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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to have slapped his face?

329 replies

BMW6 · 08/11/2015 19:00

This afternoon a man (mid fifties) in the street said to me "excuse me darlin' but can I tell you you've got really impressive tits"

Without any thought I slapped his face and gave him a raging dressing down - he just stood there stunned looking and mumbled "sorry darlin'" (which enraged me all the more)

I am conflicted - part of me is horrified that I reacted violently, the other part is still fuming and kind of glad I slapped him.

Did I over-react?

Blush but also Grin

OP posts:
FithColumnist · 08/11/2015 23:34

YANBU! He got a slap in the face for a comment that was blatantly put of order. Astonished that people are screaming assault here: it's not like OP battered him.

MrsDeVere · 08/11/2015 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrendaFlange · 08/11/2015 23:51

I agree that what he said was out if order. The OP felt offended.

Some Muslims feel offended about things (verbal and pictorial) which, in their opinion, are an insult to Islam, and some make a violent response.

Ok, the man in the OP suffered, as far as we know, no lasting injury.

He was rude. Can we not challenge people over their behavior without being offended?

The OP was clear that she did not feel physically threatened by him.

Telling him why his behaviour was wrong was wholly admirable. How was slapping him not resorting to violence as a result of feeling offence?

Brioche201 · 09/11/2015 01:02

Can't believe the number of people condoning violence
Neither do I understand how slapping him was self defence
Surely hitting someone is escalating the situation

alleypalley · 09/11/2015 01:35

I have to say I'm with MrsDV on this one.

There seems to be a lot of focus on saying that the OP was just insulted, no she wasn't she was verbally sexually assaulted. Also that she slapped him because she was offended and pissed off, well what if the next woman is slightly less self confident, or maybe been the victim of sexual abuse before, or a teenage girl, maybe they felt scared and intimidated. Would it then be justified to slap him?

I wouldn't encourage anyone to slap a man in this situation, but only because it could potentially put them in more danger.

CatMilkMan · 09/11/2015 01:53

YABU and so is everyone condoning violence, how would you feel if he slapped her back? I suppose that violence wouldn't be acceptable even if it was after OPs.

Senpai · 09/11/2015 02:40

There seems to be a lot of focus on saying that the OP was just insulted, no she wasn't she was verbally sexually assaulted. Also that she slapped him because she was offended and pissed off, well what if the next woman is slightly less self confident, or maybe been the victim of sexual abuse before, or a teenage girl, maybe they felt scared and intimidated. Would it then be justified to slap him?

To the letter of the law (at least in the US), yes. Intent needs to be established. Are you hitting because you felt threatened, or are you hitting because you lost your temper? The former is self defense, the latter is assault. In fact if you over react because you're frightened it's called imperfect self defense.

That said, sexual harassment is not protected speech, nor is any other manner of speech that directly threatens or intimidates a person up to and including racist slurs, death threats, and of course sexual harassment. So free speech does not apply to this situation.

I wouldn't recommend hitting anyone you aren't prepared to get hit back by, no matter how much they deserve it. Which means, physical violence should be a last resort. OP got lucky that the guy was willing to sit there and take it. Next time she might not be so lucky and end up in the hospital from a fight that could be avoided.

Sansoora · 09/11/2015 03:25

Charlie Hebdo?

Well thats the Muslim analogy taken care of and all we need now is the Autistic one. Hmm

Oh and OP - you acted like something out of Downtown Abbey with your slap. You should have just told him to F off.

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/11/2015 03:27

Couldn't agree more with everything MrsD is saying on this thread.

I have been groped in nightclubs and tubes before - people (men) taking advantage of crowded situations.

When it happened in a nightclub, my reaction was entirely visceral. I wanted that hand off me, and I reacted physically to swipe it away. Apologies if that doesn't fit with how a lady should react, or if intellect should have overruled instinct. It just didn't.

You insult, intimidate and anger someone - you can damn well expect a reaction. Should it be a physical one? No, clearly not, but if it is, the last thing you should possibly be is surprised or put out. As for the people feeling sorry for him(?!), I seriously have no words.

Senpai · 09/11/2015 03:34

Well thats the Muslim analogy taken care of and all we need now is the Autistic one.

I'm pretty sure 100% of all autistic people understand commenting on someone's tits is wrong.

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/11/2015 03:52

I wouldn't be so sure about that, it happens with depressing regularity from NT people, for starters.

Of course, those who do it know it's wrong, but they seem to get pleasure in doing it, anyway.

Atenco · 09/11/2015 04:32

I would have done exactly the same, OP, and I am a pacifist

Aliceinwonderlust · 09/11/2015 06:23

I think the attitude on the thread is bizarre and it happens throughout MN. So many people posting nothing but the information that it is assault.

So??

Believe it or not, MN aren't the police. Telling the OP it's assault doesn't add a thing to the thread. Basically what you're saying is YABU because you broke the law which you must never ever do

It's not about defining or parroting law. It's about whether it's unreasonable to slap someone when insulted. You may be horrified by the idea of striking another person and that's fine. But if your only opinion on it is giving it a name, what are you adding? Bugger all.

Anyway OP I must admit I am
Quite shocked you hit him rather than descending into a screaming hot mess as I would've done. It's not on but not the end of the world really. There are people in this country giving each other a smack day in day out so its hardly headline news. He sounds awful but I don't think I'd be doing it again Wink

PrincessMouse · 09/11/2015 07:01

Having slept on it and reading your post again with a clear no major, never drinking again hangover head, I still believe you were unreasonable Op.

There is no denying his a disgusting and ignorant man with what seems to be little respect for women if his idea of a compliment is ogling their breasts and/or generally objectifying them. Yes what he said to you was and is totally unacceptable and you have a right to feel hurt, angry, demeaned and objectified. You have a right to put him in his place and tear a shrewd off him and his behaviour. After all his an arse.

However, you hit him because you lost control. That's unreasonable IMHO.

Anyway, I hope you are feeling a bit better after that awful encounter.

PrincessMouse · 09/11/2015 07:03

Shred not Shrewd...

BrendaFlange · 09/11/2015 08:00

"I would have done exactly the same, OP, and I am a pacifist"
Well, no, you are not.

OK - I withdraw the Charlie Hebdo comment, I agree it was a bit like the point in which an internet thread invokes the Nazis.

Hitting someone to get them off groping you is different from hitting someone because they have said something. Even if it was a verbal sexual assault - which it was.

I don't care whether it is against the law or not (except for the added vulnerability that it gave the OP), crossing the line into violence is crossing the line into violence.

Gottagetmoving · 09/11/2015 08:16

He didn't insult her? Of course he did. What the hell do you think constitutes an insult? Was he just a bit crude in expressing his appreciation of her breasts

Yes. He was crude and obnoxious. He shouldn't have approached her or made any comment about her breasts. It is horrible.
OP was able to and did give him verbal abuse back.
Slapping/hitting was not needed and she would have been found guilty of assault. You may not like that but it's fact.
If the man had touched her or tried to, then that would be different.

hackmum · 09/11/2015 08:24

OP, if I'd been there, I'd have cheered you on.

The only way in which you were BU is that he could have hit you back harder - you were putting yourself at risk. As he didn't, however, you get a massive Well Done from me. And I hope it deters him from talking to other women in the same way.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 09/11/2015 08:32

OP wasn't groped, and she has said that she didn't feel threatened.

In my mind, it's exactly the same as dealing with a 5 year old. Since I wouldn't advise anyone of any age to go around to belting people in the street - there are always other ways of making your point, whether to a lecherous idiot or a bullying preschooler.

Sansoora · 09/11/2015 08:36

*Well thats the Muslim analogy taken care of and all we need now is the Autistic one.

I'm pretty sure 100% of all autistic people understand commenting on someone's tits is wrong.*

I think you've deliberately misunderstood what I said but just to clear things up - My point is that for some a discussion isnt a discussion without the mention of Muslims/Islams, just as for others its not the same without ASD being brought into it.

We had had one of the same old, same old, analogies brought up and I was very tongue in cheek saying - how long till the other one gets brought in to it.

As for your last sentence - don't ever put money on it. Some of our people just never get it or understand it.

BrendaFlange · 09/11/2015 08:42

Crossing a line between verbal assault and physical assault needs no analogies - that is the point.

Some people, (babies and toddlers, SOME people with mental illness, SOME people with SOME SEN, for example) cannot help hitting people, they simply do not have control over whether they cross that line.

The OP either decided to cross the line and has taken a view that hitting people is an acceptable response to verbal assault, or she lost control.

Enjolrass · 09/11/2015 08:55

I would have done exactly the same, OP, and I am a pacifist

This made me laugh!

hackmum · 09/11/2015 09:10

The important thing to remember is the context. This isn't two equal people, person A and person B, who have a disagreement. This is a society in which person A is the member of a group, men, who have power over women and who use that power to intimidate, harass and belittle women. Not only do men have power as a group, but they are almost always bigger, stronger and heavier than women. There are very few women who can beat a man in a fight.

There's a huge difference between hitting someone who is weaker than yourself and hitting someone who is both physically and socially more powerful than you. It's akin, say, to the difference between a 12-year old thumping a 6-year old and a 6-year old thumping a 12-year old.

My only criticism of the OP is a pragmatic one - she could have received a very nasty slap back. But morally, I think she was absolutely in the right.

Sansoora · 09/11/2015 09:15

This is a society in which person A is the member of a group, men, who have power over women and who use that power to intimidate, harass and belittle women.

Perhaps he didn't slap her back because she is a woman and though he was an arse he wasn't that much of one that he'd hit a woman.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 09/11/2015 09:34

he is an arse though

he feels it is his right to humiliate, degrade and intimidate women

that is the usual thought pattern for abusive men

really would you be surprised if you found out his hit his partner or ex partner too or think no never he has such respect for women