Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Crikey.

They are blowing this all out of proportion. Their initial reaction was over the top and this e-mail is even more so. And it's reading as a further attempt to make you feel guilty for not falling in line with their wishes, and to manipulate you into doing so now. It's all about them and what they want, with no apparent consideration given to what you or your DC feel or want.

I don't know if there's any response you can give that will get them to see your (perfectly reasonable) point of view.

I'd be willing to bet that even if you do cave in and do what they want for Christmas, they'll still be trying to make you feel bad about even suggesting to change things this year. Frankly, at this point, I'd be seriously considering not seeing them at all on Christmas Day to avoid your DC getting upset by all this tension.

That's a classic response. You cause a "problem" by having your own feelings and needs (an prioritising those of your own DC) which is totally reasonable. You then get hauled over the coals and told all your failings, faults and how ungrateful you are and that you are "punishing" them. Classic. My mum is the same.

This is because these parents cannot say to themselves "Oh, the set up we have is difficult for Fiery. Things have changed in her life and she'd like xyz, so how can we help?" They cannot see you as anything other than someone who gives them what they want and that is your role. The "punishment" especially. If you do something that upsets them, it must be to "punish" them rather than a side-effect of what you want for yourself. Everything you do must be about them.

I like Bird's response. Or what I have heard (when dealing with toddlers) described as "bored cop" – don't get worked up or offended, just respond in a detached way and carry on.

I think Krampus has a good point about contacting your sister, if your parents start telling her you're not going to their house because she's there, it could damage your relationship with your sister.

At this point I'd certainly email your sister as krampus suggests.

Honestly at this point I'd be totally inclined to tell your mum to go fuck herself. However I can see that might not be the most constructive response.

What about a brief reply along the lines of:

'I have been totally honest regarding my reasons for wanting Christmas morning at home with my sons. That you can read so much into this and create such a massive drama is totally beyond me. I won't apologise for putting my kids wishes first on this occasion. If you want to turn this into a massive family rift that will be entirely your own choice, and I take no responsibility for this. Moreover, if you continue to choose to over react in this manner, and twist everything in the past in the way you are doing, regretfully we will not come at all. I'm not prepared to risk spoiling Christmas for the boys because you are unable to accept me putting them first.

Of course I don't want this to escalate, but until you can reflect on your totally ridiculous behaviour and discuss things calmly with me I am not prepared to engage on this further.'

Thankfully I contacted my sister yesterday to give her a heads up that the folks had gone mental because I'd wanted to spend a tiny bit iof Xmas at home because that's what the boys wanted so she already knows they're kicking up and totally defended my decision not to let the boys go away with them this weekend. The email that had the document attached said they couldn't describe how upset they were that the boys weren't going away and what a waste of money renting the apartment was. .

I'm absolutely not caving (despite wanting to slump in a corner crying ) now I've come this far and they've behaved so badly I simply can't give in no matter how bad it gets....

... And I think it's going to get pretty bad!

Unbelievable! I suspect this is actually tip of the iceberg. Recommend you have a look at stately homes thread and out of the fog site.

I agree with considering not going for Christmas at all.

But in the interests of clarity I am NC with my father and very low contact with mother. (Much worse than this but things like this I'm familiar with).

Tbh I'd be sending a message like 'I refuse to engage with you or let you see the dc until you calm down and GROW UP!'

Agree with peas. Would go silent and let them stew for a long while. Debate whether you really want to have Christmas with them, discuss with your DC. Is the main reason to please them or do you enjoy it at all? If the former, don't go, they don't deserve you.

I'd either go silent or be tempted to write- despite me explaining why I wanted to slightly change things this year, you have ignored almost everything I have said. Its very sad you felt the need to bring my divorce into this also. I highlighted how you had upset us in your over the top reactions to a more than reasonable, small request; you had a chance to apologise which you didn't take. This is very disappointing. ".

But absolutely don't try and respond to every issue they've raised, that would just fed the drama. Calm, unapologetic, and standing your ground is where you want to go. Or just ignore them.

It might get bad but that's not your fault!

They've made you the golden child and you've behaved as such as they conditioned you to. With fear obligation and guilt!

I suspect you may find your relationship with your sister may actually improve at least a little as you are no longer playing the golden child meaning she's no longer the scapegoat so you might be on a more equal footing.

Ask your sister and nephew to yours for Christmas day and leave your parents to wallow in their own self pity.

Clutterbugs idea is excellent!

Jesus. What drama llamas. They sound like they really don't have much else to worry about.

I wouldn't bother responding and, TBH, I'd probably not go for Christmas at all. Or wait until nearer the time and then send Bird's reply.

Honestly, it's not worth the energy and stress.

I really want to respond to address the ridiculous things they've said but I'm not going to yet as I need time to think. I definitely don't want to get caught up in endless argument so what every I reply I want it to be the end of until they sort their shit out or disown me for being worst daughter in the world ever

I think the only way it'll be the end of it is if you MAKE it the end of it. If you try to reply reasonably they'll just come back with another several pages in Word!

Oh God your probably right. I don't think I can face another bloody one!!

Write out your response. As long as you like, telling them how ridiculous they are and how childish they are being. Respond to each and every cheap point they have dug up.

Then burn it and go for the "bored cop" reply.

They are ramping up the drama and emotional pressure in order to bring you back into line. You are now supposed to fall over yourself to tell them how very important they are to you and how you will prove it to them.

I've learned from bitterest experience that being heard by people like this is like talking to a brick wall, unless and until you are saying what they want to hear. You can put forward the most eloquent and reasonable case, it will be twisted byond all recognition. They want (metaphorically) blood; they want your humble contrition and for you to get back into line sharpish. This is the equivalent of the angry child's 'You don't love me, I'll run away', just a million times more damaging, because they are adults and know exactly what they are doing.

Bringing up your divorce like that is breathtakingly low and calculated to hurt and to hit you in what they perceive, for whatever reason, as a weak spot. Good for you in being firm in your knowledge that this accusation of theiry cannot touch you.

I don't think you'll feel able to take this step yet, but I believe it's time for you to tell them you will not be coming for Christmas, because your notives, intentions and your care for them are being grossly misrepresented and you will not risk having your boys' Christmas ruined. You will see them on Boxing Day, but if there is bad behaviour on their part you will be leaving.

Really sorry to read your latest update - but not surprised by it. It looks very much like your parents are escalating to get a response and bring you back in line.

They seem to a startlingly obnoxious combination of pathetic, passive aggressive and spiteful. JMO, mind!

I know it's tempting to rebut their horribly unfair comments but the best way to deal with this is simply not engage. If you feel you must reply then say something like "I have noted your comments. My position remains the same". To borrow a business term, hold the line!

I'm glad to hear your sister is on-side. Make sure to get real life help and support in place - like pp have said, Stately Homes is a great place to get support on here. Everyone is very friendly, welcoming and non judgemental - and they totally "get it"

Flippinada's I have noted your comments. My position remains the same is the best response

You cannot reason with unreasonable people. You know this is nothing to do with a few hours on xmas morning. It is about you saying something they dislike and them punishing you and throwing every single thing they can at you so you fall back into line and never ever think about it again. It's a toddler tantrum and treat it as such.

I wouldn't even acknowledge the frankly ridiculous comments about your divorce and your sister (and really if that's all they've got they are clutching at straws already), it's all done to distract you from the reasonableness of your original 'crime'. Focus on what you will do and broken record it all the way. 'We will still be over on xmas day at 11am'. Don't get drawn in. Don't get angry. Seem a bit bored about it and possibly even laugh about how trivial it is. Don't justify yourself. Don't keep saying you are doing it because the boys want you to - that means that if they got the boys to say they had changed their minds you would then do as they want, it gives them an angle. Don't give them any angle. Don't give too much information. State it simply and consistently.

Good luck. I am amazed at how some people of that generation have managed to get to their age with never ever being challenged on their ridiculousness. I'm sending strong thoughts your way. You can do it. (if you cave you will have taught them that they have to go this far every time they want their own way, and you really don't want that for the rest of their lives.)

Wow, they are really going for it and pulling out all the pity party and guilt inducing tactics, as well as getting a few sly digs in too.

Im glad your sister is onboard, because no doubt she will get to hear their twisted version. But is sounds as if she knows how they are.

Don't get into an argument with them. As much as I'd be tempted to give a point by point refutation of their 'manifesto' what good would it do? It would only result in another hysterical email counterpointing your counterpoints.

I'd suggest something along the lines of wanting to continue the children's good relationship with them, that you have each been a great help to each other in the past. Don't use emotive language. Don't 'defend' yourself or the past. Don't respond to the 'distancing yourself', it was said to make you prove that you are not by doing what they want. Remind them that you are the children's mother and you expect them to respect your decision regarding when and where the children spend time with them.

Remember that, in the end, you hold the winning cards. I think once they realize that you are dead serious and that they stand to lose even more time if they push you too far, they'll back off.

Do you think your sister may have gone through something similar with her children? That she, at some point, had to put her foot down and that's why she 'comes and goes' at Xmas?