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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be upset about her termination?

527 replies

princesspineapple · 09/11/2015 19:47

I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and one of my best friends has just had a termination.
I'm all for pro-choice and it's her body etc etc... But she has basically used this as contraception (they've not used any protection for a year) and I don't really agree with that.
Putting aside my (and everyone's) feelings about her pregnancy choices... AIBU to be upset that she turned to me first in her "time of need"?
I've had MCs in the past, and am over the moon to be pregnant... So am finding it really hard to support her when she says things like "well it's only pea sized" when my little pea is now wriggling away in my belly!
Am I being a bit of an over-emotional pregnant lady and need to buck up and be a better friend, or is she actually being a cow?

OP posts:
LetGoOrBeDragged · 09/11/2015 23:18

Piper the fact is, if people don't bother to use contraceptives then they are saying that abortion will do just fine!

PiperChapstick · 09/11/2015 23:23

Piper the fact is, if people don't bother to use contraceptives then they are saying that abortion will do just fine

Or maybe they just don't think they'd be that unlucky? Do you actually think it goes through their head "oh if I get caught out I've always got abortion" Hmm

VestalVirgin · 09/11/2015 23:26

I am very much pro-choice, but I do feel it is a bit insensitive to talk to a friend who has had a miscarriage about abortion.
Can happen. People are insensitive sometimes.

If any friend of mine was using abortion as contraception, I would ask why. Because I do not think most women are keen on going through that process. And there are men who try to get out of using condoms with the most ridiculous excuses. (And taking hormones is not without its risks)

Still, someone who thinks an individual woman made a bad choice is not automatically anti-choice, and it's rather harsh to accuse her of such.

I believe that half of the voters in my area are too stupid for democracy. That doesn't mean that I'm against democracy. I do think everyone should get to vote. Even if they do vote very stupidly. Wink

StampyMum · 09/11/2015 23:27

Yes, of course they do! Abortion is legal, confidential and available. Seriously, of course they bloody do. And I defend their right to do so.

roundaboutthetown · 09/11/2015 23:37

Another thing I'm wondering is, what's with her telling her pregnant friend she'd had regular, unprotected sex for a year beforehand? Did she think she was infertile? Why proffer that particular bit of information? Why have unprotected sex for so long if you were so dead set against a pregnancy? Did she want to get pregnant, then her situation changed? Were they trying to avoid pregnancy by avoiding her most fertile times? What is she expecting her friend to say in response to telling her this?

TheTigerIsOut · 09/11/2015 23:38

This is not about being pro choice or not, or for you to buck up. Yes a lot pf people talk about "it is only a cell, a pea, not a human being..." But what planet is she on if she is choosing to repeatedly say this to a woman who has had a miscarriage?

Bloody insensitive of her, this is not about the politics of the pro choice/life arguments but about choosing the wrong audience.

IMO you should not be lending a listening ear to a woman who is inderectly minimising your loss. Feel free to give her a very wide bert, she is either a cow or an idiot.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 09/11/2015 23:40

Piper if abortion wasn't an option, I suspect a lot of people would be more careful. (Am not saying that it shouldn't be available).
If a person is not sensible enough to realise that pg can happen to them, then they have no business having sex.

PiperChapstick · 09/11/2015 23:43

Let you may be right about people having safer sex if abortion was illegal, however you have no right policing women's sex lives.

And I just don't believe anyone thinks "oh no condom, oh well if I get pregnant there's always abortion" and I think it's insulting to womankind to suggest women in their droves do say this.

TheTigerIsOut · 09/11/2015 23:45

I tend to disagree, when abortion was not an option, more women were having dodgy risky abortions to huge risks to their health, but they were happening anyway.

ConsciousPilot · 09/11/2015 23:45

Hear! Hear!

ConsciousPilot · 09/11/2015 23:46

That was for Dragged's* post ^

NameChange30 · 09/11/2015 23:54

It was a while back but I agree with this comment from SurlyCue:
"Fwiw i do think she is leaning on the wrong person, however you did tell her I was here if she needed anything so you did let her think she could lean on you. I think you need to be honest and tell her that you are struggling to support her and that you are sorry for letting her think you could."

As for the lively debate on the ethics of abortion. I am pro-choice. As for the other side, which calls itself "pro life", I think "anti-abortion" is more accurate. As a PP argued very well, being pro choice is being pro life; it's prioritising the life of the pregnant woman over that of a foetus, it's recognising that forcing a woman to bring an unwanted child into the world would make at least one life less happy; it's providing safe abortions to women who want them and therefore drastically reducing the incidences of illegal abortions that have a much higher risk of death or serious injury.

SecretWitch · 09/11/2015 23:57

You are being over wrought and over emotional. Your decision to become pregnant has nothing to do with her decision to terminate her pregnancy.

kungpopanda · 10/11/2015 01:10

The bollocks the OP is, SecretWitch. Her 'friend' is crass, stupid beyond belief, selfish as or deliberately cruel. Delete as you find applicable.
pp, you don't need to buck up wrt to this friend at all. She's a massive tactless eejit.

Senpai · 10/11/2015 05:08

Your friend is an idiot.

You don't go up to someone who say just lost a dearly beloved show heifer and talk about the great cheeseburgers you'll be having tonight because you chose to kill yours.

It's incredibly insensitive, especially since she knows you've had miscarriages. It's a slap in the face to tell someone who has lost babies they desperately wanted that you just willingly flushed yours down the toilet this morning.

Tell her to find someone else to talk about it with.

AwfulCuntForTheButter · 10/11/2015 06:04

This has gone beyond weird.

I've had 2 terminations and 3 miscarriages. I wouldn't even begin to take offence at a friend who wanted to lean on me about a termination - in fact, I did so when I was pregnant. I was happy to be able to advise, especially as she considered it 'taboo' and didn't feel she could discuss it with people in general.

I'm just a bit Hmm about this thread.

SeasonalVag · 10/11/2015 06:04

Why are you all being so hard on the op? She's has struggled to conceive, its very hard to watch people accidentally get pregnant then decide to terminate when you'd be so grateful getting pregnant.

I had to sit while two friends discussed their abortions only months after I'd had a miscarriage which really upset me, yet I felt I had to keep quiet.

anotherbusymum14 · 10/11/2015 06:23

Actually, you are asking here: are you being unreasonable? I actually think you are not and for this reason.
She terminated a baby.
Everyone seems to think oh well it's her choice and brings pro choice into it.
I don't think you are saying that here. It's not a simple thing to go and have a termination and forget about it. It's a baby, that's being removed and not being giving a full life.
You have lost babies that you wanted to give a full life to.
This is not pro choice argument or anything to do with your friend as such and what she is allowed to do.
This is actually about how you feel about the losses of life you have experienced without a choice (this is more about miscarriage than abortion).
If only everyone could calm down and see maybe that you are allowed to feel that this is not okay from your end, as you are carrying a baby around in your belly now. I do not think you are being unreasonable to be feeling affected by this.

AwfulCuntForTheButter · 10/11/2015 06:35

another, you say it's not 'a pro choice argument', but you appear to have made your feelings very clear on the matter.

I'm going to back away from this now before I say something I really regret.

rageagainsttheBIL · 10/11/2015 07:31

So I take it you were there when she said "no I don't want to use condoms or the pill, abortion will do just fine"?

Not there during the act but yes, this is pretty much what she said to me what she did. I appreciate that the majority of people aren't like this

fakenamefornow · 10/11/2015 07:39

Being pro choice doesn't mean you have to be all tea and sympathy to women having abortions. It doesn't even mean you can't think a friend shouldn't have an abortion. It just means that you don't think women shouldn't be able to get an abortion if they want one, you don't think abortion should be illegal. Can posters really not see that and think everybody pro choice has to be all hand holding?

Branleuse · 10/11/2015 07:51

im pro choice and ive been through abortion and also miscarriage and also had my own both planned and unplanned children, and I still think its unreasonable and very insensitive of your friend to choose you as support for her abortion whilst youre actually pregnant.

roundaboutthetown · 10/11/2015 07:54

Being pro choice isn't the same thing as being pro people being careless, thoughtless, self-centred idiots. It just means you accept careless, thoughtless, self-centred idiots are entitled to the same choices as everyone else.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 10/11/2015 08:18

piper nowhere have I said that abortions should be illegal or restricted or that women's sex lives should be policed by anyone other than themselves.

What I have said is that the fact abortion is an option means that people are willing to take more risks. The OPs friend hasn't bothered using any contraception for a year and now she is having an abortion - she is the proof that there are women who are quite clearly thinking that it is a suitable back up if they are 'unlucky'.

I would never want to see women's choices restricted. However I reserve the right to judge as I see fit. Abortion should always be available - it's better to terminate than have an unwanted child but I do feel it should be a last resort and not a 'cba to use contraceptives' option. It wouldn't hurt for people to remember that we are talking about a human life and all it's potential and so to me it shouldn't he done lightly.

I can think that and still hold the view that it is ultimately the woman's choice.

CurrerBellend · 10/11/2015 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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