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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give someone a lift to work

134 replies

Meandacat · 07/11/2015 03:10

First, I know IABU, and I don't see how I can get out of this w/o being rude, selfish, not to mention un-environmentally friendly. But still, if anyone can suggest anything...!
I work in a school. I commute 30 mins by car each way every day (motorway). A few weeks ago, I was asked if I'd mind giving a lift to a student teacher on placement who lives nearby. I agreed - it adds about 5-10 mins to my journey so no biggie. She's a nice girl and we get on. She has never offered to pay towards petrol but as she's a student, I've let that go.
Howwver, because of the nature of my job and circumstances at home, my car journey was literally the only "quiet time" I'd get in the day/week, and I'm the kind of person who really needs that space. It has also really hampered the flexibility I enjoyed in terms of when I could leave work...one of the few perks of the job. The way it's working out, I'm ending up leaving when she is ready to leave, and not when I am ready to leave.
Anyway, it was all fine because it was only for a couple of months. Except she's now told me there is every likelihood she might be doing her probation year at my school. My heart sank. She's lovely but I just don't want to give her a lift every day for a year. I want my time/space back. Can I get out of this wo seeming selfish and petty? (Btw, she could get a bus - as I have done when car's been in garage - but stop is a bit of a walk for her and times are admittedly a pain. When I mentioned it before she said it was too expensive when, in fact, it's only a few quid more than I spend on petrol).

OP posts:

Dragonsdaughter · 07/11/2015 08:16

Fuck - Britian !!! I hate bloody dyslexia

Squeegle · 07/11/2015 08:16

The way it is working is that you have all the downsides and none of the benefits. You have less flexibility, less time alone and you're not even having the bonus of a bit more money.
She is having a free lift, when she wants it.
You need to be more equal for you not to be resentful.

So, I suggest that you be honest, tell her what you have shared here. Say that you can give a lift, but on your terms (you go when it suits you otherwise she takes the bus, and she gives you a contribution.). That would be more equal.

MrsMolesworth · 07/11/2015 08:17

YANBU. The reasons you've given are valid. Just tell her it was fine short term but you need the flexibility and also the head space long term. As long as she knows it's not personal, but because your life has different demands from hers, then she should accept it.

WizardOfToss · 07/11/2015 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatone · 07/11/2015 08:23

OP I was you and had a very similar situation and, like you, found it very difficult to sort out. I actually had sleepless nights over it.

So one day I just smiled and told her that I couldn't do it any more and the relief was immense. Dh helped - he said what others have said on this thread which is that most people would not expect this sort of help from anyone.

DoreenLethal · 07/11/2015 08:25

I would drop her off on the last day, wish her well and drive off.

As in 'ok then, well all the best with your studies and i might see you at school if you get your probation year at ours. Bye'

If she then says 'oh, wont you be giving me lifts' i would say 'i had considered it, however with no thanks from yourself and no offer of petrol money, it is not a thing i will be doing, no'.

ilovesooty · 07/11/2015 08:26

I don't see how she can have any idea at this stage where she might do her NQT year so the situation is surely hypothetical anyway.

RedMapleLeaf · 07/11/2015 08:30

Red maple - the fact you used the petrol money to buy yourself and HER a treat is just beyond.

Beyond what Anyway, I set my boundaries and got it to a point where I enjoyed her company and was happy to have someone to share the start of the weekend with. Sometimes she would buy, sometimes I would buy.

Women of Britam learn to say NO.

Or, women of Britain, learn to do what you are comfortable and happy with . Help each other out.

voluptuagoodshag · 07/11/2015 08:40

I had to do this for a friend who had gotten a job, not in the same place as me but in the approximate same direction.
Public transport was a problem and I suppose I did offer to give him a lift initially but it turned into a colossal pita. I also like my quiet time but that aside, it was adding 30 mins onto my journey by the time I collected him then doubled back on myself, dropped him off and then continued to my office. Fortunately he was grateful for what I'd done, had always said if it was a hassle to say so and he gave me a lovely present.

PennyHasNoSurname · 07/11/2015 08:47

Id start withdrawing soon. "X I dont mind carrying on the morning lifts a little longer, but as of X Date I wont be able to bring you home too - my work load is increasing and I am going to need to stay at work a while longer each day, so lifts home just wont work any more. The bus stop is just there, so maybe check the times so you are prepared?"

PegsPigs · 07/11/2015 08:51

No thanks and no petrol money for months? Why would you be considering it? You don't owe her anything just because you happen to live near each other and work in the same school. If you don't want to just say you were happy to help her out during her placement but long term it won't work because you need the flexibility to leave whenever suits you. If you want to mention the petrol money and the fact the detour and favour are actually costing you I don't think that would be unreasonable either.

MadeMan · 07/11/2015 08:53

People who don't drive really don't understand what it means to have a car.

I love driving. I think most people who drive enjoy driving and having that time and space to themselves; it's not just about getting from A to B (which is how I think non-drivers see it).

BasinHaircut · 07/11/2015 08:53

I would have asked her about her plans for travel arrangements in the probation year at that point. Unless she is completely self absorbed I think she would probably take the hint. Surely almost no one would have the bare-faced check to say 'well I assumed you could still take me'.

I think you should weave it into conversation next time you are in the car with her. I'd try that before I was blunt and said simply that I wasn't prepared to continue the same arrangement long term and you had only ever agreed to it while she was on her student placement.

BillBrysonsBeard · 07/11/2015 08:53

Agree with everyone else.. Take control, say no, the guilt will end quickly and the relief at being in control and alone again will take over. We don't have to say yes to every request, no is an answer!

Strawberryfield12 · 07/11/2015 08:54

OP could it be that she isn't herself too comfortable with all the transportation arrangements, but doesn't know how to tell it without offending the good meaning senior colleagues who had organised the whole thing on her behalf? It sounds like teachers have taken her commute as their responsibility. She might be relieved about the lifts not working out for you anymore?
Saying it from my own perspective as I would rather take a bus and have a read of book while on a ride than day in day out depend on somebody to give me a lift. Being my early 20ties (she is, right?) she might feel at loss how to get out of it?
If you don't want to address it directly with the girl, talk to the other teacher who gracefully landed the driving duty on you. Tell her that your circumstances have changed, you wouldn't be able to transport the junior teacher anymore so she can deal with it? Suggest if she wants to take over the taxi duties ;)

ProfGrammaticus · 07/11/2015 08:57

I agree everyone else - keep doing it for the placement but be very clear now that you will not be doing it if she gets a longer contact at your school.

Dragonsdaughter · 07/11/2015 09:07

But you were not comfortable Red Maple you said you valued your personal time and flexibility which you have not retained - you have hornswaggled yourself with min adjustments and now you are happy to have 'someone to share the start of the weekend with'. You have like many women compromised your own needs by 'being kind' even when its not what you want and then deluding yourself with all the little tweeks. It is possible to be kind without being walked over or making load of excuses. I would drive thousand miles for a friend in need, volounterr as a sn mentor - would I drive an entitled little girl who cant even say thanks or shows appreciation four another year - erh no way - even if we used the petrol money to buy our self treats.

Grapejuicerocks · 07/11/2015 09:19

Our placement taxis were paid for by the authority

Work it into the conversation asap and make it clear that you need the me time long term.

But I'd also now start making her leave when you are ready too. Why should the one doing the favour be inconvenienced? Surely if you are dependant on someone then you make it as easy as possible for them and fit your leaving times round them. The lack of thanks and lack of token present also shows she is really entitled.

Just be thankful that she's made it really easy for you to say no to next year. You'd still want to say no but think how much harder it would be if she paid her way, was really grateful and was doing her best to not inconvenience you. As it is ya so nbu

RedMapleLeaf · 07/11/2015 09:23

But you were not comfortable Red Maple

Well, I know better than you how I felt, so I guess something's been lost in communication. It's not ok for you to tell me what the situation was (years ago) or that I was deluding myself or whatever.

Dragonsdaughter · 07/11/2015 09:28

Red - YOU wrote - I really missed the personal time to .... That is not 'comfortable' you wrote - to make things better. You are on a public forum - people will draw conclusions about what you write - even if it make you uncomfortable or cross.

Flumplet · 07/11/2015 09:31

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all for not wanting to commit to this for a whole year - what if you would like to pop to the shops or have another appointment on your way home. You're not responsible for taxiing the student for free. And she shouldn't expect free rides for a year either that's ridiculous.

RedMapleLeaf · 07/11/2015 09:37

I don't feel uncomfortable or cross.

It's this simple. I found myself in a situation that didn't work for me. I offered a situation that I was comfortable with. This then worked for me and I enjoyed spending time with this colleague rather than resenting them.
This process is what I suggested to the OP.
Other posters have said the same.

Nobody but you has extrapolated this in to The Women of Britain doing what you tell them to do.

TendonQueen · 07/11/2015 09:39

Yes, tell her you won't be able to give lifts at all beyond Christmas 'it doesn't work well for me' and that in the meantime, she will need to a) get herself to your house or a more convenient pick up point in the morning b) leave when you go in the afternoon, or forfeit the lift. No more waiting around. I wouldn't bother now asking for petrol money, though she should certainly have offered at the start - but if she asks why you can't continue with the lifts I would be inclined to say 'I can't afford to subsidise your travel anymore'.

Dragonsdaughter · 07/11/2015 09:46

Why should the op compromise? This is not a friend or someone in need. Red Maple - so many women compromise their own needs and wantds - its how many of us are socialised - along with being in total denial over it :)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/11/2015 09:59

Do student teachers get grants these days? When I was a student SW we got grants and there was an element which was to pay towards placement travel costs. Anyway surely next year she will be employed and getting a salary? So she can definitely budget to get a bus. I would hate this, like you I love and need quiet commuting time.

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