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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give someone a lift to work

134 replies

Meandacat · 07/11/2015 03:10

First, I know IABU, and I don't see how I can get out of this w/o being rude, selfish, not to mention un-environmentally friendly. But still, if anyone can suggest anything...!
I work in a school. I commute 30 mins by car each way every day (motorway). A few weeks ago, I was asked if I'd mind giving a lift to a student teacher on placement who lives nearby. I agreed - it adds about 5-10 mins to my journey so no biggie. She's a nice girl and we get on. She has never offered to pay towards petrol but as she's a student, I've let that go.
Howwver, because of the nature of my job and circumstances at home, my car journey was literally the only "quiet time" I'd get in the day/week, and I'm the kind of person who really needs that space. It has also really hampered the flexibility I enjoyed in terms of when I could leave work...one of the few perks of the job. The way it's working out, I'm ending up leaving when she is ready to leave, and not when I am ready to leave.
Anyway, it was all fine because it was only for a couple of months. Except she's now told me there is every likelihood she might be doing her probation year at my school. My heart sank. She's lovely but I just don't want to give her a lift every day for a year. I want my time/space back. Can I get out of this wo seeming selfish and petty? (Btw, she could get a bus - as I have done when car's been in garage - but stop is a bit of a walk for her and times are admittedly a pain. When I mentioned it before she said it was too expensive when, in fact, it's only a few quid more than I spend on petrol).

OP posts:

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 07/11/2015 03:21

You are going to have to be firm and say that it doesn't work for you. Or you will have a miserable year of feeling stressed about the lack of quiet time and not being able to leave when you want.

It will be hard saying no, but you will need to keep going through that and within days the feeling of relief will replace the feeling of guilt.

I have been in a similar position and it isn't easy.

CrazyOldBagLady · 07/11/2015 03:26

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, you don't owe anyone a free lift to work every day of their working lives. Just tell her that you always viewed the situation as temporary for a couple of months to help her out, but it's not a long term solution and she needs to find her own way of getting to work if she wants to continue there.

I'd just explain what you have explained here, its out of your way, it adds to your travel time and costs, you lose time to contemplate/relax/make calls in the car and you feel a bit awkward about having to leave instead of making her wait for you (I don't know why you have allowed her to set the timetable when she contributes nothing btw!)

If you accept a job you accept it knowing that you can make your own way there. Public transport can be expensive but you just budget it in as a monthly cost.

Since you have started your post with statements like 'I know IABU' and you already think you are being selfish etc. you are probably the sort of person that is just too nice sometimes. It's not selfish to not allow people to take advantage of you. If the situations were reversed would you take this much from another person, would you accept a job without actually asking the person giving you a lift every day how you could sort out a permanent situation that suited them? Would you not offer someone money if they gave you a lift to work and back every day for 2 months?

TanteRose · 07/11/2015 03:27

Just tell her!
"Look I didn't mind giving you lifts for a couple of months but it's not going to work for any longer than that, sorry"
Smile, be business like about it, no angst.
If she persists in asking, just repeat "no, it's not going to work for me"

I completely understand your need for that me-time in the car driving to work. Same for me - I'd go crazy without it!

BitOfFun · 07/11/2015 03:27

There's been an identical thread to this ages ago- if I can find it, I'll post the advice from there.

Sighing · 07/11/2015 03:27

I absolutely understand you shouldn't be compelled to offer a lift.
And she really ought to be more motivated to sort her own transport (she is an adult) or fit around your timings more.
But. You also should arrange more time for you, as a car journey (no matter how wuiet/ alone) doesn't sound sufficient 'personal time' to unwind.
Yes, she needs to toughen up and sort herself out about transport.
Do make time for you though - not just getting yourself to and from work.

Bumshkawahwah · 07/11/2015 03:29

Coukd you compromise by maybe giving her a lift in the morning, but not in the evening? I would say that while it was fine for a few weeks, you don't always leave at the same time, sometimes need to pop to the supermarket/visit a friend/whatever on the way home. I think that would be more than generous. I think if you really don't want to do it at all, you just have to front up and say that it's not convenient. She might think you are selfish, but you can't control what she thinks, really, you can only do what you think is best. I'd probably expect at least a bit of a contribution towards petrol if you do give her a lift.

For what it's worth, having someone in my car on my commute time would drive me insane, but then I am anti-social and intolerant (I'm not saying you are - I just need a lot of people-free time)

fatowl · 07/11/2015 03:37

I agree, I'm a teacher too and drive 30 mins each way. It's my down time too, listen to my audible book.
On the odd occasion I've had someone int he car, it's like having a meeting in the car.

If she is there the whole year as an NQT, she could get her own car maybe?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/11/2015 03:54

I think the not being able to leave when you want is the most annoying bit. That's why you have a car, to avoid being restricted to a timetable. Just politely say you are happy to do the two months but need to be more flexible after that.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 07/11/2015 04:10

Agree with the others, you need to tell her. I would hate having someone along on every commute, and I'm quite an extrovert by nature - just also need my quiet downtime. Say 'I'm not going to be able to give you a lift on a permanent basis - we need to end this arrangement as it was intended to be temporary'. If she responds with anything other than good grace she is BU. You have already done her a massive favour.

Baconyum · 07/11/2015 04:27

"I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, you don't owe anyone a free lift to work every day of their working lives."

This

Skint student is one thing, paid adult is quite another. Her responsibility to sort her own arrangements. Most bus companies these days do multiple journey tickets which cut costs.

Consider this OP, what if she's offered a permanent job at your school and you're giving her free lifts for the foreseeable?

Also, I get her not paying regularly for petrol, but not even a small gift/card to say thanks? Did she even say thank you?

PrincessMarcheline · 07/11/2015 04:41

Gosh, I'd hate that. Like you, the only quiet time I get is when I am alone in the car. I have a 70 mile commute but don't mind, as that time is precious. I listen to Classic FM, think, plan, sing, swear at other drivers…

YANBU. Maybe tell her you can do it until the end of the month, but that's it. The fact that she has not even offered to pay towards petrol would really piss me off as well.

claraschu · 07/11/2015 04:43

I think I would feel bad about not giving any lifts, if I were you. Maybe a compromise would be: you tell her exactly when you leave home and work every day and let her choose a few days to join you. You don't drive out of your way or wait for her. She can bike to your house. Explain about wanting to help but needing quiet time too. Tell her about petrol and car maintenance costs too; she should contribute a little.

Andylion · 07/11/2015 04:45

OP, I'm curious. You say you were asked to give her a lift. Did she ask you or did someone else?

icklekid · 07/11/2015 04:52

I think it's more than reasonable for you to set the leaving time now -when you get to work let her know if you want a lift home im leaving at 5 (or whenever ) then let her know 5mins before. I've given students lifts before and always done this. I think you shouldn't feel obliged to continue next year and especially not for free!

Original poster

Meandacat · 07/11/2015 04:58

Thx everyone. I tend to always see things from others' point of view, so in my head as her I'm thinking, "why shouldn't she give me a lift, she's going that way anyway..." But now I see that maybe my position isn't that unreasonable after all.

andylion, I was asked to do this by another teacher who'd thus far been giving her a lift and been going a fair bit out her way to do so. On the odd occasion I've not been able to give her a lift, she's fallen back on this teacher or others. She hasn't once just taken public transport, which is inconvenient but do-able. I do think she is very used to being ferried everywhere and just expects it!

OP posts:

PrincessMarcheline · 07/11/2015 05:02

Do you think she's a bit of a tight-wad and just wants to save money?

Original poster

Meandacat · 07/11/2015 05:11

No PrincessMarcheline, I think she's just used to being driven everywhere and probably can't see a reason why not if someone is going her way (or capable of a detour, as with other teacher). I don't know how it came about that this other teacher started out giving her lifts. Maybe if she'd been forced to make her own way from day one, it would be different.

She can't drive, btw, so no question of her getting her own car.

OP posts:

PrincessMarcheline · 07/11/2015 05:28

How much is the bus? And do student teachers paid?

Scarydinosaurs · 07/11/2015 05:31

Can't believe she's got free lifts for this long!

I ran a car when I was a student teacher (alright, that was eight years ago) it isn't out the realms of possibility.

Personally I would tell her your plans have changed and you can only pick her up, and then I think they need to change again and you drop that part too.

You've done your good deed, she needs to be self sufficient now.

GreenSand · 07/11/2015 05:39

She'll get paid next year, so you could say you help students for free, but working people will cost petrol, which is currently £x (make sure its more than the bus).
The mornings only is a good time dea, to give you more freedom.
Or, just say you can't, it is unsustainable for more than a short time.

Sansoora · 07/11/2015 06:11

My daughter was on her placements just 5 years ago and had to travel miles. She would be at school an hour before it even opened as that was the only way the buses panned out for her. Anything else and she would have arrived to late. Getting her there was not anyones responsibility except ours so we gave her a taxi fund to use a few times a week as we lived an 8 hour flight away and couldn't help any other way.

I think the OP is being really nice doing what she's doing but its time to say - this is not suiting me. There's no need for excuses.

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 07/11/2015 06:50

Teachers carry heavy books and other things to and from work. Is she going to expect lifts when she qualifies? She needs to do what every other student teacher does out of necessity for the job and learn to drive. Where's the incentive if she is getting lifts at her beck and call? You're being really kind and helpful and teaching is stressful enough without someone else dictating when you leave work.

"My routine is going to change and I won't be able to give you lifts anymore as of next Friday/whenever. I'm sure you'll sort something out but I'm just giving you enough notice now."

If she asks for more details about you or why just keep repeating yourself: "Just a change of routine, you know how it is". Don't explain yourself, don't get deep and meaningful and apologetic. Straight to the point and it's over. So you need to tell her either when she gets out of the car or at some point during the day when you're both rushing past each other.

RitaConnors · 07/11/2015 06:55

I would be asking her if she's going to learn to drive for next year.

Sansoora · 07/11/2015 06:57

Just a change of routine, you know how it is

Thats an explanation.

The OP really does just have to say - I cannot give you a lift anymore.

HoggleHoggle · 07/11/2015 06:57

I think it's absolutely fair enough that the lifts stop. She's entering the workplace proper now and as such, it's her responsibility to get into work. As public transport could conceivably get her in, I think that's fine. It's unfortunate that the times aren't the best but it's not your responsibility to provide her with a perfect service to and from her place of work.

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