To not want to give someone a lift to work

[Meandacat]

First, I know IABU, and I don't see how I can get out of this w/o being rude, selfish, not to mention un-environmentally friendly. But still, if anyone can suggest anything...!
I work in a school. I commute 30 mins by car each way every day (motorway). A few weeks ago, I was asked if I'd mind giving a lift to a student teacher on placement who lives nearby. I agreed - it adds about 5-10 mins to my journey so no biggie. She's a nice girl and we get on. She has never offered to pay towards petrol but as she's a student, I've let that go.
Howwver, because of the nature of my job and circumstances at home, my car journey was literally the only "quiet time" I'd get in the day/week, and I'm the kind of person who really needs that space. It has also really hampered the flexibility I enjoyed in terms of when I could leave work...one of the few perks of the job. The way it's working out, I'm ending up leaving when she is ready to leave, and not when I am ready to leave.
Anyway, it was all fine because it was only for a couple of months. Except she's now told me there is every likelihood she might be doing her probation year at my school. My heart sank. She's lovely but I just don't want to give her a lift every day for a year. I want my time/space back. Can I get out of this wo seeming selfish and petty? (Btw, she could get a bus - as I have done when car's been in garage - but stop is a bit of a walk for her and times are admittedly a pain. When I mentioned it before she said it was too expensive when, in fact, it's only a few quid more than I spend on petrol).

Eastsleep fecking tightwads, I hate them. No don't feel bad driving past them, they took the piss majory out of everyone, and now they have to get the bus, tough! If they wanted to, they could run their car, but some are just so tight.

I had this exact same situation several years ago, where I was slightly coerced into giving lifts to one of my colleagues who didn't drive. Except that she was one of the most irritating woman I have ever met, she was a pain in the arse to work with, she did not pull her weight. After a 13 hour shift with her I did not particularly want to spend more time with her. She would also take a long time to get changed out of her uniform, and carefully put make up on, before deciding she was ready to leave, so though we finished at 9pm, it was more like 9:30pm by the time we left. Sometimes she would ask me to stop at the mini supermarket, so she could get a few groceries, on the way home. Then I had to drive literally past my house, drop her at her flat which was another 10 minute drive away, and drive back home. I was consistently getting home after 10pm, having to eat, relax a bit, and then be ready to go to work then next day at 7:30am. Oh, and she also used to comment on my driving ("You could have gone then, there was a gap in the traffic!") despite having failed her test twice not actually being able to drive herself.

I wish I could say I spoke to her assertively and stopped allowing myself to be treated like a doormat, but after a couple of months she went off sick, and shortly after I moved to a new job. Basically, I think you should put you foot down, if it doesn't work for you, don't do it.

Tell her first thing on Monday. Get it out of the way - otherwise I'll bet my hat that you'll talk yourself out of doing it for fear of looking mean. And you'll still be lumbered with taking this person to work.

Even better, send her a text now.

Just tell her it no longer works for you and that's that. If pressed you could say you prefer to leave on time and not wait around and even mention that you had thought it would originally only be a temporary arrangement initially.

That way you're not lying just telling it straight.

You could offer to ask around to see if anyone else is willing to car share.

Years ago before I passed my driving test I got a job where it was very awkward to get to and a 8.15am start. I got a lift to work and sometimes made my own way home. The lifts were arranged for me by the personnel dept. I didn't even ask for the lifts and i offered petrol money which was turned down! I was very grateful but it was for a year covering an extended maternity leave contract.

since you don't like it just tell her you wont be able to anymore because you have other commitments.

I don't drive yet always used trains and buses, if I had to go work no brainer I use transport. If it's a village and no transport you would have to get a car or look at a different job placement. It is her responsibility, no one helped me out in torrential rain, wind snow, you get accustomed to it.

I know a girl doing work placement at school to be teaching assistant. she;s recently got a car but it's just 2 streets away from her house anyway seems pointless. I think this girl could do with her car lol

my boss used to give me a lift home when I was younger. He/she kept me behind for cashing up and they knew I caught the bus, since they were going that way they insisted. To be honest I'm loner would have preferred going alone, but they were so nice about it I felt rude saying no. I did offer petrol money for the 5-8 min drive but they refused and I always expressing my thanks.

Oh I completely get where you are coming from OP. I've been roped into this several times. Once I had a colleague who wanted lifts to the town next to mine to get a train and it added 30 minutes onto my return journey home, and she never even used to say thank you, let alone offer any petrol money. I also used to give a lift usually at least two or three times a week (depending on what shifts we were on together) to another work colleague who grew to expect lifts off people as she didn't drive. To be fair she only lived 5 minutes from work but it was still pretty damn cheeky. At the end of each shift she'd say 'whose giving me a lift home tonight then'? And if someone forgot to pick her up in the morning she'd phone work and say someone would need to come and pick her up (rather than just phone a taxi or something like a normal person would). On reflection it was pretty staggering no-one told her to sort herself out, but she was one of those people who had been there 20+ years and no-one really questioned it as being odd as it had gone on for so long. What really irked me though is that after 3 years when I left that job (and probably a good couple of hundred free lifts later) she happily deleted me pretty quickly from her facebook friends, presumably as I was no longer useful to her.

There are unfortunately people who see all car drivers as free taxis (I have a friend like this) and don't seem to realise it's expensive and often inconvenient to give lifts all the time.

I do occasionally get asked to give lifts home to work colleagues now but it's on a occasional basis when their cars are in the garage etc. I don't mind doing people an occasional favour so that's fine, but like you I like having 20-30 minutes to myself on the commute to and from work, and it's often the way I de-stress by listening to some loud music, so as a regular thing it wouldn't work for me.

In this situation I think the best way to get out of it is to say that due to your circumstances at home you need to be able to be flexible again in what time you leave work as you may need to leave early etc, and so aren't in a position to give her lifts anymore. Hopefully she'll take the hint.

When my DCs were are primary school I somehow got roped into taking one of the teachers who lived near to us to and from school every day for 2 years.

He would sit in the passenger seat and make conversation while my DCs had to sit in the back talking amongst themselves; completely dominated what should have been a lovely time chatting to my DCs on my own.

Like your free loader OP, he never once offered to pay towards petrol or even bought me a box of chocolates to say thank you.

I asked him once if he could drive and his answer was that he didn't need to because he could always get lifts to school.

Don't do what I did and seethe quietly. Stop it now. You're feel so much better having your life back. And remember, it's not your responsibility to get this person to and from their place of work.

I would have been saying... Im leaving now, are you ready? (no) okay then I'll see you tomorrow

I gave a colleague a lift occasionally which then gradually became more regular. I did have to put my big girl pants on and have a very awkward conversation, but it was a relief when I'd done it.

I wouldn't say anything unless she does get the job and then when she comes back just pretend you are taking a different route as you are giving a neighbour a lift to work.

Agree you should just stop it, nice while she's a student - but if (and it is still an 'if') she works at your school next year, then you can just say that it doesn't work for you to give lifts anymore. She'll be earning then, will be able to use public transport or can afford to learn to drive if she wants to avoid the bus/train.

(In my experience, people who don't drive at all are the worse at understanding it's a hassle to give lifts to people.)

When I was a student and when I qualified I had to get 2 buses each way to my school. I had to carry heavy books. After a couple of years I passed my driving test. She should find her own way of getting in.

I agree, you leave when it suits you, if she's not fitting around you then that is her choice.

When I was a student I had to get 2 buses and walk a mile and a half to college.

When I started work at 19 it was a bus to train station, train, another bus and 1/2 mile walk. Leaving at 6:30 for an 8:30 start, it was only 19 miles away but bad travel links. Same journey on the way home sometimes late at night (worked as an IT technician so had to stay if major issues).

Yes, its time she learned to stand on her own two feet travel wise. Don't feel guilty telling her it doesn't work for you have been great with the help you have given her already, hopefully the other teacher doesn't get guilt tripped by her into taking over the lifts again.

Although no offer of petrol money has been offered I am reserving judgment until the end of the placement. She may buy a nice bottle of wine and a box of chocolates. I know it doesn't cover the cost but does day I appreciate what you have done.

I often have to give my DS a lift from college and I find that a pain in the arse. If I am having a bad day and just want to go home on time I am hanging around waiting for him. Other days I could do with stopping on and I am having to leave with him

Either a straight no or perhaps an offer of a few days a week. But say you can't commit to a permanent 5 days a week arrangement

I often have to give my DS a lift from college and I find that a pain in the arse

And yet he is your son - not a random colleague!

Seriously !?
When she leaves after the 2 months that's the end of it.
If she does get a permanent place at your school just tell her it wasn't that convenient for you and so was only at short term thing.

You are too nice for your own good OP!
I would tell her asap that you have been doing her a favour while on placement but that you don't want to continue beyond the agreed period. No need for reasons / excuses! There is absolutely no reason why you should compromise and agree to certain days of the week.
In the meantime, try to leave at the end of the day when it suits you, not her.
The petrol money is another issue imo. As a non driver she might not have thought that you are using more petrol to pick her up or she might be planning on giving you a lovely present at the end of the placement. Your original post didn't sound as though this was your main area of concern though.

Oh this takes me back to college - a friend/acquaintance from the same town who didn't drive went to same college as me.

If I didn't give her a lift it took her 2 hrs to get there (rather than 30 mins) plus bus fares (no direct buses). It was really awkward as I felt I had to give her a lift because of how long it took her otherwise, but resented that she seemed to expect it and thought she should have thought of that when planning what college to go to.

I made some excuses about having to do other things on my way home etc and gradually got out of it but hated listening to her PA moaning about how early she had to get up to be there in time etc.

We're not friends now...

So much lovely advice and tea & sympathy... Thank you! She's not at the end of her placement yet, so as has already been said, I'll reserve judgement on whether I get any thanks or not when she's done.
Yes, I know she doesn't get to say where she does her probationary year, (I am in Scotland, yes) but she's gelled well with the school. Loves the dept and both HoD and her mentor have said they are very keen to have her back if it can be swung that way at all. I am not a teacher myself, so not sure how it all works. She was very happy at the prospect, though, and I didn't want to dampen her spirits. She is a nice girl aside of this lift malarkey and I actually don't mind her company in itself. I just need my headspace-carspace and yes, I do think there's s strong element of entitlement on her part here. I am 99% certain she'll go looking for lifts elsewhere if (when - ha!) I say no.
My DH doesn't drive either, so I do all the driving for any domestic stuff too. Drives me mental (no pun intended). On the odd occasion I have the opportunity to take public transport, I love it, and if it wasn't for childcare issues, I'd look to do it more. Being a passenger in someone else's car is an absolute treat!
Ok...so I need to just square up to this.

Its so frustrating when you're sitting there thinking about it though - I have that guilty conscience thing until I give myself a good shake and realise that A) they are adults and B) they are on a much higher wage than I am.

My mother is the same, its almost as if we have this attitude of "oh poor them having them having to get public transport" but it is a personal choice.

Glad to see I am not the only doormat not alone!

OP - how much longer does she have on the placement? If it is more than a fortnight, just tell her on Monday that it isn't working for you and after, say wednesday, she will have to make other plans. You do not have to do this if it isn't convenient and you do not have to feel guilty about it.

Incidentally, I did car sharing before in a previous job - an hours' drive each way - and it worked fine. We split the driving, which made a difference. But also I wasn't yet a mum, the work was less demanding of patience and energy (teachers, I take my hat off...) and I got a proper lunch hour and break which I don't get now.