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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

607 replies

Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 09:10

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 15:18

To be fair to them I don't think they'd be moaning minnies on the day, but I would leave if they did. I have on occasion (very rare) done that. I think I need to make it very clear in my email that stropping isn't allowed!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2015 15:20

Their behaviour was bad, I wouldent put it past them for some of it to spill onto Christmas Day.

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 15:22

TheSilveryPussycat they do all the clearing up and do offer to help but tbh I just get on with things as I'm fine with it. They do all the shopping but I get the Turkey and few other bits and bobs.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2015 15:23

No wonder they are mad, you do everything! This would mean your youngish able parents, doing it for themselves for once.

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/11/2015 15:27

I see how this came about logistically as it were. Glad you have decided to stand firm. I enjoy cooking Christmas dinner, would rather do it in my own kitchen however :)

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/11/2015 15:29

Christmas food shopping, and clearing up is hardly nothing! I'd far rather cook Grin

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 15:33

I think that's why I cook ... Clearing up is the pits!! I do really make an effort to clean as I go thigh, so it's not too bad

OP posts:
diddl · 08/11/2015 15:39

"I think they would be just as happy to just be at home though and maybe see them boxing day but I think let's just get this one changed first?"

Well yes as long as the kids are OK with it.

You say that they've been asking over the years but yet you're still only thinking of a few hours at home & then off to GPs.

I mean if they are only half an hr away you could go in the evening & be there for Boxing Day!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2015 15:41

Well, perhaps you could offer the 'more time' as a bribe? Shame to have to treat them like sulky 3 year olds though.

"Yes, yes, I know you're upset. BUT, after all, we'll be getting to yours at 10 am and ex won't be picking the children up til 7 pm so you'll be having extra time with them! Won't that be fun?"

I do think you need to stick to your guns in the main, though. That you'll be having Christmas morning at home.

PS I'm an American so not exactly sure when tea time is. It seems to be either late afternoon (4 ish) or what I consider 'suppertime' (6 ish).

UptownFunk00 · 08/11/2015 15:50

I hate to be cynical but I think it's because they'd probably have to make Christmas dinner and you wont be doing all the work that is making them upset.

I hope I'm wrong though as that's beyond nasty.

If they were that upset the least they could've done was waited until a young child wasn't there how truly pathetic.

RivieraKid · 08/11/2015 15:58

Do let us know how the email goes. Damn right to be sticking to your guns and not caving in to their awful, manipulative behaviour. You're talking about a few hours and the response was there was 'no point putting up a tree' ??? What a couple of drama queens!

zipzap · 08/11/2015 15:59

When contacting them, remember to remind them that when you were a child you didn't go to your grandparents (I'm assuming from your OP) but every year you got to wake up at home and have the excitement of seeing that Santa had delivered your stocking to your bed etc etc - over egg it if needs be and remind them how much you loved it.

Then say that it is because you loved that side of things so much that you feel it is only fair to give that same experience to your own dc before they are too old - because although it's lovely being at their house, there's also something very special about having christmas in your own home, waking up in your own bed etc. And that they know that - that's why they gave that to you and why they still like it even now. But they have had decades worth of Christmas in their own home - you and your dc haven't ever had it.

They owe it to you to be happy that they have had the privilege of Christmas morning for so long and should be happy that you want to give to your children what they gave to you...

That way they can't really argue with you so much as you are giving them a compliment about the way that they gave you christmas as a child - makes them look unreasonable to deny something that was standard when you were young!

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/11/2015 16:02

Presumably when you were a child they cooked Christmas dinner? When did things change?

Now you are changing things again, and it's not a massive change really. Just the next step.

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 16:42

zipzap sadly no, I never got Xmas at home as we always went to my grandparents, lunch with one set then off to the other set for tea. We lived a couple of hours away and both sets of gp's in same town so came down for the whole event. I can't remember not being happy about it, I think I just accepted it.

One of my mother's arguments yesterday when I said we'd never had a Christmas at home was neither did they for 40 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 16:46

TheSilveryPussycat my nan cooked when I as younger, up till my student years then dad took over, but I always helped, then gradually did more and more until maybe 6/7 years ago I just said I'd be happt to do the whole thing for which they were very grateful. Think it was the year after the cremated turkey.... He's a pretty poor/odd cook and only thinks meat is fine of its practically turned to dust Grin

OP posts:
NettleTea · 08/11/2015 19:09

why cant your sister do it for one year. Why should you always do it?

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 19:34

I genuinely don't mind the cooking, I stress less than anyone else!

my sister sits on her arse drinking all Christmas and doesn't lift a finger or contribute anything, parents are too frightened of her kicking off to say anything. I've been much more vocal this year about how my sister faces no repercussions for rubbish behaviour to no avail.

One year her bf did the cooking as he's a chef. I kid you not we ate at 10.45pm at night!! We were eating pudding at just before midnight, he'd gone so overboard it wasn't ready till then. It was madness If my sister cooked it would be about the same but because she wouldn't get round to doing anything till late.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2015 19:36

And my response would have been "Well if you'd have liked to have had Xmas at home, if you'd spoken up like I am you would have had them. Just because you didn't doesn't mean I shouldn't. It's not up to me to 'pay back' for what you did in the past". But I expect that would only have made it worse.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/11/2015 06:07

I like the sound of your email, Fiery - hope it works well for you. :) Thanks

3phase · 09/11/2015 06:14

Yanbu OP.

I put my foot down this year about having Xmas at home. Sooo much easier when you have little people - we have 4 kids - transporting Xmas to my parents every year (need to get on a plane to get there) is a logistical nightmare. DH hates it too. Anyway they're grudgingly coming to me but are not making any attempt to be graceful about it. I'm dreading it. So pissed off with DB and SiL who are skiving for the third year running Hmm

CarlaJones · 09/11/2015 06:46

Good for you op. Stay strong.

CPtart · 09/11/2015 07:01

The needs and wants of your DC are more important than those of your parents. You are not responsible for their enjoyment of Xmas day, or any other festivities for that matter.
I would stick to your guns now, simply in order to reset the relationship. They sound very needy and over reliant and I would be fearful of ever increasing demands and expectations as they age, especially if anything happened to your DF.

TheWernethWife · 09/11/2015 10:43

M & S do lovely stuff for Christmas - already to be popped into the oven, no prep needed. Get them to do this and you stay at home with your kids and make your own nice memories.

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 09/11/2015 11:48

I've told the boys we will be here Xmas eve and morning so definitely no backing down now. I still feel sick about it though and have been hardly sleeping. Stupid I know.

I certainly want an apology for their behaving like that in front of ds2, I'm hoping that my mum will email me over the next day or two, having calmed down and I'm hoping they may have had a bit of a think. If I don't hear from them I'll be sending the email I've already mentioned but would like to hear their take after a couple of days.

I'd only remembered this morning that they're supposed to be taking my kids away this weekend to visit their other grandchild as he's moved away to college so she will HAVE to get in touch I think.

Saying that is entirely possible I get a terse email asking when they can pick up the boys on Friday.... Or worse that they're cancelling the whole trip as they're too upset :-/

I can't believe how much this is stressing me and how worried I am

OP posts:
Original poster
Fieryfighter · 09/11/2015 11:50

The food really isn't an issue tbh as I'd just simply prep the lot beforehand so it's just a matter of putting stuff in oven/on hob, no biggie. I do things like make the stuffing, gravy, cauli cheese in advance anyway

OP posts: