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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with DP for saying I love you too much?

357 replies

hotlinesling · 09/11/2015 22:12

Every single time I catch DPs eye he tells me he loves me and/or kisses me. Every single text message he declares his love. In person, if I don't reciprocate he says 'I do...I do...' repeatedly until I say it or - more usually - change the subject. The most annoying one is in the morning. He leaves for work an hour before the dc and I need to get up. He can't help himself and always has to whisper I love you before leaving. This 9/10 times wakes the baby. Am I being a heartless cow for wishing he'd stop or am I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
MrsCorbyn · 10/11/2015 13:49

Ugh I wouldn't be able to handle that. Dp says it a lot but not to that level of needy, waking me up twattery. I find saying stop being a sappy twat works as a response and he reigns it in.

CocktailQueen · 10/11/2015 16:05

Different Cats: *I am sure Any Fucker can handle a little criticism.

In this case, the bulldozer of justice wasn't called for. I mean, he's abusive because he is too nice? Get a grip. He's insecure and irritating at worst.*

Are you reading the same thread we are? So you're saying you'd be OK with your husband being a lazy twat round the house, not speaking to his own children, pawing the OP every second he can, waking the OP AND THE BABY EVERY DAY when she has told him not to, etc?

'too nice' is NOT a phrase I would associate with the OP's h.

Grapejuicerocks · 10/11/2015 16:39

I don't think we have the information to call whether this is abuse or insecurity.

Op, you say you comment that he woke the baby when he asks what time she wakes but he may see this as just conversation/answer to his question. Have you explicitly said that this has to stop and is deeply upsetting for you. Have you actually talked about how you feel re the constant touching/saying I love you? It may be that he sees you batting him off/ignoring him as complete rejection and it's desperation that keeps making him do it more. You used to be affectionate, now you are not. He feels unloved. It's a vicious cycle. You need to be 100% clear that it needs to stop as it is damaging how you feel about him. Explain that you are worn out with the baby and need him to give you space. Explain that if he doesn't he will kill all your feelings for him. Tell him that yes, it is that serious.

Of course if you've already made all the above crystal clear then he is ignoring your boundaries, needs and wants and you have a real problem in your relationship. It then goes into abusive territory.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 10/11/2015 18:36

I don't think we have the information to call whether this is abuse or insecurity.

That implies that abuse has no cause other than 'the perpetrator is evil', surely? I would guess that most abuse is related at least partly to some kind of insecurity. Suggesting that his behaviour is not abusive because he is insecure is therefore a bit odd.

...Which does not mean I think anyone should be at all willing to put up with it, or that you can 'reassure' such people into not being abusive. Abusive behaviour is abusive behaviour, and needs to stop (or rather, generally, people end up needing to remove themselves from it).

DifferentCats · 10/11/2015 19:51

No, I said it was annoying. I don't think it is ok. But I think labelling a man who persistently tells his girlfriend that he loves her as abusive is disproportionate to the point of being totally bonkers.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 20:00

leaving the toilet seat up is "annoying"

putting cutlery in the dishwasher the wrong way up is "annoying"

cutting your toenails in the living room is "annoying"

not pulling your weight domestically, deliberately waking up a sleeping child+mother, pestering for sex, displaying jealousy of a tiny child and constantly trampling over someone's personal boundaries despite being asked not to is something else again

bumpertobumper · 10/11/2015 20:06

I think you should tell him you won't believe he truly loves you until he expresses it through dance Grin
I have just been reading the Peter Andre thread...

bumpertobumper · 10/11/2015 20:08

Sorry if the joke is inappropriate, I haven't read the full thread

liquidrevolution · 10/11/2015 20:28

Are we married to the same man op? Does he also drape himself on you and demand a cuddle whenever you sit down on the sofa?

DifferentCats · 10/11/2015 20:35

A hate crime against womankind to be stamped out by you via the internet?

Your dramatic extrapolations really are extraordinary.

DifferentCats · 10/11/2015 20:51

He deliberately woke the baby up by telling her he loved her too loudly. How do you even think you know that?

Dying here.

Lonelyasfuck · 10/11/2015 21:05

My DH never says it. I tell him I do all the time and I mean it. So sad Sad, but however annoying its for you OP it sounds lovely!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/11/2015 21:08

How is it lovely. Confused

Lonelyasfuck · 10/11/2015 21:14

At least she hears it.... Sorry only thinking from my own situation.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/11/2015 21:19

He says he loves her then leaves rat shit all over the draining board, that's if he's not pestering her for sex.

Op has said she doesn't like it, so it isn't lovely at all. We are conditioned by society to fall over ourselves and applaud every time a man does something romantic, even if it is unwanted and bloody intrusive.

Lonelyasfuck · 10/11/2015 21:22

Sorry I'm guilty of only reading first page and not full thread Blush. Bit of a drip feed then....

FreeWorker1 · 10/11/2015 21:29

Grapejuice - you said what I think.

There is some information missing.

The OP has children. Presumably been with this man a fair while and now suddenly he is exhibiting extremely annoying behaviour.

Why?

What has made him behave this way all of a sudden to the point she viscerally hates him?

I think there is a back story here we haven't been told.

If he had always been this way she would not have had multiple DCs with him.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 21:37

From the op : He leaves for work an hour before the dc and I need to get up. He can't help himself and always has to whisper I love you before leaving. This 9/10 times wakes the baby.

This sounds like a deliberate act to me. OP has said so. If he has done it enough times (despite being asked not to) that op can count them enough to conclude "9 times out of 10" then he has done it a lot. He knows it wakes his wife before she needs to waken and he knows it wakes the baby. Do you have another definition of "deliberate" ?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 21:39

If he had always been this way she would not have had multiple DCs with him.

You haven't read very much of the Relationships board then.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/11/2015 21:43

Lonely, the first post states that he does this an hour before she has to get up which, 9 times out of 10, wakes the baby.

C'mon, that would get on your tits too. Grin

FreeWorker1 · 10/11/2015 21:47

AF - to be fair the OP hasn't really given us much info at all. A few posts complaining and then nothing.

We dont know anything about the relationship.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/11/2015 21:47

Women have plenty of children with abusive or fuckwitted men all the time. Having lots of children doesn't exempt a man from being a tosser.

DifferentCats · 10/11/2015 21:47

Yes; things that are done deliberately.

I mean, he sounds like a clumsy idiot, but waking his girlfriend and child up on purpose. To what end? If he is that spiteful, why wouldn't he just slam the door on his way out? Or is it a secret waking up, concealed with a clever I LOVE YOU stage whisper? Is he sat on the tube on the way to work cackling to himself that his devious machinations have worked again?

It literally doesn't make any sense unless you are boiling with suspicion.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/11/2015 21:47

Aww, that's really sweet OP.

Do you actually like this man? HmmHmm

AnyFucker · 10/11/2015 21:52

Free some things are simply a deal breaker

Not everyone might think so. Some people's tolerance for shitty behaviour is waaaay higher than mine. I don't think anyone should tolerate it.