Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

OHHH yes! the "illness" will make an appearance very shortly. Let's all take a guess and see if we can come up with the correct one - heart problems...that mysteriously vanish when you turn up at the bedside....migraine - that clears up when you go round.....

I'm going to go with "the doctor has asked me to see her for some tests"........

Oooh, obviously I'm not the only one with experience expecting a sudden illness to develop ...

It does sound a bit like they miss their grandchildren being children, if that makes sense. They were probably very involved when they were small and the children have grown up (and away) and they didn't see it coming for some reason self, self, self Their behaviour is absolutely not on, though.

A neighbour's child went abroad for a bit. My mum was talking to their sibling and said 'they might meet a nice partner over there and want to stay, blah'. Sibling paled and said nervously 'you're not going to say that to my mum are you?' so I think they may have already felt the heat over the possibility of the child not returning! (they did indeed return).

op, that was very clever to prempt the flying monkey visit and I applaud you for it! Sounds like you handled it beautifully.

It's interesting though; your uncle and aunt seem to have taken your parents at face value, which implies that your parents don't usually openly overreact to this extent. I'd have expected them to be a bit more about it if it was the kind of stunt your parents pulled regularly. I'm glad to see that your uncle and aunt think of you as an adult though, because they wouldn't have taken your calm explanation on board half so well if you didn't (or apologised for that matter).

I suspect you might hear from your uncle and aunt more frequently in tones of concern about your parents after this. If when the imaginary illness occurs, your uncle and aunt might be more likely to grasp at it as a reasonable explanation for why other adults in their lives have suddenly gone batshit, and they might try to guilt you into caving then because they honestly believe one or the other of your parents is ill (from medical problems or stress or whatever) and that you are being U in not recognising it.

My point is, your aunt and uncle are supporting you now and that is good, but it could be subject to change. I hope I'm being overly pessimistic but wanted you to have fair warning

.....if they didn't. Sorry.

Oh god, my mum had always suffered from debilitating migraines, wouldn't be at all surprised to hear how unwell I'm making her next.

fizrim

Thing is my my nephew, their other grandchild is 17 and they've been saying for a good few years how he's getting older and needs to do his own thing, perfectly natural he doesn't want I spend so much time with them etc. Guess the same doesn't apply to my kids!

My mum always has The Illness. It is always bowel-related and involves horrendous amounts of TMI that she splurges all over me. After multiple investigations, there is never anything identifiably wrong.

LaContessaDiPlump

My aunt & uncle did say that after my parents had left their house they said to reach "that didn't sound like fiery" but I think they got caught up in my parents dramatics. I wonder if the rain they so readily supported me after explaining is they've heard tons of my parents bickering at each other, they'll be sniping really nastily to reach other in the kitchen but we'd literally hear every word in the dining room next door and ask pretend it wasn't happening :-/

reason not rain!!

Ah, well in a way that's good because it means they will now be on their guard and less susceptible to the 'Oh I'm suddenly SO ILL' lines that your mum might come out with

Seriously though, this must be very unpleasant for you as it's the first major conflict. You're doing really well!

You've done well, no nd your boys will thank you for it, not only are you stuck in your parents trap, but your boys have grown up with it and how things have to be. They will enjoy not having the prescripted uncomfortable visits and for them to raise having Christmas at home must have actually been a big deal for them. You're not just doing this for you but for them.

Sit your boys down tomorrow and say, right we're having all Christmas at home, what have you always wanted to do but couldn't as we were at grandparents. From Christmas Eve trip out, to how the day would run, what they want to do, let them be kids having fun.

I hated the scripted Christmas days at my grandparents, always arguing, someone always "ruined" Christmas, it was not fun.

Oh oh oh I've got another one! ! I think they will wait till late Christmas eve to phone you so you and the kids HAVE to go round and then it's put to you that you might as well stay as it's so late.....

Glad your aunt and uncle saw through the smokescreen! But don't count your parents out yet. They've used the Flying Monkey and I'm sure they'll think of something else. 'The Illness' as others have mentioned, and there's also the bad neighbours that you may have to come to comfort them about. But even if they 'capitulate', are they going to be pouty/tearful/resentful during the time you're there on Xmas Day?

Just stay calm. Make flexible plans just in case. Let them get in touch with you. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed & say a little prayer that they realize how lucky they are to have family to spend Xmas Day with at all. Many aren't so lucky!

"Guess the same doesn't apply to my kids!"

2 reasons -

1 your sister won't take their shit!

2 you're the golden child so expected to follow the party line as are your kids.

With my mum sis is golden child and her dc are favoured over mine but the upside is nothing expected of my dd.

Agree undefined but 'serious' illness will be next ploy.

I was gc with father (in order to train me not to reject his advances) but now all but nc. Sis also I think not talking to him right now...he's back in hospital. He does have some conditions but they conveniently flare up with pain for which there can be no extra evidence whenever he's not getting the attention he wants/mother on verge of leaving.

So yea, expect 'tests' 'dr has some concerns' symptoms that could or could not be serious...

Is it possible that one parent is suffering early onset dementia? I only ask because my grandma became increasingly paranoid as hers developed and much of her paranoia centred on us not loving her/ wanting to see her etc
If that's not the case then their behaviour is INSANE and I agree with all the 'do your own thing' posts

I wondered about early onset dementia too.

Is this manipulation a long-set pattern, fiery? or has it just surfaced now? From other things you say (the sniping in the kitchen, the hint of a golden child/scapegoat pattern) it could be long standing ... but if not, then it's worth keeping in mind that there may be a medical cause.

You are still justified in taking 3 hours for yourselves on xmas morning though!

If it's early onset dementia they've both had it for at least 25 years as I've had guilt trips since my teens.

On another note I'm going to reply to their email today so no doubt there'll be further trauma today. Eeeek!

I've always toed the line, been relied upon to be there for them. This whole thing has been such an eye opener when I look back on many things. Hence why I've felt so traumatised I guess.

Fiery

Your parents behaviours are typical of narcissistic parents with some histrionic behaviours thrown in for good measure. Its all very much par for the course with such disordered people and this is all ultimately about power and control. I would also now expect a previously unknown health problem to surface.

They were not good parents to you and are rubbish examples of grandparents to your children. It will do them no favours for them to keep seeing their mother so disrespected either.

The roles of golden child/scapegoat are actually interchangeable.

Well done for dealing with the flying monkeys in the way that you did.

I would suggest you read more around the subject of toxic parents and histrionics ("Toxic parents" by Susan Forward is a good starting point) as well as seeing a therapist; preferably one who has no bias about keeping families together. Remember too that such people are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits in with you.

Yep 25 years does seem a long time for dementia symptoms to develop
Good luck with the email, be concise so it doesn't look like you're guilty/questioning your decisions. With a difficult email I write it, save it then distract myself completely for at least an hour before re-reading and sending!

Fiery, what your parents did was one of the classic behaviours of Narcissistic Personality disorder. They went weeping and wailing to your aunt and uncle in an attempt to gain their support, and cause a rift between you and them. They needed to have their behaviour validated and aunt and uncle on their side. They assumed that you would, once aunt and uncle had said their piece, go back to being the dutiful daughter, and doing what they want, whereupon they would start being nice and loving again to you. They weren't banking on you being brave enough to proactively contact aunt and uncle and tell them the truth, hence their very selective version of events. Narcs are consummate liars when it serves their purpose.

I agree, you are doing fantastically well coping with all this.

Do update your sister and say if she decides she and nephew can't face the fall out at mum and dads they're welcome at yours on Christmas day. I'm pretty sure they will try and cause trouble between you two, so it would be good for you to be able to stick together against all the nonsense.

Yes keep your sister updated.

If it were me I would just Email that due to their behavior the weekend that you and your dc will be spending Christmas at home this year. And you do not want any further discussions about it. I would also add any attempt to contact and try to blackmail your child that they will be block from contacting them for the foreseeable future.

I've sent them a brief email this morning,

Basically saying I hope they've found some perspective over the weekend, that I've been honest about my reasons for staying home Xmas eve and I'm disappointed they've felt the need to create so much drama over so little, that I'm upset over their overreaction and inability to deal with this reasonably.

I said I'm not punishing them or distancing myself, that is all nonsense and I'm not going to be made to feel guilty for putting my kids first.

I finished with saying that obviously I don't want things to escalate but until they can calm down and be reasonable and until they can apologise then I'm not prepared to engage any further.

I'm fully expecting a rant back and I'm determined that anything I get back like that I'm just going to say "I've received your email, my stance is the same"

P's I've started reading 'Toxic Parents'!

Just want to say Fiery that I'm really impressed at you standing your ground. It's clearly very hard but my god you're doing the right thing for you and your children. Keep going x