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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that this is downright nasty and uncalled for, and says more about him than me!

66 replies

Pink6string · 08/11/2015 13:49

I am a long time lurker needing to get this off my chest!

I started a new job last Monday at a really fab company. I am enjoying it, although it is very intensive and there is a huge mount to remember and get done within the day/week, but I love to be kept busy so am really like the job. The person I am taking over from is moving to a different department in a few weeks and is training me in this role.

On Friday the person training me (I will call her Abby) was in a meeting and had left me some work to do. I was in outlook reading an email response to one I had sent earlier and the in company message service popped up (I think it's called link, or something like that). There was a new message from another colleague of ours (who is sat right in front of me/us). I saw the message wasn't for me so went to minimise the pop up (why he messaged her when he knew Abby was in a meeting and could see I was at her computer, I do t know) before I clicked the button to minimise it I noticed that there were a few previous conversation 'threads' and in the last one my name (full name) was mentioned so I read it. Wrong I know but I was curious.

The things he had put there and said about me were awful, he started by saying 'I hate her', Abby replies 'who' he then replies with my full bloody name it goes on for a while like this, him saying that he thinks I'm boring and that my house smells (WTF!). Abby neither agrees nor disagrees with him and doesn't actually say anything nasty but doesn't challenge his attitude.

This message was sent on Wednesday of last week.
I was pretty upset when I read it, he doesn't know me, it was my first week in a new job, a new role for me, learning a lot of new things, meeting new people and on top of it all I have had a stinking cold since last weekend. So maybe I didn't make a very good first impression with him and maybe even Abby, but AIBU to think it's pretty nasty and uncalled for. We all make snap judgments but to act on it like this before he really even knows me at all says more about him being a pretty horrible person.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pink6string · 08/11/2015 15:15

wecan well done. It's mind boggling that some people go in for such bitchiness and then do an about turn once they actually get to know the person they were bitching about. Just shows how everyone judges but not everyone acts on it and then let's the self get to know the person.

In my previous job there was one person, just one, who was one of the most awful people I have ever had the displeasure to know and work with. She took an instant dislike to me and I (and everyone else in the office) were under no illusion that she intensely disliked me. I was at all time professional with her but in tears by the time I got home and before work which was why I left.
Least I knew where I stood with her!

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 08/11/2015 15:18

He is a twat.

But you can't really mention it without admitting to openings and reading her emails. I have used managers computers before, what you did is not ok. And the forwarding it to yourself is really bad too.

Personally I wouldn't do anything, I would be happy I knew what a dick he was. But leave it at that

DoreenLethal · 08/11/2015 15:19

I know you don't want to tell your manager but that's their job - to manage people. And if he is like this now then it might get much much worse. To be honest, messaging Abby when you were sat at her computer knowing that you might be able to see the messages could be stupidity or it could be just bullying.

I'd take the printout to your manager, and ask her advice on how you should play this, now that you have seen the messages and you are sure they were meant to be read as you were sat at Abby's computer when they were sent.

He may have done this before, so don't let him get away with it.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 08/11/2015 15:30

Could it have been a joke? Like they were friends and he didn't want her to move job so he was like 'I hate the new you and her house smells' sounds plausible to me. Me and DH have a bit of a long standing 'joke' going on where we say 'I hate work... it's bum smells' or ' I hate xxxx... their bum smells' not meant in any way other than we are a bit pissed off that day in a ' don't want to go, don't want to see them today' kinda way. only funny to us tbh.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 08/11/2015 15:34

also I would be tempted to reply saying 'as you are aware I am new and am authorised to read Abby's e mails... perhaps you may like to delete the 'history' as I am sure you did not mean for me to read that ... PS my house smells of roses so alerting him to the fact that you have read it and that you have a sense of humour (assuming of course it was a bit of a silly joke in the first place ..see above)

XiCi · 08/11/2015 15:40

I agree that it's probably a joke thing between the two of them because he doesn't want her to leave. You really shouldn't have read messages that were obviously personal though I understand it's hard to resist when you see your own name. There is no way I would say anything right now. You're new, you like the job, everyone has been nice to you, including him. A complaint over something that may just have been a private joke would probably blow all of that out of the water. Keep the email by all means in case there are any further issues but I think it would be a mistake to raise one now.

cranberryx · 08/11/2015 17:03

We had a similar situation at work. HR called the person in and stated that all emails are company property and should be conducted as if the CEO could read them at any moment (if sent from your work email address)

They took a very dim view on the bitching.

I would forward to your manager, explain the situation and explain how uncomfortable it has made you considering everyone else has been so welcoming.

Perhaps mention you wanted to raise it with the manager first, instead of HR, as his behaviour could affect training or professional relationships in future (I am thinking sabotage)

Btw, his comment about your house was fucking weird and he needs to grow up, he sounds like a 6 year old proclaiming he hates someone so inmaturely.

XiCi · 08/11/2015 17:20

The comment about the house is what makes me think he was goofing around and that this wasn't a serious email

pinotblush · 08/11/2015 17:31

How does he know your house smells?

I'd not take it to heart, he doesn't know you.

I'm thinking it was more of a personal thing between them.

WheresMyBurrito · 08/11/2015 17:40

Whenever I've worked anywhere with an instant messaging service it's been really closely monitored by management. Is it the same at your new workplace?

It must have been so shitty to see that though OP. He's a jerk.

anotherbloomingusername · 08/11/2015 17:59

I'd probably be inclined to mess with him in some way. Hang 2 dozen of those tree shaped air freshners under your desk, if you sit nearby? Spray glade conspicuously whenever he approaches?

toffeeboffin · 08/11/2015 18:03

He probably applied for your job and didn't get it.

ragged · 08/11/2015 18:04

Original poster

Pink6string · 08/11/2015 18:38

anotherblooming I love your style

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2015 18:45

toffeeboffin may be on to something! That's what started the Office Witch in on me. I didn't find out about it for some time, until the rest of the staff started trusting me. As the 'new person' they really didn't know me and didn't know what I'd have done if they'd told me. Someone finally clued me in that she'd actually been told she had the job and then was told that I would be transferring in on a hardship transfer. Still vv unreasonable to hate me for it.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 08/11/2015 18:52

I don't think I would report it. Purely because it was the personal message service, not the actual emails. Keep the copy you sent to yourself though for future use if needed. At least you know what kind of person he is- be on your guard.

Pohtaytoh · 08/11/2015 19:09

This happened at a previous place of work, mean girl1 actually graduated to sending horrible messages directly to mean girl 2 (she was a bit of a mare having annaffair with a married manager but that still shouldn't get you abuse). Mean girl 2 took copies of the messages sent through company email to HR and mean girl 1 got fired.

It is never okay to send messages like that, indeed most companies have a policy on this. Report it, at best he'll get a good talking to about appropriate grown up work conduct. At worst they may look into his messaging history and find you aren't the first person he has done this to.

Doobigetta · 08/11/2015 19:13

Reply to his Lync message with "yeah, this is newgirl. I'm using Abby's login while she's away. Awkward!"

mommy2ash · 08/11/2015 19:39

Won't it show up in abbeys sent items as you have sent it to yourself?

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2015 19:47

He sounds awful, childish and immature. I woukd take a screenshot, or keep evidence for later.

Rainbunny · 08/11/2015 20:03

What a pathetic thing to do. He sounds a bit intellectually challenged to me tbh. Well, it's obviously nothing to do with you, he doesn't even know you, he just resents that someone (you) are new in his office (his territory). He may be trying to impress your colleague Amy, he may have some other resentment about your job or something, who knows or cares. He has done you a huge favour by letting you know what an arsehole he is - I wish I'd have had a heads up like that with a few colleagues I've dealt with in my time!

Just be professional and friendly, I wouldn't let on that I know what he's been writing about me, knowledge is a weapon. But... If he continues to be an arse towards you, it's very likely that all messenger communications are automatically stored by IT so make a note of the day & date in case you ever need to ask for that information to be found.

AngelSparks · 08/11/2015 20:31

Acrossthepond - whats "would be transferring in on a hardship transfer"?

glintwithpersperation · 08/11/2015 20:39

I agree that it sounds like an in joke between the 2 of them. I mean it's so completely juvenile it is unlikely to be serious. He doesn't want her to leave.

DontMindMe1 · 08/11/2015 20:56

"her house smells" is also code for 'she stinks/smells'.

i can understand you not wanting to make waves in your first week. He could just have an immature manner of communicating, it could be some kind of secret language between them OR he could be a bully.

If it were me, i'd do as stepaway suggested, it shows him you know AND you're not afraid of standing up to him, add in a little humour and the result is an "iron fist in a velvet glove" Keep hold of your forwarded email.

As time goes by you will find out whether he's out to sabotage you/bully you, at which point you can take it all to your manager. If they ask why you didn't speak up when you first got the email - just tell them the truth, that you were scared of getting colleagues into trouble and losing your job.

DontMindMe1 · 08/11/2015 20:58

Doobigetta that's brilliant!

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