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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that this is downright nasty and uncalled for, and says more about him than me!

66 replies

Pink6string · 08/11/2015 13:49

I am a long time lurker needing to get this off my chest!

I started a new job last Monday at a really fab company. I am enjoying it, although it is very intensive and there is a huge mount to remember and get done within the day/week, but I love to be kept busy so am really like the job. The person I am taking over from is moving to a different department in a few weeks and is training me in this role.

On Friday the person training me (I will call her Abby) was in a meeting and had left me some work to do. I was in outlook reading an email response to one I had sent earlier and the in company message service popped up (I think it's called link, or something like that). There was a new message from another colleague of ours (who is sat right in front of me/us). I saw the message wasn't for me so went to minimise the pop up (why he messaged her when he knew Abby was in a meeting and could see I was at her computer, I do t know) before I clicked the button to minimise it I noticed that there were a few previous conversation 'threads' and in the last one my name (full name) was mentioned so I read it. Wrong I know but I was curious.

The things he had put there and said about me were awful, he started by saying 'I hate her', Abby replies 'who' he then replies with my full bloody name Sad it goes on for a while like this, him saying that he thinks I'm boring and that my house smells (WTF!). Abby neither agrees nor disagrees with him and doesn't actually say anything nasty but doesn't challenge his attitude.

This message was sent on Wednesday of last week.
I was pretty upset when I read it, he doesn't know me, it was my first week in a new job, a new role for me, learning a lot of new things, meeting new people and on top of it all I have had a stinking cold since last weekend. So maybe I didn't make a very good first impression with him and maybe even Abby, but AIBU to think it's pretty nasty and uncalled for. We all make snap judgments but to act on it like this before he really even knows me at all says more about him being a pretty horrible person.

OP posts:
hebihebi · 08/11/2015 13:55

He's an insecure twat. Really, don't let his awful attitude drag you down. Just focus on the work and being friendly but professional with everyone until you find your feet.

Pipestheghost · 08/11/2015 14:01

Has he been to your house?
If not what a weird comment to make. Just ignore him, what a twat.

Sighing · 08/11/2015 14:02

Big red glaring arrow at the office "nasty" there. How awful for you. There's probably a reason why he goes unchallenged Angry as above. Be nothing but professional and friendly. The idiot will stay the idiot.

Original poster
Pink6string · 08/11/2015 14:04

It has been playing on my mind. I need to try to forget about it.

Normally I don't give a shit what people think of me, it just kinda stopped me in my tracks I was pretty shocked because he hasn't actually been anything other than friendly to my face, and nope he has never been to my house, my house doesn't smell. I only met him last Monday for the first time.

DH and I have had a horrible 6 months and this is the first job I actually felt was perfect for me and the environment we work in is just lovely. I came from a bloody awful job before this that was in your face nasty, shouting with crap managers. This was supposed to be a new start job wise for me.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 08/11/2015 14:04

I would have taken a screenshot of that, just in case I needed it in future.

Original poster
Pink6string · 08/11/2015 14:06

Everyone there has been really nice, including me in nights out for Christmas that have already been booked and secret Santa etc. there has been no outright hostility to my face IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pink6string · 08/11/2015 14:07

Imperial I sent it to my personal email and then deleted it from the sent folder.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 08/11/2015 14:10

I would bring this up with your line manager tbh, let them know from the start you arent going to treated like shite just because you're new. Call him on his behaviour, it is bound to be in breach of some policy or other to bitch about colleagues using the company's message system.

Salmotrutta · 08/11/2015 14:12

I'm fairly sure the company would take a very dim view of someone using their e-mail system to send nasty messages!

Don't let one knobhead spoil your new job - clearly this person is an idiot and probably a bully too.

Pipestheghost · 08/11/2015 14:16

You're right, it does say more about him than you. Don't let him spoil your new job, but keep an eye on him.

flippinada · 08/11/2015 14:17

What a horrible individual - definitely him and not you. That comment about your home is very odd and unpleasant (WTF indeed) and I can understand why it would be playing on your mind.

I see you're keeping a record of this, which is a good idea. Maybe put it to one side and have a think about how to respond.

Original poster
Pink6string · 08/11/2015 14:19

I don't want to bring it up with my manager. She is lovely. However I don't want to be complaining after only a week in the job.
I'm going to be professional and just carry on with my job. I will speak with my manager should I find it happens again.

I was just a bit WTF over the whole thing, not to mention upset when I initially read the message!

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 08/11/2015 14:25

You poor thing, how awful. He sounds a shit stirrer. At least the other woman was uncommitial in her replies, but to say things like this is out of order.
No advice, but chin up. Its him, not you.
Hope next week is better.

SurlyCue · 08/11/2015 14:34

I don't want to bring it up with my manager. She is lovely. However I don't want to be complaining after only a week in the job.
I will speak with my manager should I find it happens again.

It will happen again, you may not find out about it but it will. Because as far as he is concerned no-one knows and no-one has called him on it. So yes, it will happen again. Seriously, nip it in the bud now. Even if you dont speak to your manager tell him directly that you saw his comments about you and that you will be reporting him to your manager (even if you dont plan to) if possible find the relevant policy that refers to appropriate use of company email and inform him that he is in breach of it. Let him know you have screen shots of everything he said. This may sound extreme but you have to work with this asshole, set your cards on the table from the start, you are not going to stand for any shit and this is his only warning. Otherwise him and others will just assume its fine to bitch about you like that. Dont be a pushover. Who cares if its week 1? You dont deserve to be treated like that in your job.

BusShelter · 08/11/2015 14:35

I would raise it with whoever is in charge. If I was a manager I would want to know. It's incredibly unprofessional. It's bad enough thinking or saying crap like that but to actually write it in a company email is outrageous.

I think you would be making a mistake to keep it to yourself.

You mustn't fret about it though. He's obviously a nasty person. I'd be really pissed off with Abby for not challenging it.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2015 14:37

Oh Lord, every office has one and unfortunately you got a load of him with both barrels. If you can, try to let it go, it does say more about him than you. But, do keep in the back of your mind what he's capable of. The office witch in my last workplace was not only full of bile, but was not above trying to do dirt on someone she didn't like (that was me, unfortunately).

Just be polite and businesslike with him. Stay away from him as much as possible and never get into a conversation which reveals personal information. Light and breezy and terribly busy, that should be you!

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/11/2015 14:38

He sounds awful, what a nasty piece of work. In your shoes, I would be very pleasant to him, be a really lovely person to be around (which I am sure you are). That completely takes his "power" away. He is clearly very insecure and possibly threatened by your presence and you won't be the first person he's picked on and you won't be the last. People like that always out themselves in the end.

I hope you have a lovely week next week...head held high, smile on your face Flowers

phoebemac · 08/11/2015 14:45

Maybe this is a positive thing to have happened - you've discovered he is a little shit and know not to trust him. Be professional but keep your distance. I wouldn't say anything to your manager just yet, see how things go.

Potatoface2 · 08/11/2015 14:58

i wouldnt mention it at all.....reading someone elses emails is a no no...as someone else said...be professional and keep your distance...see how things go....also he may be like that all the time and everyone knows what he is like and just ignores him ..observe for now

ragged · 08/11/2015 15:04

At least Abby didn't agree with him.
It's not her place to tell him what he should think of people, although foolish of both to have a recorded conversation like that.

Well, he's marked his card, hasn't he?! Two faced twat indeed. Be wary but professional at all times.

wecanbuthope · 08/11/2015 15:07

I was in a training group once with a group of other new starters too and towards the end of our training (week 5) some people from the department we were joining came in for re-training

Towards the end of the day we all noticed them sending emails back and forth slagging us all off.

When I joined the floor one of them asked me out on a date after a couple of week and I said there and then I'd witnessed the emails and why would he want to go out with someone he clearly disliked? Grin

Original poster
Pink6string · 08/11/2015 15:07

Do you think I could make my manager aware as opposed to wanting her to do/say anything about it.

I had permission to read Abby's emails I don't yet have my own work space, computer or emails and I was covering her while she was in a meeting. Yes I should have probably not read the previous message thread in the link pop up however it had my name in it and I wanted to know why.

Normally I would have mentioned it to my line manager but only being one week in I'm not sure about doing so. I do want him to know I know but as he hasn't been overtly nasty to my face I'm not sure how to go about it!

Urghhh I kinda wish I hadn't read it now Blush

OP posts:
MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 08/11/2015 15:10

It must've been horrible to read that.

I wonder if he's making a point about being fed up that Abby's moving depts rather than actually having any personal ill will towards you? Perhaps he's saying, 'I hate her!' about you coz you're not Abby and he's going to miss her? Maybe he's complaining that you're boring coz he likes working opposite Abby and doesn't want that to change? (Although saying your house smells is a weird thing to say! Who says that?!)

Just an idea but whatever his issue you are now forewarned that he is an arse. Try not to let him spoil your new job.

MissTwister · 08/11/2015 15:10

Could it have been a joke? Like they were friends and he didn't want her to move job so he was like 'I hate the new you and her house smells' in a jokey manner. It's the kind of thing I could imagine writing to a good friend but really not properly meaning it!

SummerNights1986 · 08/11/2015 15:12

I'd go for the passive aggressive route. Can you forward that email to him, with a very nice and reasonable work related request? He can see the history then and know you've read it.

Even if you weren't supposed to be looking in the folder the email was, he's hardly going to bring it up to management is he?!? Hopefully it would just make him get the creeping death/cringe feeling.