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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

607 replies

Fieryfighter · 08/11/2015 09:10

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2015 00:16

'Scatter shot'. They're now going to try to send a 'blast' towards anyone & everyone who either might take your part 'against' them or might be persuaded to try and get you back in your 'box'.

I have a feeling you're going to be putting out a few fires here and there for the next little while.

AgathaF · 18/11/2015 07:57

As Acrossthepond said - divide and conquer. It sounds like your sister has taken some of the poison they will have spewed about you to heart as well. I think a phonecall to her to clear the air and explain might be in order.

Are there other relatives or friends they can try the same shit on?

OTheHugeManatee · 18/11/2015 08:32

Talk to your sister as much as possible OP. Don't let them divide and conquer.

girlywhirly · 18/11/2015 08:59

Yes, call your sister and talk about it, or even arrange a meeting; this is too important to discuss via text, and you need to establish whether they have involved your nephew.

They will pick on any little thing and twist the truth to suit. You may have thought in passing that DSIS could have brought something, done more at Christmas, but not with malicious intent and certainly haven't gone on about it all year. As you talk you may both be able to recount instances where they have tried to separate you, you don't know what they might have said to DSIS to make her feel as though she was the black sheep and you the golden child. If that was the case, why would she want to spend every Christmas there and put herself out for them, or you? Also you both need to maintain a good relationship between your collective DS' and show them what normal is.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 18/11/2015 13:02

second what girlywhirly said. If you've been (unknowingly) golden child all these years, you will both have had a hard time of it in rather different ways. Really a good idea to keep communicating with her.

It could be worth taking a long hard and detached look at family incidents and history over the years.

Is it possible that your sister's selfishness has partly come about because of her treatment by them? and that your parents have kind of drip fed disapproval of her to you? (not saying this is the case. But it's a question that might be worth finding an answer to, yay or nay).

AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2015 14:39

I 'third' girlywhirly. Your parents are very likely to take every little thing you've said about DSis (and don't we all bitch about our sibs some time or another?) and put a Fiery said 'innocent whine turned into mean complaint', but we said 'agreement turned into rabid defense' spin on it.

You do really need to have a sit down with her. I'm sure she 'knows how they are', but it's still hard for someone to believe their parents are trying to manipulate them. And very easy to believe them when they're trying to convince you (subtly) that you are the 'golden child'.

Kr1stina · 18/11/2015 15:13

You are doing really well Op .

I'd take issue with the posters who say that your parents are " bonkers ", if this means that they are crazy and irrational . They are not, this is their standard way of manipulating people to make sure they always get their own way .

It's a well thought out way of behaving which makes perfect sense to them . They want to control you and it's worked very well for , what , 35-40 years ?

My kids are the same age and id be seriously worried about what they are learning from watching their GP treating you like this . It's not a very healthy model for adult relationships .

Ask yourself this - what would you do in 10 years when your son and his GF /BF say that they want to spend Christmas at her parents or off travelling ? Would you act like this ? Of course not, you'd swallow the lump in your throat and say " that sounds lovely , I hope you have wonderful time " .

You would be happy that he was with a nice girl / guy or that he was off seeing a bit of the world with his mates . Because most parents want to see their adult children building a happy and fulfilling life for themselves . That's the reward - not enjoying manipulating them and guilt tripping them.

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 21/11/2015 21:56

Update for those who've kindly given advice and support...

All had been quiet until this evening, same aunt & uncle I spoke to before called tonight to tell me that I really really need to speak to my parents and make it up with them as they're so upset. Seems my folks went to visit them yesterday and they had the full on waterworks so my aunt & uncle are now saying how stressed my parents are and upset and that I need to make it right. Aaargh! Oh and last time we spoke they said they'd love me to come and visit but now they've said it's best that I don't at the moment.

I just reiterated that I'm not prepared to speak to then until they can be calm, reasonable and apologise. I said this situation is not one I've created, and this shouldn't have been such a crazy big deal.

I feel so hurt by my aunt & uncle rescinding their invite but not really surprised I guess that mum and dad have worked on them further.

On another note ds2 has a sporting eventtomorrow which they would normally come to watch and I'm shit scared they're going to be there!!

OP posts:
violetbunny · 21/11/2015 22:01

Good for you for staying strong to their manipulation. I can't imagine how difficult it must be, but you are right to stand firm.

RandomMess · 21/11/2015 22:04

See they all just want you to go back to toeing the line so everyone else has as an easy time of it at yours and your dc expense...

DoreenLethal · 21/11/2015 22:16

Exactly as predicted by Across the pond.

Stay strong OP.

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 21/11/2015 22:23

Doing my best! I've just re-read this thread to bolster my strength... It's really helped remind me how bonkers they are being

OP posts:
Indole · 21/11/2015 22:30

Oh, poor you. Honestly, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. They are being insane and it is a v good thing that you have stood up to them (for them as much as you, actually, as it cannot be any fun being a potty old drama queen).

ToadsforJustice · 21/11/2015 22:33

Stay strong. You are not the bad guy. Your parents brought this on themselves. If they turn up tomorrow, smile and refuse to engage. Your aunt and uncle will get over it. They should also realise that you are an adult now and you don't jump anymore when your parents say so.

I expect your aunt and uncle are so used to doing anything to stop the tears (this won't be the first time) that they probably told your parents they would talk you around. They are refusing to see you so that don't appear to take sides - to avoid more tears.

Good luck OP. There is no going back now Flowers

flippinada · 21/11/2015 23:01

Poor you. They are really ramping up the pressure, aren't they? Their behaviour is really childish and spiteful. Apologies if I'm repeating something that's been said upthread but it sounds like Uncle and Auntie have been enlisted as flying monkeys.

I know it's tough (and easier said than done) but stand your ground - keep reminding yourself that you have done nothing wrong.

Have some Flowers, Cake if you like it and your choice of beverage!

Good luck for tomorrow. Remember you're not responsible for their behaviour. If they turn up and make a scene then they will make themselves look bad.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/11/2015 23:04

Oh dear fiery..... I'm just going to reiterate what I said upthread:

.....your aunt and uncle are supporting you now and that is good, but it could be subject to change. I hope I'm being overly pessimistic but wanted you to have fair warning

I would have liked it if they'd exceeded my expectations :(

Have you thought about what to do/say if they turn up tomorrow? I'd plump for polite and absolutely NO being dragged away for 'a chat'.

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 21/11/2015 23:09

Yeah.... wine is my friend at the moment!

I'm ultra determined not to cave, feels like a seminal moment tbh. I have to keep telling myself over and over that I've done nothing wrong, it's almost become a mantra!

My aunt and uncle have definitely said they'd try and 'fix' things as my uncle kept saying he'd speak to them and say I wanted to sort things out but that as it's "Six of one, half a dozen of the other" they didn't need to say sorry. I just kept saying I was prepared to talk if they're calm, reasonable and apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fieryfighter · 21/11/2015 23:11

LaContessaDiPlump

Yep you were so right!!!

I'm going to hope they don't come but if they do I plan to avoid as much as possible but be polite and smiley when unavoidable. No way on gods earth will I be discussing anything as tomorrow's a very big deal for ds2

OP posts:
flippinada · 21/11/2015 23:19

Good that you have a plan for tomorrow, if they do turn up. And enjoy that wine!

LaContessaDiPlump · 22/11/2015 08:21

How on earth is it 6 of one, half a dozen of the other? What is your crime exactly? Being uncharacteristically stubborn in the face of overwhelming emotional pressure?!

I hope it goes well for your DS today. Stay near strangers so your parents are at least slightly inhibited about starting their crap again.....

Ememem84 · 22/11/2015 09:01

I hope you have a lovely day today fiery

Can't believe the situation you're in. stay strong, if they show up today be polite chill and don't engage re Christmas.

Hissy · 22/11/2015 09:14

I just read back and re-read the missive she sent you.

She threw everything at you including the kitchen sink. The jab about your divorce was way below the belt and I found myself saying HOW DARE SHE!

Your aunt and uncle have got short memories, and I'd have reminded them that the facts of the matter didn't and couldn't have changed since you'd spoken to them, so why are they pitching up at your door and pressuring you?

I'd also say something about them revoking the invitation as being extremely disappointing and something you never expected of them.

All you asked for was a couple of hours. That was it. A couple of hours at home, coming to theirs a bit later than you've done previously.

That's it. That's all it ever was but they are being hysterical and this is damaging the relationship between everyone to a point that it'll be beyond repair.

If aunt and uncle are now saying you're not welcome at theirs, this has gone too far and they seriously need to see what is happening here before it's too late. They have no business wading in and much less "punishing" you for this lunacy your parents have created.

Hold your nerve. The alternative is crazy!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/11/2015 09:34

oh haha, the old "6 of one, half a dozen of the other" - that drives me batshit!

My ex-fiancé's brother told me that the reason we split was "6 of one, half a dozen of the other" - no it fucking wasn't, it was because ex-F went off with a secretary from work! HOW that was my fault in any way is still beyond me. Hmm

So now your aunt and uncle have realised that there is nothing to be had from your parents, so their only hope of achieving any kind of reconciliation is to work on your emotional guilt again.

Arse to this - they're not only flying monkeys but also their own brand of Wicked Witch - I know it's not nice that they've rescinded their invitation but under the current circs, I think it's probably just as well, as they'd only use the time to work on you more. :(

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 22/11/2015 09:51

Just to point out.

Your aunt and uncle probably want you to cave because it makes their life easier (no more sobbing on the doorstep), no way are they doing this because it's the best thing for you to do.

all this over you wanting to wake up in your own home, utterly ridiculous behaviour from the lot of them Sad

Original poster
Fieryfighter · 22/11/2015 10:04

Thanks all, off to ds2's sporting thing soon. I so hope they don't show up, it's not beyond dad to be giving me evils or for mum to cry so if they do show I'm going to author to keep us both away as much add possible. I contemplated adding them not to come but thought they might just show up anyway and be in worse mood plus they'd then be ranting about me banning then from attending. Basically I'm just crossing fingers Confused

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