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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

607 replies

Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 09:10

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 09/11/2015 11:53

Complete emotional blackmail - awful behaviour by your parents! They're bloody lucky you've seen them every Christmas so far. If they carry on this way they're going to completely alienate you. They need to man up.

Don't give in - stick to your guns.

YANBU.

Jhm9rhs · 09/11/2015 11:55

My goodness. They are being ridiculous. YANBU.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/11/2015 11:58

You still hold the cards - if they cancel this weekend then you might decide to spend the WHOLE of Christmas at home.....

Stay strong. You can do this

Original poster

Fieryfighter · 09/11/2015 12:03

I can't tell you all how much posting on here has helped, seeing all the helpful and supportive posts, it's really really made me feel much stronger and have conviction that I'm doing the right thing. I'm so used to being the appeaser and not wanting to upset them. Every time I've upset them in the past I've felt horrendous and I hate hate hate doing it as I feel so bad

OP posts:

Paintedhandprints · 09/11/2015 12:06

Sounds like you're thebparwnt to them op. How horrible for you. I hate when grown women turn on the waterworks to getbtheir own way. My Mil does this. You need to man up and think of your dc! Your poor ds is probably feeling horribly guilty for making granny cry. I would definitely have a chat with him about that. I would have said I was cancellingbthe whole Xmas visit and left if it was me. But I'm mean.

CFSsucks · 09/11/2015 12:09

Isn't there a term for this? F.O.G, they know exactly what they are doing OP, totally manipulating you and it's so clear to see from how afraid of them you are, what a good job they have done on you.

Your sister gets away with it because there are certain people who would never put up with it. I am one of them. The minute an adult would start to cry and and try to make me feel bad, the more I would dig my heels in and refuse to bend to their will. MIL tries it. If DH says the slightest thing that isn't 100% what she wants to hear, she cries and tells him how he has made her cry. An example, she was seeing a man, she wasn't really interested in him but is desperate and will have anyone who will have her and kept telling DH how she wasn't bothered and didnt really like him. They split (at her instigation), she was messaging DH wanting sympathy (very short RL btw) and he said that she wasn't fussed on him anyway. Cue the texts about how it was upsetting and how he had now made her cry. He just didn't reply. We don't 'feed' her when she cries, we ignore. Doesn't stop her trying it but she gets nowhere with it. Don't feed them OP. I cannot abide adults who do this.

Janeymoo50 · 09/11/2015 12:10

Blimey how awful for you, it's so over the top their reaction, I've never heard the likes!! Don't change your mind now though, it will be even harder the next time if you do. Can they come to you instead?

GreenPotato · 09/11/2015 12:10

OP well done.

I know that awful sick feeling of guilt and responsibility. But remember that parents shouldn't make you feel like this – they are supposed to be kind and supportive. I've now got to a point where I've been able to wave that guilt goodbye and it's great. I now see that I don't have to bend over backwards to protect the feelings of people who have no problem upsetting me. You are making progress towards that too and you are doing the right thing.

CFSsucks · 09/11/2015 12:12

Painted that's exactly what I would have said as well.

Ultimately why do your parents wishes override your DCs, that is something you can tell them when they continue to react badly.

We have always gone to relatives for Christmas dinner, last year we had them over instead and my DCs loved it and want the same again. I think they like the combination of staying home plus having guests so that is what we are doing. It's more about them than the adults anyway.

shovetheholly · 09/11/2015 12:13

You're doing really well fiery. It's so hard to stick to your guns when people pile on pressure like that. Make yourself a mantra: 'THEY are the ones being unreasonable'. And keep repeating.

This is completely NOT normal behaviour for adults!

DieRosen · 09/11/2015 12:17

I am the first to criticise posters who don't take their parents' feelings into account re Christmas, but in this case YADNBU and your parents are being terribly unfair.

Original poster

Fieryfighter · 09/11/2015 12:18

Janeymoo50

I'm going to say to them that we will come over late morning or if they prefer they can come to us (although I can't put them up overnight my mum barely drinks so they could drive home and if my sister and nephew come too god knows where I'll put them but I will offer!).

I know I'm doing the right thing but it's very very hard. I can only email as I know in person or on the phone it will be major trauma. I'm kind of expecting my mum to email anyway as we often do that but I'm literally holding my breath when my phone shows an email notification and then it's just some stupid Groupon thing or something!!

OP posts:

CrumbledFeta · 09/11/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 09/11/2015 12:30

Just joining the chorus of 'YANBU' and 'emotional blackmail'!

Good on you for deciding to email them. Stick to your guns.

hmmmum · 09/11/2015 12:53

It's controlling, emotional blackmail. The only way to protect yourself and your family is to put up some boundaries. I would stick to your plan of going over later that day, but having a morning at home. Maybe try and do that every year and they'll accept it as what's done. It's awful having parents who emotionally blackmail you like this - my friend does. Don't be a people pleaser. Stick to what you think is right. Be firm!! Your kids will benefit from you sticking up to them.

hmmmum · 09/11/2015 12:59

fireyfighter Just read the post about your email that you sent, that's great! I know it must be SO hard to do this, and so sorry you're having to go through this and deal with all this madness. Hope you have a really, really lovely Christmas despite it all and good times with your kids.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/11/2015 13:08

Just seeing this now.

I think you are most definitely not being unreasonable.

In relation to your last post I'm going to suggest something:
I'm going to say to them that we will come over late morning or if they prefer they can come to us (although I can't put them up overnight my mum barely drinks so they could drive home and if my sister and nephew come too god knows where I'll put them but I will offer!).

If your mum barely drinks, she can be the designated driver. If your parents usually accommodate you & your kids, your sister and her kids, couldn't they all drive back in your parents car to your parents house and sleep there? Why do you have to put them up at all? Why can't your family visit you and then your mum, dad, sibling(s) and niece/nephews leave together? You get to entertain, be the hostess and then they leave & you and your kids stay?

girlywhirly · 09/11/2015 16:07

I agree that YANBU. I believe though that not protecting your family and yourself against this manipulative behaviour of your parents is BU. You are already getting stressed and worried about the best course of action for Christmas day. If this is what being with them at Christmas does to you, please seriously consider not having them or only offer for them to come to yours for lunch.

The DC are going to their DF at teatime anyway aren't they? So parents, SIS and DN could leave before then.

You hold the cards over the lunch as you do the cooking. If they choose not to come to you, they will have to cater for themselves or eat out. I think you have spoilt them in the past, they are not infirm and I think with a bit of planning they could manage very well to make a Christmas dinner. If my 80 yo FIL could manage a roast with his poor eyesight I'm sure your parents could.

You must make sure that if they do come they do it on your terms.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2015 16:12

You're doing the right thing. Life evolves and we must evolve with it. My son married 18 months ago and I was used to him staying over Xmas Eve & Xmas night, and their plans were to go to her family Xmas Eve and to us Xmas Day. But although I was a teeny bit sad, I realize that it is right that he and my DiL make their own traditions, just as DH and I did when we married. And I still remember how magical our 'first married Christmas' was.

TheHoneyBadger · 09/11/2015 21:58

so your gps did it all, then your dad and his young dd (you) took over, then you.... what about your mother?

it wouldn't surprise me if she would somehow be unable to possibly consider driving them home if they came to yours for some fantasy reason. does she step up for anything?

has your father always been 'as' manipulative and difficult and poor me helpless as her or become more so in recent years?

all of this and what you've given away about years where your mother was clearly abusive to ALL of you and indulged in it makes it clear the family is really, really dysfunctional and probably always has been. bear in mind your sister has perhaps been messed up in different ways to you by this and has found different ways to cope with it than you but both of you have likely had your development affected by it and learned behaviour (however different) to try and defend yourself against it.

TheHoneyBadger · 09/11/2015 22:02

how one person copes with a screaming mother throwing plates at people and being impossible to please is different to how another copes (re: two children in the same house) but both will likely develop some traits and defenses and issues they could have done without if forced to live with that and have no power to change it.

what did your dad do when she was behaving like that by the way? what did he say to you and your sister about it and how, if at all, did he support the two of you in understanding or coping with such behaviour?

i think - post christmas and immediate drama there is probably a bit to reflect on.

shovetheholly · 10/11/2015 08:07

I wanted to add something: setting boundaries is the kind of job that gets easier over time. The start is the hardest part, because you are disrupting a long-established pattern of controlling behaviour and you get an extreme reaction that contains quite a bit of sheer shock that you've finally stood up to them. It's also the bit where your own reaction is the most extreme: all of that fear and guilt really surges around you. However, if you stick with it, the dynamic will shift. Your own feelings will become more positive about it. They will probably never stop trying to control you, but they will be aware that they can fail, and that is progress. Hang in there.

Senpai · 10/11/2015 08:19

Fuck knows where I'll put everyone mind!!

They live 25 minutes away, I drive longer to get to the shopping mall. They can go home after dinner, there's no reason to stay unless they're deliberately being difficult.

Unless you're all planning on getting drunk God knows you'll need some wine this xmas they don't need a room. But you can offer them a couch and leave it to them to decide.

Original poster

Fieryfighter · 10/11/2015 08:29

TheHoneyBadger

There was never any thought into how to affected my sister and I, no talks about it at all as I can remember. They used to have horrendous screaming arguments, calling each other the worst things they could think of with my sister and I cowering upstairs. Sometimes I'd go down and beg them to stop, pleading with them to think about my sister and I and they totally ignored it. The worst were the car arguments because there was no escape and they'd go mental at the wheel, swerving all over the road. Jeeez.... Happy memories :-/

OP posts:

Original poster

Fieryfighter · 10/11/2015 08:32

shovetheholly you're so right, this is awful, I can think of nothing else and feel horrendous and can't sleep but I'm taking comfort in that this needs to happen and can only get better (hopefully?)

Given my mum hang contacted me at all I'm pretty sorry they're still furious with me so I'm beginning to think we will be doing Xmas without them!

OP posts:

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