Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Oops, sorry clam, missed you post!

Yanbu

Don't give in and make it perfectly clear that this is your decision.

I feel for your DSs in all of this. You tell your parents (in front of DS2?) that your DS's wishes are the reason you want Christmas morning at yours. Then when the drama starts you leave DS2 downstairs with them all wailing? And then back down in front of DS2, bearing in mind it was presented as his request.

I really think your priorities need to be your DSs - and make it clear to them that where you celebrate Christmas is not their responsibility, but that you've listened to them and think that it's best for you and your DSs.

It's clear that you weren't doing this deliberately, but you're hiding behind your DC, and appeasing your DPs at the expense of your DCs wants and needs.

Hi, thanks for all the replies, just been reading them now as I've been at a remembrance day service.

In answer to some of the questions asked:

My eldest is 14 so may not have lots of Christmases left with both boys at home. ExH literally had no interest at all in Christmas as he was brought up not to celebrate it so didn't give a jot that we went away. Nowadays we take it in turns to have them Xmas eve, and swap over tea time Xmas day as he's become less militant about not doing Xmas plus he lives literally 5 mins away from my parents.To be fair whilst he is a complete twit he'd be flexible about changing arrangements if need be but the boys would be going to him at tea time then back with me at my folks lunchtime boxing day

This is typical behaviour from them, they can be very overdramatic and pessimistic. My dad had a spell in hospital a couple of years ago, and you would have thought he was dying . he had to stay in hospital a couple of hours away and my mum can't cope in the house on her own (scared of the dark) so she stayed in a nearby hotel, costing them hundreds which they put on credit cards and she'd come home once a week and I'd go over to their house to stay with her. They're not elderly, just in their 60's and pretty fit and active really.

The neighbours are dreadful, I've seen it myself, they have 5 dogs that bark endlessly and they do lots of spiteful petty things but my folks are more inclined to do the 'woe is me' bit rather than do anything. Whatever I suggest is usually met with a 'there's no point doing that' They are indeed drama llamas. I guess they may be depressed but they'd prefer to wallow in it than seek help, I spent my teenage years tiptoeing around mum due to job related stress/depression that took her ages to address, she would scream at you if you accidentally brushed her foot as you walked past for example or throw her plate across the room if dad said something to upset her and they had shocking arguments.

I've talked to my boys and we've decided that we are definitely going to spend Xmas eve here and the morning. I've also explained that their gparents over dramatic behaviour is not acceptable and unreasonable. I've started writing an email to them, but won't send out for a few days (once their sobbing has subsided!). I'm basically going to say this is what we're doing, we'd like to come over late morning and if they react badly to that then I'll say we'll stay here for the whole of Christmas. I'm also bloody going to tell them they can't ever behave like that in front of the kids again. My god this is so hard.

AskBasil I'm definitely going to read that! And I'm trying really really hard to be angry not upset

Get your kids together with their dad and discuss it as a family. If you don't want To go, then call them and tell them that as a family you will be staying at home this year.

And. Stick. To. It.

You can't give in to them forever. Your children have a right to the Christmas they want with their family. You have a right to the Christmas you want and the emotional blackmail has to be stopped

TinklyLittleLaugh

That is EXACTLY the kind of thing my folks would do if I suggested moving away!!

X post! Good for you love! :)

Oh they have a form for this, if it's not one thing irs something else. Op you will never please them, so just please yourselves. I would be inclined to spend all Christmas at yours, they sound very toxic. With the neighbours, it could well be tit for tat.

Oh well done Fiery!

Oh and also I took over there cooking from my dad a good few years ago as he's not the best cook at all and gets sooooo stressed out cooking. They do help with the prep but tbh I do more and more of that too as it's easier. I'd have gone over there prob Xmas eve morning to do as much prep as possible anyway and I'd still be cooking.

Good for you for telling them what you are doing.

Remember you haven't upset them - they have upset themselves, they chose to react how they did. It was a perfectly reasonable suggestion on your part, and they were very unkind to behave as they did - they must have known how upsetting it would be - and to sob in front of your little boy like that - horrendous behaviour, I hope he is OK and not upset or blaming himself in any way.

I have grown up children and am nearish to your parents age - I wouldn't dream of dictating to my DS and DDIL or my DD how they spend Christmas - they know they are always welcome, and generally DD spends the day with me (as she is single) and DS and DDIL pop over on Christmas Eve to swap presents and then have a quiet day together on Christmas day (DDIL used to host a big day for her extended family on Christmas day but it was stressing her out so much she said no more - good for her, now she actually gets to enjoy a nice relaxing day with DS) But if they all decided they had other plans for Christmas that didn't include visiting me that would be fine - I'd be happy they were having a good time and a nice break from work.

It is a ludicrous fuss over nothing there are plenty of days during the Christmas period for people to get together and have fun, it doesn't all have to be on the day. You've made them a nice offer to come over later in the day, if they chose to sulk and cut off their noses to spite their face that is their choice - they will regret it, And I bet anything that even if they say no, when it comes nearer the day they will change their minds and take up your offer.

Honestly, what an over reaction! And what a poor way for them to behave in front of your ds2! Is there maybe a possibility of them coming to you christmas morning instead of you having to spend every second there?

Fiery We always have FiL for Christmas, (MiL now passed away). Early on we laid out that ground rule that we would be at home for Christmas with our four kids, but all the family had an open invitation.

One year DS, who was 18 at the time, was required by his part time kitchen porter job to work on Christmas Day at lunchtime. We decided to swap our Christmas lunch to the evening to accommodate this. FiL, who professes to adore DS, immediately threw his toys out of the pram and said he hated the idea and wouldn't be coming unless we swapped it back. I told him, "Fine, see you on Boxing Day".

He caved, of course, though whinged about it. But the sheer selfishness of it shocked me.

Ds2 was really upset last night and this morning (I still feel sooo guilty) but we've had a good talk about how silly they are being and we had a bit of a laugh saying it's a bit like him having a tantrum and then we laughed about the time he said "if you all don't like me any more you can send me away and make me a tramp" . He's OK now and we've talked about how cool it's going to be waking up here Christmas day.

I'm not going to invite them here in the morning as we want it to be just us, i think that's partly why the kids want to be here. I think i am going to say they are welcome to come here for Xmas dinner or we'll come to them late Xmas morning. Fuck knows where I'll put everyone mind!!

Do your DC go to their dad Xmas Day this year? Could that be the root of the 'problem', that your parents will only have a short few hours with them Xmas Day before they go to their dad's? I'm not saying that's reasonable of them at all, far from it, but might explain a teeny part of their reaction.

Have they had a problem with this before? Pulling faces when they leave or such?

I do think you should stick to your guns, though.

Do not go there as a result of this appalling emotional blackmail. Stick to what you originally said you would do, and say that if it's going to cause a lot of stress perhaps it would be better for you to have the whole day at home. It's a ludicrous over-reaction on their part. They've had you at their home every Christmas since you were a child, it's your turn to have your family at your home now you're an adult. Maybe invite them to spend the day at yours?

My parents aren't thrilled that I've said we'll be at my home every Christmas I have the kids from now on, but they understand my point that my eldest is 13 and I have to start building our own family Christmas traditions.

Fantastic, put your kids first and you. They sound want for a better word unhinged, selfish and self centred.

Op has been doing this since before the kids. Now she wants to do things her way, they are having a strop.

So when your kids say that they want Christmas at home, what do they mean?

Just to wake up there & have a couple of hrs before off to GPs as usual?

Or would they like the whole day at home?

AcrossthePond55 I don't even think they thought about it, they were so upset we wanted Christmas eve and morning at home.

They would be going to their dad's tea time, but back midday boxing day and we'd be staying all day boxing day, staying overnight then going home at some point the following day, prob after lunch. To be honest though I could ask their dad if I could have them til later Xmas day as he doesn't really care much about Xmas anyway, and if I explained I was trying to changed things and need to ease my folks in he'd probably get it

Tbh I would spend he whole day at home, it's not going to be fun with two moaning Minnie's.

diddl

They do want to go to their grandparents too, they genuinely love going there and will be excited to see them (and more presents!) I think it's mostly about the stocking thing first thing on the morning. I think they would be just as happy to just be at home though and maybe see them boxing day but I think let's just get this one changed first?

christmas with them every year, which includes your sister, at their house sounds to me like an absolute nightmare.....are you on edge the whole time you are there?....i would be.....i wouldnt bother going at all and have a nice relaxing time at home with your children!

Oh, good for you Fiery and glad to hear your DS is ok.

Stick to your guns and let them get on with it.

Hang on - you said

I do what I can for them, and always support them they're not old or infirm anyway although I do do all the cooking for Christmas and still will.

Don't they do anything?