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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give someone a lift to work

134 replies

Meandacat · 07/11/2015 03:10

First, I know IABU, and I don't see how I can get out of this w/o being rude, selfish, not to mention un-environmentally friendly. But still, if anyone can suggest anything...!
I work in a school. I commute 30 mins by car each way every day (motorway). A few weeks ago, I was asked if I'd mind giving a lift to a student teacher on placement who lives nearby. I agreed - it adds about 5-10 mins to my journey so no biggie. She's a nice girl and we get on. She has never offered to pay towards petrol but as she's a student, I've let that go.
Howwver, because of the nature of my job and circumstances at home, my car journey was literally the only "quiet time" I'd get in the day/week, and I'm the kind of person who really needs that space. It has also really hampered the flexibility I enjoyed in terms of when I could leave work...one of the few perks of the job. The way it's working out, I'm ending up leaving when she is ready to leave, and not when I am ready to leave.
Anyway, it was all fine because it was only for a couple of months. Except she's now told me there is every likelihood she might be doing her probation year at my school. My heart sank. She's lovely but I just don't want to give her a lift every day for a year. I want my time/space back. Can I get out of this wo seeming selfish and petty? (Btw, she could get a bus - as I have done when car's been in garage - but stop is a bit of a walk for her and times are admittedly a pain. When I mentioned it before she said it was too expensive when, in fact, it's only a few quid more than I spend on petrol).

OP posts:
var123 · 07/11/2015 10:04

She's young and probably used to having things organised for her. But we all have to grow up!

You've done your bit. If you wanted to do more, you could offer to take her to school if she can get to a place on your route by x time each morning, and obviously share the petrol from there.

And you could say that you'll be happy to offer her a lift home - no charge!- if you happen to be walking out of the door at the same time and you were planning to go straight home, but otherwise, she needs to make her own arrangements. (And you are just telling her this in advance so that she knows that she'll need to factor in travelling when she comes to decide where to work next year - so you are doing her a favour really!).

Personally I wouldn't mention space or downtime, because its the sort of thing that just gets used against you. Just say picking her up is out of the way, and taking her home only works if you are leaving at the same time and heading straight home, which is fair enough IMO.

LindyHemming · 07/11/2015 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EatSleepTeachRepeat · 07/11/2015 10:19

I was in a similar situation to you OP, except I was the trainee/NQT on very low income.
We had a new member of staff start and when we were talking they mentioned they lived near me, I did the whole "Oh well if you're ever stuck for a lift let me know" meaning sort of in emergency circumstances etc. The next day the member of staff (Who was in a senior position so on a fair wage) came to me and asked for a lift after a staff meeting - it was late and winter etc, so I obliged and we had a good natter on the way home.it was quite nice.

Well the next day it happened again and again and again.

I found my childcare arrangements were falling out of routine and I was getting home later and later. This person lived about 10 minutes further up the motorway than me, so an extra 10 there and an extra 10 back.

Then one day when I was dropping them off I noticed a car on the drive way, when I asked I was told "Oh yes but the costs are way too high to do the commute every day!"

At no point was I offered petrol money or even a decent 'Thank you' from this person. So I decided there and then to jack it in; being a wimp I blamed childcare issues. Not even a day later they had arranged a lift from another colleague.

They must have gone through all 4 of the people who live locally as now they get the bus in.

I have to admit some days I feel bad driving past them in the pissing down rain but then I remember the (much nicer than mine!) car sitting outside their house!

caker · 07/11/2015 10:20

YANBU. Nice to do a favour for a student in the short term while they find their feet but not for a working person for the long term. I do think even a student could contribute something towards petrol though - where I live a weekly bus ticket is £15 so even if she gave you a fiver a week that wouldn't break the bank for her but would buy you a little treat to sweeten the deal.

I'm sure there are lift sharing things you can sign up to, maybe she could do that and find someone else to be her taxi driver?

kerbs · 07/11/2015 10:21

Be honest, tell her you enjoy your own company and the lifts don't suit you. Don't muddy the waters with extra excuses.

You have done her a huge favour, but her wants don't trump your wants.

Think of the relief once she's not your responsibility any more.

MillionToOneChances · 07/11/2015 10:32

I would definitely mention quiet time if you feel compelled to offer a reason (I wouldn't!). If you don't want to do it and you mention any of the ancillary irritations like lack of thanks or petrol money, those are easy for her to fix. Fundamentally you don't want to to it, so don't!

Mermaidhair · 07/11/2015 10:33

Wow she has it good! She gets picked up when she is ready, driven to work, then driven home again. This is all for free and is saving money. Yanbu, or rude or selfish. Just tell her once the placement ends I will not be able to give you lifts ever. You don't need to explain just say it doesn't work for you anymore. Done.

WitchWay · 07/11/2015 10:35

Will she have more money during her probationary year? I know nothing about teacher training. I think you must politely decline for your own sanity!

NoSquirrels · 07/11/2015 10:45

I am a wimp, and people-pleaser for the most part, so I would offer up a reasonable but unarguable with excuse - I just couldn't do the "it no longer works for me" thing. The key is just making it an excuse they can't "fix" by offering a change themselves, either petrol money or changing their habits etc. I would explain though that I'd been happy to do it whilst she was a student as a favour, but the inconvenience for a year would be too great.

So if you have DC I would blame childcare arrangements. Job done, no arguing with that!

If not I would say the loss of flexibility is totally messing up your home life - again, affecting others e.g DC or DP, by delaying them in the mornings somehow, or stopping you/DP doing your routine.

And then I'd offer her recommendations for driving instructors. I have been a non-driver for most of my aunt life, but I never took a job anywhere Id rely on anyone but myself to get there!

NoSquirrels · 07/11/2015 10:46

adult life, obviously. Not sure why being a non-driver for my aunt's life would be an issue!

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/11/2015 10:48

I've been in a similar situation (but school, not work related). Whilst I was (and still am) very fond of the other party, they were always late or "running behind", in turn this made me very stressed. I tried different ways of making it work, suggesting a much earlier pick up (inconvenient for me and they were STILL late). It was all an epic fail. At the point of me having to tell the other party that I really couldn't do it anymore, our circumstances changed and I literally couldn't do it. I still felt awful. It's so difficult to not want to let somebody down, despite the impact on you!

As other posters say, just be frank. I probably wouldn't go into details, suffice to say that after X date, you can't continue with the lifts as it no longer works for you. I do feel for you! Flowers

MadeMan · 07/11/2015 10:50

Arrange to always pick her up somewhere where there is a massive puddle in the gutter of the road and ask her to stand right by the kerb when she sees you coming along at speed.

After a while she might decide to get the bus, unless the bus stop also has a massive puddle; which to be honest they usually do.

Fairenuff · 07/11/2015 11:06

I would tell her that the lift sharing was OK on a temporary basis but really doesn't work as a permanent arrangement as you'd like to have your autonomny back.

But before telling her, I would warn the other person who had previously been doing the lifts because she will obviously go straight to them

crabbiearses · 07/11/2015 11:10

id tell her you are starting to go to the gym before work or somewhere out of your way and that will stop the habit of taking her and just dont start again.

Xenadog · 07/11/2015 11:14

OP if you have had enough of giving her a lift then tell her. Explain that after a date (two weeks from now maybe?) you're circumstances will have changed and you won't be able to give her lifts. Don't elaborate as you don't need to. This way you have given her some time to sort herself out and been assertive.

Personally I think she has taken the piss by not giving you petrol money and I'd have stopped ages ago. She is an adult and even as a student should be able to make her own arrangements for getting to and from work. You are not under any obligation to be her free taxi.

Osirus · 07/11/2015 11:15

I don't currently drive but my colleague, who is also a friend, gives me a lift in. It's a 25 minute drive but the bus journey takes almost two hours! I walk ten minutes to a convenient place to meet her (she also drops me at this place) and I pay her £15 a week. I also buy her occasional treats too. She only lives 3 miles from me so she could easily drive to my home but walking to meet her keeps it fair, I think. She is doing me a favour and I am grateful but I miss the alone time I had on the bus when we worked at a different (closer) office! I will be learning to drive in the future but our arrangement works for us. If she needs to go home early I make other arrangements. If the bus journey was shorter there's no doubt I would choose that option. There is a chance that this student does not enjoy getting a lift?

lostInTheWash · 07/11/2015 11:20

I had a temp job - but was fine with walk and public transport getting there.

Colleagues when they found I didn't drive - sorted out a lift with another colleague. I didn't ask - did offer some money but the lift persons started messing around rather than saying she resented it.

Just say no - say where you stand.

DoreenLethal · 07/11/2015 11:21

I don't understand why you would be instigating the conversation about ending the lift. Just end it at the end of the promised two months. And drive away.

It is not your job to have another conversation about it and this time, when you get asked you are forewarned with 'no' and that she didn't say thanks nor offer you petrol money so you won't be doing it again.

Panadbois · 07/11/2015 11:29

I also had this, not work related, and the gentleman was in a wheelchair. I had to come off the duel carriage way to pick him up which added to the mileage and I had to leave earlier to allow for time.
Outside his house, I had to help him into my car, pack his chair and load it into my car ((which I had to empty especially to make room for the chair. I had essential work stuff in there.)) It was heavy and awkward and scratched my car.
I did this on the way to our destination and again on the way home. In the rain, in the dark, on cold nights. He was appreciative.
But what got me more than anything is that his wife would be indoors nice and cosy and wouldn't come out to help.
It had to stop. I felt awful, but it was not working for me, going home late and wet etc.
Eventaully he got his own car, and as far as I know, he manages on his own now.

museumum · 07/11/2015 11:34

I understand her not going through the expense of driving lessons and car buying if there was am every chance shed end up working in a city centre. But if she's choosing your school with motorway travel then she is choosing a car-oriented lifestyle so you should just say you can't drive her for another year and ask if she's going to learn to drive. Unless she has a reason she can't (epilepsy perhaps or a hidden disability) in which case my advice would he live in a city with good public transport.

areyoubeingserviced · 07/11/2015 11:35

You are a better person than me.
I would be reluctant to give someone a lift every day, even if they contributed towards the cost of petrol.
Driving to work is my only quiet time .

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 07/11/2015 11:39

Just say that you're looking forward to the end of giving lifts on X date and going back to being able to be spontaneous about where you go and when. In the meantime TELL her what time you are leaving, if she says that she won't be leaving until a different time just reply that you'll be gone by that time. This also gives her time to reconsider her placement if she is thinking of relying on you.

She's an adult, she'll figure it out for herself.

StealthPolarBear · 07/11/2015 11:40

Eatsleep Shock

Footle · 07/11/2015 11:43

You don't need to 'warn' the other person who gave her lifts. It's not her problem, and if she's a grownup she will just say no.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2015 11:46

Yanbu, I would tell her straight that as from such a time, you will not be able to give her a lift anymore as it is not convenient for you. It does not matter if she is a student, she is still an adult and has to find her own way, or work in a school close to her.