to be annoyed with DP for saying I love you too much?

[hotlinesling]

Every single time I catch DPs eye he tells me he loves me and/or kisses me. Every single text message he declares his love. In person, if I don't reciprocate he says 'I do...I do...' repeatedly until I say it or - more usually - change the subject. The most annoying one is in the morning. He leaves for work an hour before the dc and I need to get up. He can't help himself and always has to whisper I love you before leaving. This 9/10 times wakes the baby. Am I being a heartless cow for wishing he'd stop or am I right to be annoyed?

DC, why does anyone do anything ?

Go and read all the shitty behaviour displayed by the fuckwits described on the relationships board and if you can find the answer to "why do they do it" you will become a very, very rich person.

What is he going to do next? Buy her so many flowers that she develops an allergy? Cook her a dinner that he serves at an uncomfortably hot temperature? Or write her a really long boring love poem that is going to take her ages to read even though he knows she is busy?

The devious little maniac!

DifferentCats - 'It literally doesn't make any sense unless you are boiling with suspicion.'

Exactly. Its like this behaviour came out of nowhere if you read the OPs relatively few posts.

Dies it matter where it came from ?

Does it matter why he is doing it ?

Does it matter how long he has been doing it for ?

The fact remains, he is doing it, despite being asked not to and op is pissed off with it.

Don't we always say it is ok to have your own deal breakers ? That you are perfectly entitled to end a relationships for any reason you like ? That this is no longer the 1950's and women have agency ?

So why do so many people push an agenda that we have to find an excuse for bad behaviour ? That women have to put up and shut up because if a man says he loves you the rest of his attitude towards you has no bearing ?

Isn't that quite a dangerous message to be peddling ?

AF - its just that you and others leaping to 'abuse' when the OP has given no history about the relationship at all.

Was it a great relationship before? Was there a history of abuse? Has there been unfaithfulness, mental illness, or a multiplicity of other factors?

He is being very annoying and claustrophobic to be sure but really could it be that the man be feeling insecure for a good reason? Is he really struggling with depression? We could make up all sorts of possible explanations - including that he has exhibited a long history of abusive behaviour and this is a continuation?

We just don't know and the OP has not been back for ages.

The op has explained his behaviour

The quality of the "relationship" is dependent on the behaviour of 50% of the people within it

A "relationship" is not an entity of it's own. Although you would think so, sometimes.

Isn't that quite a dangerous message to be peddling ?

Isn't it equally dangerous to peddle the message that innocuous behaviour is 'abuse'?

Eg: my GG chews with her mouth open, I've asked her not tonbecusenits disgusting. Is this abuse?
My GF fills a glass with water, swirls it and empties out only tonfillmit gain. Eventually the washing up bowl fills with waste water. Annoying, I've asked her not to, she still does. Is this abuse?

That's a quite silly comparison. Do those behaviours actually harm another ?

The behaviour that op has described is harmful. It is causing her harm. Do you not believe her ?

AF - it is not causing her physical harm.

It is making her very annoyed and making her dislike her DP. It is getting on her nerves. He isn't pulling his weight - but harm?

Anyway the OP has disappeared so we shall never know.

Is abuse only physical then, Free ?

You don't acknowledge there are other kinds of harm ?

Only a punch/slap/kick counts ?

Sleep deprivation is a well recognised tactic used by headfuckers. Invading personal space another. Forcing someone else to behave in a way by emotional blackmail otherwise known as coercion is another. I could go on. Ringing any bells at all ?

When dp leaves early hours to work away all week he will sometimes give me a quick kiss on the face whisper love you if he thinks iv woken up when he has got out of bed etc

If he continually woke me up before my alarm even if it was only just before my alarm as snatched those last few precious minutes of sleep from me , I would remove his balls via his mouth

angry when I'm tired

Seriously though in the past I wouldn't have thought of things like this as bad or controlling but having ended and ea relationship and actually being in a relationship with someone normal at last plus all the awesome advice I have taken on board through mumsnet I now realise that controlling behaviour isn't just someone sayin "don't do this" etc

If someone continually does something that you don't like despite you saying that you don't like it I fail to see how that person respects you !

OPs OH says he loves her a lot, I tell my other half a lot.
I ask my OH if she's OK, OPs OH asksnif she's OK.
Ops OH frequently likes cuddling and touching his partner, she rebuffs.
So on and so in.

It seems in your perfect existence any action you deem is abuse is automatically premeditated abuse by an evil selfish bastard, an easy conclusion to make sat behind your keyboard.

I fear in actual fact, its a regualar guy trying to reassure and show affection to his partner, I don't see the bogey man that you see.
If it was different, he didn't say it, didn't try to show affection, OP would be here with a totally different, and much seen, thread about how hes gone off her. Etc. You would then be there saying the same damn thing.

Seems men are fucked either way. Do nothing, abusive evil fucknut, show affection npand love, evil abusive fuckwit

I don't expect to change your mind, See

I fear you don't have the bandwidth. < shrug >

Well seeyou your talking about two different extremes there I'm sure op would be happy if his behaviour was somewhere in the middle

Aka normal

what's he like in bed

Fucking annoying by the sound of it. Or do you mean when he's not whispering in the OPs ear until she wakes up?

Sorry, I'm not sure who I was replying to there.

I don't expect to change your mind, See

I fear you don't have the bandwidth

I see, so when someone disagrees with your judgement you cast aspersions on their intelligence? Lowering myself to petty name calling isn't my thing, you go ahead though.

I think not admitting when you have come up with a duff theory that is totally unsupported by the available evidence is a form of abuse.

see the point is that the OP finds his constant declarations of love and need for physical contact unwelcome and oppressive and has asked him to back off.

A "regular guy" tries to respect his partner's feelings and desires.

An abuser puts his own wishes first.

It could just be two people going through a difficult time in their relationship and a baby has brought it to a head.

Maybe the OP is knackered (sounds like she is) and viscerally does not want any kind of contact with her DP. He feels rejected and upset and is seeking reassurance which she refuses to give him.

On the other hand maybe he is being abusive and has taken his chance to put extra pressure on the OP because a baby has arrived. This is not uncommon for abusers. I do know what abuse is. I know it can be mental, emotional, financial, and physical.

I just hate the one dimensional, one size fits all, 'abuse' response.

Seeyou, at the risk of further lowering this discussion to playground level you started it, mate

No, Free, that's not what you said

You said that because there was no "physical harm" then no harm was being done.

Oh gawd. I tell my DP I love him several times a day. This thread has hit it on the head, I say it for 2 reasons: 1 because I can't believe my luck that I've found such a top bloke who I not only connect with physically but also mentally, and 2: because I am petrified he may suddenly fall out of love with me and end the relationship.

He's done nothing to indicate he'll do that, far from it. He does tell me he loves me, but much less than I tell him. But he shows his love in many ways, which should be enough for me but I'm a bit needy I think (especially after reading this thread)

One thing I do have to say, is to the ridiculous comment earlier on :

(men can't multitask)holding down...Highly responsible jobs while thinking about what everyone is going to eat and keeping an eye on the time to make sure they collect the kids while also dealing with a client?*

I must tell DP that. He works full-time, has full custody of his children with little input from his ex, and runs his home/life better than I could ever dream of. What utter sexist bullshit some people spout.

Thanks for the replies.

Pre-baby I wasn't so offended by him. I worked and went out and we had things to talk about. Now we don't really have anything to talk about and so he fills every gap with I love you or are you ok. He works from home a lot and follows me around and I feel suffocated by not having any time away from him. He doesn't seem to get that I don't resent the kids neediness but I do resent his. At night I put all the kids to bed while he holds the baby, then he hands her over and she's feeding pretty much all night. He falls asleep on the sofa and I feel relieved but he still has to have his hand on my leg or something. I feel like I dread when baby is older because I'll put the kids to bed then he'll expect immediate cuddling/kissing/sex when I'd rather just have an hour reading or having a bath in peace. Any time I do get increases his neediness tenfold. I took baby and our dogs for a walk today and asked to go alone as I had a headache (!) and he sent three text messages in an hour asking if I was ok/declaring love...

His behaviour is harming you. I think that he is abusive and controlling. Several posters on this thread disagree. But actually, that doesn't matter. He is harming you.

So, solutions:

LTB
Counselling, him (he needs it most, in my opinion), you, couples
Asserting yourself

Have you read anything about abusive relationships? There are lots of links and book recommendations on mumsnet.

What do you want? Do you want to get away? Or do you think if he moderates his behaviour, this could work out for you?