Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

I hope they don't turn up, for both you and your children.

If they do turn up and make a scene, then I would calmly state that this behavior is not acceptable, over you and your dc spending a few hours on Christmas day morning at home. And then walk away.

Good luck for DS2's event. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you as well. If they do turn up (and hopefully they won't) polite acknowledgement and keep your distance is the best approach. Hope it goes ok.

Without going into detail I dealt with a very similar situation years ago when I was pregnant, over attending a family event I didn't want to got to (being deliberately vague here). I was put under a lot of pressure, had flying monkeys sent in, the works. I know it's hard. You are doing great. Hope you and DS2 have fun this afternoon.

Do keep in touch with you sister. And a final thought about your Aunt and Uncle...I wonder if they've seen the posionous email from your Mum? I bet she's kept that quiet.

I second keeping in touch with your sister - especially as they tried to use the relationship between the two of you as the basis for their reasoning about why you were 'refusing' to spend Christmas with them.

This is absolute bonkers - all about a morning, a matter of probably 2-3 hours at most. But it really highlights how they expect to be able to rule and control you.

What you suggested is perfectly reasonable.

You are putting your children first. You dont have to do what they say, and their histrionics are completely OTT. THEY are the ones blowing everything out of all proportion,

Hope it goes well for your boy today

I'd say calmly to your aunt and uncle that you don't wish to talk to them about it and you'd rather they stayed out of it.

I've just read the whole thread and I'm completely shocked at how much of a big deal this is!
Any normal gp would say, okay see you later in the day, and look forward to it!

I'd be adamantly proving to your dp how much they actually see of your dc, and that you are not distancing yourself.

Shameful your are right, but the problem is that OP could spend 24/7 running round after her parents and it wouldn't be enough for them.

Yeah flippin :/.... Does sound like a lost cause! Personally it would push me away.

Me too Shameful. I know it's a cliché, but some people are their own worst enemy and just seem incapable of seeing it.

Oh that's awful, a complete over reaction imho. How strange and very childish. You can't be held to ransom like this. I say this with care because I recently lost my DH and part of me thinks you should just please them while they are still here, but all you were asking is to go over later.
As a compromise in future and considering that they hate their neighbours, could you invite them to yours? Then your DC get to stay at home and they are with you from Christmas Eve for example.

lost my DM not DH!

Good luck at the event.

I agree with staying close with your sister.

As far as Uncle and Aunt, there isn't much you can do other than quietly re-explain the situation, which you've already done. It's really rough when on party to a disagreement pulls out the emotional waterworks and throws themselves about whilst you are (correctly) handling it with decorum and calm. I think because we tend react to displays of emotion with just wanting it to stop, the 'middlemen' go to the path of least resistance (that's you!) and expect them to 'do something' regardless of where the fault truly lies, just for the sake of stopping the histrionics. Instead of U & A telling your parents to be reasonable (thereby bringing on more histrionics pointed at them!) it's easier for U & A to talk to you and tell you to settle things.

Thing is, it's gone much too far to back off now. If you were to give in after stating your position so clearly, in the face of their 'displeasure', it would cement in your parent's minds the fact that they are right and you are always to give in to what they want. You just can't capitulate now and think 'OK, I'll give in for Xmas, but next time……".

Be strong. You are doing the right thing.

Good lord, it's so bonkers that this is about three hours! They have completely lost any sense of proportion and I'm pretty sure the people they're crying on won't be being told that this really is over 3 sodding hours!

I'd have one phrase that can be parroted to parents, aunt, sister, and anyone else that falls into the maelstrom of crazy.

"It's very upsetting to see you/them like this but all I asked for was a couple of hours with my children on Christmas Day. That's all. im very upset to get this reaction when all my children want is part of the morning at home with their mum."

And then when pushed to 'make it up':
"They already know what this is about, and have decided to react like this. I can't control their reaction. All I can do is keep saying that the only thing I asked for was a couple of hours for my children to be at home on Xmas day before going to theirs like every year. That's it. Now... How's uncle Freddie/y niece Julie etc"

But it's not about three hours is it ? It's about them controlling the oPs life . It's about them getting their own way . To them it's life and death stuff

I agree with misc

Whenever the subject comes up just reply everytime with what misc has said. Like a broken record

I agree that the aunt and uncle may have just been looking for the easiest way out ... doesn't make what they said right, of course, and they'd have done better to stay out of it, but I totally get that they wouldn't want the ridiculous hysteria turned on them instead

My ex-MIL was like this; either she got exactly what she wanted, exactly as she wanted it or the heavens would fall - yet another reason I'm totally NC

Hope today went okay, Fieryfighter

Another vote for Misc's excellent suggestion.

Also hoping the event went well and there was no drama.

More good wishes from me that the event was OK and no drama. You could really do with a break from the (bonkers) drama.

What Misc said, really. They are making a big thing out of something so small. Please stick to your guns for the sake of the children who deserve the Christmas they want - they will grow up and move away, grab them while you can!

I am quite hacked off with your Uncle and Aunt actually.

Yes, exactly what Misc said. They are being utterly unreasonable. However, I feel that unless they perform a very swift climb-down, complete with apologies to you and your children, that they have already screwed up Christmas for themselves, for this year at least. I hope you have a plan B in this case - eg staying at home for the day and enjoying a lovely relaxing Christmas with just the three of you.

Goodness know what vile shit they are spouting to all and sundry about you. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I hope today goes uneventfully for you and DC2.

Hi all, well yesterday went brilliantly, they didn't show up and ds2 was awesome .

Misc your post was great, I've actually copied it to the notepad on my phone to reiterate should I need to !

Agree that my aunt and uncle are taking path of least resistance but finding it hard to deal with the fact they told me I needed to make amends when I've done nothing wrong. It's so unfair that people who turn on the emotions like this her people to side with them just because they're 'so upset' Dad was even crying to my uncle ffs.

I guess just because I'm being calm they think they can ask me to appease the situation.

I'm adamant will be here Xmas eve, I way am I going back on it now but I'm going to have to decide on a point where I say, right, we're going to be here all xmas if they continue to ignore me and not try and make amends.

Fuuuuuckity fuck fuck!!

Will you phone them Christmas morning so your DSs can say Merry Christmas first thing? Because that might be decider time! If they're still being fuckwits at that point, just say "Forget it, we're going to stay here if you can't be pleased to see us this afternoon".

or not, up to you. :)

I can't possibly leave it that later add if we're staying here I'll need to get food in, and I don't think it would be fair on the kids to not know what's going on Xmas day. They're aware that nan and grandad are 'being silly' and that's about out at the moment. I've said we'll be here Xmas eve and Xmas morning for sure but at some point I'll have to say 'this is what we're doing this year'

Also I don't think I could take the stress of wondering what will happen until then!?

I guess just because I'm being calm they think they can ask me to appease the situation

You're absolutely right, though that's no reason to become less calm with them - and your dad crying on your uncle is just plain ridiculous

I'm truly sorry, but I'm afraid I can't quite see them coming to their senses in time for Christmas now; more likely they'll start on fake illnesses or whatever in an attempt to exert yet more pressure: "how could you do this to me on my last Christmas" etc.

Not my decision of course, but is there anything to be said for calling a halt on this stupidity and saying that since their behaviour clearly isn't going to make for a pleasant Christmas, you'll stay home now and see them on another day?

No you do have a good point, leaving it until the last minute like that would be pretty stressful and you'd need a contingency plan.

But I also agree that they're not going to cave themselves; so either you are going to have to bite the bullet and do some kind of "meet the halfway" effort, which will basically be you going halfway and them standing where they currently are and refusing to budge - or you might as well decide now that you're going to do most of the day at home and only pop in to see your parents for a short time just so your boys can see them and say Merry Christmas.

They're not being reasonable about any of this - they're escalating it, involving more family members, making it all worse - and it will carry on until you capitulate or tell them to fuck off :(

Oh dear OP. Sorry it has got worse.

Do you think your parents need a face saving 'out'. Ie they've made this situation so ridiculous over something so trivial they can't back down as they would feel foolish (and their pride would be too dented for them to recover from)?

If this was me, I would not back down, but i may send a calm email saying this has got way out of hand and all they need to do is accept you will be having 3 hours on xmas day at your house and say sorry for the upset. I would say once they have done this the rest of the christmas can go on as usual and no more would be said about it.

If they then continue the histrionics i would tell them the whole xmas was now being spent at my house and they could pop in if they wanted.