stop it. You have ignored that question.

Are you afraid of his reaction? What do you think he will do/say if you confront him?

How long will you put up with it for? Pretty much all of us has said it's unacceptable. Most of the debate is whether it is abusive, but as a op above said, that is irrelevant. Abusive or not, you don't like it. You have to confront the issue and make it stop or else you'll just have to live with him doing it and just ranting to mumsnet. The power to change his behaviour is in your hands. Are you frightened that it will end with you breaking up? Or that it will escalate and you will find your marriage even more intolerable?
What is stopping you insisting that he respects your boundaries, needs and wants?

Pp above, not op

OP, YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM AND SAY EXACTLY WHAT YOU'VE SAID HERE. WHY ARE YOU AVOIDING THE QUESTION?

Sorry for shouting, but that's what you need to do.

Why do you put all the kids to bed while he holds the baby? Why can't you say, get your hand off my leg, I need an hour's peace? What's so hard about that?

This sounds completely suffocating. It makes my skin crawl just thinking of it.

Hi, even by my standards, DP is a bit OTT. And i appreciate it's driving you dotty. But if you do manage to 'switch' him off, what then. He might take up fishing or marathon training or start an allotment. He could direct his attentions to almost anything - he is obsessive, by all accounts - or anyone. Be careful what you wish for!

*Could you try training him out of it?

DH: I love you...
OP: Great, you can demonstrate it by doing the washing up*

^ this. It's worth a try at least. Prepare the ground by having a brief polite conversation about how he says 'I love you' a lot but that to you words are much less important than deeds. You would like him to show that he loves you by respecting your wishes. You love him but you need some physical space/down time/the pleasure of hearing him interact pleasantly with the children downstairs while you chill out in your room with a book.

Then wait until he says it when you're desperate for some alone time and then respond something like "great, so you won't mind [playing with the kids for a bit while I have a rest]/[doing this chore I haven't had time for]". And make it very clear that the only message you take away when he wakes you and the baby a hour before you get up is that he doesn't love you enough to go to work without disturbing anyone. Try it. See whether being polite and assertive has any effect. I think if nothing else he'll say it a lot less when it opens him up to a request to show his love.

If any of the previous posters comments have made you think of ending the relationship, or if you were already thinking this, I wouldn't mention this until you've given training him a fair go. With his neediness he would probably struggle enough with being redirected without a massive increase to his insecurity. Give him a fair go being assertive about your needs, and if he proves he doesn't give a toss when you've drawn your needs firmly to his attention, LTB.

I've just posted on your other thread, I didn't realise this was the same OP.

I'd tell him that the more suffocating he is being, the more he is pushing you away. But given your other thread, I don't think he'll care and he will continue to carry on as he pleases. Somyou need to decide how you will deal,with that. Surely you are just going to grow more and more resentful of him until you can't bear him to even be near you? It sounds as if you aren't far off that now.

Oh my God OP you poor woman! What an absolute pest he is! He is forcing himself onto you physically, conversationally and even remotely when he is not even there to shove his face in yours. Quite incredible suffocation tactics going on here...wtf is wrong with him?!

I think he means to suffocate you then consume you whole. I really do.

What the hell have I missed?! He's overly affectionate. Says "I love you" too much. Yeh, maybe that would be a bit irritating. But some posters are labelling this as ABUSE! Fgs, get a grip. That's an insult to every woman out there, that is in a truly abusive relationship, you know, like getting raped and beaten up. Truly ridiculous.

My H has been one to say this a lot as well and expect it said back to him. And then the I DO love you started. I always say to him, actions speak louder than words. As if I knew on some level they were empty.

Turns out, he hasn't loved me for years and years and has been faking our marriage for a long time. I think he says it because a) he thinks he should and b) he's trying to convince himself he does.

He also admitted previously that he would say it to his xW because he thought he should say it.

No feelings involved whatsoever.

At best it is co-dependent neediness that he needs to sort out with some kind of intervention. At worst, it's an unconscious act of aggression: he is defending against himself (and you'll be triggering something in him; it won't be 'you', per se, but who you are representing from his past).

Either way he needs to get help.

Iliveatthebeach, the OP has stated that she is dreading the kids growing up because her partner will expect physical contact from her. That isn't normal. If she's dreading that it seems that there is something seriously wrong. Perhaps she feels she can't say no, perhaps she just doesn't love him any more. Only the OP knows, but if its the former then it is like an abusive relationship.

Iliveatthe beach how little you know about abuse. I'm not going to fill you in because frankly I can't be bothered to take the time out to enlighten you...that's your responsibility. But yes...you could be doing with some education in that department.

Iliveatthebeach - you're probably the sort that thinks men who jealously guard their women from other men just really, really love them, and the women should just put up with it.