Feel dreadful after really upsetting my parents but don't think IABU?

[Fieryfighter]

Warning... It's a Christmas post. I've spent every Christmas of my life at my parents, pre and post having children, when I was married I always went to them as ExH didn't celebrate Christmas. I usually go to theirs on Christmas eve and leave the morning after boxing day. My kids have often mentioned wanting to have a Christmas at home as they never get to be at their houhouse and I also would like to spend some time at my house, and I only live about 25 mins from them.

I was at my folks with ds2 yesterday and whilst talking about Christmas I mentioned that the boys had said they wanted to have a Christmas at home, and that the boys had mentioned this a few times over the years so I was thinking maybe we could have Christmas morning at home then go over to my folks later that morning. I want for a minute suggesting we don't go to them at all, just that we'd go over later Christmas morning.

Basically they got really really upset, sobbing and everything, dad saying that there was no point putting up a tree if we're not going to be there (I said every year I decorate my house and never get to spend Christmas there), that they might as well just go away for Christmas etc etc. My sister and her son will be there Xmas eve and Christmas day so they won't be along I couldn't placate then at all and ds2 (9) got upset and was crying. They said they were really stressed about their nightmare neighbours and the house not selling (neighbours are really vile) and they hate being in their house and just don't want to be at home and the only thing they look forward to is us coming over (we visit every week).

Anyway, horrible atmosphere cotinued, I popped upstairs for 5 mins thinking if I left the room they'd make an effort with ds2 but they just sat on sofa mum quietly sobbing taking between themselves, ds2 said in car on way home it was really awkward (wish I hadn't gone upstairs now but I really thought they'd buck up and play with him or something)

Anyway, when I came down they said it would need better if we left as it was no good for ds2 so we did. I did tell them very gently I really didn't mean to upset them but I thought they were overreacting then dad got angry again so we left.

They are very good at making me feel guilty and I usually do what they want tbh. My sister is a complete PITA and behaves dreadfully towards them with no repercussions so I'm there 'good' one who's always there for them.

Well I've made some changes to be firmer and less apologetic, I think it's so ingrained to be apologetic and bendover backwards it's hard to be firm!

I'm fully expecting this to blow up, but I've told the boys this is what we're doing so I can't back down and determined not to be guilted into anything.

CrumbledFeta

We have dinner at theirs, yes I cook it but I prefer to do it so we have a decent meal, dad's not great cook and mum hasn't cooked since the 80's! My dad stresses so much in the kitchen it's so much nicer if I just get on with it as I don't find it a big deal as I'm crazy organised.

As someone said earlier, it does worry me what might happen if one of them dies, I think both would fall apart if that happened!!

I really should not have read the thread about grandparents being included in Christmas

I doubt that has been aimed at you.

I'm sure not but I feel dreadful as it is so should have skipped reading that!! Doh.

Fiery, I know the thread you mean, please don't take it to heart. I think its an in-joke among certain posters and can guarantee it's not aimed at you.

And well done on sending that email. I know it's scary standing up for yourself when you're conditioned into toeing the line.

Pressed send too soon..I meant to add, I've been there too..similar situation.

My parents made a huge stressful drama the year I said me and DS would have some of Christmas day plus dinner at home, then go over to theirs mid afternoon. We live a 10 minute walk down the road. There was a lot of shouting, tears and a horrible atmosphere - it went on for a week or more.

In the end I decided we wouldn't go over at all because it wouldn't have been fun. The following couple of years we have gone over in the afternoon and there has been no fuss, a much better precedent has been set that everyone seems ok with.

YABU to have cauliflower cheese for Christmas dinner tho!

Mmmm cauliflower cheese

Over a lifetime you have given your mum many Christmases just how she imagined and wants. She has even had times with her grandchildren at Christmas. Do not feel guilty for having a turn at things your way. Sometimes it's your turn to choose! You've not said you aren't ever seeing her again at Christmas!

Everyone needs to learn you can't have everything your way all the time. Hope all goes well.

Oh, ignore that thread. Besides, you aren't excluding your parents at all, you're just having a morning at home. We always had Christmas morning at home once we had kids and then went to my parents around noon for 'another Christmas' as the kids would say (Xmas Eve was at the iLs).

Sometimes DH would cook a big Christmas breakfast on the spur of the moment and we'd call them to come over if they wanted. Sometimes they would, other times they'd say they were enjoying a quiet morning before all the bedlam descended on them at noon.

Honestly, you aren't doing anything wrong. Times change and we change with them.

I really don't think that thread applies to yours!

Delurking to wish you good luck.

My mum has seen me every single Xmas afternoon/evening for 50 years, but has just had a bitch at me that she does not see me Xmas morning too. Apparently I am 'cutting her out of my life'. So I share your pain.

And YABU re cauliflower cheese. Save it for boxing day!

Update your on the situation.

After sending my email mum responded yesterday to say she would reply fully when she'd gathered her thoughts but in the meantime they needed to know if my boys are still going away with them this weekend (planned trip to visit cousin).

I replied saying we needed to resolve this first as ds2 had been Upset, I was disappointed that things couldn't have been dealt with sensibly and I didnt want things to be awkward for the boys. Ds1 told me yesterday he ideally still wanted to go but don't think it would be very enjoyable if things were awkward and would rather not go if things were like that.

Anyway, she replied back that they thought it would be nice fit the boys to ask have a weekend together before any rift deepens further, and that if I think they wouldn't love and care for the boys as they always have or they'd do anything to make them uncomfortable or awkward then they'd go on their own and she wouldn't beg.

Aaargh! I don't know what you do, I don't want to deny the boys a weekend away but I have no idea if they have any remorse, there's been no sorry at all so far and I think they feel totally in the right

She hasn't apologised at all and is making out the rift is caused by you that is how I read it anyhow.

I wouldn't be sending them and your eldest has nailed it. It's fear, obligation and guilt that has kept you in check for years, time to break free.

Oh dear. Going by that response, they seem convinced that there is, has to be, a 'rift', and that they consider it to be a matter of great magnaminity on their part that they will be tresting the boys 'as they always have'. I'm really sorry, but I would be very uncomfortable indeed with sending your dc off with them under these circs. This sounds like something my manipulative parents would have said, and did say, to me - when I broke off contact my boys were too small for them to have 'started' on them in any way, simply because they wouldn't have understood, but yours are more than old enough to understand any dark hints or emotional complaints. I think I remember reading upthread thst one of your parents had implied it was your actions that had upset your son - mine did very similar.

I can't help feeling that now you have started down this path you need to force the moment to its crisis. Sending the boys off with them might be interpreted as carte blanche to carry on without tackling the issue of their behaviour. Can you do something else with them this weekend? I think I would be telling your parents that you don't feel the weekend would be appropriate after the way they had behaved in front of ds2, while it remains unresolved, and you need a response to the email first.

I, too, would be saying 'thanks but no thanks'.

You can explain it as ^I'm disappointed that you see this as the beginning of a 'rift' when all I am doing is spending time with my family at Christmas.
Your choice of words imply that this is the last chance for (the cousins?) to be together which is nonsense and the level of drama being raised is unnecessary. I won't have the boys playing any part in this^.

Their response is very dramatic...
My view is that DC should never be involved in this kind of argument.
If you think she will care for them properly and not make snide comments, or use the time to convince them that they should be at hers for all of Xmas, then they should go.
If you think she will spend the time telling them how upset and disappointed they are, then the DC should stay at home with you.

Whilst I obviously don't want them to not see there children, they clearly didn't care about making ds2 uncomfortable and awkward on Saturday, he was very upset by it and ds1 definitely doesn't want to go if things are awkward. I feel like they're sweeping aside my reasonless requests and trying to make me feel bad if I don't let them go.

I don't think mum would say anything to then but dad is more than capable of saying things like "I thought you liked having Xmas with us" etc. Mum might tell him not to but I don't think he could help himself, and there is a chance they might get upset.

When I was thinking about it before I got her reply I found myself thinking I'd have to tell the boys to just not talk about it if mum and dad brought up Xmas when they went away so I guess that makes it clear I think there's a real chance they would bring it up

"Anyway, she replied back that they thought it would be nice fit the boys to ask have a weekend together before any rift deepens further, and that if I think they wouldn't love and care for the boys as they always have or they'd do anything to make them uncomfortable or awkward then they'd go on their own and she wouldn't beg."

Wow, she is the QUEEN of passive-aggressive. If you let your children go, I bet she will upset them with all kinds of silly, dramatic statements like "oh we may never see each other again" etc. etc. etc. I really, really wouldn't allow it.

I would reply very, very briefly and say: 'From my perspective, there is no 'rift' between us. I still love and care for you as ever. However, I think a visit would be ill-advised while this issue is unresolved, not because of any perceived deficit of love or care from you to the children but because the children would essentially be stuck in the middle of an awkward situation, which is not appropriate."

HeteronormativeHaybales

Yes I also think that letting the boys go is saying that their behaviour is acceptable.

Another thing I'd I know EXACTLY what it would be like if they were picking up the boys, they'd barely say a word to me, dad would be giving me evil looks , mum wouldn't look me in the eye and both just have a martyred expression. I'd be all bright and breezy (which is how I ignore their silliness/bickering usually ) and they'd be obviously sulking

OP, sorry to pick you up on a typo, but I thought it was quite Freudian - you refer to your dc, their dgc, as 'their children'.

They are sweeping your requests aside. I think they are hoping/calculating that, if you send the boys without last week's events having been discussed, that discussion will be put off infinitely and effectively never happen, and things will slip back to normal - i.e. you will let it go.
I also can't help feeling that, if you were to tell the boys not to talk about Christmas if your parents started, you are putting the onus on the boys to tolerate and 'manage' your parents' behaviour - as if it seems impossible to you to actually tackle it proactively. I understand that mindset. It seemed impossible to go against my parents too, until events forced me, and I won't pretend it wasn't horrendous. But I'm now free. (I am not saying you too will have to cut off contact - but I do think you know things will need to change one way or another).

x posts

shovetheholly

That's a very good response. I'm sure they think to themselves they would never put the kids in an awkward situation but fact is they did on Saturday (just as they did to me and my sister as kids). Thing is, I'm pretty sure they're telling themselves that was my fault anyway!