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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be upset about her termination?

527 replies

princesspineapple · 09/11/2015 19:47

I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and one of my best friends has just had a termination.
I'm all for pro-choice and it's her body etc etc... But she has basically used this as contraception (they've not used any protection for a year) and I don't really agree with that.
Putting aside my (and everyone's) feelings about her pregnancy choices... AIBU to be upset that she turned to me first in her "time of need"?
I've had MCs in the past, and am over the moon to be pregnant... So am finding it really hard to support her when she says things like "well it's only pea sized" when my little pea is now wriggling away in my belly!
Am I being a bit of an over-emotional pregnant lady and need to buck up and be a better friend, or is she actually being a cow?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 09/11/2015 22:09

YANBU

It's perfectly possible to believe that free, easy access to abortion is a right that should be defended but not always be at a point in your life when you can support another woman going through one.

Sallystyle · 09/11/2015 22:09

I think she was trying to call attention to the fact that you posted again and felt bad.

Not that you are an attention seeker as I first thought.

Original poster
princesspineapple · 09/11/2015 22:12

Thanks, U2... I don't actually mind the derailing if it's just something that people find interesting, I find people's views on the subject quite interesting as well.
But didn't really know if people were just a bit sick of it as a debate and it belonged somewhere else. God, you can tell I've never posted on AIBU before, can't you... Utter novice. Blush
As you were, everyone!

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 09/11/2015 22:13

You are doing fine.

Sleep well :)

BerylStreep · 09/11/2015 22:17

I've been that friend. At the time I honestly didn't equate my decision to abort with the mc of my friend. They were two entirely different concepts. We were two entirely different people with very different personal circumstances. I was lucky that my friend didn't judge me, or if she did, she didn't show it.

I was unfortunate to miscarry a much wanted child after I got married, and the one thing I would observe was that the physical effects were much the same, but the emotional impact was completely different.

Please try not to judge your friend. I think the staff at the hospital when I miscarried were a bit Hmm when I asked them if the D&C was the equivalent process of an abortion, but they agreed that yes, the procedure was much the same.

I can honestly say that after my mc, or during either of my subsequent pregnancies I would have supported a friend in that situation. You can't expect her to follow through with an unwanted pregnancy just to save your feelings? Or would you rather she went ahead and did it, but didn't discuss it with you because she knew you were judging?

user838383 · 09/11/2015 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 22:25

Then you are pro choice; you are choosing not to terminate but you allow others to make their choice for them.

user838383 · 09/11/2015 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beebar · 09/11/2015 22:29

Hormonal contraception does not work for a lot (most) women and condoms do not produce any sort of gratification. I have been asked to be sterilised, but apparently it's a ''high rish operation''. FS. Any my DH may want more DC, as men stay fertile for much longer and may find a new partner further along in life. DH is does NOT want any more DC. BS.

YABU. Perspective, please

WanderingTrolley1 · 09/11/2015 22:29

Yabu and, obviously, not as pro-choice as you state.

Beebar · 09/11/2015 22:30

Plus, there are a lot of risks to taking hormonal medications/prescriptions.

Beebar · 09/11/2015 22:32
  • I have asked to be - NOT I have been asked Blush
MySordidCakeSecret · 09/11/2015 22:37

Try telling the thousands of distraught mumsnetters who lose their babies at eight weeks that 'it's not a life'.

Just because you are pro-choice doesn't mean you can ignore what is going on in the womb at eight weeks.

^^ this exactly. I know it is debated, but yes there is a point where the feotus is alive, hence why you can be charged with destruction of life if you kill a pregnant woman past a certain stage.

Some may say the heartbeat, other brain activity, others the viability for life outside of the womb but you can't glaze over facts if you have an abortion past a certain stage then you are ending a life.

SurlyCue · 09/11/2015 22:39

I am pro choice for others, not me. The idea of abortion upsets me greatly and I could in no way have it on my conscience.

You are pro choice for yourself as well. Pro choice means you support every woman's right to choose whether to abort or continue the pregnancy. The fact that you would choose to continue is still a choice Smile

SurlyCue · 09/11/2015 22:42

you can't glaze over facts if you have an abortion past a certain stage then you are ending a life.

No-one is glazing over it. People just have different opinions about what that stage is.

PiperChapstick · 09/11/2015 22:44

Try telling the thousands of distraught mumsnetters who lose their babies at eight weeks that 'it's not a life'

Well of course people aren't going to say that how dare you twist things to make out pro-choicers are trivialising miscarriage Hmm

I believe any pregnancy is a potential life. This doesn't mean it isn't important to the parents and those who'll love it of course. However a woman has an actual life, a person who already exists and should have control over their body. To me, her actual life - and by that I don't mean life/death situation, but her right to live a happy life where she doesn't have a child she doesn't want - and body, trumps a potential life

Devora · 09/11/2015 22:47

I've had an abortion after being careless with contraception, so I'm not going to throw stones. But I've also worked in abortion services, and sure enough have come across women having abortions for wankerish reasons. Or rather, not wankerish reasons (since the bottom line is that not wanting to continue a pregnancy is the best reason of all) but in a context that didn't shine a good light on them.

It was actually a relief when I came to realise that (a) the right to choose is for everyone, including idiots, and (b) my commitment to women's right to choose does not rest on women's ability to act like responsible, self-sacrificing angels at all times.

OP, don't upset yourself thinking through this situation. Just accept you are in different places right now, with different emotional needs. If you do have to explain this to your friend, don't tell her that HER abortion upsets you - just say, "I'm so hormonal and sensitive and I really can't talk about abortion right now without getting tearful, so you may get better support from another friend".

PiperChapstick · 09/11/2015 22:48

I knew a woman who actively used abortion as an alternative to birth control

So I take it you were there when she said "no I don't want to use condoms or the pill, abortion will do just fine"?

StampyMum · 09/11/2015 22:48

I can't believe people are saying the OP isn't pro-choice. Yes, it's legal to use no protection for a year and then use termination to stop the pregnancy that results. And as a pro-choice feminist, I defend that idiot's right to do so. But she's still an idiot to put herself through a pregnancy plus termination and she's an insensitive super idiot to lean on a pregnant friend to get her through it. FWIW, I'm absolutely the one that friends lean on when they're going through terminations - I am totally pro-choice. But in the same way that I'd advise a sensible diet and exercise rather than bariatric surgery, I'd advise contraception rather than termination. Come on! That's hardly regressive.

PiperChapstick · 09/11/2015 22:51

I also apologise for contributing to derailing thread OP I think your plan to speak to your friend is fine and I wish you luck with it and your pregnancy Cake

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 09/11/2015 22:53

I told her I was here if she needed anything, and sent her a little box of things like bath bombs and magazines for her recovery time

The op told her she was there if she needed anything, then sent her a gift, how is this woman taking op at her word being insensitive?

PiperChapstick · 09/11/2015 23:00

Obviously Stampy everyone would advise contraception over abortion. But for a person who is already pregnant this advice isn't much good.

I have to say as much as people clearly are pro-choice the snotty judgements and cruel remarks about women who have terminations (and not a peep about the men doing the impregnating I've noticed Hmm) is a disappointing trait for a person who claims to support women and feminism (yes being pro-choice is a feminist issue)

bumbleymummy · 09/11/2015 23:06

There are pro-life feminists too.

roundaboutthetown · 09/11/2015 23:06

I find it odd that she chose you to confide in. Tbh, it sounds extremely insensitive to me to choose a pregnant, hormonal friend to talk about their miscarriages with so that she can compare them to her abortion. What makes her think you would be as happy to talk about an unwanted miscarriage as she is to talk about a wanted abortion, I don't know. I think she is more screwed up emotionally by it than she wants to admit and is hiding behind talking about practicalities to the stupidest choice of person she could possibly find.

StampyMum · 09/11/2015 23:17

Fair enough, Piper! But I'm not advising the person having the termination, I'm advising the person choosing to continue with her pregnancy and saying she's NBU. I'm a perfect example of someone who was careless with contraception with a new boyfriend - I took a big risk, I got a family out of it. But I did consider termination, and I can tell you quite clearly that I wouldn't have leaned on a pregnant friend to do so. The righti to reproductive choice doesn't absolve you of responsibility towards your friends.!

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