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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give someone a lift to work

134 replies

Meandacat · 07/11/2015 03:10

First, I know IABU, and I don't see how I can get out of this w/o being rude, selfish, not to mention un-environmentally friendly. But still, if anyone can suggest anything...!
I work in a school. I commute 30 mins by car each way every day (motorway). A few weeks ago, I was asked if I'd mind giving a lift to a student teacher on placement who lives nearby. I agreed - it adds about 5-10 mins to my journey so no biggie. She's a nice girl and we get on. She has never offered to pay towards petrol but as she's a student, I've let that go.
Howwver, because of the nature of my job and circumstances at home, my car journey was literally the only "quiet time" I'd get in the day/week, and I'm the kind of person who really needs that space. It has also really hampered the flexibility I enjoyed in terms of when I could leave work...one of the few perks of the job. The way it's working out, I'm ending up leaving when she is ready to leave, and not when I am ready to leave.
Anyway, it was all fine because it was only for a couple of months. Except she's now told me there is every likelihood she might be doing her probation year at my school. My heart sank. She's lovely but I just don't want to give her a lift every day for a year. I want my time/space back. Can I get out of this wo seeming selfish and petty? (Btw, she could get a bus - as I have done when car's been in garage - but stop is a bit of a walk for her and times are admittedly a pain. When I mentioned it before she said it was too expensive when, in fact, it's only a few quid more than I spend on petrol).

OP posts:
teacher54321 · 07/11/2015 07:01

When I did my PGCE we could claim all our travel expenses whilst on placement either, petrol or bus/train. So she probably doesn't have to pay for her bus fares.

YANBU I hate giving lifts, my car, my space. A one off is one thing, eg car in garage needing repairs, but regularly? No way.

PotteringAlong · 07/11/2015 07:05

When I did my pgce we couldn't claim expenses! I think it depends on when and where you did it.

I learnt to drive to do my pgce; she needs to get going with that.

VulcanWoman · 07/11/2015 07:06

I think she's taking the P not giving you something towards the petrol, half the bus fare cost at least, to show willing.

PingpongDingDong · 07/11/2015 07:10

Well resolve not to keep it like this at the very least. Either tell her you can give her lifts on say 2 days but that you have plans on the others. If she is having lifts with you she needs to be giving you petrol money though, it's shocking that she hasn't even offered!

Otoh you could just say no more lifts at all. I think the prospect of having to give her lifts for the next year would be enough to galvanise me into action. I do understand though I hate things like this and often get myself into similar situations because I don't like confrontation.

louisejxxx · 07/11/2015 07:11

I would just say to her that as when it becomes a long term arrangement, i.e when she starts her probation year, you will no longer be able to offer her a lift every day. Just explain that while you haven't minded for a short while, a year plus is a big commitment and doesn't allow you the flexibility you've experienced in the past. Job done.

LindyHemming · 07/11/2015 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeAmarok · 07/11/2015 07:20

She can't drive, btw, so no question of her getting her own car.

She could learn though! She needs to grow up and become independent, for her own good. You'd actually be doing her a favour nudging her in that direction.

If she doesn't drive and doesn't do public transport, then she needs to get a job that she's able to get to, it's ridiculous to take a job and assume someone else (who isn't even family) will get you there and back.

For the rest of her placement, could you ask her to start making her way to your house in the mornings so you don't need to go 5-10 minutes out of your way each morning? That's a lot to ask, I'm surprised she hasn't already offered.

That also may make her see you as a less convenient option when thinking about her probation year. One of the reasons she is considering doing it at your school is that it's easyand free to get to!

And could you also start leaving whenever suits you? You have been beyond accommodating of her, to the detriment of yourself. Start saying you have shopping to do on the way home, etc. Or friends to see.

I know I probably sound arsey, but really, growing up and sorting yourself out, arranging how you will get yourself to work (in your very responsible, full time job that pays pretty well, tbf, it's not like she'll be volunteering in her NQT year) is part of being an adult. She is one now. Dont shield her from real life skills. She's not your teenage daughter that you're having to ferry to somewhere or they'll just refuse to go! She's an adult, about to start a professional job. The absolute least of which means she should be able to get herself there without massively inconveniencing colleagues and expecting them to do it for free!

lunar1 · 07/11/2015 07:23

I would tell her quickly if I were you. She could be basing her decision about where to work on you giving her a lift. I'd give her a date now for how much longer you can do the lifts for, but warn the other teacher first so she has time to find a reason not to do the lifts either.

Sansoora · 07/11/2015 07:25

She could be basing her decision about where to work on you giving her a lift.

Absolutely!

ladygracie · 07/11/2015 07:26

Agree with others that you shouldn't be leaving when she's ready. You are the driver, you decide the leaving time.
How much longer is her placement? And would she then start her probation year immediately?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 07/11/2015 07:29

Just tell her ahead of her confirming she'll be joining that she needs to factor her own transport into her decision as for various reasons, while you were happy to help out for a few weeks it's not something you can continue in the long term as its too inflexible for you. Don't bog yourself down with long explanations and feeling you need to justify it, just get it out there loud and clear as soon as possible and don't say it as though you believe you are letting her down, it's really not your problem to solve. You've done your bit, she needs to sort things out for herself now.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 07/11/2015 07:30

She really shouldnt be basing her decision on the OP giving her a lift! What if the OP needs to go off sick for a protracted length of time?

RedMapleLeaf · 07/11/2015 07:35

I had a very similar experience. I too really, really missed that personal time to rant/sing/cry etc and the independence of leaving when I felt like it. To improve things,

  • My starting time was pretty constant, so I would ring her phone one ring once outside (she couldn't see the road from her flat and this meant she could wait in the dry and warmth).
  • I'd let her know vaguely what time I'd be working until that day, so she had the choice of making alternative arrangements home, and then text her when I knew exactly what time she should come to find me.
  • I asked for a token amount of petrol money, think it was £10, and used that for something nice, sometimes I'd spend it on the way home on a Friday buying us both some chocolate and a drink.
  • I'd have one day a week on my own, not car sharing.
cheekyfunkymonkey · 07/11/2015 07:36

You do need to say something but maybe offer her a lift there and back 1 or two days a week and just explain that you need to have some time to yourself and the flexibility to ,for example, not go straight home should you fancy it.

SerenityReynolds · 07/11/2015 07:37

YANBU. Agree with pp's that you just need to say that after Christmas, you're afraid that you won't be able to provide a lift anymore, and you wanted to give her notice so she can sort something else out. You are doing her a favour. She shouldn't really even ask why you can't as you being a taxi for her is hardly something she is entitled to. You don't owe her any explanation. Just say as of January your circumstances have changed if she pushes for a reason.

I might give your other colleague a heads-up first too in case he/she becomes the default lift provider again. Then they can also prepare their excuses if they so wish. Jeez, we've all had to do commutes that were a PITA, especially when starting out. She needs either suck up the bus journey, do something proactive like learn to drive or find a job in a location that works for her.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 07/11/2015 07:38

I understand it totally too. I run every morning and a couple of friends have asked to join me. I really don't want them to! It's my time, I like to run at my own pace for exactly as long as suits me, not a minute more or less, and I listen to iPod, don't want to chat!

Chasingsquirrels · 07/11/2015 07:41

I agree with almost everyone else.
The problem you have isn't that you are being unreasonable, it is how to address it with her.
When is the 2 months up and when does the probation year start? Presumably given current time of year there will be a natural break between the two? So the current arrangement wouldn't just continue, she would have to contact you to try to restart it. Either before starting the year or once she is there.
You need to decide what, if anything, you are prepared to do in terms of lift giving (eg mornings only, x days per week, leaving on your schedule, her making her own way to/from your house by foot or bike - whatever you are happy with, and that includes NO lifts at all) and then you need to tell her you agrees to give her as lift as a temporary arrangement for this short term period but won't be doing so if she does the probationary year at your school. If you do decide to offer some help then spell out what that help will be and what it will cost her in terms of her contribution.

Good luck OP.

gamerchick · 07/11/2015 07:46

If you're going to do it do it quickly before winter hits or you'll feel bad stopping in the middle of it.

Or tell her if she wants a lift in then she will have to pay you fuel money. The argument that you're going anyway doesn't wash because more people in the car means more fuel.

Tell her you can't give her a lift back anymore. She is capable of making her own way home, but you have to make her start paying though.

It sounds like her other lift offloaded her onto you in desperation though Wink

Or just cut to the hole, tell her you can't give her lifts anymore and be done with it. You don't need to give her an excuse.

Footle · 07/11/2015 07:48

There was an episode of Friends where probably Phoebe said "You know , I really wish I could help but .. I don't wanna".

redcaryellowcar · 07/11/2015 07:50

I don't think Yabu at all. I would only offer a long term lift/ car share on the basis that they arrived at my house a few minutes before we needed to leave. They contributed towards petrol/ car running costs ( think it's 45p a mile for companies, so maybe half that?) and left flexibly when I wanted to.
Saying all that I too like to turn on the radio and use driving time as thinking time so would try to avoid anything other than ad hoc lifts!

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 07/11/2015 07:50

I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to say that once her student placement ends, you won't be able to offer lifts anymore. Tell her now before she has committed to your school for a further period as she may be assuming the lifts will continue & have factored this isn't deciding where to work.

I have sympathies for you, this must be very awkward; threads like this make me grateful that I can walk to work

LindyHemming · 07/11/2015 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 07/11/2015 08:09

When you tell her bear in mind you are coming from the position of having already done her a massive favour.
Presumably when you agreed to do this, one of the factors in your decision making process was that it was only for a few weeks? Had you known this you are likely to have decided differently from the start

FishWithABicycle · 07/11/2015 08:11

Yanbu at all but you need to tell her ASAP as she is probably blithely assuming she can take advantage of your kindness indefinitely and needs to know this isn't the case.

Say that:
I've been happy to give you lifts for free every day when it was a short term placement and you've been a student. If you end up doing your NQT year at [school] it isn't going to work for me to continue this. I can manage to give you a lift 2 days a week but you will need to contribute £x petrol money each day if you want that.

Then you need to STAY FIRM and not allow her to guilt-trip you into offering more. It's not your responsibility to make her life as easy and cheap as possible. She thinks it is. You'll be doing her a favour in the long run by showing her she can't exploit people's good nature indefinitely.

Dragonsdaughter · 07/11/2015 08:15

This thread makes me dispare. Just say it doesn't work for you and leave it at that. You have been kind but please don't allow yourself to be walked all over. Red maple - the fact you used the petrol money to buy yourself and HER a treat is just beyond. Women of Britam learn to say NO.