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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to have slapped his face?

329 replies

BMW6 · 08/11/2015 19:00

This afternoon a man (mid fifties) in the street said to me "excuse me darlin' but can I tell you you've got really impressive tits"

Without any thought I slapped his face and gave him a raging dressing down - he just stood there stunned looking and mumbled "sorry darlin'" (which enraged me all the more)

I am conflicted - part of me is horrified that I reacted violently, the other part is still fuming and kind of glad I slapped him.

Did I over-react?

Blush but also Grin

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 10/11/2015 12:14

piper

as I said all people to behave reasonably

when that has failed and someone has sexually harassed you - not escalating that situation to one of assault and battery seems like a good shout
a good shout, as the OP did after assaulting the man, is a much better, legal and safer way to deal with the situation

RonaldMcDonald · 10/11/2015 12:18

screme

anyone reading this knows that that, whilst what you might be thinking or feeling, is blatantly not the case

your comments have been deleted because they were unreasonable in their comment and untrue in their content. I suggest that your last comment is also unreasonable and a misrepresentation of what has occurred on the thread.

I hope you can agree to leave it there

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 10/11/2015 12:39

assault and battery isn't that when you make a threat of violence

the op didn't threaten him with violence

Scremersford · 10/11/2015 12:41

Ronald can you confirm if you are a male or a female poster?

I am, naturally, extremely cynical of what I read on the internet. Anyone can pretend to be anyone they choose to be. For instance, if someone got a kick out of making women uncomfortable and then exercising control over them. I would however remind you that it is the courts which apply the law, not you.

Neither are you, as is clear from your comments, an expert on self defence. You know perfectly well that it is impossible to advocate a certain response in all cases of harassment/threatened assault, and it would be extremely unwise to do so.

However you want posters on this thread and their responses to be under your control, to agree to what you say, and that is very disturbing. Very, very disturbing indeed. Again, I will say it is up to the courts to enforce the law, not you. And usually that involves interpreting it correctly.

I trust you can confirm however that you have hounded me throughout this thread with the following, mainly very offensive comments:

I am sorry to hear that you have had the need to defend yourself so often that must have been difficult.

Luckily I am not saying this to you face to face given your attraction to physical violence

I realise that you have had your own issues and are projecting them upon this situation.

anyone reading this knows that that, whilst what you might be thinking or feeling, is blatantly not the case

I haven't been raped or badly sexually assaulted, quite possibly because I took appropriate physical action. Goodness knows what you would say about a woman who had been!

itsmine · 10/11/2015 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheelsonabus · 10/11/2015 12:56

It's an interesting question - how far can a woman go in defending herself without actually crossing the line into assault?

Aren't you allowed to respond with equal force? I would say it could be argued his harassment could have made her feel she had to react physically to get him out of her way. A slap is not a punch and not likely to cause any lasting damage. His comments were much more harmful to her than her reaction to him, because it can make you very self conscious as a woman if a man accosts you like this (I fear many of us have been there). Also, if a woman has had previous sexual harassment or assault she might be fearful of attack (although the OP in this case wasn't). All this would have to be taken into consideration. I can't see any court of law making the decision that what OP did was more harmful than what the man did to her.

I would like all this sort of street harassment taken much more seriously because it is the thin end of the wedge of all sorts of sexual and physical harassment women have to put up with.

Scremersford · 10/11/2015 13:02

itsmine I have to be absolutely truthful and say that I was initially very disturbed by Ronald's comment early on I am sorry to hear that you have had the need to defend yourself so often that must have been difficult.

All I did was narrate how I had a stalker who was showing signs of violence, that I hit with a pair of shoes I had in my hand when I thought they were coming for me again, and how they never bothered me again!

That's all. I'm a lawyer currently on ML, I've worked in the courts (not criminal but I have friends who do), I've spoken about what I did with police officers who are friends, and every single one has confirmed that I took the right action.

I certainly haven't been subject to the need to defend myself often, have never for instance had an abusive or violent partner (I think I'm quite good at avoiding men like that...)

He/she has since gone through all of my posts and asked for them to be deleted.

There is just something about this posters' postings that disturbs me a lot. It reminds me of setting up a scenario in advance to excuse something. Rather than being violent towards someone who came out with comments like that, I'd be avoiding them like the plague! I'd stay away from them, as much as possible...

Sorry, I really am totally creeped out! I'm not a nervous person, but an instinctive one.

ConsciousPilot · 10/11/2015 13:02

Piper, it seems MNHQ agree that you were, once again, breaking Talk Guidelines. I am not personally attacking you, but I will continue to point out when a poster is perpetually calling 'troll!' across the boards like she is an unhinged harpy. I will also continue to report them. I have pointed out your relentless and deliberate extrapolation wherever you post - that is not a personal attack, it is a plea to your sensibilities.

RonaldMcDonald · 10/11/2015 13:05

screme

I haven't mentioned control at any point.

Control, escalation and aggression seems to be something that you are observing, labelling or suggesting.

These are your observations and issues to deal with and I will leave them with you

I have advocated not causing harm and of not escalating a situation into one of physical violence.

You have repeatedly suggested violence as an answer.

The OP was sexually harassed. She slapped the harasser and verbally gave him a dressing down. I feel that her slapping the harasser was unnecessary, unsafe and illegal.

Nothing else you have said regarding my posts are in context or accurate. I feel that you are unfairly attacking me and misrepresenting what I have said due to your personal perception. I have asked you repeatedly to stop.

ConsciousPilot · 10/11/2015 13:12

I haven't found Ronald's posts to be disturbing, although I find Scremer's insistence that she is a man hounding her to demonstrate disturbing paranoia and an unsavoury determination to close her down.

Scremersford · 10/11/2015 13:15

Conscious I have simply responded, maybe I have responded in a certain way because I am disturbed by what I have seen written. But I have made no attempts to "close down" the poster. I have certainly not asked mumsnet to delete their posts or their comments to me, many of which I have found offensive.

If I did wish to close them down or prevent them posting their views, I would be trawling through their posts on this thread reporting them to mumsnet.

As I've said, I'll rely on my own instincts. They've always served me well. Other people's experiences may vary.

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 10/11/2015 13:21

Hi everyone - seems that a reminder for peace and love is in order. There are some nasty accusations being thrown around, plenty of personal attacks, and this thread is turning into a bun fight, or technically two separate bun fights.

If you have any concerns, please do report them to us and we'll take a closer look.

Bambambini · 10/11/2015 14:19

How did I miss this? The disgusting intimidating fucker deserved it. I can just imagine the how angry, insulted and taken aback I'd feel. My only issue is that he might have hurt you back or you could have got in trouble.

I don't blame you at all OP, it was a shock reaction.

MephistophelesApprentice · 10/11/2015 14:27

Giving him a dressing down was essential, reasonable and positive thing to do.

Hitting him was not.

Libitina · 10/11/2015 14:35

YABU OP, violence is never the answer, no matter how much of a twat he is.

Bigoldsupermoon · 10/11/2015 14:41

Not RTFT, but good on you, OP Grin

expatinscotland · 10/11/2015 14:43

I had a man invite me to shag him in an alley last month. He was so hot, though, I almost considered it.

Bambambini · 10/11/2015 15:11

Well I noticed Ronald's posts before Scremer made a point about them. Calm, controlling and snidely trying to goad Scremer into reacting. Sneaky, t'was noted. I actually felt uncomfortable about them.

Bambambini · 10/11/2015 15:13

"YABU OP, violence is never the answer, no matter how much of a twat he is."

Of course violence can be the answer. Violent, nasty folk love folk that think like that.

itsmine · 10/11/2015 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiperChapstick · 10/11/2015 16:45

Piper, it seems MNHQ agree that you were, once again, breaking Talk Guidelines. I am not personally attacking you, but I will continue to point out when a poster is perpetually calling 'troll!' across the boards like she is an unhinged harpy. I will also continue to report them. I have pointed out your relentless and deliberate extrapolation wherever you post - that is not a personal attack, it is a plea to your sensibilities.

I said troll once about very troll-like behaviour. Hardly perpetually accusing Hmm
And pardon me for having a different opinion to you. Not sure why you seek me out, but in sure you feel very noble indeed putting naughty little me in my place Grin

PiperChapstick · 10/11/2015 16:47

The OP was sexually harassed. She slapped the harasser and verbally gave him a dressing down. I feel that her slapping the harasser was unnecessary, unsafe and illegal

Well how do you feel about he sexual harassment? You seem to be saving your disgust for the woman only

PiperChapstick · 10/11/2015 16:47

*the

BrendaFlange · 10/11/2015 19:17

"Well how do you feel about he sexual harassment? You seem to be saving your disgust for the woman only"

That is a wild extrapolation. It is the OP asking for opinions. If the perpertrator of the comments appeared asking for an opinion I am sure the right amount of disgust to please you would be expressed.

Of course people are disgusted with the man and his comments. Hmm

RonaldMcDonald · 10/11/2015 19:34

I have to admit that I am indeed calm. My apologies.

I will try to bear in mind, in future, that some people may/could construe calm as snide or controlling.

I will endeavour to embrace irrationality, to recommend violence, to conflate dissimilar personal issues with the topic or behave in some other maladaptive fashion.

After all it is AIBU and to do otherwise is somehow suspect