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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to have slapped his face?

329 replies

BMW6 · 08/11/2015 19:00

This afternoon a man (mid fifties) in the street said to me "excuse me darlin' but can I tell you you've got really impressive tits"

Without any thought I slapped his face and gave him a raging dressing down - he just stood there stunned looking and mumbled "sorry darlin'" (which enraged me all the more)

I am conflicted - part of me is horrified that I reacted violently, the other part is still fuming and kind of glad I slapped him.

Did I over-react?

Blush but also Grin

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 09/11/2015 10:13

This isn't two equal people, person A and person B, who have a disagreement. This is a society in which person A is the member of a group, men, who have power over women and who use that power to intimidate, harass and belittle women. Not only do men have power as a group, but they are almost always bigger, stronger and heavier than women. There are very few women who can beat a man in a fight

So,..it is ok to hit people as long as they are bigger or stronger than you are or if you decide what they say warrants a slap? No need for laws on this then,...it's down to us to make that decision. Unbelievable!
As for OP being morally right, I think that's a bit dangerous bearing in mind we all have different morals.

itsmine · 09/11/2015 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairypaws · 09/11/2015 10:29

The twat deserved it. Don't think I would have slapped him but totally understand why you did, good on you I say.

ifgrandmahadawilly · 09/11/2015 10:38

YANBU. You performed a public service.

I don't know what to make of this situation but it has made me laugh.

ifgrandmahadawilly · 09/11/2015 10:41

Ah I wish I could do the same to the wankers who think it's ok to call me up at work and refer to me as 'luv' and ask for my number.

Brioche201 · 09/11/2015 10:56

So to the violence apologist's, is it ok for a man to slap a woman who 'offends' him?

ifgrandmahadawilly · 09/11/2015 11:17

It's not about being offended. It's about being sexually harrassed, which is a form of assault. You have the choice over whether or not to be offended by something - the onus is on you. It's not a crime to offend someone.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/11/2015 11:25

The legal misinformation on this thread is astounding.

The man sexually harassed the OP, at worst. He did not sexually assault her.

The OP slapped him, so she committed common assault with battery. If he'd pressed charges, that's what she would have been charged with. She may get a smaller sentence if she explained the story and the magistrates agreed that his comment provoked her, or she managed to convince them that she was scared of him, but she would still be guilty of the offence - she slapped him.

The law on knives is clear, too. It is illegal to carry a knife in public without good reason, with the exception of a swiss army knife with a folding blade of less than 3 inches. It is illegal to use any knife in a threatening way, including a swiss army knife. Locked knives - those which have folding blades which can be secured out - are not legal in any circumstances.

"Good reason" is defined as taking knives to and from work if you use them there, taking knives to be exhibited somewhere, using the knife for religious, theatrical or film reasons.

The maximum penalty is a 4 years in prison and a £5,000 fine - and that's for carrying a knife, not stabbing someone or causing GBH.

Scremersford · 09/11/2015 11:26

YANBU In fact you should have punched him. A nice fast one, less likely t retaliate (especially in a busy street in daylight). Take the legal consequences (if any, he threatened you sexually, right?). Serves him right. To be honest, I'd love that one to go to court. It might actually do some good in putting sexual harassment in the media spotlight.

RonaldMcDonald · 09/11/2015 11:42

mumsnet at its worst

condoning assault

if a woman said "you've got a lovely arse" to a man and he slapped her and madly told her off you'd all advise she call the police to apprehend the dangerous monster

OP get help for your anger issues

OnlyLovers · 09/11/2015 11:46

He took the chance because the op is a woman.

This, precisely.

if a woman said "you've got a lovely arse" to a man and he slapped her and madly told her off you'd all advise she call the police to apprehend the dangerous monster

The thing is (and yes, this is a generalisation; sue me), women DON'T tend to do that kind of thing. It tends to be men yelling/leering/whistling/gesticulating at women in the street, not the other way round.

Scremersford · 09/11/2015 12:00

Ronald men get assaulted all the time for all sorts of reasons. The statistics prove that. Only a minority end up in court.

I really have to say every time I've shown genuine aggression (in all but one case through shouting and being assertive), the harasser has backed off very, very quickly.

The one time I did use violence was on a stalker type man who had been following me about for a while. He managed to bump into me, almost knocking me to the ground at an event once and was coming back for another try, so I whacked him hard across the head with a pair of shoes I happened to be carrying. You could almost see his little mind computing in slow motion - "she retaliated - that was bad - that hurt - she's not scared of me - she is my equal - I can't do anything about it and get away with it - this isn't fun any more - I will leave her alone in future". And that is exactly what happened.

Of course, you might be unlucky and be attacked by a knife wielding thug, but use your instincts when retaliating is safer than being a timid cowering victim.

Oh, and I would love to be the one up in court charged with assaulting a man who had sexually harassed me. I am perfectly willing to take any legal penalty, and hopefully start a proper discussion working towards a change in the law so that sexually motivated remarks are treated as seriously as racially motivated comments.

RonaldMcDonald · 09/11/2015 12:30

A racially motivated comment still doesn't allow for the use of physical violence in retaliation.
A comment does not equal a physically violence response

I am sorry to hear that you have had the need to defend yourself so often that must have been difficult.

Telling someone off is not being timid or a victim. Choosing to do nothing is also not a being a victim.
Escalating a situation and being an aggressor is not a good move and will end up in arrest or a greater escalation in violence in return

Scremersford · 09/11/2015 12:53

Ronald "I am sorry to hear that you have had the need to defend yourself so often that must have been difficult"

My emphasis to show your victim blaming in what is presumably an attempt to make your own personal interpretation of things dominant. As if sexual harassment wasn't something any remotely attractive woman has to deal with on a near daily basis.

Do yourself a favour and stop telling people what to do. You are not some harbinger of correct successful behaviour between people. From what I've read of your comments so far, you don't come across as someone whose advice I would follow, or as someone with very wide or varied experience in life.

Escalating a situation and being an aggressor is not a good move and will end up in arrest or a greater escalation in violence in return

Well, it might. Then again, it might not. I'll take the consequences of any of my actions, and make my own choices.

And forgive me if I'm wrong or if this has been already pointed out, but the definition of assault includes putting someone in apprehension of violence, not just physical violence itself.

Gottagetmoving · 09/11/2015 13:09

The thing is (and yes, this is a generalisation; sue me), women DON'T tend to do that kind of thing. It tends to be men yelling/leering/whistling/gesticulating at women in the street, not the other way round

Absolute bollocks! Have you seen or heard a group of women on a night out?! Have you heard groups of teenage girls in the street?
It's a minority of men and women who do this. What people on here are recommending is that we all should slap and even punch someone for saying something that issexually offensive to us.
I know women who feel threatened by a man just looking at them, so I suppose it would be ok if they slapped in that scenario too.
I wouldn't be shocked to learn that those who advocate the slapping would probably think it ok for a woman to slap her partner if he upset her.
If I slapped anyone, I would expect a slap back.

wheelsonabus · 09/11/2015 13:13

He wasn't complementing her. He was harassing her to make her feel small. She knew it, he knew it. When this used to happen to me (from the age of 14 until 30ish) I felt constantly harassed. It was usually done in the street by men when I was walking in the opposite direction or cycling so I couldn't react to them. Every time I felt belittled and embarassed and they would laugh and enjoy the moment as I scuttled past. It is never ever a complement and never meant to be.

Now I don't think I would have slapped anyone if they had come right up to me and said it, but who knows?! How do we know how we would react if someone wanted to insult us like that in the street, totally randomly and without you being prepared for it. he must have come right up to her for her to slap him. Something triggered the fight or flight instinctive repsonse and he was the one who wanted a reaction.

So, YANBU to slap someone but if they insult you like that face to face in the street, then they should be prepared for an instinctive fight or flight response. So he's a fool. Just have a one liner prepared if it happens again because he might well have hit you back, because he's obviously an abusive arse.

wheelsonabus · 09/11/2015 13:15

*I mean YABU to slap someone, but....

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 09/11/2015 13:19

men are not objectified day in day out, they are not objectified in the media like women are constantly and boys are not sexualised from a young age

they may have comments shouted out on occasion no it is not right

yes I have heard and seen groups of teenage girls and boys both can be annoying and loud and sometimes disrespectful more often just being silly among themselves

and as it has been pointed out this is not about being offended it is about being harassed the op was verbally sexually harassed

i can say with confidence no women on here would think it would be ok to slap their partner if he simply upset her by saying something she did not agree with. if he upset her by being aggressive and intimidating screaming in her face and calling her names then i would accept that she slapped him as she felt fearful and it was a reaction to protect herself

BarbarianMum · 09/11/2015 13:19

Slapping someone around the face isn't ok unless you are in a bad Hollywood movie c1950. In which case vile sexism shouldn't bother you either.

I can't find it in myself to care very much about him though. Tosser.

MatildaTheCat · 09/11/2015 13:48

It was common practice in the Eighties to give a quick slap round the face when faced with men with wandering hands. OP, you were a bit unreasonable to hit him but I totally get why you did.

Luckily the offender probably doesn't frequent MN and may not be aware that he's been assaulted and due compensation. On the other hand I'd bet good money that he won't use this method of complimenting random strangers again any time soon. Grin

Sansoora · 09/11/2015 13:57

OP get help for your anger issues

I dont think she has anger issues.

I think she just wanted to be a 'have a go hero'.

BarbarianMum · 09/11/2015 13:59

"Wandering hands" are rather different ie sexual assault. Had he touched her, the OP would have been entirely justified in stuffing his teeth down his throat.

BrendaFlange · 09/11/2015 14:08

"working towards a change in the law so that sexually motivated remarks are treated as seriously as racially motivated comments."

hahahaha. Racial comments do not make hitting people legal.

And try being a young black teen who slaps someone in the street who makes a racial comment.

Scremersford · 09/11/2015 14:20

Brenda hahahaha. Racial comments do not make hitting people legal.

Do you have difficulty with making connections? And whats remotely funny about it?

If sexual harassment were treated as seriously as other forms of harassment, victims might not feel so threatened and therefore in need of self defence, if their aggressors were likely to be charged with an offence.

BrendaFlange · 09/11/2015 14:21

Actually Scremer you have made me proper annoyed with that comment.

Getting a criminal record really matters for many - it wrecks your employment chances and all sorts of other opportunities. You really think black people are immune from abuse in the street because of some magic law? And you really think a black person who slapped someone in public would get away with an argument in mitigation that someone shouted a comment? When you look at the stats between what happens to black and white people in the criminal justice system for the same offences?

You really think the courts would make you a precedent-setting heroine because in the situation the OP was in - i.e NOT claiming that she felt physically threatened, by a man who had not touched her and was making no impetus to show that he intended to - that the courts would let you off? Or that the public at large are in favour of people making violent reactions to comments? As her on MN many people would sympathise, but that's different from legally sanctioning hitting people in the street.

When I have a woman's world of equality I don't want it to be one that allows hitting people for out of line comments.

(I am the parent of a black child)